THE PRE WRAP – ROUND XVIII

FOR THE PHILOSOPHICAL MARNGROOK FAN

What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  Collingate has extended it’s creepy testicles tentacles to include the troubled denizens of The Culture Club.  Leigh Montagna has been cited as sharing a betting account with his brother.  Gee whiz.  But it looks like the key to all this – as with so much of life – is humour.  That‘s right folks; all you have to do is tell the Appalling Football League that you were only joking when you kicked the goal and all is forgiven.  Even if your Mum is laughing all the way to the TAB.

But are Adam Goodes & The Wrap Team the only ones to have seen through the smoke screen being set up by Angry Adrian and the spin doctors around at Jellymont House.  The three blind mice adjudicating at the Swans v Freo match last Sunday made eight decisions that resulted in goals to The Dockers.  If you want to get to the bottom of Collingate, who else feels we should be moving the investigation on to Maggotgate?

And Big Bad Bustling Barry, a.k.a. Bulldog Barry, has called it quits.  A journeyman of rare temperament, not to mention ability, his honest, no nonsense style made him a drawcard.  He booted a ton of goals at all three clubs he played with at the elite level and captained a premiership side at South Melbourne.  Along with Warwick Capper, he’s probably the most charismatic full forward never to win a Coleman Medal.  His decking of Brett Staker is still used at Jimmy Sharman’s Gym to demonstrate the brittleness of the glass jaw.  BBBBarry, The Football World salutes you.  You have been a Loyal Servant and an Ornament To The Game.

Has anyone noticed?  The Ayatollah’s BIT.  And for those who thought he was teaching his kids how to snorkel out on Lizard Island over the last fortnight, and playing a little frizzbie golf with Mrs Ayatollah, you were wrong.  He’s been fasting in the wilderness amongst the rocks and the thorns, waiting for the bush to burst into flames and the revelation to come down from on High.  And what a revelation?  Remember when North shunned the very generous offer to relocate to the Gold Coast?  And the Ayatollah set-up his own team from scratch with your money Ralph?  (That was two teams Wrap – Ed)  Well, not happy with the Players stand on an equitable share of the loot from the broadcasting deal, he’s set out to have his own players by regulating and licensing the recruiting process.  It’s said it will weed out unsavoury characters from the game – read anyone who questions his actions.  Chicken Lips Nixon has warned of the dire risks to the very fabric of Our Great Game should the right of free agency be removed from the Players.  And, regardless of your views on player agents, and their role in the development of young footballers, there does appear to be a dangerously strong element of control in this latest pronouncement from Jellymont House.

Wrappers, we don’t often ask you to reach for the keyboard, but under the circumstances we here in The Wrapcave feel it may help those at the Lexus Centre through these troubled times.  Who do you think would make the better coach of Collingwood – Mick the Maltster or Captain Brownlow a.k.a. Fig Jam?  Give reasons.  Please declare your allegiance so any malicious returns can be evaluated on their merit.

How can you tell if your Garuda flight has landed at Essendon instead of Tullamarine?  The whining continues after the jet engines have been shut down.  The latest from Whingy Hill is that they’re not getting enough Blockbusters and now want to grab the traditional Season Pipeopener from Richmond.  You’ve got to hand it to The Scum, they’re not backward in coming forward are they?  They’ve been a basket case for the last ½ decade and have done little since their 2000 Glory Year.  Yet these Born To Rule Bombers feel they should have the game to which The Tigers regularly draw crowds of over 80,000.  They are having a laugh aren’t they?

But what’s this?  The whining is set to continue after they shut down the jet engines at Tullamarine now.  The Ayatollah has pledged to build the New Whingy Hill amongst the dark Satanic fields of Melbourne’s International Airport.  But wait, there’s steak knives; steak knives to run across the throats of those who put their bodies on the line week in week out.  The Ayatollah, in the fine print, has said the collective bargaining agreement with the Players had to be finalized before any funds could be allocated to Essendon for its facility.  Another test for the moral compass of the Whingy Hill administration?  We don’t know about you, but we went straight down to CentreBet and took a position that they would sell their Playing Group for the traditional 30 pieces of silver.  We were amongst the first through the door and got a generous $1.01 before our caring investment advisor slammed the bag.  We grabbed as much as we could get at that.  (Bet they haven’t got that one pinned up on the locker room wall – Ed)

Bill Shorten, Malcolm Turnbull and Cadel Evans are all making a bid for the lead.  After last night’s performance our money’s on Malcolm.

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see who’s going to be a has been after Round XVIII.

The Feeling Faints v The Pride of South Australia on the Shifting Sands of Docklands to open proceedings.  The Saints lose the improving Gwilt with a knee and The Chardonnays lose Jaensch with a shoulder.  The Sainters have strung three together since the bye and can sniff the September/October air.  The Mighty Adelaide Crows had The Gliders on toast last week and dropped their guard after their Spiritual Leader had to be subbed off.  We’re going for the Junction Oval Seagulls because they’re at home and their opponents are all over the shop at the moment.  Make no mistake, they can play the game, that’s why the $1.11 on offer looks a bit miserable.  We’ll be keeping our hands in your pocket here, but taking The Homeside in the canteen tipping competition.

The Shinboners v The Boys From Old Fitzroy under cover for a Saturday Arvo match at the traditional time.  With ex-Preshil Parakeets ruckman Todd Goldstein dominating the rucks and Jack Ziebell hitting his straps, it’s hard to see The Brownless Brissy troubling The Kangas.  The $1.10 looks fair value too.

