THE WRAP – ROUND IXX

WHERE LIFE IMITATES FOOTBALL

What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The Fred Hesse Annihilation Scoreboard lit up early as The Bluebaggers shot down The Caretaker’s Bombers on Friday Night.  On Saturday Arvo, South Melbourne put The Hawks’ season in perspective while North Melbourne did the same favour for Fremantle.  On Saturday night it was the battle for the Minor Premiership and The Coveted Sylvan Shield.  The Mighty Magpies sit on top of The Ladder and will surely enter September as Premiership Favourites.  Over in The West The Beloved Eagles grabbed the Coveted Timber Trophy and will surely enter Season 2011 as the biggest basket cases since Fitzroy were left to bleed to death in the gutter.

Come Sunday and the Fred Hesse Annihilation Scoreboard continued.  The Saints kicked The Sweep against The Chokers to pip Carlton’s 149 from Friday Night.  Jimmy’s Redlegs finally got on top of The Tigers to threaten for The Finals over the remaining three rounds.  While over at Crow Park, The Gillards slipped in against The Chardonnays in a dour struggle.

September took on an ominous shape in Round IXX.  The Blockbuster was no down-to-the-wire struggle.  Collingwood surged initially, threw off a mild attack of Collywobbles, then re-grouped to overrun The Moggies.  This was an emphatic win.  Never mind wheat prices in Russia or The Games deadline in Delhi; if you live in or near the 3066 postcode, board up your windows and garage you car.  The 20 Year Cakewalk is about to descend on us.  For September Punters a couple to watch are form sides North & Footscray; the former has flare and the latter both flare & Bulldog Spirit.  (Are you saying North don’t have Shinboner Spirit Wrap? – Ed)  You know their new coach won’t let is talk about the S word Ed.   Besides, they have to make it first.   The Saints appears to have been reborn, but The Faithful will have worn out their kneepads by the end of September.  Freo could get to the 2^nd fortnight, but injuries seem to have cruelled them for 2010.  The Mayblooms have been valiant in turning their season around but were badly exposed up in Sin City, their Brave Effort withering.  Sydney will always be dangerous, but nuisance value only come the 2^nd Fortnight.  Carlton are only there by default, and Melbourne have the job ahead of them; the draw against The Ladder Leaders proving costly at this end of the season.

Maggot Watch – Maggot McBurney did himself no Beitzel Medal disfavours on Friday night, as he and the other two Blind Mice cruelled it for The Fans with as brilliant a display of over zealous (Would you like to make that over officious Wrap? – Ed) and bewildering maggoting as you’d see in a an Auskick GF umpired by the Mothers of Melbourne.  As Man Mountain Hille received a free kick and 50 for a high contact – when in reality he had randomly head butted a group of Carlton players – the comedy descended to farce.  And really, his reeling out of the group holding his head in mock injury would have won him an AFI award every time. (Or a contract with AC Milan – Ed)

But the real Maggot Watch has to be on the ones in charge of the twin calicos.  Some of their misses over the season have been blatant, and this weekend they could become legendary in as much as they could trigger a Player & Fan revolt.  AFLPA Pres, Danny O’Spud, has said the players are fed up to their eyeballs and have had enough.  The talk back covered nothing else.  With the September looming, the cry of It Could Cost Someone A Grand Final One Day can be heard across The Football World, and the Dockland trams are emblazoned with ICCSAGFOD in Ratsy script.  Down at Moorabbin they’re saying it already has.

Just one more If You Don’t Mind Umpire if you have the time.  What ever happened to the incorrect disposal?  Never mind the bottom hand handball, what about the blatant drop.  Carlton are past masters at it.  Sydney have it down pat too.  As soon as they feel the tackle coming on, and if devoid of options, they just let the pill drop.  Hoping no doubt for either the release of the tackle or the holding the man ruling, they make the penalty the endeavour rather than the pigskin.  Thomas Wentworth Wills and The Late Great Living Legend, Captain Blood, would be spinning in their sepulchres.  But it can be stopped by some backbone from Maggot Central.  How about it Giesch?  And you can start with everyone’s role model, Carlton’s only playing Brownlow Medallist.

Mrs Wrap made a suggestion on Saturday night as she struggled up from the woodshed of with another bucket of pinecones.  (The dickie knee still giving you trouble Wrap? – Ed)  Why not do away with the poster altogether?.  If the ball goes through the goal opening, it’s a goal.  It’s good enough for every other goal game, why not ours?  And if it rebounds into the field of play it’s still a live ball.  It would save a lot of angst, and money too Andreas.

Just to show that sentimentality hasn’t died at The Rose Bowl, Gav Brown has thrown his old teammate a lifeline for his 200^th game: a one way ticket to Surfers Paradise.  He’s put Magic Meddy, Cameron Wood and John Anthony on the clearing sale dodger as well.  By the time the other 16 clubs do their spring cleaning the Appalling Football League should have enough starters for another two sides.  How about it Angry?  You’ve always wanted a team out of Seth Afrika, and what about one up in Nu Guinea?

