THE WRAP – ROUND VI

WHERE LIFE IMITATES FOOTBALL

What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  Is The Competition a movable feast or what?  First up – on the Thursday night over on the balmy Indian Ocean Shore – The Fuchsias fell in a screaming heap against The Weagles.  For the Friday night we switch to the Harbour City where, in typical Sydney weather, The Silvertails came from behind to steal the Four Points from under The Homeside’s very nose.  Meanwhile, back in the Heartland of our great game The Shinboners belted The Chokers by 10 goals and The Tigers prevailed over The Lions.  Back on the road again, and it was The Crows who stoned The Saints in the City of Churches.

Come Sunday and we witnessed possibly the greatest Fred Hesse Annihilation Scoreboard ever compiled as The Deadly Accurate Dons ripped the heart out of The Metermaids.  To close off proceedings it was left to Collingwood, with seeming aplomb, to put away another challenger, this time it was The Sons of The West to feel their mastery.

How can Melbourne play like the Norm Smith Demons when they’re wearing a jumper that looks like something Bobby Skilton would have been running around in on the Lakeside Oval circa 1958.  Nothing wrong with that per se, but it’s the South Melbourne look, not The Demons battle dress.  What would be wrong with reversing the colours – a red jumper with a blue yoke – so they’d at least look like who they are?

The Hun reckons Footy Fans are to be the real winners under the new broadcasting deal.  Oh yeah; why would that be?  Because we’re going to get an early start to the Friday night match.  Whoopee-do.  Footy Fans would really be real winners out of this extravaganza if The Gnomes in The Bowels of Jellymont House subsidized the outrageous charges for food & beverages at the game.  A beer, a lemonade, a hot dog and a bag of hot chips and you don’t see any change from $25.

Just waiting for the outcry from Actors’ Equity.  Did you ever see such a performance from the felled in the Adelaide/St Kilda match?  The Sainters were the main offenders, although Adam Schneider looked genuinely shocked when ex-Tiger Tambling axed him with a savage elbow off the ball.  Arguably Adelaide’s Chris Knights started it all when he dropped to his knees after the Iconic Zac slipped him one.  One, it should be noted, of not much more force than your 11-year-old grandson would give you when asked to test himself.  But Jason Gram & Sam Fisher’s reactions to some tiggy touchwood aggression from Sam Jacobs & Kurt Tippett respectively would earn them a walk-up start with AC Milan or Juventis.  Come on Angry Adrian, this sort of thing has to be banished from The Game.

If anyone else but Jimmy Stynes had said it we’d be saying, yeah, right.  What did he say?  Dean Bailey’s coaching tenure would definitely not be discussed at tomorrow (last Sunday) night’s board meeting.  We believe you Jummy.  But that board meeting would the only place on the planet Where Hearts Beat True that it won’t be.

And while we’ve got you there, better get down to your caring broker and take a position on Matthew Primus.  After his lame post match press conference he’ll be moving up the leader board.

Talking about caring brokers, have you got maggot #12 in your Beitzel Medal trifecta?  He goes by the name of Corey Bowen.  We were in the stand and dead in line with the unencumbered view of the contest Corey had.  Merrett’s hands were clearly in the small of Jumping Jack’s back as he was forced under the pass, yet the call was play-on.  Maggot Bowen had the same unrestricted line of vision as we did.  The only difference was that he was only 20m from the action.  He’s too new at the caper to have a profile on the Maggot Central website, but you’ll know him when you see him.  He’s the one with the pale mousey hair.

Did you manage to catch the AEK Athens v Atromitos over in the Home of Democracy?  It was the final of the Greek Cup .  AEK were 3-zip to the good entering nine minutes of injury time.  Not good enough for the AEK Fans.  They reckoned they had the match sown up so they invaded the pitch, some to celebrate with their heroes, others to attack the opposition supporters in their VIP section with projectiles.  What is it about the round ball game that incites this misplaced passion?

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see who’s still in the mix after Round VI.

The Coasters v The Fuchsias.  Did you hear the one about the horse that came into the bar?  The barman said – why the long face?  Well there’ll be some elongated faces in the Longroom as Melbourne’s season unravels once more.  Two wins against the Queensland representatives and a dishonourable draw against Steak & Kidney is all they have to show so far.  Throw in a couple of drubbings and the bye looks inviting.  The Weagles are on 3&2 and are getting better with each passing week.  The Dees would be their best winning margin, but the honourable losses to The Bloods & The Mayblooms have ensured their percentage is positive.  Fair dinkum, put a red circle around them.  The Redlegs?  Get as much on Coach Bailey as the Coach Most Likely as The Bagmen will let you take.  When Club Legends like G. Lyon & D. Schwarz start sinking the slipper it’s not long before the Committee declares they’re 110% behind the coach.  We all saw what happened to Matty Knights when J. Hird & M. Lloyd came out against him.

