A bit about (footy) pies

 

 

 

As it is for many of us, one of my joys in life is a pie at the footy: I know a bit about pies.

 

So, imagine my shock, witnessing a sparrow like supporter to my left, holding a pie VERTICALLY, and pecking at it for the entire first quarter. It held its shape – even without the safety net of the plastic wrapping – and zero movement from the meat. I was horrified and mesmerised (discreetly) at the same time.

 

Something is wrong in the State of Denmark – no offence Mary and Frederick.

 

Investigation was required, plus I was hungry. After assessing the pie purveyors, I settled on what seemed to be the most populated outlet: normal, hot pies being the aim. That sheep chute delivery of pies is like the punter’s gambit. There should be an ordered tsunami; hots to the front – a tad crunchy, bewdiful – and newbies coming through from the back – mostly warm, depending on the demand and quarter, with time to blister up to acceptable heat by the time they hit the front.

 

But no. It’s like the black and white chessboard squares have been pulled off and muddled around. The randomness of the individual heat is confounding. A polite and non-intrusive caress of the tops can have you select from way back, and match your footy partner’s with an offering five rows away and way to the left. Anyhoo….

 

Back to main game. Yes, footy (not going so great) but also pie consumption, the acid test. The most perfectly crafted pastry case and compliant meaty inside: it doesn’t even stain the crackly plastic encasement. NOOOOO. This is all wrong.

 

How do you go about eating a pie? And even with a plan, pies are individuals. Witness the crabby pie that spews out its burning insides onto the unsuspecting palm of your hand, as the back half or lid, reveals it is fractured on your first bite. And as an eater, do you nibble around the crust until it is possible to open a little steam hole before a serious attack? Or are you a ‘just go in and take the consequences’ type? Perhaps you have a careful plan: sneak a penetrating bite left, right then front, breathe in and ingest the meat offer to offset major spillage, then continue the ambush in this general pattern. Let’s not start on the sauce administration and management. Note to self, those little squeeze pouches will confirm that wearing black to the footy, whatever your team, is a prudent approach.

 

Look, whatever your style, there is no chance you can showcase it with the current offer of this important footy friend. Naturally, we all love the pie warmer and paper bag. Three cheers to local footy and dedicated volunteers, by the way. And of course, we are modern, grown up, and accepting. However, I personally witnessed a large scale, disturbing intrusion in the second half of the game, by A Well Known Brand Chicken and Gravy Pie, alongside a Seasonal Garden Vegetable Pastie.

 

I just say, be careful of the flashing torches of intrusion and invasion. Pie-Gate could be creeping up on us.