1986 – A Year With The Blacks Round 12: Sechs on Legs

The nation continues to flock to Adelaide in our 150th year.

During the week I was a guest speaker at the Sixth Australian Wine Industry Technical Conference.

I kept the various onanologists (as I think they are called) amused with some mildly ribald tales of my career as SA’s premier sportswriter. Big names like Craig Cock, Brenton Adcock,
Roger Woodcock, Andrew Sincock and Doug Long came immediately, to mind.

I also sat in on a few of the more noteworthy sessions including:

Session 14 – Soft pack technology

Understanding and improving bag-in-box technology I. Anderson, Wrightcel Limited

Leakers, equipment failure and quality assurance procedures for defect supervision D.N. Armstrong, Penfolds Wines Pty Ltd

Cardboard box quality, finish and glues M. Webb, Visy Board Co Pty Ltd

Who knew that the wine industry could be so mind numbingly boring esoteric? Why South Australia still persists with the notion that grape juice is important to our economy when we’ve got Holden, Mitsubishi and Beneficial Finance defies logic. Mark my words.

It was a blessed relief to spend some time back with the Blacks, now that all the byes are over. At least you won’t find them swanning around the Barossa.

July 12th 1986 Round 12

A1 – Griff’s Grassmunchers

Adelaide Uni 14.12 def Port District 8.11 (Uni Oval)

Goalkickers: Tasker 6, Bland 2, T Hancock 2, Antonello, Ewers, Hall, Molloy

Best Players: Huston, Williams, Dadds, Kenny, Ewers, Tasker

Second spot, 9-3, and Griff can breathe easier now that relegation has been avoided. More non-Teachers in the BPs has the old guard nodding in unison. The Kid snuck into the votes with half a dozen six-pointers. NASA, The Brick Sh*thouse, where do they get these nicknames from?

The Blacks lost last time against their next two outer suburban opposition cro-magnons fellows, so Griff might need to step up the Montefiore Hill runs over the next few weeks. A Friday night curfew would probably be more effective.

A8 – Glamour Side

Adelaide Uni 12.7 lost Old Ignations 15.17 (St Ignatius College)

Goalkickers: Fairbrother 3, Ashwood 2, Horne 2, Maddern 2, Burfield, Case, Graetz

Best Players: Horne, Hansen, McQuillan, Dutschke, Brophy, Fairbrother

9-3 and 2nd also, but this round was an opportunity lost for Maddern’s mob. If they had spent less time responding to the lippy mincing Iggies’ waterboy Crisp Hine and more time attacking the pill, they’d be on top. Horne rose to the occasion, popping up everywhere and was stiff not to have been recognised earlier in the season.

Coach’s Notes: The Silver Bullet plays a boomer. He has two kicks.The Premier (Tim Lange) arrives at the Athelstone ground and declares himself unfit. He plays a full game for St Marks the next day. Papa Raschella, pumped up after a night of watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre I, II and III invents his own horror snuff film when he does everything in his knee. When it is learnt the plaster will be removed in 6 weeks, Nasty Nigel Brophy pencils Raschella into the finals side. Opposition coach Pollard revels in humiliating everyone he can when his side leads, only to offend and embarrass a number of his team, fellow old scholars and other practising Catholics. Mr Aware never learns the truth. The World’s two Most Casual Men both go to sleep at half time.The team has reached the bottom of its J-Curve, but does the J-Curve exist?

A9 – Sty Council

Adelaide Uni 30.15 def Adelaide Lutheran 5.9 (cnr Goodwood Rd / South Terrace)

Goalkickers: Schwerdt 6, Leyland 5, G Pattison 4, Fahey 3, Goodwin 3, Marinoff 2, Priest 2, Thomson 2, Ball, Warren, Young

Best Players: Richardson, Schwerdt, Leyland, Young, Marinoff, Stendt

The Goalschutzenfest was brought forward a couple of months. Frau Trappe’s Year 10 German lessons at Elizabeth High were put to good use as British and Swish confused their counterparts by yelling “meins, meins” whenever the ball came forward, which was often. This midget Blacks pair combined for elf Tore, the finest of which was a frechen Schnappschuss from Leyland. Somehow Sty saw fit to give the maximum votes to the großer Baumstamm who kept banging the ball forward.

Undefeated Scotch is keeping the 11-1 Sty Council in 2nd spot. Round 18 will tell the tale.


With two thirds of the minor round done, I’ve sent the combover kid, Mike Gucci to round up the other Uni teams’ standings. It was hard to drag him away from his bedroom shrine to Russell Ebert, but he is keen on the black and white, so that helps.