The Swans v The Miseries. The Swans looked to have this one covered all night, but we must acknowledge Carlton’s effort to come from behind in a match that had been a slogfest from the 1^st bounce.  If it came to a comparison of the two teams’ respective Dual Brownlow Medallists, the count was  – Judd: 33 possessions, a behind and 3 score assists to Goodes: 13 touches, 2 behinds and no score assists.  The Juddanaught brushed away the years to lead his lads home in a Famous Victory, their 1^st win against The Sydneysiders since the last Century.  And one that possibly has opened the door for a Top Four Finish.  And let’s not forget Fast Eddie’s contribution.  He too only managed 13 touches, but those 13 touches accumulated 4 majors, 1 behind and 3 scoring assists.  That adds up to one very dangerous small forward.  Some cynical SOTG may suggest that no Judd no Carlton, however, the Optus Oval Faithful, based on their team’s renewed fighting spirit, have every reason to feel hopeful.  (Is that renewed or renown Fighting Spirit Wrap? – Ed)  The Bluebaggers have The Feeling Faints in another marketing experiment when they play them on today week.  The Bloods have The Bulldogs up at Manuka Oval for a Saturday arvo encounter.

The Shinboners v The Chokers.  With ex-Preshil’s Toddy Goldsmith starring in the ruck, The Shinboners kicked a match winning, if sloppy, 18-25 to notch up a percentage building 10 goal margin.  And while we wish to take nothing away from the victory, their opponents’ effort was insipid.  Pretty much the same as their coach’s post match press conference.  The Norsemen have opened their account for Season 2011 and taken at least some of the pressure off the Beleaguered Arden Street Administration, but their Saturday encounter with The Moggies down at Sleepy Hollow at the Traditional Time may reverse some of the gains from their round VI success.  The Power from Port have The Mayblooms for the Friday night match over in the City of Churches.

Struggletown v Brissy.  The margin belies the difference between the two sides on the night.  The Tiges gave away their customary lead and at one point in the Opening Stanza The Bad News Bears were nearly three goals to the good of their Hosts.  Richmond closed the gap and pulled away in the 2^nd to lead by 23 points at the long break.  They lost concentration in the Championship Quarter and coughed up the lead at one stage before a blistering 4-8 to 2-2 Final Quarter.  With Simon Black & Luke Power everywhere, The Lions took it up to Richmond, but at the end of the night there were too few consistent contributors amongst their teammates.  Put simply, The Tiges had too much flair for them.  Ex-Tiger Andrew Raines kept Cotchin quiet but there were too many Richmond runners to cover.  Foley is back to his pre injury best and Rockin’ Robby Nahas played the match of his career.  Dusty Martin was everywhere and Houli again demonstrated what a handy pick-up he’s turned out to be.  Once Grigg moved onto Black, Brissy lost their mojo and but for the close checking of Merrett, Jumping Jack Flash would have booted 10 goals instead of the five he did bag.  Make no mistake, The Tiges may not make it through to Sept/Oct but they’ll have a say in who does.  The Long Suffering Faithful at Punt Road were in full voice as the ground management played and re-played their Famous Victory Hymn.  And this won’t be for the last time in 2011.  Richmond test their progress against The Fremantle Dockers next Saturday evening at The Home of Football.  The Lions, in a clash that could well decide who holds aloft the Coveted Timber Trophy in 2011, have an equally daunting clash with the Gold Coast Sunbeams at The Gabba later the same day.

Essendon v The Metermaids.  We all hope they’re proud of themselves out there at Whingy Hill.  This was nothing less than a total monstering of an underdeveloped team by one that aspires to past greatness.  Not pretty to watch unless you were Whingy Hill Faithful or a stats perve.  The Sunbeams actually outscored the Bombers in the 2^nd Stanza but it was just a dead cat bounce.  They managed only two more in the other three quarters.  After the euphoria of last weekend, this was a reality check of the severest kind for the Competition’s newest team.  The Dons take on someone their own size for the early one when they meet The West Coast Eagles under cover next Sunday.  The Suns regroup for the Local Derby up The Gabba on the Saturday night.

Carringbush v Footscray.  The Sons of The West took it right up to TRP in the Opening Stanza and the Boilover was on the cards.  But as the drizzle evened things up, it was the class of The Magpies that came to the fore.  By the Long Interval The Pies had pulled ahead and only poor conversion had prevented them from stitching up this game.  Whether The Maggies still get relapses of the Collywobbles or a reaction to their flu injections is not altogether clear, but The Doggies shook off their kennel cough in the Championship Quarter to close the gap and set themselves up for a fair dinkum dip at Flag Holders in the last term.  Five minutes in and they’d drawn level.  The Bagmen, badly bruised by Black Caviar’s unending success, were starting to smile again.   Never mind today’s takings, was the Carringbush attempt to go through the season undefeated coming to an end?   Step up Sid Steelebottom and Heath Shaw.  Twenty five possessions between them in the Deciding Quarter.  Then there was Big Bad Leroy Brown’s effort; four goals in half a quarter of a low scoring contest is Boys Own stuff.  Let’s put this Carringbush effort in perspective.  The Woodsmen added 45 points to their score in the Final Quarter.  Their opponents only booted 57 points all day.  We’ll wait until we see how they go against Geelong, but it’s looking very much as though the only team able to beat Collingwood is Collingwood.  They have a rest next round and face The Pussies the week after that.  The Doggies have a trip to the National Capital where they put on a display for their Full Forward against The Sydneysiders.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

To close off the round let’s go to Tajikistan where they have a few word for the Ayatollah and his collaborators embedded deep in the Bowels of Jellymont House.

For a greedy man even his tomb is too small.

BTW, The Wrap and Mrs Wrap are taking an early season break.  Checking out those grandchildren who live beyond The Fatal Shore.  Back around June sometime.  Until then, good tipping and even better punting – and may your season unfold in a way that brings you hope and at least some joy.