Powerboy’s 2017 Grand Final week sit-reps from behind enemy lines.




Sat, 23 Sep 2017 20.09 AEST


Powerboy’s report from the battlements.


Well fought, foot soldiers of the mighty Richmond army!

I look forward to the order that you can “stand down” and celebrate victory after next week’s final battle.

I fear my rather obvious self-interest may shine through my prose, but I had no skin in your game and saw no benefit in praising individuals other than long suffering, true believers like ourselves. The week ahead really is going to be hell for the likes of Boy, P., trapped behind enemy lines within the city limits of your next foe, Adelaide.

Congratulations to the Richmond football club and commiserations to the fine young men and the fans and supporters of the Greater Western Sydney F.C. It was a great match!

All is gloom in the Boy family domicile!

Patriarch, and captain of the good ship SS Perseverance, Boy, P. (C) has sought calm moorings safely within the shadows of the Fort Largs barricades. From this position upon the Port Adelaide peninsula he surveys a media landscape devoid of sustenance and joy in the very near future.

Boy, P. (C) reports that, after careful considerations of the imminent media onslaught about to assail his vessel, and good self, the scuppers have been cleared, the storm anchor deployed and the hatches have been battened down. This crew intends to endure no enemy propaganda!

It is well renowned within the Boy family’s small community that all members will be in an incommunicado state for the week ahead and radio silence has already descended without need for further orders.

The captain’s companion, and first mate, Girl, P. (V.C.) has toiled long in the galley and stockpiled much victuals and beverage for the wait ahead. The family pet, Dog, P. has been confined to the magpie’s nest at the top of the mast to detect early warnings of intrusion. Able seamen, Boy, Jr, major and minor, have been assigned intelligence tasks commensurate with their cunning and derring-do.

The expected incoming barrage of Crows related “human interest” stories, WAG’s puff pieces, medical prognostications, tactical analysis and sheer beat-ups are of no concern to Boy, P (C). They will be deflected whilst still mere blips upon his fine ship’s radar. Captain Boy has weathered far worse blitzes of media humbug and journalistic dross and is confident that salvation awaits at the conclusion of the season’s denouement on Saturday night.

Electronic transmission and reception will resume at 2.00 pm in time for the telecast. The Boy family will quietly assemble behind shuttered portholes and view with apprehension. Having successfully navigated a week of obstacles in an enemy sea of mono culture, the entire faithful of the Port Adelaide Football Club will do so in similar circumstance across the sprawling suburbs of the metropolis of churches.

The good family Boy take solace and comfort from the knowledge and understanding that the vast majority of fellow Aussie rules fans will also join them in their vigil as the grand final unfolds.

Whether they do so for reasons of allegiance, sentiment, romance or mere sporting enjoyment, it is understood that small thought will surely be given to the true victims of the Adelaide Football Club’s rampage through the 2017 season – Port Power and their true believers!

We, the Boy family and members of the PAFC and the Power army and all other South Australian Crow foes, can only express our gratitude in advance for these small thoughts, silent prayers and tender mercies. House prices will surely fall as hundreds, possibly thousands, of aged Crows disciples see that fast fading death-wish finally fulfilled and their bed times are met, by all involved, with happiness for the first time in years. Much humour will abound as multitudes seek to emulate Tex’s Clarke Gable moustache or Eddie’s goofiness.

Vindication and relief await! Our certitude is righteous! The emotional pain and footy grief about to be visited upon our friends and neighbours is to be understood as “collateral damage”. The alternative is unconscionable. To exist for an entire off-season as our nemesis and mortal foes, the Adelaide Crows, celebrate a premiership and set siege to Power strongholds with further relentless agit-prop and psych-ops, intended to steal the hearts and minds of our kith and kin, can be neither countenanced nor contemplated.

We will survive and prosper should the fearsome Crows prevail next Saturday.

We will endure this week of ignominy as the AFC saturate the psyche of an entire state.

We will suffer stoically as a deserved premiership is celebrated, calm in the knowledge that the culture and confidence engendered by a club with more than 100 years of toil and glory will stand us, and all of our teams, in good future stead.