Good As

Good As Deluded

A3 – Their coat-tugging team manager, Peter “Good As” Golding is deluded, thinking that they are a finals chance. Their 6-6 record is an improvement on their dismal opening rounds. Michael Burfield has recent bags of 9,7 and 9 but can’t get past The Kid for a spot in the Ones. Scarlett O’Hara, Sean Braidwood and Tim Proudman have lifted this side out of the cellar, but they’ll struggle to improve on the current sixth spot from here if I’m any judge.

Sticks - A clubman in a club of clubmen

Not bad for a Spooner

A1Res – Sticks mob sits at 5-7 with about 73 players used, languishing in 9th. New injuries encountered by the core of aging veterans include varicose veins, lumbago, forgetfulness and incontinence. But no-one will forget the 200 games racked up by Sticks himself over the journey since 1971. An extraordinary clubman.


Another Diggers goal (nice coat Shotgun)

A3Res – Sitting pretty in 3rd at 9-3, Diggers and Co are hitting peak form. They’ll be hard to toss in the finals (Hancock/toss, get it?) if Grunter Grundy, Geoff Stapledon and Marcus Anstey keep firing.

Quick Mick's 150

Quick Mick’s 150

A10 – 6-5-1 5th They’ve gone bit Hollywood these blokes, especially #130. He even wore white shorts to an away game the other week. Next they’ll be taking their boots out of their bags between games and washing their jumpers. If they start drinking Victorian beer, they may as well disband the club. Quick Mick Schapel’s recent 150th was another highlight (it only took thirteen years)



Laugh, and the world laughs at you

A11 – 9-2-1 3rd Bad Scum. Stop it now.


Gordon ‘Schwarz und weiß’ Agars (with help from Mike ‘Elstern Junge’ Gucci)

About Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt

Saw my first SANFL game in 1967 - Dogs v Peckers. Have only ever seen the Dogs win 1 final in the flesh (1972 1st Semi) Mediocre forward pocket for the AUFC Blacks (1982-89) Life member - Ormond Netball Club -That's me on the right


  1. Just add 30kg and 30 years. F*#k. Timmy Proudman pulling an all-nighter as an intern and a casual BOG follows. Not bad for a bloke shorter than me.

  2. Dave Brown says

    Lutherans must have been confused that someone named Schwerdt wasn’t playing for them. Only thought they’d conceded six behinds. Saw Mike Gucci running down Waymouth St yesterday, Australian tracksuit top flapping in a 10 goal breeze. Onya Gordon

  3. Gordon, I thought that you may have included the name of the BOG for the Glamour side in your guest speaking spot with the oenologists.

  4. These are brilliant Swish. Only read the intro for the Croweater colour of times past. The Uni Blacks stuff is lost on me. Your wordplay, memory and historical sources are unique. There must be a “Boys Life” book in you.
    Mark my words, I’d be first at line at the library if they got a copy.
    Onanologist? My beer drinking mates always said wine drinkers were wankers. Mind you the chateau cardboard is still the drink of choice for some of my clients. Discard the cardboard box to make it easier to conceal in your bag.
    One lady left hers behind when she unfortunately passed out. I was keeping it for her but the wine flies were a bit of a giveaway. Tempted to do a Gordon a couple of times to pass the afternoon with a sly tipple, but Fruity Gordo is not my style (except in your writing).

  5. Funny thing in a couple of weeks (July 23) the Lutherans have their 1986 (and 1991) premiership reunions.

    Brilliant as always – esp the car industry v wine industry discussion.

  6. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Excellent as always,Gordon not a pleasant memory that game against iggies

  7. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Thanks all. That reference from the wine conference is legit verbatim – Gordon must have kept the agenda.

    Good As – I’d say 25kg, tops

    Dave – He must have been saving the SANFLUA one for the next press conference

    Charlie – Thruster, Latvian Warhead, Donkey Bremert – the list is endless

    PB – You’ve been saving up that Fruity Gordo line, haven’t you? Touche.

    JTH – Hope their A9s are also celebrating

    Book – Yeh, what happened?

  8. Rulebook says

    Purely footy we were diabolical prob worst Uni performance I played in flat as a tack after the game

  9. Truer words have never been spoken as to the real engine room businesses behind the SA economy. There I was at the time thinking I had finally landed it big time in my career when I worked for Beneficial Finance as a Leasing specialist. Errrmm…. no.

  10. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Big Jim – Stick with the “entertainment complex” business, großer Baumstamm

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