What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  Firstly, let’s find out if that runaway wheel that spun off the Carringbush Bandwagon hit anyone.  They can build up a good deal of speed and do some severe damage.  Especially to those riding up in the front of The Bandwagon.  The Hawks enjoyed their team outing up at Wally World, and even managed to bring home some bacon for those teammates who couldn’t be fitted onto the bus.  The Yap Yaps finally found a gap in the fence and broke out to savage The Dockers,.  Steak & Kidney did it nicely against The Lions, but The Highly Fancied Rattzbaggers had to be content with 2nd in a two horse race as The Saints Came Marching Home.

Come Sunday Bloody Sunday and it was West Coast who did the decent thing and pulled up short of the 100 point humiliation of The Free Settlers.  Port Power salvaged some Croweater Pride with a thrilling, albeit convincing win over The Fuchsias.  And the teams who seem destined to remain TBSOOTF slugged it out under cover with the better side all year emerging victorious. 

And let’s scotch this malicious rumour that’s been going around the grounds right here and now.  The Ayatollah is not making plans to relocated Collingwood to Alberton for a merger with The Other Magpies.  “We’re trying to resurrect The Chokers, not bury them”, he told our Jellymont House stringer.  Although it has to be said, the stringer’s extra sensitive Sony IC Recorder picked him up mumbling of Essendon, who will rid me of these troublesome Marshmallows.

Can we expect to hear from the Mothers of Melbourne about cruelty to Children.  Having had their DSs confiscated on match day/night, Eddies kids had to endure some of the most sordid and traumatizing Football any young adult should have to endure.  In fact our resident psychiatrist, Shrink Kraponski, feels they may carry the scars to the grave.  He is equally concerned about older members of the Carringbush Fraternity. (And Sorority Shrink, The Sisters suffer too you know, especially when the Fraternity come home from the Grace Darling – Ed)  “Over recorded history there has been this misconception, driven by a deep collective consciousness from a group desperate for divinity, that you can be cured of the Collywobbles, when in reality the cure for the common cold is a more likely scientific scenario”, Shrink intoned in one of his shorter sentences.

Things just can’t go right for Carringbush can they?  Last year their redhot Brownlow Favourite was pipped by The Juddanaught.  This year Clokey couldn’t catch Buddy for The Coleman.  And just when you thought they were about to salvage something from Season 2011 with Heath Shaw’s Fevola Medal, with one round to go, along comes their old nemesis Essendon. The case for Dean Wallis to take the Inaugural Fevola Medal is solid, however, we have until the season officially ends on the 1st of October for a challenger to loom large, so let’s TIOWAAT.

Of course the headhunted Whingy Hill CEO put it all in perspective for us when he told The Saturday Sage that it was not even in the club’s mind that Wallis might be suspended, as Port Adelaide Coach Matthew Primus was for a $20 bet be placed on a Geelong-Carlton NAB Cup match in May last year.  “To say it’s the furthest of our thoughts is actually wrong; it’s not in our thoughts at all”.  We phoned Shrink for his take on this seeming unreality.  He described the condition as one of complete denial, and is common in cases where the person or organization’s moral judgement has been broken down under delusions of grandeur and a preordained destiny.  He feels that, starved of limelight by The Bye, and deeply concerned that people mightn’t be talking about them, the Whingy Hill Mob simply, albeit desperately, sought exposure in all the wrong places.  With Jimmy Hird describing Deano as a bit of a ratbag who developed into a leader under the celestial aurora at Whingy Hill, it would appear the condition is wide spread throughout the administration.

The Whingy Hill legal eagles, Downright Lie & Procrastinate, led by their senior associate Sir Frank Downright, were quick off the mark.  Old Deano was just kicking an empty beer can along the Beehive Plaza when he ran into an old paraplegic mate (Probably someone he put there in the first place during his bit-of-a–ratbag days – Ed) who asked him to place a small wager at the TAB.  It all makes sense, and demonstrates the type of decent chap Deano has become under the influences that we’ve all observed at Whingy Hill over the years.  We know they’ll buy it along Puckle Street.  The problem might be convincing Mr & Mrs Football, not to mention the Ayatollah and Angry Adrian.