Wallsie to Blighty on Saturday night, in reference to coaching discipline, just as we were taught by our master coach – Ronald Dale Barassi Malcolm.  You just might have started something here Sir Frank.

And if we’re going to have electronic goal umpires, why not electronic player interviews.  Surely with modern technology we can superimpose faces & jumpers on the ‘player image’ and change the club names in the electronic voice over clichés.  The only one Daisy Thomas left out was ‘We’re taking it one week at a time.  As refreshing as There’s a lot of water to pass under the bridge before September, it still sounded like Julia Gillard fending off 60 Minutes’ Mark Latham.

Speaking of our sportz minded PM, did anyone catch her trying to pot the yellow over the weekend?  If they have minders & bodyguards, surely they have trainers?  Her bridge didn’t look too bad, but the cue wobbled about like a willow in the wind and the white barely made it to the end cushion, missing the yellow by a mile.  Full marks for effort, but you’d have to question her like experience if she can’t middle the cue ball.  Later, this great Aussie all-rounder took to the hockey pitch and had a hit and giggle for the cameras.  Someone should tell her that the girlie image went out when girls started surfing, back when Gabrielle Carey and Kathy Lette wrote Puberty Blues.

Speaking of the media, we’ve been picking up on some of Luke Darcy’s pronouncements lately.  While we wouldn’t dare question the Footscray Champion’s Footy prowess, but when he becomes a scribe, he opens himself to peer judgement.  Never mind Wallace costing them a Flag, it’s too far back to tell.  But judging from his performance at Punt Road he never had a Flag in him.  From what we’ve heard from Big Luke he’d have to go down as the thinking man’s Rex Hunt.  Take these examples.  Collingwood seemed composed despite the massive win.  What does that mean?  The Black&White Army hardly seemed a picture of composure.  Ecstatic, vitriolic and volatile yes, but hardly a picture of composure.  Mick is always going to be his esoteric self.  That’s not necessarily composure Luke.  That’s the way he is.  Later, speaking of The Gippsland Thoroughbred he said that Daisy had taken his game to a whole new level.  What level was he at before Luke?  If he’s not an A level player yet, does that mean he’s now a B level player and was a C level player before?  I don’t think so Lukey Old Boy. There were more, many more.  See how many of his inconsistent declarations you can pick up of each week.  (Might be time to start a Luke Darcy Watch Wrap – Ed)

Another one – can we please stop calling Last Year’s Premiers one of the Greatest Sides of All Time?  Luke does it a lot, but so does Bruce from Adelaide and others with a bad case of imagination shortfall.  If they are, One of The Greatest Sides of All Time, just how many have there been?  The Fearsome Norm Smith Demon Outfits of the 50s & 60s?  Tommy’s Tigers of the late 60s & early 70s?  Lethal’s Bad News Bears of the early 21^st Century?  Surely not Sheedy’s Bombers of 2000 with their solitary Flag, even though they nearly went through the season undefeated?  The Barassi coached chequebook Arden Street combinations of the late 70s and the Pagans Paddock era in the 90s?  And what about the Hawthorn sides of the 70s & 80s?  So where are they all now?  We’re not meaning to take anything away from The Cats, but there have been many Greatest Sides of All Time, so can we please drop that overworked description of a club that has brought together and trained a team of committed footballers to do what footballers are paid very handsomely to do?

And let’s put to bed this idea that Collingwood are a team of honest battlers.  This is a balanced team of professional footballers doing what they have to do and doing it well, very, very well.  Their efficiency by foot & hand are exemplary, their teamwork frightening, their courage inspiring and their work ethic unquestionable.  And I want you to know that we’re not a bunch of those Johnny Come Latelies around here at the Wrap Eddie.  We’ve had our application in for Bandwagon tix before the St Kilda game.  Would it be easier if I we called in at the Lexus Centre and picked them up.  We know how busy you are.

Besides, for a side of B & C graders, they just made One of The Greatest Sides of All Time look decidedly B grade.

BTW, did anyone notice when Steve J put Heath Shaw into the fence after the ball had crossed the line?  Ben Johnson gave the him a solid reminder that you don’t do those sorts of things to Collingwood players without a cost.  (Isn’t that something we pay the on-field adjudicators to do? – Ed)  He gave away a free, but he let the errant Geelong forward freak (2-2-1) know that he was out of line.  Something he’ll be sure to remember on TLSIS.  (Presuming they’re playing on that day – Ed)

Tony Dodmaide has come to the party and allowed TLSIS to become TFSIO for one year only.  (I thought the AFL had The Gee booked for TFSIO anyway, in case of a drawn GF – Ed)  The Ayatollah was adamant that no silver had crossed palms, which we have no trouble accepting.  Although the fines from Friday Night’s Whingy Hill mêlée would be enough to swing the deal.

