The Toyota Pre Wrap: AFL Round 23



What a week it’s been in Football Eddie?  The biggest news this week would have to be the launching of Thomas Carey’s Booker Prize winning work The Monomania of Prince Truculent.  Lauded as the definitive work on The Whingy Hill Saga, it covers the entire fairy-tale from the protagonist’s early career as a heroic choirboy utility player to hardened leader of cutting edge sporting chemo-technology and pharmacological experimentation.  The coverage of the courthouse drama is especially poignant, as is his lonely and dramatic arrival at Melrose Drive – a ground to which the Appalling Football League had denied him access – across a rain swept car park.  There wouldn’t have been many who weren’t moved by his copious radio and television interviews, given as he waited in breathless anticipation of the court’s verdict.  (Is it true that the queue outside the Wrapcave lavatory stretched around past the coffee machine? – Ed)  And don’t you just adore that delightfully Continental little flick of the hair he’s brought back from his sabbatical?  But we’ll let you read it for yourself.   Available as an e-book at  But if you want a copy for the poolroom, don’t dally.  It’s being marketed as a limited edition.

Speaking of Continental Pique, how about that little tiff between Rosberg & Hamilton?  Mercedes Benzs at 150mph.  You’d think the factory would have picked a couple of drivers able to demonstrate emotionale stabilität before entrusting them with an $8.5m rennwagen, wouldn’t you?  (Make that a pair of $8.5m rennwagens Wrap – Ed)  But it opens the way for Daniel Ricciardo to Bradbury his way to the Drivers’ Championship, so what do we care that the Knights of St George and the Teutonic Knights are still blindly at it after all these centuries.

But enough of my yackin’.  Let’s see who’s going to be feeling footloose and fancy free after Round XXIII.

The Mighty Mudlark v The Family Club, where else but at the MCG.  Luke Ball will be playing his farewell match tonight.  (So will Carringbush – Ed)  A loyal servant at two clubs – St Kilda & Collingwood – he will be remembered as much for his blind courage as his Football prowess.  Vale Luke Ball, you’ve been an Ornament to The Game.  The most amazing thing about this uneven contest is that The Bagmen have The Leafblowers out at $1.06.  With the reporting season all but over, this is the best result going around so far.   That’s right Wrappers, The Paid-up Proud & Passionate are the Wrap Safe as Houses Investment opportunity for Round XXIII.  (There’s a few of them in this round actually Wrap – Ed)

The Miseries v The Marshmallows, back at The G for the early one on Saturday.  Ordinarily this match-up would pull a crowd north of 85,000, but if Geelong v Hawthorn with 2nd rung up for grabs on a mildish Saturday night can only pull 72,852 punters & SOTG through the turnstiles what hope has this lopsided contest got of overflowing into the general admission bleachers?   The Bombers lose one match winner in Carlisle but regain another in Heppell.  There’s a temptation to give the Bluebaggers a last hoorah for the season.  With the Philosopher Coach’s new imprimatur from the Gang of Thirteen to cut deep into the list, Brock McLean is back with a chance to play for his 2015 contract.  Yarran and Waite would have to be in that category as well.  However, The Gliders will want to maintain their winning form.  Should The Tiges get up – there’s only 0.9% separating the two clubs on The Ladder – it’s not one they’ll want to drop.  As tempting as it was – and the numbers around the Wrap Selection Table were split 4-3 – The Peptides won the vote and it’s The Club That Dare Not Speak Its Name from the Wrapcave.  But that shouldn’t stop the less risk averse investors from availing themselves of the generous $3.15 Little Tommy Waterhouse and his fellow travellers are chucking around.

The Mauve Miasma v The Power From Port, over there in the mid afternoon.  Here’s an elimination final if ever there was one.  The Double Chance & a 2nd Round Home Final on the line.  Both sides are cracking the whip for September.  Port looked super impressive last weekend against Carlton, but then, so would have the Nar Nar Goon 3rds.  The Barry Crockers have also been showing some form.  They were stiff not to get up down at Skilled Stadium the other week and looked comfortable against The Bears up in The Lions’ Den.  With The Pav back in the goalsquare and Barlow back on the ball, it looks a game too far for The Hinch & his Charges.  That doesn’t mean they won’t be in the hunt.  They seem to be over their mid-season slump, and they’re the sort of mob who will go down last man standing. That withstanding, and as much as we feel uncomfortable tipping against Alberton Oval, it’s The Haze for ours. And at $1.45, they’re The Wrap Mortgage Buster for this, The Final Round of The Home & Away Series of the 2014 Toyota Premiership Season.  (There’re a lot of mentions of Toyota cropping up Wrap.  We’re not going to see you driving around in a Corolla Axio next year are we?- Ed)

