What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The Sainters shrugged off The Fremantle challenge in such an authoritative way that Students of The Game & Punters alike are rushing to reappraising their forward projections and budget sheets.  Dwayne Swann had 37 possessions, nine of them contested, in Carringbush’s dismantling of The Power From Port.  The Bombers fell in when another Brownlow Contender – after a 29 possession match, 15 contested – missed from out on the paint with a kick after the siren.  The Viney Redlegs managed to score seven goals in Four Quarters of Footy to restrict The Miseries to < 100 point margin expected by SOTG & Punters alike.  And The Handbags were loaded with house bricks down at Cat Central as they kicked The Sweep on their way to a 150 point eclipse of The Setting Suns.

Come Sunday and The Crows pipped The Lions in one seesawing thriller, The Mayblooms beat The Shinboners in another.  Over where the fatal Shore is girt by the Indian Sea, The Locals led at every change to romp home against The Tigers.

The Maggies have shipped Heath Shaw off to Arizona to sip at the Fountain of Wisdom & Truth they’ve discovered over there.  Are we alone in suspecting that what’s going down over there might not be all that halal?

Just to demonstrate they all speak with one voice around there at the Lexus Centre.  (Anyone able to tell us how many games Lexus played for Collingwood?  We can’t find any mention of him in the records, and we’ve been through the achieves at the Grace Darling.  Not one solitary dickie.  Not even a tout at The Tote or a trainer at Victoria Park carried the moniker. – Ed)  Remember, speaking of one sided results, Disgruntled of Collingswood wrote to The Wrap last week in reference to Melbourne & North.

Get rid of both of them and if the AFL want to expand the game into Queensland and NSW they need to have more teams up there than losers down here.

PS – There would still be a lot of young blokes who would want to come to Vic just to play for the Pies.

Now isn’t this just what Coach Brewery said on Saturday?  Speaking of the increasing numbers of Blowouts he said –

This is not going to bring Football people to Football.  The gap between the top and the bottom is just too big, and believe me ….. it will get worse when free agency comes in.  History shows, at any sport, players don’t want to change for money; they want to change for success”.  Not sure Little Gazza will have much success up on the Gold Coast other than personal goals.  But I suppose that could be construed as success.  In Tom Scully’s case – supposing he does go up to join Sheeds & Chokko at the West Sydney Inventions – it’s more like the opposite; fleeing failure.  The point is – they all think the same down at the Rose Bowl.

Speaking of that twilight world in the Shadows of The Sandstone Curtain, did we hear right when Sheeds was reported to have said he wouldn’t stand in Chokko’s way should he be invited to join another club?  Stand out of his way Sheeds, or stand behind him, in order to give him a stronger shove?

We’ll keep singing the Ayatollah’s praises as long we draw breath.  Although our faith in is ability to become the Most Reviled, Ego Driven, Greedy-grub sporting administrator on the Planet was shaken when we read the report on the Delhi Commonwealth Games.  Budgeted to cost $258m, the final tally came in at $3.92b.  That’s right Nurelle, 16 times more.  Now even Julia & The KRudd would be stretched to come up with that sort of turnaround.  Not even if they put Peter Garrett in charge.  The person the Indian administration put in charge of The Games is languishing behind bars AWS, and Delhi’s Chief Minister, Sheila Dikshit, is next in line for a Please Explain.  Ms. Dikshit has promised to co-operate with the parliamentary committee inquiring into the blowout.  I’m afraid Our Sepp still has a lot of ground to make up.  (Of course he could always marry Sheila and become Andreas Dikshit-Demetriou. – Ed)  Although embezzlement of billions through nepotism and cronyism hardly ranks with destroying something as fundamental and wholesome as Our Great Game, the very fibre that holds our diverse culture together.  And doing it in the name of ego and greed (You referring to his $2m+ salary again are you Wrap? – Ed)  Go you Aussie Good Thing Andreas.  Put a gap in ‘em.

And we’ve had a busy mail desk this weekend.  Most of them attacking the above quoted comments of Disgruntled of Collingwood’s challenge to pack off those teams that weren’t pulling their weight financially, or able to match it with the likes of Collingwood on the field.  The pick of them came from Put Out Shinboner.  The open honesty and pathos so caught our hearts here in The Wrapcave it has been published in its entirety.

