THE PRE WRAP – ROUND XIV

FOR THE PHILOSOPHICAL MARNGROOK FAN

What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  Maggot Central unleashes The Geesch.  In what would have to have been the most Kafkaesque performance ever seen on an oval field with an oval ball, the reaction to the opprobrium of their previous efforts beggared description.  Admittedly, the reaction should have been anticipated.  The new interpretation is that if you’re not facing the ball and you handle the player who is making a run at it, you’re gone. Fair enough too.  But with 60,000 years more experience at Marngrook, it was Expeditious Eddie who quickly latched on to what was going on.  His first victim was Daniel Merrett.  Like any good backman, Daniel had his back to the play as he stood five metres off Expeditious, watching like a cat for the mouse to make its move.  So what does Our Eddie do?  He runs straight at Poor Daniel, who puts his arms up to protect himself.  Expeditious pushes harder and entangles himself in PD’s arms.  Interference off the ball!!!.  The whistle blows.  Luke Darcy gives it his imprimatur.  Eddie of course converts from the goal square free.  Marvellous stuff if he plays for you. (Let’s face it, even if he doesn’t – Ed)

Another of Eddie’s majors came from a piece of football that wouldn’t have been out of place in the A.C Milan penalty box.  It was the reverse of the above manoeuvre.  He leans back into the defender and makes sure he blocks any move to get around him, at the same time making it look like he – the defender – is all over you like a bad suit while you’re trying to move towards the ball.  Try it with your older brother.  Mum will rap the kitchen window with the wooden spoon and blame him every time.  In this case Poor Daniel was again the victim and would have been by then wishing they were back playing in the bush where you can only get away with that sort of thing just the once.

Maggot Watch this round is that old perennial – the throw.  We concede that it helps the game flow, especially if there are going to be an up-grade on the 50m penalties for just about everything and the born-again handling the man interpretation.  It’s not just the in-close flick, some of those movements by hand in open play are all bottom hand.  If you want to slow the game down Andreas, just get Geech to make sure his maggots understand the rules pertaining to the handball.  Last night we gave up counting, but if the change the interpretation in September The Miseries may not be able to adjust in time to forestall a quick exit.

We weren’t paying much attention to Federer’s press conference after Berdych knocked him out of Wimbledon, but it seemed a bit ungracious to us.  But then doesn’t he always when he loses?  And won’t Olde Londinium light up if McAndy can roll Rafael?.  Sort of salve some of the sting from what’s happening in Seth Freaking Afrika.  Of course, he looses and he’s a Sweaty Sock, but that’s just the way of Les Anglaises.  Speaking of The To&Froms, The Punter & The Pup finally fired up and Ryan Harris ran through their batting heroes to drub them in the penultimate dead rubber.  We need to do it in the next game as well to send a message.

But enough of my gabbin.  We’re back to the eight matches this weekend, and there’s some Season Defining Moments in store for several clubs.  So let’s see who’s going to be in the scene after Round XIV?

The Silvertails v The Boys from Old Fitzroy.  (PLAYED)  The final result of this one turned out as expected.  The Gorillas had only two sure avenues to goal and one was seen up in the Coaches’ Box and the other one wasn’t seen at all – certainly not amongst the wife’s & girl friends.  Daniel Rich was on the ground, but he wasn’t seen much either.  But don’t let the score line fool you.  This was not a high-class performance by The Blues.  Eddie Betts always looked dangerous up forward, as did Yarran & Garlett, and The Silvertail midfielders knocked up plenty of possessions, but they looked far from coming until the Roy Boys finally collapsed midway through the Championship Quarter.  BoG was without doubt maggot McInerney.  In a stellar performance that would surely have him as hot favourite for the Harry Beitzel Medal, he dominated this game from his first 50m penalty to his last laying on the ball decision.  SOTG may feel he was not as inconsistent as he could be, however he managed to cruel this game as an even contest and as a spectacle.  The players’ indecision and frustration was a direct result of his masterful maggotry and his file tape is certain to be trotted out in decades to come at Maggot Central as an example of just how to stuff up a good game of Football.  After a game best forgotten, Carlton move on.  They have The Kennel Coughs under cover to close off Round XV in a Top Four play-off, comfortable in the knowledge that they’re there abouts.  The Bad News Bears slink home with their season and future in tatters.  With The Gold Coast Meter Maids due to challenge for SEQ supremacy next season they find themselves seriously undermanned to meet any sort of challenge.  They have The Feeling Faints up under the palm trees for the Saturday night match.

