AFL Finals Week 2 – Sydney v Carlton: Class of 2013

Class of 2013, please be seated. Mr Judd, Henderson, Jamison, Walker, Murphy, Simpson and Robinson may leave the room. Last week I was ambivalent about the class’ attendance in the end of year celebrations. This week, I’m just very, well, as you can see I have my angry face on. Students, if the lucky dip of life hands you a free pass into the end of year dance, don’t you feel it is incumbent upon you all to take that opportunity and make the very most of it? Don’t you feel you owe it the other members of the school community to put your best foot forward while flying the banner of the Old Carltonians? Mr Bell and Mr Garlett, do you have a feet to put forward? Quite frankly, I wish the majority of you had left at year 10 rather than tarnish the school’s name.
Firstly, the invitation clearly stated that appropriate footwear was required as the Janitor had polished the dance floor the previous evening. But no, many chose to wear those fashionable, yet impractical, boots. I am aware they are all the rage with the younger set, but gentlemen, surely you would have seen that the other chaps for the Eastern Suburbs were sure on their feet and were not wearing the equivalent of Dunlop Volleys. Quite frankly most of you looked like a Kenyan ice skating team. Those boots look fine in the school photo but not at a formal occasion such as Saturday night. I know you felt that everything was fine after the rehearsal last weekend but clearly the tardiness and lack of spirit shown on Saturday night demonstrated a complacency that is not acceptable at a senior school level. “But Sir, the McVeigh brothers bullied us”. Be quiet Mr Maclean. There was only one McVeigh boy present although none of you had the urge to tap him on the shoulder and possibly lighten his dance card.
Secondly, many of you are repeat offenders. While to Eastern Suburbs lads were jiving and hopping all night, you lot were stuck in a slow waltz watching the mirror ball . What was the point of all that practice in PE classes if no one can remember the steps when it counts? You are a bunch of wall flowers, that’s what you are. I believe that some of you were not even trying to dance at all. More of a nominal shuffle, than a quick step. “Sir, they kept hogging the centre of the dance floor and that is where we like to dance”. Mr Gibbs, had you shown a little more vigour in getting in the action, maybe there was room in the middle for you and a few of your friends. “But Mr Malthouse said to stay on the outside”. Gibbs, it’s not the bloody Pride of Erin dance championship, it is a school formal that requires daring, adaptability and guile. Now get to my office immediately.
Thirdly, all students were asked to be ready for each dance, and with a partner. But no, there were the likes of Mr Warnock, McInnis and co hanging aimlessly around the punch bowl, not paying attention and having no active role in proceedings. You had ample opportunities to find partners but you all seemed to want to dance apart. You should be ashamed of yourselves for letting down the prefects of this once fine school. You are not fit to be in the same classroom. Mr Malthouse stated at the commencement of the school year that he held great hope for this group and that you had the ingredients to possible win the school pennant if you applied yourselves. Well clearly Mr Malthouse was wrong in his assessment of the group or working under the illusion that you might actually try occasionally. “Mr Malthouse confused us when he changed the curriculum that Mr Ratten wrote”. Rubbish Mr Betts. The curriculum clearly stated that all students were required to adhere to school policy and protocol. “But we got things mixed up as we thought that only applied to the prefects and they did that hard stuff”. Out Yarran. I don’t want to see you again.
Finally, all reports will be posted this week and I suggest many of you will be required to attend summer school and repeat Year 12. May I also suggest that some of you may be asked to leave the school all together as you are not of a standard expected of an elite private institution such as Carlton. Most of you scored no better than Cs while some this year have a D- average. I would expect that there will be rather large canes wielded at next week staff meeting as Principal Kernahan has been fielding numerous phone calls from irate parents and old boys about the parlous state of the school. Now all of you get to the John Nicholls’ School Auditorium and write an essay outlining why you should be allow to continue your association with Carlton. Stop in the bathrooms on the way and have a good hard look at yourselves in the mirror. And I don’t mean to apply hair produce and undertake facial grooming. Now get out and don’t dare look me in the eye you wimpish rabble.
McVeigh A+
Richards B+
Hannebery C+

SYDNEY 3.3 8.6 13.8 13.8 (86) CARLTON 2.3 4.8 4.8 8.14 (62)

GOALS Sydney: Parker 3, Cunningham 2, McVeigh 2, Jack 2, Bolton, Kennedy, Jetta, O’Keefe.
Carlton: Waite 3, Betts 2, Gibbs, Armfield, Robinson.

BEST Sydney: McVeigh, Hannebery, Richards, Grundy, Parker. Carlton: Walker, Simpson, Robinson, Murphy,

About Tony Robb

A life long Blues supporter of 49 years who has seen some light at the end of the tunnel that isn't Mick Malthouse driving a train.


  1. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Excellent Tony Good Imagination but very Bloody accurate as well V Funny
    The Hitler Email doing the rounds last week would be Proud of this article

  2. A wonderfully well written report Mr Robb let down only by the lack of gaps between paragraphs. A-.

    Mr Judd should have been asked to stay for the lambasting though, rarely sighted on Saturday night.

  3. Very clever TR. I notice that the mad Science Master Mr Litza has a very different take to you on young Robinson’s potential. Do you think that pupils from Geelong Grammar and the leafy eastern suburbs schools will want to relocate to your now shabby institution. I understand that you are stooping to offering inducements to boys from the Dights Falls Reformatory to relocate.
    As for our Stolen Generation you can keep old Juddy. Solid head prefect but well past school leaving age now. Send us back young Yarran and Garlett. You should have known they would get homesick.

  4. Tony

    Original and very very good.

    Go to the top of the class


  5. Trade Robinson. I stand by that.

    Sack Kernahan. I stand by that also.

    And someone, anyone, please lay a ****ing tackle!

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