What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires blew Top Spot when they let The Eagles jump them in the 1st Half on Friday night.  The Hawks did what they had to do against The No Brown No Brisbane Bears, Sydney squandered many chances but still piled on the percentage as The Metermaids continue to suffer from nappy rash, and The Moth Eaten Ones swallow a moth ball to blow a 23 point lead half way through the Championship Quarter.

Come Sunday and Mike, Lou  & Butch erected the Fred Hesse Annihilation Scoreboard at the MCG as Collingwood monstered North Melbourne by a massive 117 sleazy joints.  The Feeling Faints built a bit Self Belief as they held The Chokers to eight sausage rolls for the day while kicking an impressive 17-7 themselves.  And The Sons of The West put The RattBaggers’ season in perspective.  (Don’t worry about the Bandwagon tix Sticks; I think Eddie’s found some for us – Ed)

And how long will it be before Rupert tells us he has a young team, a very, very young team, and we have to expect a few car crashes.  We’ve just got to stick with them, keep developing the talent we have until we can have a crack at some ethical journalism?

Have you noticed it too?  That it’s a bit quiet with the Ayatollah out of town?  Come home soon Sepp.  All is forgiven.

Did you catch it too?  Page 20-21 of Sunday’s Sage in the Sportz Section?  You didn’t?  As an example of 21st Century copywriting and out and out up-yourself wankerism it’s a collectors piece.  Hope it hasn’t been used to light the boiler.  We’re told that preparations for the 2011 Christmas Polo are well under way and attendance at this year’s event is shaping up to be an absolute necessity! (Their exclamation mark – Ed)  This event offers the perfect transition from the excitement of the Spring Racing Carnival to the buzz of the Summer social season and as always the atmosphere will be charged and the focus will be on fashion, entertainment and celebration with friends. If this sounds to you like an invitation to a rave party for the over privileged, read on.  Talk about social engineering – the ‘pull’ even includes a dress code guide!  (Our exclamation mark  – Ed)  The 2011 Christmas Polo provides yet another opportunity to discover the new season of fashion and dress to impress. (Who wrote that – another opportunity – if this bash is so exclusive it would be The Opportunity wouldn’t you say? – Ed) Although appropriate polo attire is more relaxed and comfortable than for Flemington, it is just as important to assemble the perfect eye-catching outfit to last the whole day and of course be noticed! (What about a gorilla suit – eye catching and it would certainly last the whole day through – Ed) The hottest new fashion trends from Paris in the last few weeks are for people who like to stand out from the crowd (See above – Ed) in clear and bright varieties of poppy and geranium through to canary yellow.  Match this with accessories in refreshing cool Tiffany blue and hyacinth.  Break up the bright colours with sandstone and honey in blocks of colour. (What are they doing?  Painting a 1960s kitchen or something? – Ed) Gentlemen should aim for lightweight cotton pants or tailored shorts matched with a monochromatic shirt (think ink & white) and the option of a playful tie.  Of course a polo shirt is always a safe option.  Casual yet stylish hats are a welcome and sensible addition.  Fillies, make sure your shoes are designer casual and colts, boat shoes and slip ons will work for both the day event and the after party that night! (What’s with the exclamation mark?  Maybe it’s a reading cue – ! = ascending note, Edna Everage style – Ed)

Look, the prices aren’t out of the way and you can have your own marquee in the Executive Enclosure or settle in for a family picnic in the timeless surrounds of historical Werribee Mansion. Fair dinkum, you wouldn’t miss this one for ten quid a week and your keep would you?  I’ll be the one in the playful tie.  (Yeah, and I’ll be the one in the gorilla suit – Ed)  We’ll be there; if only to see who these people are and to maybe bump into Charles & Wills.  Just how many absolute and total wankers are out there that would allow themselves to be gulled by this shameless petty snobbery?  (And you thought the Bunyip Aristocracy died out with the Chirnsides Wrap – Ed)   And we’d consider the entry fee worth every penny if we could have a flute or trois of the old Bollies with the account exec and the copywriter for the two page spread!!

Well, the Tillies didn’t boil The Turnips in their billy.  They’ve jumped into the Billabong and their ghost may be heard as they waltz their weary way home.  It was all over before we switched across from Dancing With The Stars.  Zip two in 20 minutes was never a position The Gels were going to come back from.  Great effort, and not a flair was lit.  But the biggest news from across the waters would have to come from Gaelic Shores.  They’re still falling by the wayside, and Our Cadel was one of those caught up in it all.  He’s sitting three out and three back as they move on to the 1st rest day.

