A message from the Premier of South Australia

South Australia’s time zone debate took an interesting new direction today as the Premier made new announcements in relation to the proposed alignment of South Australia’s time zone with the Eastern seaboard.

A message from the Premier of South Australia

My fellow South Australians. I wish to thank you for the constructive manner in which you have approached the time zone debate and embraced the political distraction that it was always intended to be. I believe now that we have the lack of unconsensus necessary to move ahead and turn our clocks forward half an hour. We will seek to do that with immediate effect. However, I am announcing today that the time zone change is just Stage 1 of a bold new direction for our state.

Stage 2 will see a range of changes to the operations of the state to ensure we remain, or possibly become, nationally competitive and relevant. Shortly after we move our clocks forward half an hour we will also be changing the name of the state. For too long we have been labouring under a misnomer, “South”, when the most prosperous parts of our state, Roxby Downs, the Cooper Basin and the Hungry Jack’s at Port Augusta are north of Sydney. Therefore we will be changing the name of the state to Western Victoria.

While this may create the impression that we are an adjunct to, or possession of, Victoria I am confident that this can work to our advantage. It contextualises the state in relation to the true seat of power in the country, creates business linkages and associations and will put an end to the shameful “Kick a Vic” signs we sometimes see at the football. I am also confident that it will boost our already burgeoning hipster economy by at least two massive beards per square kilometre.

You may think that is where a South Australian Premier would end in terms of change. But no, as Western Victorians we need to be more ambitious, have more chutzpah, more black in our wardrobes. That is why in line with amending the state’s name I have been working with a committee to rename our capital.

The committee is composed of eminent Western Victorians from all walks of life: from Mark Ricciuto representing the business sector to Mark Ricciuto from the media and Mark Ricciuto to ensure the voice of the average Western Victorian could be heard. Not to forget the voice of regional Western Victoria, Mark Ricciuto from the Riverland, also participated when he could. The committee has made a recommendation which I have accepted. I am pleased to announce that from 1 January 2016 Adelaide will be renamed Moggs Creek.

‘Why Moggs Creek?’ you ask. As you are aware I am a firm believer in keeping jobs in Adelaide, now Moggs Creek. I am confident that this change will keep at least one job in Moggs Creek. It would also have the distinctly pleasing effect of putting 100 AFL journalists in Melbourne out of a job. To add to this already significant improvement to the productivity of the Melbourne economy, the time saved by fans of Victorian clubs no longer speculating on Big Footy will add a further boost. We are nothing if not collegiate here in Western Victoria.

In addition to the conservation of at least one job, I can also announce that we will further stimulate the economy by means of a population boom. I believe forceful relocation to be a harsh term. As a result, we will be surprise re-housing the entire population of what will be known as Old Moggs Creek to a new, custom built, development on the Football Park site at West Lakes. The logistics involved in a middle of the night incursion into Victoria let alone the large amounts of Stilnox required will be a challenge but one that I think we are up for. The most difficult task will be securing a supply of Victorian beer for the new Moggs Creek pub.

Now I know not everyone will support these changes. Not everyone will see the benefits to themselves of these changes. Particularly if they, like me, wear teal more often than is usually deemed appropriate, in fact, at all. Just today I have had a phone conversation with David Koch. After a healthy and robust exchange of views I can confirm that he has conditionally supported the change. As the name “Port Adelaide” no longer makes sense, I can confirm that the area will be renamed “Port Moggs Creek Magpies 1870 Greatest Football Team Ever”. Eddie McGuire will not be consulted on the gazettal of Western Victorian place names or the amendment of any branding or uniforms related to this change.

And finally there is one last change that I will ask all Western Victorians to consider making. If we are to make this transformation complete, if we are to truly embrace our destiny here in this great city and this great state, we must commit to our future, body, mind and soul. We have changed the name of our state, our city and now the only names left to change are our own. I thank you for embracing this opportunity in the enterprising manner that will personify the Western Victorian way.

Signed
Jay Weatherill-Dangerfield
Premier of Western Victoria

Endorsed
Hieu Van Le-Dangerfield
Governor of Western Victoria

About Dave Brown

Upholding the honour of the colony. "Play up Norwoods!"

Comments

  1. I can assume that Paul Connors’ 12.5% commission is buried in the fine print?

    How will The Coodabeens Peter from Peterborough cope with “being from Western Victoria” taking on a whole new meaning?

    How many flags were behind Jay at the announcement? The over-under was -12.5. and I took unders.

  2. Malcolm Ashwood says:

    Great stuff Dave after the aussies pathetic effort last night we all need some humor in our lives

  3. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt-Dangerfield says:

    This might solve the thirty-minute gap, what about the other thirty years?

  4. What a stupid idea. Every economically rational person knows that Western Victoria is a redundant waste of space. As per my Task Force consultancy report to government: https://www.footyalmanac.com.au/where-is-the-sporting-capital-of-australia/
    the whole place should be closed and moved to the real West.
    Roxby Downs and the Cooper Basin can be run by FIFO’s.
    Most of the existing population will fit into Bunbury.
    Given that we have stopped the boats there are vacant detention centres in the Far North for Rulebook and Port Adelaide ferals.
    A 16 team competition will greatly enhance AFL standards.
    Dangerfield can play for the rebadged West Torrens Coast Eagles.
    Look forward to seeing you at Subi next year for a Swan Draught, Dave.
    You know it makes sense.

  5. Dave Brown says:

    Thanks folks.

    Connors gets Leigh Creek, Steve. No doubt he could make diamonds out of some of that brown coal, or at the very least convince others that he has.

    Yes, those swimmers were terrible last night, Malcolm.

    It’s now 31 years, Swish. That way it can be perpetually 1984.

    Interesting idea, PB. The immediate benefit of co-locating Rulebook and those Port Adelaide ferals as you put it is that they would all be Norwood members before the week was out.

  6. Luke Reynolds says:

    Wonderful Dave. That committee of Mark Ricciuto’s seem to work together really well. Surely only a matter of time before Mark Ricciuto-Dangerfield becomes Premier of Western Victoria?
    I hope Dangerfield stays at the Crows. Unless he decides to come to Collingwood.

  7. Peter Fuller says:

    Luke,
    Re your comment about the Ricciuto committee, Ben Chifley, Australian PM declared that the optimal-sized committee was two with one away sick. The American economist J.K.Galbraith constituted the Publications Committee of the Harvard Economics Faculty as its solitary member. He would duly report to Faculty meetings on the deliberations of the Committee, which was a simple matter of saying what he had decided, dressed up as though it was a multi-person outfit.

  8. Dave Brown says:

    Thanks Luke & Peter. As with many jobs, Luke, I’m sure if Roo wanted it he’d find a way to get it.

    Good to see he joins a long line of Effective committees, Peter.

  9. Mickey Randall says:

    Excellent stuff Dave. If fresh Coopers, chicken salt and fruchocs won’t keep him here, it’ll be a surprise.

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