Maggot Watch.  Just when you thought maggot Rosebury had the Beitzel votes for Round XXIV all wrapped up for his match turning performance in the St Kilda-Carlton clash, along came the Three Blind Mice and their four boundary riders at Ethelred Stadium for the last Home&Away Match of Season 2011.  With The Tiges applying tremendous pressure in their attacking fifty, North defenders just let the ball go with impunity.  Then there were two blatant out-on-the-fulls that would have given Richmond a shot on goal that were called touched.  Swinging swiftly to the other end, and The Roos could do no wrong.  In a match that was decided by a couple of kicks, this was masterful maggoting, and the Wrap Maggot watch Panel had no hesitation in award the whole group the Beitzel votes for the round.

Two teams that will be in the good books at Jellymont House would have to be the new Flag favourites Geelong & West Coast.  With 100 point margins becoming a whipping stick for the maladministration of the Ayatollah and his minions around at Jellymont House, both sides pulled up short of flogging their ill-equipped opponents by the ultimate embarrassment.  In fact Chappy, by his interchange overstep could even be accused of clairvoyance.  Who at that stage had an inclining of the tsunami that was about to engulf Carringbush?  Although, already battling with falling attendances blamed on embarrassing blowouts, the Ayatollah will be far from happy about the way in which Carringbush have re-paid him for the dream run he fixed up for them over the season.

Are we seeing a bit of shape returning to The Saggy Greens?  Is the iconic headgear becoming less Saggy & more Baggy?   And what about our new Golden Girl, Sally Pearson?  The Matildas are over in Thailand giving lessons on their way to the World Cup, and the Socceroos are joining them.  Not in Thailand Nurelle, on the way to the World Cup.  The lightweight coxless four made it another Golden Gong for the GoldenGreen over the weekend at the World Titles in Bled Slovenia.  (I’ve no idea Wrap, ask Kevin Sheedy – Ed)  In a refreshing burst of honesty, Casey Stoner, after taking out the pole position once more, admitting falling victim to fatigue.  He came 3rd to Lorenzo.

But enough of my persiflage, let’s see who made it through the Door in Round XXIV.

Carringbush v The Handbags.  Has anyone seen a bigger drubbing of a Premiership Favourite than the one handed out by Geelong to Collingwood?  Billed as a sneak preview of what is to come in the Finals’ Rounds, the 585,807 who will have been at the ground that fateful night witnessed the most dramatic bout of Collywobbles in the History of The Game.  Honestly, Collingwood were absolutely smashed.  Even the Gold Coast Suns, in their inaugural season, on their day, put up better shows than The Pies managed on Friday night.  Talk about the forward press.  This was the skull squeeze.  Every time a Magpie player even thought about taking possession they were set upon by two to three Alley Cats.  Punters of course would be entitled to call for The Handbags to be swabbed after their insipid display at home against Sydney the week before.  And Angry Adrian could do a lot worse than review the file tapes of the Essendon – Geelong game as well.  And, in the light of the unfolding Glidergate scandal, maybe even Essendon’s previous seven encounters leading up to that match.  Apart from the humiliation, that, judging from the huge gaps in the stands and the car park, they took rather poorly, they have lost some key players and their much vaunted depth now carries a sign, Strictly No Diving.  They shape up to next week’s encounter at the Traditional Time & Place against The Weagles possibly minus Johnson, Tarrant & Cloke, or at best with a question mark over their fitness.  Oh, and the Daisy Cutter, he’s still got a week o go for his rush of Collywobbles last week.  They regain Heath Shaw – fresh from the sweat lodge – and you’d have to think Eddie knew something when he insisted on having him back for The Finals, wouldn’t you?  But what about The Tabbies?  They had 30 more contested marks and 22 more contested possessions.  When it comes to tackles the figures Collinwood had two more of, give the lie to statistics.  The ferocity of the Geelong tackling can’t be measured on a clip board.  And if Chappy looked a bit sluggish early in the match, few could ride beside him when his blood was fairly up.  Thirteen contested possessions, told the tale.  Reports of the demise of The Handbags are greatly exaggerated.  They meet The Hawks on Friday in a match that has been moved back to 7.45 to accommodate Better Homes & Gardens.  Naturally we all hope that those Pyramid Building Society people who dropped a cool mill on the Geelong – Essendon match recovered some of their clients’ hardearned life savings from this outcome.