But hey, it’s not all doom & gloom for the GoldenGreen.  The Gels took a silver in the skulls at the World championships and The Diamonds proved to be just that as they wore down The Silver Ferns in a dramatic seesawing Final Stanza shootout in Singapore.  The Ferns were a couple of goals up at one stage at the death and must be duvustated to go down by TNPM.

BTW, Casey Stoner’s back on track – four wins from seven starts.  And even Mark Weber’s back on the podium – 3rd at Silverstone.

Over in The Land of The Free & The Home of The Brave Will Power has had a setback in his bid to take the Indy Car drivers title. He came into the Toronto race sitting 2nd only 20 points behind Dario Franchitti.  His day ended in the wall after two incidents.  Power, talking about his relationship with Franchitti, pulled no punches.  “I’ve always raced him clean, and he’s always raced me dirty. He never gets a penalty from IndyCar and he’s the one that complains about the dirty driving.” Regarding his relationship with Canadian Alex Tagliani, Power said, “It was no surprise to me, he’s a wanker.”  Some good old Aussie straight talking there, eh?

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see who’s was mean & lean after Round XVI.

The Coasters v The Cattters.  What did the Late Great Living Legend say about big men?  That’s right Nurelle, they don’t get any smaller as the game goes on.  Cox & The Nat mightn’t have had voting-snaring stats, but what they did was usually under pressure and timely.  And maybe Geelong have woken up to why Punt Road didn’t fight tooth & nail to hold onto Brad Ottens.  He has the happy knack of getting hand to ball but forgetting where his rovers were told to be.  And now he’s booked himself a mid-winter holiday at the Star Chamber Hilton.  Students of The Game would be excused for thinking that, with all the loose play coming into The Handbag’s game of late, maybe they’ve lost track of what Our Great Game is all about – aggression at the ball and winning The Premiership Pennant.  Discipline Tony, discipline is what they need down there at Corio Oval.  Once again they opened like a Brahman out of the chute at Longreach, but that fizz soon died and they were looking down the barrel at the Longbreak.  Coach Chris read them the riot act and to their credit they clawed their way back into contention, and were in it at the Citrus Huddle.  But we all know GTWTCO, and make no mistake, this West Coast Outfit is a good team.  Chokka block full of talent and Self Belief.  They have moved that little bit closer to booking a home final and are hitting their straps just as a couple of those above them are easing back in the traces.  The Pradas slip back down to Corio Bay with something to think about.  In successive weeks they’ve allowed themselves to be jumped after looking the dominant side.  Maybe it was the mid-season slump they had to have.  Maybe old joints take a while to warm up.  Next week they have a Sunday engagement with The Brisbane Lions.  West Coast join The Junction Oval Seagulls under cover on Saturday night.

The Hawkers v Brissy.  The Maroons stayed with The Mayblooms until the Final Stanza.  Anyone with any Footy nous could see this was becoming a season too far for both teams.  Injuring has left The Mustard Pots with makeshift teams, albeit, teams that Ride The Bumps With A Grin.  The Lions just can’t get it together.  They’re a bit Johnny One Note in attack but they have some smart youngsters coming up.  The Long Suffering Punt Road Faithful will be wrenched to see Andrew Raines amongst The Lion’s best again.  Buddy roosted 3-1 and had 4 scoring assists in a 26-possession game and he shares the Coleman lead with Jumping Jack Riewoldt.  The Hawks have the holiday next round.  For the Bad News Bears it’s back to the Gabba for a Sunday arvo match against The Rebounding Pussies.