The Tinseltowners v The Sons of The West on Saturday on the Other Cricket Ground at the traditional time.   The Bloods haemorrhaged last week and let The Dockers Send Them Down Below.  The Doggies are also OTR, and have their season on the line here.  With crap percentage, a coach under siege and an inconsistent Playing Group they don’t look all that inviting for cautious investors.  They daren’t drop this one.  True, Robert Murphy’s carrying the oranges, but we’re tipping Bulldog Barry will have something to show his old teammates and The Boys of The Bulldog Breed Will Come Out Snarling.  The Tricolours, and at $2.50 they’re The Wrap Roughie of The Round.

The Sunbeams v The Reigning Premiers up at The Metricon tomorrow night.  We know The Metermaids are coming off a famous Victory, but every victory is a Famous Victory for them.  Put down the glasses and start making your way to the ring to collect on the shortest thing since Toulouse Lautrec painted the mademoiselles at The Red Mill.  Carringbush.

The Marshmallows v The Miseries at People’s Ground for the Saturday night Channel Rove match.  The Dons have been winning well since they jumped The Handbags three rounds back.  However, come from behind wins against the out-of-sorts Tigers & Crows, as massive as the turnarounds were, should be kept in perspective.  They’re still without their Skipper and they’ve lost Hocking to soreness.  The Rattzbaggers are coming off a couple of losses, albeit against sides that will be challenging for the Double Chance.  If The Bombers are to have any September/October cred they’re going to have to win this one.  Without Mrs Watson’s Little Boy we don’t think they can.  Sure they’ve blitzed their opponents in the 2^nd half over the last fortnight, but with Fast Eddie & Gartlett feeding off the Kreuzer, and the classy Silvertail midfield controlling the clearances they’re not going to be able to flip Carlton onto their back as easily as they did The Crows & The Tigers.  The Bombers have some firepower up forward, and The Blues’ defence is far from the best in The Competition.  It’s always goods value watching these two belt the bejesus out of each other and we’ll be stoking up the mallee roots in The Wrap Loungeroom.  We’re tipping a seesawing affair with The Draw always on, but The Silvertails look just that little more accomplished where it counts most.  And you watch maggot Rosebury turn a blind eye to a dozen dubious Judd disposals by hand and give him ½ a dozen Brownlow votes.  The flags will be at full mast along La Via Lygon come Bruchtime Sunday.  Caaaarlton.

The Handbags v The Endangered Species at Ethelred Stadium for the early one on Sunday.  The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires have dropped two on the trot recently, and it’s arguable they would have made that three if Clark & Brown hadn’t rendered each other unconscious.  The Cats have regained the racehorse Wojcinski and Full Back of The Decade for this all-important clash.  Look, The Tigers play the Handbags pretty well post Gary Ablett Snr. and they would have been told to bring their mouthguards to training this week.  All it needs is for them to put their game together to jump The Moggies. We saw Essendon pick themselves off the floor and outlast The Millionaires three rounds ago.  Can the Tiges do the same?  They need and deserve a Famous Victory, and must be about due to cause The Boilover.  With Jumping Jack and the jPod to shoot it out for the Coleman, The Tiges to outlast The Fast Finishing Tabbies in the Upset of The Round.  And at $7.50 they’re The Wrap Crazy Brave Investment of The Week.

The Fuchsias v The Mayblooms on The Paddock That Grew on Sunday at the traditional time.  Family Values v Traditional Standards.  The Dees struggled up in the tropics against The Tealers last round, and this will have taken a fair bit out of them.  The Hawks on the other hand have come fresh off the bye.  There’s no love lost between these two since Don Scott ripped the Golden Hawk off the Demons Yoke to expose the proposed merger as nothing more than a Longroom takeover.  All Australian full back nominee Gibson v Jack “Angry Pills” Watt will be worth the fare in from Middle Brighton.  Big Buddy’s due for a day out and Osborne & Sheils are always dangerous.  But the one that we’ll be watching is Cyril Riolli playing Robin to Hale’s Batman.  The midfields look even; both know how to play Unsociable Football.  Channel Kerry has it delayed.  If you’re busy moving the last of the autumnal debris from your nature strip onto nextdoor’s you can always tape it and enjoy it over a nice cuppa and some iced poppy seed cake when it stars to get a bit dark.  We feel it’s going to be a beauty.  We’re tipping The Paid Up Proud & Passionate will carry the day, but not without a struggle.

The Barry Crockers v The Coasters over on the western extremity of The Fatal Shore.  The Weagles had a setback to their run at the Top Four last round and will be burning to recover that lost ground.  The Stevedores on the other hand had a Famous Victory up in Leggoland.  The Dockers will miss Hayden and just may find themselves up against an Eddie The Eagle with something to prove.  The Eagles for us here.

This week it’s The Chokers who have the rest.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

With the Ayatollah resembling more the Mad Monk every day, we thought we’d leave you with the words of Malcolm Stevenson Forbes.

It is unfortunate that we can’t buy many business executives for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they’re worth.

And looking into the future of The Metermaids & The West Sydney Inventions, how applicable will this quote of his be?

Anyone who says businessmen deal in facts, not fiction, has never read old five-year projections.

Please note- The Wrap will be taking a short break over the next week or two.