That said, we remain confident that the fine and respected Richmond Football Club, personified by their courageous team of warriors, will swoop like avenging angels, sent by the footy gods, to provide comfort and succour to those of us trapped within this turgid miasma of existence known as suburbia in the good burg of Adelaide.


Our spies in the Crow’s property room tell us that brown undies have been stockpiled at West Lakes in case of the “Tiger contingency”. This alone is cause for celebration.


We will be with you in spirit and voice next Saturday.




Thurs, 28 September 2017 04.00 AEST

Sit-Rep from Powerboy behind Crow’s lines.

Beige camouflage fatigues are now de rigueur.

All protective measures are intact.

Three “Game of Thrones” box sets left to watch, “Breaking Bad” is next. “Deadwood” is compulsory daily viewing throughout this blackout purely to memorise useful epithets. Powergirl’s choice, “Broad City”, was most edifying and warrants recommendation.

Grumblings amongst the crew due to a shortage of peanut butter – Nutella has failed to quell disquiet.

Intel reports that the daily community newsletter (The Ragvertiser) is splattered with the headline;




and wrapped in a souvenir poster and with a full page profile on each player. A nodding Eddie Betts dashboard doll is available with the five tokens collected this week.  A free Tex Walker moustache comes with the next edition.

Commercial TV newsreaders are wearing Crow’s jumpers! Weathergirls with red, blue and gold hair!

Commercial radio station vehicles prowl the streets ready to assail pedestrians with Crow’s landfill disguised as merch.

Our operatives report that traffic spikes have been deployed along the Western Highway from Bordertown to Horsham in a bid to sabotage Crow supply lines and hamper crucial moral support on the battlefield.

Power trade rumours have been fully amplified to include whatever available star player is credible.

Game day plans approved and afoot.

Will hold out as long as possible.




‘The state needs it’: Crows tasked with putting South Australia back on map


Fri 29 September 2017 14.17 AEST

Sit-Rep from Powerboy behind Crow’s lines.

At T minus 24 hours, the Boy family have endured the last week and emerged with minimal fractious abrasions caused from within their ranks.

There has been even less loss of morale and fortitude. They, and their fellow brethren united beneath the mighty Power lightning bolt, remain staunch and proud.

The family Boy maintain enduring hope that the fine embodiment of the proud Richmond Football Club is fully prepared to lay waste to the hopes and dreams of the Crow hordes upon the battlements of the MCG tomorrow.

The preceding days have taken their toll upon those in the ranks.

Boy, Jr. (minor) was compromised severely when his cover, as Jasper Jonquil, was blown early in the campaign. It seems his hyperventilating on various media forums became so hysterical that his attempts at counter propaganda came across as very real. Others started to believe his effusive and deranged support for all things Crow. We underestimated the average Crow fan’s fervor, pliable mind and willingness to apply critical thought to deranged ranting.

He has been relieved of his duties and has been confined to the cabin of mirrors for a good hard look at himself.

This morning, our remaining intelligence operative, Boy, Jr. (major), gained access to the local propaganda dissemination hub (newsagent) and deftly purloined several issues of the community newsletter known as The Ragvertiser. Herr Murdoch has whipped his zombie hordes into a frenzied Crowmania this very day and enemy morale is fever pitched. This Pravda is compulsory bedside reading if the Boy family is to remain abreast of enemy movements and groupthink.

It also came with free Tex Walker moustaches which will prove invaluable disguise for necessary incursions into hostile territory. Dog, P. in particular, looks like he was always a schnauzer, despite his noble labradoodle pedigree.

This coming midnight, the Boy family will go ashore from the serene moorings and safety of the S.S. Perseverance and navigate incognito, with aforementioned moustaches in situ, the perilous underground railway to the PAFC to attend the address from our general, Koch, D., and to supplicate before our spiritual leader, Saint Ken of Oath.

Recent rumours of Saint Ken’s possible defection to another denomination were proven to be exactly that – rumours.