The Mayblooms v The Kennel Coughs on The Big Stage tonight.  In what could well be a dress rehearsal for one of the main games in September, these two late-starters line up at close to full strength.  The Doggies have not been winning the close ones.  The Hawks have.  Everything depends on Roughie.  The coaching staff have been very patient with him, but surely they’ve plonked him down in front of that mirror around at Glenferrie Oval.  If he can make Lake accountable he’ll go a long way to swinging the game Hawthorn’s way.  The other five in the forward set-up are back to their 2008 best.  The back-half are blue collar without winning any awards.  They’ll have to be on their toes for the full 120 minutes against the Footscray forwards who, it must be said, boast some real firepower.  On their night, either team could win this.  We’ve been following the rise & rise of the HFC since they fell in against The Tigers.  We’re not confident, but the break can play strange tricks on form, and we’re betting Roughie’s turned the Johnny Horner.  We’d be more confident with Mal Brown’s young lad running across Bulldog Barry’s leads, but we just have a feeling about this one: The Mustard Pots.  And at $2.25 they are one of the multiple choice WROTR.

The Barry Crockers v The Chokers at Sooby around mid arvo tomorrow.  If you mucked up on Big Red caving in to Big Mining, here’s your chance of recovering some easy money.  $1.14 is as good as it gets.  The Anchormen.

The Mighty Adelaide Crows v The High Flying Bombers at Crow Park tomorrow night.  This is the toughest one in the round.  Tripper Fletcher has excused himself from the bus ride across to the City of Churches and one would be excused from thinking that he’s maybe not taking his testimonial year as seriously as he could.  As seriously as the club that has given him so much opportunity over the years deserves.  Pears is of course out after his close encounter the other day.  The Chardonnays have regained The Dolphin and a degree of Self Belief.  Look, sure The Free Settlers were back on the winning list last weekend, but the Drover’s Dog would have rounded up The Redlegs on that performance.  The Gliders were being shot down by the Hawks until they got the lacker band wound up and started to fly under their own steam. How likely is it that they’ll play the full Four Quarters of Football in the Shadows of Mount Lofty with The Rabid Adelaide Mob baying for their blood is the big question?  Lovett-Murray is playing career best Football, but leading the rebound from the other end, so is Graeme Johncock.  They’re a tipster’s nightmare these two.  We’re still not convinced about Gumbleton, but the Essendon goal sneaks are up there with the best of them, and if Zaharakis, with his deadly boot, can get enough ball it could give them the edge.  Besides the re-start of the season factor, The Dons are due for a win, so we’re making them one of the TWROTR multiple choices for this game.  NB: it is unclear whether we’ll be receiving a Caretaker Coach Report on this match as Downright Lie & Procrastinate are stocktaking over the next few weeks.

The Woodsmen v The Coasters on the Shifting Sands of Docklands on Saturday night.  Are you kidding?  This is the side challenging for the Coveted Timber Trophy v the side challenging for the Minor Premiership.  Carringbush.  And like so many of us who have been thrilled and enthralled by Leon lighting up, we wish him well for what must be getting close to his last chance.  And it should be said here, that a stellar performance for the Carringbush forward six won’t do the forward coach’s standing any harm around at the Lexus Centre either.

The Corio Kittens v The Kangaroos at The Cattery for the early one on Sunday.  Out for The Moggies are the man who defended himself and his loyal teammate as well as CHB Taylor.  In come the Coach’s go to man, the half-handy Joel Corey and the somnambulist Kelly.  They’ve got talent to burn down there at Kardinia Park. The Roos are in with a chance, but then so has a slater in a cabbage patch – until they let the chooks out.  It’s The Greatest Team Of All unanimously from The Wrapcave.  And at $1.13 we can only presume The Bagmen are suffering from mid season fatigue.

Richmond v South Melbourne at THOF on Sunday arvo at the Traditional Time.  at Camp Subiaco for the late one on Sunday.  This will be a big test for The Young Tigers.  They’ve won three of their last four.  Can they make it four of five?  On form they can.  The only question being will they get a bit ahead of themselves?  On the other hand, the question has to be asked, are their opponents watching their season pass before their eyes?  Last weekend Coach Unflappable certainly looked as though he can’t wait to ride off into the sunset.  And who can blame him?  The Bloods looked bloody awful against Collingwood.  SOTG may even venture to go as far as to say he’s lost them.  Which is quite the opposite around at Punt Road.  We’ve said this before already; underestimate the Tigers at your peril.  Remember, it wasn’t that long ago their percentage was 41%; it’s now 71%.  If your penny dreadfuls were showing those sorts of profit up-grades you’d be around at Hamilton’s tyre kicking the latest Carrera.  Not that this won’t be without its challenges, and the implications for their run at the Coveted Sylvan Shield have been taken into account, but The Wasps are one of TWROTR multiple choices for Round XIV.

The Junction Oval Seagulls v The Fuchsias under cover for the late one on Sunday.  Now we’re not sure if The Bagmen’s rush of blood is part of a pre-election stimulus package, but at $1.15, The Sainters are too good to be true.  Take out a third mortgage if you have to.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in the Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.