The Things We Do For Love – It’s Business Time – the All Black First Five

Well bugger me, I’m in the doghouse again and travelling about as well as the former Footscray mob over the past decade or ten. Geez, all, I said was that given some of the sheep-shagger’s cricketing shenanigans in recent times, and the secret spot-betting clouds that surround the sub-continent, I wouldn’t read too much into the Kiwi’s 98 run victory over the drinkers of Ceylonese tea in the Cup heats the other night. Bloody hell, it’s a fair cop isn’t it?

But no, you’d think I was Quade Cooper laying a sly one into Sir Richie McCaw the way the missus blew up. If ya reckon old Quade copped it bad at Eden Park you should have been in the stands at up here at the Geebung Polo Club last night, where I copped a dead set hiding at the hands of the Tuaman’s 3rd cousin, twice removed.

Now I’m a bloke who was brought up not to hit women, particularly one who’s related to a champion boxer and used to train in the Mangere Gym with his dad, so I just took the flogging and dropped to the ground and covered up like a turtle. Old baldy Garrett had it ass up – just like he did his politics – and as old Flashman used to say it’s better to live on your knees than die on your feet, although admittedly it’s not a theory that old Albert Jacka subscribed to. But you’ve gotta remember that old Al may have been Australia’s greatest war hero but as a trotter he ended up in the claimers, and the bloke was once the Mayor of St Kilda, and they’ve been travelling well since ’66 haven’t they?

Anyway, without getting into the nitty details of the whitewash, long and short is that I promised the bloody Aucklander that I’d regale the readers of the Footy Almanac with a classic collection of the great Kiwi croons, as selected by Mr Butterfly. And so, with a Maori spear pointed at my head and the threat of being brown bread, here they are.


Number Five – A Day at the Races With Nicky Watson

Now it’s a well-know fact that Kiwi woman are the greatest slappers on earth. It’s been proven by no less an authority than the 2007 Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global survey – which questioned 26,000 people in 26 countries about their shagging proclivities – and found that Kiwi sheila’s are the only birds on the face of the planet to have had more sexual partners than their fella’s.

Yep, that’s a fact – Kiwi women on average each bonk 20.4 blokes in their lifetime, which you have to admit is an impressive achievement, and a good reason to zero in on a filly who says fush n’ chips next time you’re on the prowl and boogying on the dancefloor down at Louis Moran’s former favourite watering hole the Brunswick Hotel.

To put it in perspective the global average shag count for a sheila is 7.3, so it’s clear that Kiwi’s are triple the fun. But of course like all averages, there are some up above and some below, and the bird at the top of class has been both there and everywhere in between. I speak of course of Nicky No Knickers Watson, the classy Kiwi who was once married to Warriors owner Eric Watson before she started bonking the motormouth former Manly fullback Matthew Ridge, among – by her own admission – hundreds of others frisky fella’s.

Young knickerless Nicky’s not very well know over this side of the ditch, so the missus asked me to screen a snippet of one of her famous live spoken word performances to give you a little insight into why Kiwi women pull all the blokes.



Number Four – Cheryl Moana Marie

You can’t go to a hangi in Kiwiland without some bugger pulling out a ukelele and belting out Cheryl Moana Marie, the unofficial national song of New Zealand. As a bloke brought up on Waltzing Matilda and Working Class Man I haven’t got the faintest idea what the All Black fans are on about, but then I don’t eat whitebait either.



Number Three – The Gumboot Song

Now the missus reckons that thongs are called jandals, so you wouldn’t back any piece of footwear that she tipped you, even if it was entered in a maiden restricted to 7-year-old mares at Taumata whakatangi hangakoauau o tamatea turi pukakapiki maunga horo nuku pokai whenua kitanatahu, the racecourse with the longest name in the world.

So when she starts claiming that Gumboots stolen from the local freezing works – that’s what countries that can play cricket call a meatworks: all New Zealanders are conscripted into 12 months National Service in one docking lamb’s tails when they turn 15 – have got it all over Aussie Ugg Boots you just have to smile and nod and, remembering that she grew up with Tua, take it all with a grain of salt.

The mashed-vowelled Missus politely requested that I play this one for you, as she slowly started to smother me with a Paua shell.



Number Two – The National Anthem

How the hell could you lose a footy game after this? The greatest rendition of any national anthem anywhere, ever. (With apologies to Julie Anthony and John Williamson).



Numero Uno – It’s Business Time

In the Butterfly household it’s taken as a given by the nippers that when Brett and Jerome start to warm up the vocal chords it’s time to dash off to bed, put in the earplugs, and pull the pillow over your head. For the tin lid’s know that the Butterfly’s Brisbane Boudoir is about to start rocking.

Because when they hear the gentle strains of the Flight of the Conchords ringing out over the ranch, and see the old girl’s meat pies start to glaze over as she’s looking at old Archie, well they understand that It’s Business Time. And like folk the whole world over, they know not to try to get between a Kiwi bird averaging 20.4 and a bonk with a bronzed Aussie balladeer from Geebung.

Gotta run, see ya later! Coming luv!





About Archie Butterfly

Archie's decided to follow the dream and try become the next great Aussie bush poet. They all think he's mad. He's out to prove them right!


  1. Archie

    Agree, reckon the Kiwi anthem is one of the best, brilliantly sung and stirring, love hearing it at events


  2. Hi Archie,

    As a Japanese having lived in Aotearoa for four years, your piece is absolutely interesting for me!

    Number 5 is the friendly reminder for me that I am more popular among women in New Zealand than here in Japan, although I have never involved in being in a relationship (without my wish indeed). Oops, should I not analyse about dating? Maybe… But ‘experiments’ have been quite well done and I have to analyse, like science classes at school? Or should I still conduct ‘experiments’??



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