I am disappointed that you have seen fit to incorporate some trivial comment in The Pre-Wrap.  It comes of course from your Carringbush correspondent.  Is it news to anyone that Melbourne can’t play footy and that North can’t draw a crowd.

I seem to recall it’s not so many years ago, that in spite of all its wealth and large supporter base, Collingwood couldn’t play footy either and were around the bottom of the ladder, with their members and supporters looking even uglier and most unhappy.

As for North not being able to draw a crowd, well that’s true, but since when has that been the measure by which a club ‘should be got rid of’’?  What arrogance!  Or, is the game now all about money, so if you don’t pull a crowd, then you’re not worth having and should be ‘got rid of’.  Seems to me that with Collingwood and the AFL it’s all about the almighty dollar !

I trust that your eminent publication will ensure, that loyalty, tradition and the poorer clubs are given due prominence, and that the views of those who think that it’s all about money, are seen as being self serving and arrogant.

(No punches pulled there Put Out Shinboner.  Good points made too.  It doesn’t take long to forget that not that long ago Collingwood were a basket case chasing priority draft picks and have been the perpetual bridesmaid over several decades.  Why it was even put about at he time, that for all their money, they couldn’t buy a Flag; didn’t even know where the Flag shop was. – Ed)

Your Broadcast Rights Bonus at work.  Angry Adrian, puffed up with accomplishment, notified us that, under his new sub-rule, it is the first year the game has slowed down, reversing a trend over the last decade for it to speed up.  How does he know that?  He has outsourced a company to GPS track the players on match day.  At what cost?  Under the veil of confidentiality that shrouds the triple entry bookkeeping at Jellymont House, we’ll probably never know.  To what avail?  Injuries are slightly down on this time last year.  Someone better tell them over at Glenferrie Oval and out on Whingy Hill.

BTW, someone has asked if they’re going to re-name the Home of The Bombers Whingy Flat once they move out to Tullamarine?

Maggot Watch – It was hard to split them again this week.  The three blind mice adjudicating the Perth game this week would have to take some beating.  Awarding twice as many frees to The Homeside (30 – 16)) takes us back to the intimidating days on the Victoria Park Members’ wing.  Up at the Gabba there were only 30 frees awarded all day.  But the individual effort came from down in Tassy.  Mathew Nicholls caught our eye with his inconsistency, no-nonsense 50 m penalties and redhot holding the ball rulings. Although Robert Findlay’s deliberate OOB from a 50m dribble across the boundary line against The Hawks in the tense Last Quarter had him in the highlight reels.  Ignoring several other instances of a similar nature in the tense last Quarter when the outcome was in the balance drew acclamation from the panel but Mathew had knocked up enough points earlier to carry the Beitzel votes on the day.

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see who was bathed in plenty after Round XX.

St Kilda v Freo.  Versammeln sich um meine kinder.  Lassen Sie Onkel Wrap dir eine Geschichte so beängstigend Ihre Zähne klappern und die Knie zusammen klopfen.  Once upon a time in a land not so far away there lived a sleeping giant called St Rooie.  Now St Rooie was not your ordinary giant.  He was a fearsome giant. Especially when he was stirred.  He lived with a lot of other giants.  Some bigger than others.  Some smaller than others.   The thing was, they, like St Rooie, were also fearsome when they stirred.  They needed lots of sleep, and they often slept right through the winter.  And who can blame them?  But once the sun appeared higher in the sky and the plovers gathered at Moorabbin to nest they knew it was time to stir.  Sometimes they stirred early.  Sometimes they stirred late.  Mostly too late.  But once they were stirred they became irritable.  When they all stirred together they became an irresistible irritable force.  And when that happens meine kinder the whole world shakes and rocks off its axis.  All the other tribes start looking over their shoulder to see what is making the mountains quake and the trees to tremble, and the canny creatures of the forest know it’s not safe to go down to the woods for their annual picnic.  And do you know what meine kinder?  That ghostly rattling of the windowpane on Friday night was the first serious stirring of St Rooie.  The Sleeping St Rooies march on The Carringbush Palisade to open proceedings next Friday.  The Barry Crockers are back home to welcome The Silvertails on Saturday.