The Sunbeams v The Not Tanking Just Coasting Hawks.  If ever there was a chance for RedGoldenBlue to grab some individual glory to go with their team effort Timber Trophy it would have to be Little Gazza.  With Swan eclipsed and Juddy in a petulant mood, he collected 43 possessions – 22 of them contested – and must have picked up a lazy six Charlie Votes for the day.  But even with their Skipper firing and Karmichael skittling Mayblooms left right & centre, they were no match for the Box Hill Hawks.  They provided some light entertainment for the fans with three well fought wins and they had The Bagmen & Punters alike on the edge of their seats until the Penultimate Game.   Heavily backed to take The Coveted Sylvan Shield, they thought they may have blown their chances with a win in the Inaugural Bananabenders Derby, a come from behind away win against The Port Adelaide Basket Weavers and a shock victory over The Toothless Ones up under the coconuts.  It’s a big step from being an amusement park concession to Playing To Win The Flag For You.  We can only watch and pray.  After all, it’s our money Ralph.

The Dishlickers v The Barry Crockers.  If you want to know what’s wrong out in Julia Gillard’s electorate look no further than the send-off The Long Suffering Whitten Oval Faithful gave two Favourite Sons along with Their Brave Boys who, regardless of their showing this season, deserved more of a cheer squad than the 18,128 who ventured across to Telstra Dome.  Fair dinkum, it wouldn’t make a quorum at a Greek wedding.  Shame Sons & Daughters of The West.  No wonder you’re in The Doghouse.  Those Loyal & Faithful who did forgo the temptations of Droop Street, were treated to some vintage Big Bad Bustling Barry when he slotted four majors in a 10 minute purple patch to end his illustrious carrier.  He finished up at #14 on the all time list, ahead of such illustrious names as Dick Lee & Bob Pratt, and such modern day household names as Brendon Fevola, Michael Roach, Tony Modra, Simon Templeton & Warick Capper – just to name a few.  He’ll leave a huge hole in the goalsquare, and with Brian Lake apparently at odds with the club and Callan Ward tipped to head up to Panther Country, renewal is the only way forward for them.  Whether Rocket had passed his use by date is immaterial now.  They have up-graded facilities at Whitten Oval and from all accounts a super coach in waiting if they take up Leon Cameron.  Things could be a lot worse.  Look for some Bulldog Roaring and Biting in 2012.  As for The Barry Crockers, things couldn’t be much worse.  An aging list and a window closing.  A seeming lack of purpose and direction and a coach who has helped make Mick Malloy look like a comedian.  Basket weaving looks an option for Season 2012.

The Bloods v The Maroons.  This was a regulation win for The Swans going into The Finals.  The Maroons made them fight all the way, but with Adam Goodes doing nothing to diminish his Brownlow chances and Reece Shaw doing everything to make Collingwood wonder why they ever cleared him, The Lakers prepared themselves for their Saturday night meeting with The Saints on the Shifting Sands.  The Brisbane Bears wind up their season in a handy position to top up a Promising Playing Group.  Boss Voss is settling into the role of mentor and match day coach and is learning the art quickly.  A work in progress, but one that is progressing.  While it may be some time before we see the return of The Bad News Bears, we’re predicting a trip to Brisbane will be bad news in the foreseeable future.

The Miseries v The Feeling Faints.  The Blues Brothers would have known they were in for a bad night when Juddy got pinged for chucking.  And if St Kilda ever need to look for a jungle animal to emblazon on their Iconic Strip they could do a lot worse than entwine themselves with the image of an Anaconda.  Up to the Long Break it looked as though The Feeling Faints had had their fun and it was The Old Dark Navy Blues that were going to prevail comfortably.  Even with the Juddanaught again showing the signs of stretching himself between the roles of fatherhood and Captain of The Team That Never Lets You Down, they seemed to be doing enough against a team that appeared to have spent all its pennies getting thus far.  But you take your eyes off an Anaconda only once before you feel the deadly coils tighten and the slow but steady mastication begin.  And what can you say about Nasty Milne.  He had nine touches, five of them contested, kicked three straight himself, handed out two others and was in Carlton’s face all night.  Sure, he can be a little antisocial as he goes about his craft, but hey, if you want antisocial take a goosy gander at the series Channel Neuf are running at noon on Sundays over the next four weeks.  It’s probably the last footage of The Game Jack, Louie & Bobby knew and loved, and played for fun.  Beside their deeds, the antics of Nasty Milne are but bee stings to a stone.  That The Saints are doing this without the dominance of St Rooey is educational.  When they lost him last year through injury they held their own, and it may be that they should trade him, possibly to join his cousin at Tigerland.  The Tiges picked up a handy draft pick over the weekend and a fresh face in the goalsquare at Seaford might be just what they need.  But let’s not disturb a winning combination.  The win was a solid one and has earned them a home final against their oldest and most Traditional Rival, South Melbourne.  For The Rattzbaggers the loss must have been a shock to their system.  Their undersized forward set-up failed to fire and they are missing the presence of Jarrod Waite.  The experiment of O’hAilpin in the goalsquare added up to 4-1 but he was hardly a high-marking, pack-splitting threat.  With Juddy just ordinary, Murph, as hard as he tried, couldn’t carry the midfield load on his own.  They’ll regroup and prepare themselves for their Sunday arvo clash with The Rested Bombers knowing that at least they won’t be constricted.