This dark eve, Hinkley, K. (St.) will seek ecumenical union with all fifteen other non-combatant clubs and seek favour with the footy gods to answer their combined prayers and smite the Crow foe.

As he does so, sniggers will emanate from the ranks of the teens and the profane as they nudge and wink asunder at the similarity of this phrase to a homonym associated with female parents and the act of conjugation.

“Indeed!” General Koch has intoned vociferously “We are a pack of CroFo’s!”

Vice-captain, Girl, P., has alternate pagan idols and has requisitioned all nodding Eddie Betts dashboard dolls, free with 5 Pravda tokens, for utilization as voodoo utensils. Her sharp pins are concentrated on preventing future father-son possibilities and hampering full rotation of both hip and knee joints. Smaller targets, above the shoulders, were discussed and dismissed as too small in area, both literally and figuratively, to aim at.

Captain Boy again sends his most urgent entreaty to all footy fans and neutral observers of tomorrows Grand Final. Do not fail to reflect upon the very real victims of the Crow’s rampage through season 2017.

Should the Tigers fail to win tomorrow, their pain will be but brief when compared to the generational scars that will be inflicted upon the Port Adelaide FC by the darkness that will descend when the heathen hordes of fruit-loops claim the grail of salvation.

They will throw premiership glory into the tear-stained faces of saddened Power kiddies across this fine state. Please, do not forget your valiant allies huddled in fear of a murder of Crows!

Come to our rescue, oh mighty Tiger army and smite this very real and dire threat to our future existence and happiness!

Powerboy will continue to keep all confederates appraised of the situation via this forum.


Richmond end 37-year wait with AFL grand final win over Adelaide

Sat, September 30, 2017 – 17.17 pm AEST.


Sit-Rep from Powerboy behind Crow’s lines.


Rejoice and jubilate oh mighty Tiger army of salvation!


My heart and football soul beats with uncontrollable euphoria for the likes of the true Richmond believers!


I await, with anxious trepidation, for reports from my brave confederates of acts of debauchery and impropriety committed amid the rapturous, funky glow which descended upon them with realization of their life long dreams and heartfelt hopes.


Celebrate and exalt with deserved pride and delight, soldiers!


Victory and glory has been snatched from the grim portals of humility and ignominy!


Revel in the glow of satisfaction that your status and reputation has been restored amongst your sneering Victorian club rivals!




Powerboy reports that the day has been long and arduous. Hard yards were gained after a dawn of fear and dread.


The Crow’s hole shot from barrier one was as expected as it was sudden.


Early acts of bravado from Sloane, R. and Betts, E. saw observers nodding sagely at the likely outcome of such continued cameos. Martin, D. (BM, NSM) had been unsighted, his stiff arm limp, his don’t-argue argued, his insouciance diminished. Heroics and leadership were required of Captain Cotchin (BM) and was produced accordingly in word and in deed.


Belief and yearning swelled in the hearts and minds of the Richmond warriors. Lesser ranks stepped up to the parapet and returned fire with aplomb. Bayonets were fixed with disregard for consequence and combat of the hand-to-hand variety had already been snoot cocked.


The Crow’s resolve had wilted, Ranger Walker (Capt.) was bereft of inspiration and the brothers in arms, Crouch, B. and Crouch, M., were not crouching Tigers but merely diminished dragons.


Early in the last stanza, an eerie calm settled over the MCG and the Boy family fortifications upon the S.S. Perseverance. The realization dawned that the future pride of both the Richmond and the Port Adelaide Football Clubs was assured.


Power fans could soon again stroll the streets of Adelaide with impunity whilst clad in teal, they could smugly smirk whilst on that stroll and breezily guffaw at any and all derision of their fashion risks.


It was an emotional moment.


Powergirl (V.C.) donned her matching teal spandex boob tube and hot pants, adjusted her lightning bolt cape and mounted the prow in a provocative manner. Powerboy was tumescent with desire!


Vindication and validation was celebrated as the grail was presented, Martin, D. (BM, NSM) was decorated for his gallant heroics and coach Hardwick was eulogized for his strategic genius and rat cunning developed whilst toiling as a Power foot soldier during their successful campaign of 2004.