The Moggies v The Metermaids.  The Hoopers could have been under the showers by the 1st change of ends and rotated a skeleton back half to make sure The Ablettless Sunbeams didn’t catch their Opening Stanza effort of 8.1.  And while Angry Adrian may be chuffed with the slower pace his decree has imposed on the game, it’s leaving teams totally exhausted by the Last Change and those with little to play for just run out of spirit.  When The Metermaids were fresh they mustered a three goal challenge to The Pussies 8-1 Opening Stanza Blitz.  When The Tabbies slammed through 8-4 in the Closing Stanza the return fire from The Debutantes was a miserable one roast joint.  Is this what you wanted AA?  And what’s happened to The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires.  This is the meanest Pivotonians outfit to come out of Kardinia Park since Troubles Flanagan & Russell Renfrey put the frighteners through The Competition and Woofer Davis and Bernie Smith provided the sheer class needed for Back-toBack Pennants.  The Maggies test the theory of The Sleeping Giants next Friday night at the New Victoria Park to get things under way.  The Little Miss Sunshines are back in Brissy for a contest that could define their season when they face off against their fellow Bananabenders on Saturday night.

The Blues v The Fuchsias.  Now how’s this for a Big Question?  Will Heath Scotland steal enough votes from Chris Judd to deny him his 3rd Brownlow?  In every Blues match we catch the Carringbush Reject is running the ball deep into attack, sometimes kicking the goal himself, clearing from the last line of defence at the last moment, or coming from nowhere to thwart a promising opposition foray.  Could Juddy score as many two votes as Little Gazza?  But then, will he have to?  31 possessions, 18 of them contested, has to count for something.  And as long as the maggots turn a blind eye to his bottom hand disposal technique you’d have to suspect that they’re going to give him prime votes.  And what a baptism of fire for the new Director of Football at Melbourne.  Seven goals 16 behinds wouldn’t have helped.  But after the Opening Quarter they hardly gave a yelp.  Oh to be a water boy on Tuesday night out on Casey Fields.  The Rattzbaggers are over in Perth next Saturday to play The Barry Crockers.  The Demons have the other Sandgropers on the Shifting Sands on Sunday in the early one.

Essendon v Sydney.  As hate-worthy as they are, like death and taxes they’re going to be with us to the grave.  So let’s be honest- GTWTCO.  They persevered and they persevered and they persevered until the prevailed.  September/October is now looking a distinct possibility for The Marshmallows.  (At least September Wrap.  October may be a month too far for them. – Ed)  But with every winner there has to be a loser.  And when you lose by TNPM it’s agonizing.  Especially for the losing captain.  With a 29 possession game you’d think the Sydney Skipper would have been pretty pleased with himself.  And with 25 of the disposals off the boot and 15 of them contested you’d have had to have him close to BoG and the recipient of three Brownlow votes.  He made only four crucial errors all day.  It could have easily been three if his after the siren shot had wobbled a little right instead of a little left.  He could have booked his team’s September position.  And he could have fulfilled every boy’s childhood dream.  As it turned out Jobe Watson’s led his team from the front and may have pipped A. Goodes in the umpires’ eyes.  The Dons have The Rested Doggies on Saturday night under cover.  The Lakers have The Tigers at THOF at the traditional time.

The Shadow of Their Former Selves Magpies v The Mighty Magpies. When your opposition kicks 1 goal in the 1st half and two in the 2nd you’d reckon you were in a bit of trouble.  And you would be if you were playing at Stamford Bridge or Gillespie Road.  But if your playing at the New Arctic Park you’d know you had a pretty good chance of piling on some healthy percentage.  Tazza played played his 250th and must be rated as another one of those players who want to play in a successful team rather than chase the vulgar dollar.  Add to the list Andrew Krakouer, Steel Ball, Darren Jolly and Big Bad Leroy Brown and you’ve got some half handy mature age recruits.  Chad Cornes was also chaired off after his 239th and final game in the BlackWhite&Teal of Port Adelaide.  From a Famous Football Family, Chad has won his share of awards and nominations.  Probably the one that surprized us the most when we searched his name was The Most Hated AFL Players.  Well, not surprized us that Chad headed the lists as much as there was such a list.  Chad and brother Kane have been loyal Servants of Port Power and have added something to The Game along the way.  (Even if the most  memorable award is a dubious honour. – Ed)  There is no doubt the Alberton Cemetery will be in upheaval with all those Sons & Daughters of Alberton spinning in their crypts.  If you want match fixing Adrian, how about fixing these mismatches.  And you won’t do it by tinkering with the rules any more than taxing carbon output will save the polar bears and the crown of thorns starfish.