The High Flying Eagles v The Pride of South Australia.  Over thirty six thousand turned up the read the last rites over The Pride of South Australia for season 2011.  The Crows only consolation being that their 50 point scoreline under cut Collingwood’s by three points; their scoreless Opening Stanza the first we can recall this season.  Where they go from here is anybody’s guess.  With the scorn of The SAddy awaiting them, back to Adelaide is not a pleasant option.  Maybe a new coach will lift their exhausted Self Belief.  Speaking of Self Belief, how much of it do you reckon these High Flying Eagles have in the tank?  True, they only monstered a phantom team on the weekend, but they did it in style.  They are building for something big.  Their coach has been there a couple of times, both as a player and a mentor.  They have a stable full of genuine champions and emerging stars.  They’re The Kings Of The Big Game and They’re Here To Show Us Why.  Could it be that they’re about to turn this September on its head?

The Tealers v The Fuchsias.  Cometh the Oval cometh The Crowd, cometh The Team.  Although, without convict labour, it’s going to take the Free Settlers until 2014 to erect half a dozen light towers and a couple of grandstands, the crowd that packed themselves through the Victor Richardson Gates to witness the last heart beat from The Melbourne Redlegs for 2011 were a sign of something stirring.  There’s little to say about The Dees on-field season other than it’s been a roller coaster ride for The High Flying Flag.  Like the basic wage, the only way they can go is up.  For The Power, although it must have been a bitter disappointment to have The Coveted Sylvan Shield ripped from their grip, it would have been a relief for their coaching Panel and the Alberton Administration.  And how bad must it be out at West Lakes?  Port can hardly pull a enough punters for a progressive barn dance and euchre night out there but can fill the Adelaide Oval.  There may be an untapped covert  supporter base in the City of Churches for The Adelaide Magpies.  With The Chardonnays turning to vinegar – watch this space.

The Tigers v The Shinboners.  The Battle for Glorious 9th went to the Shinboners.  Not point in dwelling on one of the most biased maggoting performances since Ray Sleeth trilled the pea.  The Tiges had their chances, but the same porous defence that has let them down all season again allowed Boomer Harvey, Swallow and Drew Petrie to carve them up.  And apart from Rockin’ Robin Nahas, and a cameo from Jumping Jack their attack lacked bite.  As good at winning the ball as their midfield was, they didn’t know what to do with it when they got it.  Don’t take my word for it; look at the stats.  Fifteen more contested possesions, 90 fewer uncontested possessions.  Coach Hardnose has said all year he’s happy with their endeavour.  So it must be that either the coaches aren’t getting the message across, or they’re stuck with some pretty slow learners.  Either or, or both, will have to be corrected before they take the next step.   The Shinboners are in a similar position.  Rhode Island roosters one day – feather dusters the next.  They were three key players down against The Tiges, who were serving it up to them, but they still managed To Join In The Chorus.  The Eight is made up of teams who have plenty of upside.  The Doggies, The Crows et al who have been making up the numbers being on the slide.  The fixture has a good deal to do with what happens in September, but as you can only beat the teams you play, The Shinboners are going to have to swig a lot more of the Majid Elixir before they run out on the big occasions in Season 2012 if they wish to extend their season beyond August.

And so on to September/October.

Hope your team gave you value over the weekend, and hope for the future.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap, you’ll know it’s not crap.

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Geez Mr Wrap, I look forward to your columns like the fairy floss man looks forward to the Royal Show. I struggle to find a couple of one-liners and ripostes a week. You pack 3 into every para. The short of a quorum at Greek wedding; and bee stings to a stone were this week’s favourites. And the sporting insights aren’t bad either. No one trick pony our Mr Wrap. Any chance of a Pre Wrap for the finals, now that Angry has you on lighter duties on Monday? Your flirtations with the Big Birds haven’t done you any harm either, this side of the Nullabor. Cheers and thanks for the smiles.

  2. On the road again PeterB. Will be back in The World’s Most Livable City PM Friday, so The Finals’ WRap may be a bit latish. But inspired by your generous words, the crew in The Wrap cave will DOB.

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