Pandemonium has broken out in the streets of Port Adelaide and the LeFevre peninsula. The bawdy Monkey House in Exeter is a temple of fervent celebration and both Peterhead and Birkenhead have lost their heads!


Power fans have a premiership to truly savior and the hostelries, bordellos and tattoo parlors of the beautiful Port are surely the most welcome of sanctuaries for all Richmond and Tiger fans for the coming months.


You have our most humble, abject and profound gratitude and respect. Well done!


Powerboy would like to reluctantly proffer his most abject congratulations and commiserations to the players, supporters and members of the Adelaide Football Club.


The courageous and dignified example set, both on and off the field today, was cause for reflection upon the illustrious history and heritage that your club is steadfastly constructing for future generations of Crows kiddies to relish and relate. You have much to celebrate and your performance throughout the 2017 season was to be admired and feared, particularly by your fellow aspirants across town.


The Power faithful understand and acknowledge your pain and footy grief. We too have felt that pain, have cried those tears and have suffered those same slings and arrows of defeat.


Your fellow South Australian footy fans salute you and will take these facts into consideration when comment or remark is made. These will come and your forbearance will be admired.


Powerboy would also like to pause and comment upon the feedback he has received from his fellow footy fanatics at this forum. Powerboy writes as any club tragic might, no matter the banner or the colours of that club.


When it comes to any contest on an AFL paddock, all true footy tragics will gravitate towards self-interest and cheer according to the best result for their own club. The 2017 finals series was very much about the PAFC from Powerboy’s perspective.


The rivalry between the two Adelaide clubs is very much a microcosm of the generational dilemma that will stay with the league for the next century. Foundation clubs will always be compared to franchise entities and much enmity will be expressed as the old existential football arguments unfold. Be it old vs. new, Victorian vs. Interstate, suburb vs. suburb or generation vs. generation the greatest understanding of these debates is that the club, owned and operated by members, is the most important allegiance of all.


Power fans take enormous pride and joy from their century old heritage and the antagonistic stance of the fans of the other SANFL clubs.


Power faithful care not of interstate ignorance or derision. The most important consideration for the Port Adelaide fan is that very respect and regard of other South Australians. Crows fans fiercely rejoice in their opportunity to represent that very same heritage and antagonism and continue to express that cultural hatred on the field of battle.


It is a great misfortune, and sad indictment of overarching AFL financial constraints, that the two Showdowns, and the two W.A. Derbies, are not broadcast free-to-air in other Australian states. These four games, in particular, are true celebrations of real national Australian rules history. Other examples abound within the league. The fact that Victoria is the only Aussie rules state where ANZAC day is celebrated with an AFL match, on that very day, is a cause for much personal grief and anguish for Powerboy and his large extended family of many generations. I am sure that Victorians resent the exclusive status two clubs enjoy on this day as much as every other fan.


Powerboy, and his good companion Powergirl, will now step down from their stations and ambulate with happiness to the good Lord of Exmouth in Exeter, replete with monkeys (do some homework), and imbibe some of the beverage that they consider to be as mother’s milk, Southwark Bitter.


Powerboy’s natural Irish heritage will bristle at the Anglo-centric names of all surrounding landmarks and acknowledge this emotion’s contribution to his fierce mistrust and regard for his fellow burgers in this little antipodean piece of England known as Adelaide.


Powerboy will continue to keep all confederates appraised of the situation via this forum.

Over. And out.


  1. That’s some Almanac debut! Welcome. You could be a big player in Almanac matters this coming season. My crystal ball says Port are looking very good.

  2. Punxsa-and-the-rest-of-it Pete says

    Enjoyed the read Powerboy. Hope you keep referring to yourself in the third person goin forward. And keep needling them bloody Crows too! The knackery thrives on a good dose of Port-Crow needling.

  3. Boy, P. conveys his thanks.
    He also wonders who this third person is and decries the use of needles in sport – apart from voodoo rituals, that is.

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