But enough of my gabbin.  We’re into the IXX^th Round so let’s see who’s amongst the lost & found.

The Gliders v The Miseries.   If Essendon was a racehorse the connexions would still be in the Stewards’ Room and the horse impounded at the Victorian Institute of Animal Science out at Attwood.  Ten goals to one in the Final Stanza will go down in the annals at Whingy Hill as The Night of Infamy.  And their Caretaker Coach’s lunch order will be delivered from now on – complete with ground glass dressing, speciality of the Puckle Street Pâtisserie.  But let’s put this in perspective, you can’t make strawberry jam from crap.  And Essendon are crap.  By half time you wouldn’t blame Knighta for not coaching the next two quarters let alone the next two seasons.  Their depth is incredible.  Just in case something happened to Scotty Bumbleton, they recruited Jay Neagle to cover his loss.  Now that’s a real recruiting coup.  They haven’t got a player on their list that would excite anyone at The Sunshines or GWS.  In fact half of them would be knocked back by the Nar Nar Goon 3^rds.  Old Xavs might take on their Skipper and the Edenvale Nursing home might take on Tripper Fletcher as a games co-coordinator, but that’s about it.  Whingy Hill shouldn’t be in too big a hurry to sack The Caretaker, they may not find anyone silly enough to take on their football team of duds & crocks for next year.  But let’s not put too much on Cartoon’s performance last night.  The way The Gliders were playing they should have kicked ten goals every quarter.  That they had 45% more critical errors and still won by over 12 goals should be ringing some warning bells at Visy Park.  The Dons let themselves down in front of goal so much that even the maggots took pity on them, giving them enough 50m penalties to avert the meerkat stare for the remainder of the season.  It was Comedy Football all round, capped off by the traditional Half Time Brawl.  Even that was for pussycats.  Cyril Riolli would have looked capable in that stoush.  The 57,095 who paid their dough would have been entitled to ask for a refund.  And in case the Invertebrates around at the Star Chamber missed his previous three vicious forearm jolts to rovers, Man Mountain did it again, this time felling the chatterbox and part time actor Robinson.  Fair dinkum, you wouldn’t have either of these two teams in a s**t sandwich.  The Silvertails have The Tigers at THOF for the Saturday Arvo Blockbuster.  For Essendon – are you sitting down? – Essendon have Collingwood for another Friday Night Extravaganza.  It’s at The Gee too.  Make sure the kiddies are in bed early that night.  It’s going to be ugly.

North v Freo.  The Injury Plagued Dockers were no match for The Northerners.  Assured of a September Invitation, The Barry Crockers’ heart didn’t seem to be in this contest.  The possession difference was a staggering 135 in a match The Shinboners could have won by 20 goals.  They have St Kilda next weekend under cover in the twilight Sunday game, followed by West Coast over there and The Dees at The G.  The Anchormen have Sydney over there next weekend, followed by The Hawks down in Lonny & drag Carlton back to Sooby to finish off the season.  (And possibly The Blues – Ed)

Steak & Kidney v The Squawkers.  This was a must win both clubs, and it became clear early that The Swans were there to play Bloods’ Football.  The maggots, led by hotter than hot Beitzel Favourite Razor Ray Chamberlain, made sure things didn’t get out of hand, which tended to spotlight The Mustard Pots’ lack of discipline.  Their Spiritual Leader had his colours lowered again and the pressure appears to be getting to him.  His pointless outburst in the shadow of Half Time cost his side more than a late goal.  The stark reality is that the maggots are part of The Game, just like the Dockland surface.  Learn to live with it.  Captain Kirk certainly did.  When embraced from behind in a classic I’ve-got-you-&-you’re-not-going-anywhere tackle, he dropped the ball and lunged forward, dragging the unfortunate Guerra with him.   Another free, another frustrated Hawk, another Sydney score.  But you know you’re in trouble when Lewis Jetta kicks a goal against you.  And The Leafblowers are in a lot of trouble.  Season 2010 is passing before their eyes and there are no signs that 2011 will be any different.  Roughie is the new Kossy and the imagined promised era fades, mirage-like, in reality’s harsh light.  They have Melbourne at THOF next Sunday to stay in September.  The Bloods Rained Down The Thunder From The Sky and are set to give Coach Roos & Captain Kirk the send off they deserve.  They catch the Indian Pacific across the Nullarbor to do battle with The Embattled Dockers next Saturday.