The Metermaids v The Bloods .  The Gold Coast Suns’ Skipper may have to wait until season 2012 for his next Brownlow.  Off early in the 2nd term with a wrenched knee, he could be sidelined for anything up to six weeks.  The rest of his mob looked like they wished they could join him on the sidelines.  There is no doubt in anyone’s mind up where it’s beautiful one day and perfect the next – this will be a season to remember.  And no one will remember it better than Karmichael Hunt’s bank manager.  The Bloods did what they had to do without looking all that impressive.  One solitary major in the Championship Quarter when they held their opponent goalless is not inspiring Football.  More like a scoreline you’d find at Olympic Park on a flare-lit Saturday night.  The Swans host The Eagles for the early one next Sunday.  The Tiges have invited The Sunbeams up to Cairns for a home game they sold to the Appalling Football League

Bambi’s Bombers v The Endangered Species.  As Mrs Wrap said as she dished out the ½ time lamingtons, The Tigers have shown a distinct desire for the pigskin. Down at the Punt Road End they even may have thought they had this one for the taking ½ way through the Championship Quarter.  With The Whingy Hill Faithful letting the three blind mice know why Bomberland is known as Whingy Hill, and Paddy Ryder trying to look tough, everything was going Richmond’s way.  That was until The Dons got their game to click.  With Jumping Jack well held by Hurley on the night it was left to the other forwards, and midfielders, to take up the slack.  Apart from an individual effort from Cotchin and a trademark Dusty Martin snap out of a tight pack, they didn’t.  Worse than that they, and nearly everyone in Yellow&Black constantly turned the ball over.  Purists will have been heartened by the return of the Whingy Hill Brawl, but it a pale imitation of the inaugural stoush.  More like a scuffle, although the Richmond players gathered as a group and tore some Red&Black knitwear to shreds, but no one went down.  The Dons glide into The Eight pending a trip to the City of Churches next Friday night.  The Endangered Species drag their moth eaten hides up to Cairns for a Saturday night match against The Skipperless Sunbeams.

Carringbush v The Shinboners.  They used to say when the North Melbourne Gasometer was sitting high, so was the Footy Club.  Now the Gasometer has gone, and based on what they dished up on Sunday, so too may the Footy Club.  The only lines in the Champion Date count in which they beat their opponents were the free kicks and the critical error columns.  They scored as many goals as The Swedes did against The Matildas.  This is cringe material in a big way and has left The Shinboners at the lower end of the Mathematically Possibles.  All we can pray for is that Hugh Wirth wasn’t there with his camera crew.  What can you say about the Mighty Magpies that wasn’t said on the day by the 53,601 who where at the ground?  Another six vote game for Mr Tatts.  In fact, if they can feed the ball to Travis more often they could do what the Legendary Sides of the late 20’s did – take The Coleman and The Brownlow in a Premiership Year.  They did it on three occasions if you count the retrospective Brownlow (1930) to Albert Collier – Stan Judkins’ (Rich) year under the old count back system.   They won four Flags from 1927-30 and Nuts Coventry topped the goal kicking with 88, 78, 118 & 105 in all of them.  His brother Syd took The Brownlow in 1927 and Bert Collier won it outright in 1929.  Clokey sits six behind Franklin & Riewoldt on 40 and only needs a bit of a break to close the gap.  Come on Nathan, you’re the forward coach; tell ‘em to kick it long to Clokey.  Especially next Saturday Arvo at the traditional time at the Traditional Battleground against The Traditional Enemy.  The Shinboners will have to search deep in the cellar at Arden Street to find yet another barrel of the magic elixir before they tackle The Snarling Bulldogs under cover late next Sunday.

Port Power v The Culture Club. The Saints were just too good all day They’re not a big scoring side, more your boa constrictor type, and to kick over the ton on the wide open spaces of the New Arctic Park must have left them feeling a bit chuffed.  That allowed The Chokers to double their goal score – from four to eight – at a time when they are traditionally reaching for the oxygen bottle.  It took a bit of tarnish off the Saints’ win and their percentage, but they’re in touch now and will at least trouble a few sides.  They’re a game behind Essendon and two behind Freo, albeit with a superior percentage.  They get to test themselves against The Coasters next Saturday night on the Shifting Sands.  For The Tealers it’s The Fuchsias up in Cattle Country on Saturday night.

The Scrays v The Blues.  Just when you thought it was safe to apply for Silvertail Bandwagon tix they let you down.  At one stage, driven by the ageless Scotland, Judd, Gibbs & Murphy they even looked as though they were going to pick up from where they left off against The Tigers.  However, The Bullies had other ideas and once Boyd had kept Judd to just a solid game and the others tired (Or rested on their oars? – Ed) The Tricolours put a gap in them that The Blues were unable to close.  The Rattbaggers hold onto 4th but face the Ladder Leaders at Victoria Park next Saturday Arvo.  For The Sons of The West it’s The Beleaguered Kangaroos at The Bottom End of Bourke Street on Sunday arvo..