Struggletown v The Tinseltown, out at The Other Olympic Park in the gathering gloom.  The Bloods have nothing to lose, nevertheless they’ve gone in with both Gun Forwards.  (You don’t mess with form this close to September – Ed)  On paper it looks all David & Goliath.  But with the Ark once more back at Punt Road the Tiges could well swing a deadly slingshot.  Dusty’s back and there’s a new Self Belief around Tigerland.  Just one blink will do it, not that The Lakers have shown any sign that they have had anything in their eye since Hawthorn punched them on the nose back in Round XVIII.  Look, what the heck, The Striped Marvels can really turn it on when they click, and can defend as good as anyone.  They’ve got serious ball getters, and if they jump The Swans it will be game on.  That’s right Wrappers, at $3.25 The Endangered Species are The Wrap Roughie of The Round.

The Moggies OTR v The Boys From Old Fitzroy, after dark at Kardinia Park.  The Maroons picked a bad time to visit Corio Bay.  The Catters will be smarting from their mortifying loss to the Hawks last round.  Their opponents tomorrow had a morale boosting 11 goal win over Collingwood on their last venture to Bleak City.  But they’re not playing Collingwood this time; they’re playing The Catters, and they’re playing down at Flat Town.  At $1.07 fully franked The Bangkok Handbags will pay better than Patties Foods.

The Shinboners v The Furphies, on the Shifting Sands tomorrow night.  North get to read the last rights over Melbourne’s first of three seasons under the Consultant Coach.  Put down the glasses, it’s The Kangas all the way in this one.  (A refreshing confidence in North Melbourne Wrap.  You’re not converting are you? – Ed)

The Gold Coast v The West Coast, up on the Metricon Ride.  The Wedgies have been as hard to read as any side this season.  Some good wins and some shock and shocking losses.  They won their first three matches of the season but haven’t been able to sling more than two successive wins together since.  The Other Coasters have struggled without The Little Master, but haven’t been far off the pace.  They’ve named everyone including the Bootstudder for Sunday’s early one, but The Eddie Eagles should have too much at stake to let this one Slip.  The Weagles.

The Pride of South Australia v The Feeling Faints, in the Shadows of Mt Lofty mid Sunday afternoon.  The Saints have been brave all season, but they’ve been outgunned, out numbered and out played.  There have been glimpses of form and their 10-goal demolition of Fremantle was a Famous Victory to celebrate.  Adelaide Airport is a lonely place at the best of times, and a Winter’s Sunday evening is a long way from the best of times, but at least TLSJOF and their team will be cheered by the knowledge that they have next season to look forward to.  The Chardonnays.

The Sons of The West v The Big Team From The West of The Town, under cover to finish off The Final Round of the 2014 Toyota Premiership Season.   (You’re not going for a Camry Hybrid are you? – Ed)  The Doggies have a chance to move a rung up on that Tragic Team from Optus Oval with a win over the steadily improving Giants.  They should be able to give Daniel G the send off he deserves.  He has given Western Oval 15 years of loyal service and has been a Favourite Son, no less so as when he came on as the sub to sink The Tigers with a couple of timely majors in Round III.  Their opponents have lost four to injury and after their gut wrenching loss to Collingwood last round they’ll be glad to get this season-ender behind them.  The Doggies for ours.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in the Wrap, you’ll know it’s not crap.

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Dunno about all these short priced faves in Round 23? Strange things happen when one side is focussed on next week, and the other on Mad Monday. Time to lock up your dwarves.
    And tipping punters into the Tigers in Sydney??? I reckon its Tommy not Toyota that sponsoring (sorry commercial partnering) your previews.
    TLSPRF – The Long Suffering Pre Rap Faithful.
    I’ll be at mass on Sunday morning lighting a candle for my Eagles. A Derby elimination final would be last man standing. Go Eagles.

  2. Grant Fraser says

    “emotionale stabilität” – love it.

    And with Ball’s announcement, the first of the “Greatest Draft of All Time” treble bows out. Only one Luke remains, and with “Don’t Touch Him” committing to another season I reckon the jury is still out as to who will be judged (pardon the legal puns) as the True Number 1 Pick.

  3. My real money’s on The Weasels getting up, but you’ll need to burn a box of candles Mr B. It ain’t gunna be no pushover.

    And don’t come crying to me when the Tiges bring home the bacon.

