Royal Scoop


Your golf and cycling reports are all very well.  As the highly paid UK stringer for the Daily Beast where is your report on the royal offspring from the steps of St Mary’s Hospital???

We want a name – I guess Wayne and The King are pretty much synonymous for you.  Crio wants weights – anything less than 2kg over WFA and he reckons the colt’s a Timeform certainty on breeding.

Charles, the heir to the Throne, was born in 1948 during the Invincibles Tour.  Now his grandson is born during the tour of our Extremely Vincibles.  Does this mean an Ashes whitewash?

If Keith Miller was having it off with Princess Margaret in 1948, is our Shane en flagrante delicado with Pippa Middleton?  Watson or Warne?  Does this explain his batting slump?  Should we refer his third leg to the third umpire?  We need Hot Spot pictures from our Hawk Eye on the spot in London.

Will Patto be having his back surgery at the same hospital as the royal offspring?

The Queen’s horse won the Ascot Gold Cup in June.  The first Gold Cup in 1807 precipitated the Napoleonic Wars.  Her uncle the 1st Baron Milford won it in 1939 and we got WW2.  What does this year’s win mean for world peace and Flemington in November???

As our man on the spot what does all this mean?  We want answers from our UK stringer.

If you want your expenses reimbursed you will have to do better than scribbles on the back of soggy beer coasters.

Please file by COB today, or your return visa will be cancelled and you will be sent to Manus Island with all the other refugees who can’t bowl leg spin.

The Editors.


  1. The royal baby – a bigger yawn than Liverpool playing Victory.

  2. Who’s Pippa Middletown? And who does/did she play for? i’ve googled the opal and Sliver Fern teams over the last 20 years and her name doesn’t crop up there.

    What batting slump? We’ve been batting like this for nearly a decade now.

    A name for the Right Royal Brat? It just has to be Kevin or Bruce if he’s going to be King of Oz.

  3. The boy must be named Jai-don.

  4. Call the kid Shane

    Good to see the Windsors have gone with a father-son pick and the kid is already in line for the captaincy of the team later in life.

    Wonder if his Dad,, present at the birth, was at the non striker’s end?

    Lucky Haddin wasn’t the gyno, would have dropped the poor little kid.

    Dips, again, another ignorant, illinformed, self-indulgent and stupid comment from a conservative, parachoial Melbourne member of the peanut gallery. More please!!

    Pip Pip

  5. Dear Peter (and the Almanac editors, dickheads, clowns and peanut gallery),
    After some rigorous internal debate, I have come to the decision that I cannot not bring myself to write about the royal birth. All I will say is “Congrats”.
    Having been raised in an Irish-Catholic household, with a grandfather who was not disappointed when Mountbatten took his final boat cruise, I realise that there is no way that I could provide an impartial report on the royal goings-on here in Britain.
    Suffice to say that I find it outrageous, unusual, medieval and downright repulsive that in this day and age there should be kings, queens, princes, thrones etc. It gets even more ridiculous when one sits down and considers that this baby is now third in line to be head of state of Australia (my own sons and grandchildren will never be able to be head of state of their own country).
    Therefore, as a staunch republican, whose only comments about the circus we have all been witnessing would have bordered on the vitriolic and Doyle-esque, on this issue I will keep my powder dry.
    Viva la république;
    Your Almanac Non-Royal Correspondent

  6. Smokie,
    This is outrageous. What with Dips’ disloyalty, it seems the Fenians are taking over these pages.
    MI5 will be around shortly to confiscate your passport and have you deported. Alternately they will make you sit through all 5 days at Old Trafford – sober.
    I have arranged for David Flint from Australians for a Constitutional Monarchy to come around and give you a good flogging on your return home. He says he would be happy to – if you promise to reciprocate.
    Baron Peter Louis Alycious Battenburg of Subiaco
    Royal West Coast Eagles Division of Her Majesty’s Fusiliers

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