I can’t figure out the NAB Cup!!!

I’ve heard it a few times over the last few weeks; bring back the footy. The cricket this summer was disappointing, both because we lost badly, and because the decisions of the cricket selectors were completely baffling for the punters on the street. There is a distinct feeling that we lost the Ashes partly because of incompetence. But this has all been well documented.

So we look forward to the footy. Yes indeed. I just wish I could understand the entrée to the season. The revised NAB Cup format looks to me like a dog’s breakfast. Perhaps NAB is this instance stands for National Australia Balls-up. I tried to read about the new format but woke up about three hours later with my head in a puddle of red wine. Apparently when I dozed off the glass of red was half way to my lips – it never made it. I have the same problem staying awake when I get those phone calls from Telstra that start with, “Let me explain our new deal to you. We’re offering a new deal on interstate and local calls. We calculate we could save you an amount equal to at least half the  coefficient matrix of a continuous function as it relates to De Moivre’s Theorum and the directrix of a parabola and/or the Fibonacci Sequence…………..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….. so long as you only use it off peak……zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

Anyway, the footy is coming. This week Melbourne plays Adelaide and Port Adelaide on the one park on the same day, then Carlton plays Richmond and Collingwood, and Hawthorn plays West Coast and Freo. Next week Brisbane plays Essendon and St Kilda, Sydney plays GWS (The Falafels) and Gold Coast, and Geelong plays the Roos and the Dogs. Egypt plays Iran in the curtain raiser.

If I understand this correctly, the six teams that have the biggest overall wins go through to the next week plus the two best performed losers. Therefore ten teams must be eliminated in the first week (lucky them). I have no idea what happens the next week but I assume that the surviving eight teams split into two groups of four and play each other on the same day but for shorter periods of time, sort of like the theory of ever diminishing returns. Rather than playing two other teams for twenty minutes each, each team must play three teams for fifteen minutes each. Elimination from this week must be based on which teams have the best record over the three games taking into account membership requirements, hair styles and off season troubles that need to be forgotten.

By the following week there will only be four teams left. These four teams will be split into two groups of three and will play each other for 5 minutes each unless of course it works out that they have to play themselves, in which case they will play with their clash jumpers on inside out. The final scores will be calculated by an assessment of who has kicked the highest score unless of course either the Falafels or Gold Coast loses in which case the winner will be the team with the lowest score.

It could actually mean that a team could play itself in the Grand Final, but the AFL will get around this by giving The Falafels and Gold Coast a power play. A power play gives these teams ten minutes on the field without the opposition being present. If this happens the other team is likely to be eliminated because the game will only go for ten minutes.

Should be fantastic. I can’t wait. The fireworks at the Grand Final should be wonderful.