This week it’s The Mayblooms who have the rest.

Hope your team gave you value over the weekend, and hope for the future.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap, you’ll know it’s not crap.



About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. johnharms says

    Comprehensive, and amusing, JM. Was you Ottens comment ironic? or to be taken literally?

  2. John Mosig says

    No Harmsie, Bradley really was good at getting hand to ball but without advantage. Many times it was straight to the opposition, or maybe they just worked out where his limited arc was going to land the Sherrin from the angle from which he approached the bounce. You watch and see if I’m not right. And he’s only a 50/50 shot on goal. Now it turns out he’s a thug as well.

    But what’s happening down there at Sleepy Hollow? Seems to be a lot of attention on the man since the new coach took the reins.

  3. Rick Kane says

    Hello Mr The Wrap

    Speaking on behalf of those Hawks supporters without any footy nous I would like to contest your contention that “this was becoming a season too far for both teams” in reference to the Mighty Hawks.

    Yes, injuries are a worry but on the other side of the ledger, no one predicted the depth of talent Hawthorn could demonstrate this season. We’re third, having lost 4 games, with a run home that should bolt us in third place on the ladder. Through those injuries we have only lost 4 times. The first against Adelaide was a win gone begging (and was how we capitulated in games we should have won the last two seasons gone). The first Cats loss was still a good fight, the second could have gone either way. Don’t misunderstand me, we lost fair and square but we weren’t soundly beaten. Against the Pies we were.

    This has been a ripper season for the Hawks. In statistical terms, across the season (including the impact of injuries) we have won the third most 1st Quarters, second most 2nd Quarters, equal second most 3rd Quarters and third most (after Cats, the Pies) 4th Quarters. We’re winning whole or most of games. We are third behind (you guessed it, Pies and Cats) for average winning margins (of teams that look most likely to be there at the business end of the seasons) and third (behind Blues and Eagles) in average losing margins. In the first 5 games of the season our win ratio was 3/2 and in the last five games it has been 3/2, the middle 5 games we knocked up a 5/0 ratio.

    Sure, I’d love to say that one of our wins was against the Pies or Cats but other than that, the only anomaly was the first game of the season loss to the Crows. Injury toll and all, we’re done pretty well.

    I don’t see signs, based on the injury toll, that we are losing momentum. In fact, quite the opposite. This is a team going places. Get on board for the ride!

  4. John Mosig says

    The key here is that The Hawkers are still riding the bumps with a grin Rick. But the business end will be the test. Never let it be said we don’t have a soft spot for our neighbours from across the river down at Tigerland.

  5. Wrapster (straight back over the net at your body),

    many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many moons ago my ‘Richmond supporting nut’ brother declared, unprovoked, that Ottens would be a dual premiership player, when drafted at number two by the Tiges.

    The old ‘mark my words – just you wait and see’ approach. I acknowleged his Nostradamus like prediction last year. He was less than impressed with my capacity to remember such an iconic moment in soap boxing.

  6. John Mosig says

    I’ll bet he took it on the chin like the tuff little Tiger he is Phanto.

  7. Speaking of tuff Tigers when can we start negotiations for young Vickery?

    If Brad is as beyond as you infer we need a little more Tiger generosity to bulster our rucking ranks.
    He showed a bit at the half time break. Would fit in with well all Chris’s other newly found bruisers quite nicely.

  8. John Mosig says

    Driving rovers into the pickets is a tradition at Punt Road that goes right back to the Late Great Living Legend I’m told. Bradley was never like that. It could be one of the reasons we let him go.

    Actually, I like Young Vardy. What’s your take on the Tomahawk? Has he got what it takes Phanto?

  9. At this moment I am enclined to prefer him with us than against us. (Unless you would like a direct trade for young Tyrone)

    I think those howling for his blood are all outsiders. Perhaps they would like him to move on – in their direction.

    We may find out this week if Ottens gets rubbed out.

  10. John Mosig says

    I reckon he just lacks confidence. However, that might be because in his heart of hearts he’s rather be back in the Ammos. But Jack Who looks like he’s gained that killer edge. Maybe Tom needs some angry pills. Although it seems a pity to spoil such a sweet demeanour.

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