A Runningball Fable

Not so long ago and not so far away in the land of the Kitchener Bun, lived a man called Bon Deed. Deedy had served the Faaark Runningball Club for many years but he was having a tough time. Faaark was in trouble. A once proud club had missed the finals for two years running. To accept a third year in succession would ‘damage the brand’ as Mandy Dimview, El Presidente of Runningball Australia, would say from the bunker, back at the home of Runningball in Eastbourne.

Deedy could remember when Runningball wasn’t a brand.

One of Faaark’s best players, Bart Ticket, was the only decent forward since the premiership years (that were fading into memory). Sure, Bart kicked it like a bouncy ball man but he was big, athletic and took a nice grab. There was a lot of pressure to make sure Bart stayed at Faaark when the new Runningball expansion pogram began. The expansion pogram, and free agency for the players, had been driven by Mandy and she was very proud of it.

The best way to grow the Runningball business was just to add more.
More games. More players. More clubs.

Bon Deed had agreed to terms with Bart Ticket’s manager Cornucopia Now. Corny was astute and Australia needs more stutes, just as we need an increase in the GST.
Corny and Bart’s dad… Homer had encouraged Deedy into penning a little love letter in exchange for Bart’s signature on a new contract. The letter said in effect that the Faaark’s loved Bart so much that even if he decided to go home to Marge, whom he missed terribly, the Faaarks would obtain no more than 3/10’s of Faaark all on Bart’s departure to his home club. Corny and Homer also wanted to be sure that Bart had plenty of pies, pasties and sausage rolls while he was at Faaark. All the good players from all the good clubs had people on hand to provide as many sausage rolls as a good player could ever want.
This was despite the fact that Dimview felt that as many of those sausage rolls as possible should go to Empire House in Eastbourne where they could be distributed as needed to all the clubs, after due consideration, in the fullness of time, through the right channels, via the trickle down effect.

After a breakout year in which Bart had bruised his brain box many times only to triumph, Bart decided that the sausage rolls at the recent premiership club from Blingville were the best. So he promptly signed a contract with Blingville. Everyone back at his home club of Costa del Glitz was a little acrimonious at Bart’s change of heart. Several of their number suggested that they might tell Mandy about the love note and the sausage rolls. Faaark, realising it was only a matter of time before it was all out in the open, went to Mandy and admitted there was a love note.

Bart, Deed, Faaark head honcho Diddy Twigg, and head master of the Faaark board Knobby Smallgood, were all called before the Runningball Inquisition. Knobby asked for a private meeting prior to the Inquisition with Mandy. He told her that he had been advised by all of his four courtly nuisances that whatever the Inquisition found, that a court of law would find in the Faaark’s favour in the case of the sausage rolls. Furthermore, regardless of who had been the instigators of the love note, it was not part of the written contract. Everyone knows that once the love behind a love note has gone no one can bring it back and the note was worthless. Mandy replied that he didn’t give a flying aaark what Knobby thought and that if both Bart and Faaark didn’t plead guilty there would be severe consequences. She said a club about to sell its licence back to Empire House could not afford to win this battle, as they would most assuredly lose the war.

So everybody said they were sorry, and that they wouldn’t do it again.

Faaark told Diddy, he could have six months without pay.

Blingville gave Bart, a six month bonus holiday.

Some were pleased to see, these heroes feet, are clay

Seekers of truth, live on, unhappy to this day.

The End
(of the beginning)


  1. Steve Hodder says

    Funny. Insightful!

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