The Handbags v The No Names. The watershed has been reached.  The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires are looking decidedly creaky.  On the other hand, The Mighty Magpies are practicing their 19^th Century Dance Steps.  The Pies dominated the play up to Half Time with little to show for it; The Handbags led BTNPM.  Gone for all money deep into the 2^nd term, The Cats’ Spiritual Leader & Coach’s Go To Player booted a Team Lifting Goal.  The Pies, busy going over their September dance steps, lost concentration as The Middle Aged Cats stormed to the long break.  But The Pussies had too many passengers: all big passengers too.  The site of Bomber trying to hide The Tomahawk in the ruck was distressing.  The jPod having to lead to the centre for a kick robbed Peter to pay Paul, while Ottens justified why Richmond didn’t shed a tear when he moved down the Princes’ Highway to the Bottom End of The Bay.  Compared to Cloke, Dawes and Big Leroy, they were ineffectual.  The Woodsmen took on The Pivotonians in the 2^nd Half, one on one, and came out in front, well in front.  Mickey Buckley won’t admit it, but The Maggies can get better.  Cloke just needs some hypnotherapy and they had six posters.  (You only need four for a good lie down – Ed)  I’ll do the jokes Ed, if that’s alright with you.  And let’s put to rest this no stars at the Lexus Centre crap.  If Daisy Thomas and Harry Oh aren’t A players would someone please explain to me what constitutes an A player.  No longer the Drouin Showpony, Dale Thomas is amongst The Competition’s most accomplished on-ballers and a total thoroughbred.  Light of frame but with the aerobic capacity of an emu, he presents time and time again.  Although not always taken up as the option, he presents out between wing half forward and wing half back regardless.  And when he has to, like Snoppy in his trusty Sopwith Camel, he can take on a player of any size and reputation in aerial combat.  There’ll be a more than a few changing their minds about Carringbush come the 1^st week in October.  (And maybe by the 2^nd week in October 2011 – Ed)  What did I say about the jokes Ed?  This is an outfit at its peak.  The Reigning Premiers were well and truly outplayed on the night, and it’s difficult to see where any improvement is going to come from.  They have The In Form Bulldogs under cover next Saturday night.  The Collingwoods take on The Gliders next Friday Night.  I think it’s at The G but I’ll have to check.  And yes Digger, the umpires did crucify Collingwood.  It’s part of the beatification process Mate.  Bear up under it you Old Sinner.

The Coasters v The Bad News Bears.  There’s really only one thing to say about this match.  When Jonathon Brown pushed Mitch Brown in the back with 10 seconds on the clock it was a free kick to West Coast – not a mark to Brisbane.  But in such manner are Wooden Spoons decided.  Brissy are back home to Adelaide next round.  The Coasters have Port in the Shadows of Mt Lofty on the Saturday night.

The Sainters v The Power on the Shifting Sands for the early one on Sunday.  The Dons sat The Saints on their backside last weekend and Port outplayed The Mustard Pots.  However, The Saints OTR aren’t The Mayblooms ahead-of-themselves.  Saint Kilda have blooded a couple of new chums and we wish Luke Miles & Tom Simkin all the very best in their début game.  The Feeling Faints will win this, and win it well.  Normally we’d suggest taking as much as the $1.22 on offer as you can get, but The Wrap Crystal Ball has been on the fritz all week, and the swirling mists just won’t form a clear vision.  Grain & sugar future offer more value this weekend.

The Fuchsias v The Wasps.  The Tigers had all the play.  The Demons had all the system.  And that about sums it up.  And if they had slo-mo repays of contested packs, Jumping Jack would have kicked a bag full.  Most of Jim Frawley’s arm chops were subtle, and with the ball moving down quickly to the Richmond goalsquare, would have been missed by Harry Beitzel himself.  But one or two were so blatant that you’d like to book maggots Schmidtt, Vozzo & Jennings into Coles & Garrard before next weekend.  That aside, Melbourne are that bit further ahead of Richmond.  Jackson, Morton Cousins & Newman were in everything for The Tiges, but The Dees had the answers come the closing stages.  They had winners everywhere when it counted.  Their backline no exception.  Holding The Tiges at bay until their forwards could gain a break was what won them the match for The Dees and kept their September Aspirations alive.  They take on The Hawks next round with every chance of repaying the slight of Don Scott’s rejection of their generous merger offer of not that long ago.  For Struggletown it’s The Silvertails on The Paddock That Grew.

Adelaide v Footscray. This was no walk in the park for The Doggies.  In weather that demonstrated once more that Football is a Winter Game, the defences controlled the contest – and the scores.  Adelaide showed plenty of Pride, but the Sons of The West are a class act and prevailed in a character building slogfest.  They head back to the more convivial conditions at Ethelred Oval for a Saturday night challenge – another test of character – The Handbags OTR.  The Crows fly up to The Gabba for some respite from the Brutal Adelaide Winter, and hopefully a win, when they meet Vossy’s Pride fresh from their Famous Victory in The West.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

The Wrap will be taking a short late season break over the next two rounds but will back for the finals.