  4. Apologies – Carmichael Hunt bows out at season’s end too. After 44 matches he gets a lap of honour and a new body shape. You’re loaded food & beverage and entry prices at work. Give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside? Us too. Hope Nurelle remembered to replace the toilet roll.

  5. Good for football.
    Shithouse for the Eagles.
    Sydney tanking inquiry?

  6. Skip of Skipton says

    Adelaide Crows are the unlucky ones out of this shemozzle, more so than the Weagles.

    Stinking Essendon only won one quarter today. Under the 8 point system they would have scored 3 because of the draw, but would be missing finals.

  7. Sorry Mr B.

    They’re the real September Pretenders all right Skip. Any chance you could run up an end of August 8-point ladder?

  8. John Butler says

    Good to see your Tiges reward your faith TW.

    That only took 32 years :)

  9. We call it character building around at Punt Road JB.

    What do you call it around at Visy Park?

  10. Skip of Skipton says

    Sydney 127
    Hawthorn 126
    Geelong 121
    Fremantle 115
    Port Adelaide 111
    North Melbourne 106
    Adelaide 96
    Richmond 94
    Essendon 91
    West Coast 90
    Collingwood 83
    Gold Coast 78
    Carlton 71
    Western Bulldogs 66
    Greater Western Sydney 53
    Brisbane 49
    Melbourne 46
    St. Kilda 40

    The Crows, who actually won more quarters of football than Fremantle, can rightly feel gypped by an inadequate points system. Terrible for Sando who now has to coach with the noose hovering.

  11. Thanks Skip. It exposes Essendon for the quarter explosion experts they’ve become to sneak into September. And the unluckiness of Adelaide. But everyone else seems to be in the right place.

    It would make for more exciting football through the year. I wonder if we should mount a campaign to have it introduced? Pickets outside Jellymont House. Stink bombs at the GF. That sort off thing. Sure to get attention.

  12. While I’ve got you there Skip, how are you handling drawn quarters? I presume no points awarded, or are you allocating half points?

  13. Skip of Skipton says

    No points given for drawn quarters. I suppose half points should be given. Will get back to you with amendments.

  14. No need if you’re busy. Or unless it changes things dramatically.

    But you know what Skip, I think we might be onto something. Any system that tips Essendon out of the finals is a good system.

  15. Skip of Skipton says

    OK, I have dotted all the Is and crossed all the Ts, and this all adds up.

    Sydney 127.5
    Hawthorn 126.5
    Geelong 122
    Fremantle 119
    Port Adelaide 113
    North Melbourne 107
    Adelaide 96.5
    Richmond 94.5
    West Coast 91.5 (116.86)
    Essendon 91.5 (106.34)
    Collingwood 84
    Gold Coast 80.5
    Carlton 72
    Western Bulldogs 66
    Greater Western Sydney 53.5
    Brisbane 50
    Melbourne 48
    St. Kilda 41

    Brisbane failed to win one quarter in eleven of their matches!?
    This happened to St.Kilda on seven occasions and GWS six times. The Dees only thrice.

    Sydney, Freo, Port and the Crows all won at least one quarter in all their matches.

    Essendon won only one quarter in ten of their matches. In another they managed to tie one quarter.

    Fremantle tied seven quarters. Port was next with four. Bulldogs the only team not to tie a quarter.

    Hawthorn had the most four quarter wins with seven. Cats next best with five.

  16. Good one Skip. Thanks. Should be an important KPI going forward

    That Hawthorn figure of 7 x 8-points games is telling. I was at their Round XXII match against Geelong, and was at Sydney’s Melbourne match against The Tiges. I reckon Freo’s more of a danger to Hawthorn than Sydney. But for my money, The Hawks have got the game to go all the way.

  17. Skip of Skipton says

    Hawthorn’s only 0 point game was round 5 against the Cats when they got heat in the kitchen all four quarters. That was a dour Freo type effort by the Cats who kept the Hawks to 12 goals, probably their lowest score of the year. Expect similar this Friday night.

    I reckon Freo can take care of the Swans at Homebush, especially if the going is soft/wet, and the weather forecast is saying such.

  18. No fear out at Waverley. The Kennett Curse has been exorcised. Nothing stands in their way. Although the talk in the trendy bistros & coffee houses along Glenferrie Road is that The Tomahawk casts a shadow over the Hawthorn defence. Last year’s Norm Smith Medallist holds the key. And Suckling’s injury status.

    The Mauve Miasma is rolling across the Nullarbor like an Ebola outbreak. Ignore them at your peril. Injuries & the Star Chamber will play an important roo, as always. The incident prone Johnson & Roughhead beware.

    The others are just TV fodder.

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