Brissy v The Pride of South Australia.  New Coach = new attitude?  Ask them along the Rundle Mall this morning.  After getting out early, The Carbonated Chardonnays appeared to have popped their cork.  If the restricted bench wasn’t enough, Brissy turned on one of its beautiful one day, as sticky as a glue pot the next days.  And do you know what?  Those Lads that had wintered sheltering from the Southern Ocean Storms in the lee of Mt Lofty handled it better than the local Cane Toads.  And we know we’re always banging on about Graeme Johncock, but hey, if you want a spiritual leader to replace Roo & Andrew McLeod, look no further.  Boss Voss must be wondering what he has to do to win one for The Faithful up there under the palms.  Maybe it will happen next Saturday night when they take on fellow Cellar Dwellers, Cross Town Rivals and Sylvan Shield Contenders, The Gold Coast Sunbeams.  The Pride of South Australia gets to test its new found Self Belief against The Greatest Team of All next Sunday in the late one.

The Mayblooms v The Shinboners.  Chartists would tell you that the moving average bore all the hallmarks of a Hawthorn victory, and this is how it turned out.  However, SOTG would be saying they got out of gaol.  The Boners nearly stole this one with a solo effort from the lively whippet Matt Campbell, the likes of which are unseen outside A Boys Own Annual.  Look, this was Tough Footy, the way it’s supposed to be played.  It was Suburban Footy at its best.  Two teams with a pathological hatred of each other, a four goal breeze to one end, sleeting rain and a sky so low they had the lights on.  The Roos battled manfully all day.  Todd Goldstein and Jack Ziebell gave The Visitors terrific value as did Scott McMahon, but cream will always rise to the top, and The Mustard Pots, like any good Tasmanian milker, have a high butterfat content.  The Hawthorn Skipper wouldn’t have done his Brownlow chances any harm and Buddy’s three Last Quarter goals not only got his team across the line in the Tasmanian Derby, but also kept him at the top of the leader board for the Coleman.  The Hawks have The Chokers at the traditional time & place for Round XXI.  The Kangas take a well earned rest

West Coast v the Tigers.  Jack picked up Four Goals.  The Eagles picked up Four Points.  The Tiges’ one spirited burst in the Final Stanza was quickly snuffed out.  Thus ended Richmond’s commitments in The West for Season 2011.  The Weagles come to Melbourne next Sunday to play The Fuchsias under cover in the early one.  They could be justly teed off that they aren’t getting a run on the Home Football in preparation for September/October Action, but that’s not the way Angry Adrian’s mind works.  (Why have the Appalling Football League put someone in charge of Football at Jellymont House who knows jack s**t about the bl**dy Game?  Or have I answered my own question Wrap? – Ed)  The Tiges?  Well, they do get to run out on the Halloed Turf when they host Steak & Kidney at the traditional time.

Hope your team gave you value over the weekend, and hope for the future.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap, you’ll know it’s not crap.

With the stench of failure and defeat hanging heavily in the air we thought it time to trot out some homilies from those who have starred down the Great Leveller.  Tricky Dickie – no Nurelle, not, our Tricky Dickie – had this to say:

Defeat doesn’t finish a man, quit does.  A man is not finished when he’s defeated.  He’s finished when he quits.

Someone driven less by personal survival, Martin Luther King Jr., expressed it more altruistically:

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality.  This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

Napoleon Bonaparte, of whom we’re sure the Ayatollah would have approved, gives us a more romantic slant on it.

La mort n’est rien, mais vivre vaincu et sans gloire, c’est mourir tous les jours.


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. And Wrap, Mark Twain said that cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education……………..tink about dat.

    At Pieland they’re saying that Heath Shaw paid his own way to Arizona. Probably paid for it out of his punting wins.

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