NackiLeaks Expose’ – John Harms Dream (Extended and Unauthorised Version)


(Embargoed until after Geelong go through season undefeated)

Mr John Harms, the newly appointed Marketing Director of the Competition formerly known as the AFL, took pleasure in announcing today that “a great Australian company in James Hardie Industries will become the League’s major corporate sponsor from 2012 onwards.”  Mr Harms said that Toyota had reluctantly withdrawn their sponsorship of Australian football to concentrate on rebuilding Japanese baseball through their ownership of the Fukushima Reactors and the Honshu Waves.

Mr Harms said that Hardies wanted to give back to the whole Australian community to make up for the unfortunate shortfall in the Asbestos Compensation Fund.  “It is a national tragedy that Hardies have been forced offshore by punitive tax laws in Australia,” Mr Harms said.  “However this is an extraordinary opportunity to expand the boundaries of Australian Football internationally.  Australia has had a long and proud rivalry with the West Indies in cricket, and Hardie’s sponsorship will create inroads for Australian football in the Caribbean through their International Headquarters in the Dutch Antilles.  They have undertaken to create the first purpose-built Australian football facility in the Caribbean at Hardie Plank Park on the island of Curacao.  Premiership teams from Australia, Ireland, the United States and the West Indies will have the first truly international competition for the Plank Plate each October following our Grand Final.”

Mr Harms said that with Hardie’s purchasing major equity in the League, there would be a formal name change to the Hardie Australian Football League (HAFL).  Mr Harms reminded disgruntled commentators and supporters that there was no “L” in the Hardie name.

“We all have to move with the times in the increased professionalistion of international sport.  We all want to see the best teams and the best competition.  The HAFL will be the best competition that money can buy,” Mr Harms reassured observers.

“We have already seen a major vote of confidence in the new HAFL model, with several clubs recently announcing major sponsorship or ownership deals with the corporate sector,” Mr Harms announced proudly.

West Coast Eagles were the first off the rank, with their acquisition by a subsidiary of the giant Sino Steel Corporation.  Now known as the Far Southern Province Eagles, the newly wealthy club will be making a major push for dominance in the 2012 competition.  “They were the only acquisition left in Western Australia that was still worth having,” Sino Steel CEO, Mr Eddie Lee Ming said.

“Richmond have acquired major support from the Packer Empire, previously a bastion of Rugby League,” Mr Harms proudly announced.  Crown Casino will be the Tigers major sponsors in 2012 with their new corporate slogan of “Crown Casino – creating losers everywhere”. “Richmond are a logical fit for us” Mr Packer stated matter-of-factly.

Carlton are a club that has always put a premium on loyalty, and they have always been close to business.  From the tea-graders of a hundred years ago at the time of the AFL’s foundation, to the Cardboard Kings of today, the 2011 runners-up promise to go one better in 2012 with continued support from Visy Corporation.  “The Blues big improvement in 2011 was a major factor in our making Chris Judd the face of our new steel reinforced cardboard range,” Visy CEO Richard Pratt Junior said.  “No longer folds under pressure” is good for our products and good for Chris and the boys,” Mr Pratt echoed proudly.

Collingwood is another club built on tradition and loyalty.  “It will be hard to stay at the top 3 years running,” Eddie Everywhere said in the limited time available with his new role at Sino Steel.  “We had several international airlines bidding for the Collingwood naming rights, but we have decided to stick with Emirates Airlines.  It has been a lucky relationship for both of us, and their new marketing slogan fits with our image. ‘No Virgins Here’ will go well on the side of the team bus,” Eddie chortled.  “We don’t think that St Kilda’s claim for breach of their copyright over our use of the slogan, has a leg to stand on,” he reassured nervous supporters.

St Kilda have reluctantly dropped their legal challenge under pressure from the HAFL.  “It was time for them to turn over a new leaf,” Mr Harms said sternly.  “Past sponsorship by the Rhino Bar and the Peppermint Lounge just doesn’t sit well any more with the HAFL and the community’s view on the role of women in football.  Their 2012 sponsorship with Australian Consolidated Press is much more appropriate,” Pastor Harms intoned.  St Kilda’ new Marketing Director, Molly Meldrum, said that ACP would use individual magazine mastheads a win-win for both the club and its sponsor.  “We plan to start with Dolly magazine.  The under 16 female market is a major growth segment in the Australian economy.  St Kilda plan to have more members in young women than any other club in the HAFL,” Mr Meldrum stated knowingly.

North Melbourne is another club going down the publishing track, through their sponsorship deal with ACP’s major rival – Pacific Magazines.  Macho club President, James Brayshaw said that “the Kangaroos hard men don’t go in for that girly nonsense.  We’ll finish on top of the Saints in 2012 on the playing field and in the board room,” he promised.  “New Idea will be giving Brad Scott a few coaching tips, and Home Beautiful are going to do a feature on the remodelled Arden Street.  Still our major link will be with their celebrity title, Who Weekly.  The Kangaroos need to go upmarket, and drop the tired old Shinboner image,” Mr Brayshaw envisages.  “Who weekly can do that with regular features on our players with celebrities like Megan Gale and Jennifer Hawkins.  We will share a new logo,” Mr Brayshaw promised.  “North Melbourne – Who Cares.”

Melbourne is a club not used to controversy, so Club President Jim Stynes decision to obtain major sponsorship from Irish Distillers has met with concern in several quarters.  Pastor Harms has indicated that the promise of a complimentary bottle of Jamesons Irish Whiskey at the gates for all Demons members who stay to the end of all home games, may contravene the HAFL’s Responsible Drinking Policy.  “What could be more irresponsible than staying sober after watching that,” President Stynes countered.  “The Irish and the Demons have a lot in common.  We both know that life is more about forgetting the Troubles, than remembering the good times.  What better than a wee drop of Jamesons after the game.”  Stynes faces strong opposition not only from the AFL, but also within its own membership.  “There’s no ‘E’ in whisky,” Melbourne breakaway group leader Marcus St John (pronounced Singen) said from his Toorak weekender.  “I happen to know that the club got a perfectly good offer from Johnnie Walker, but Stynes insisted on accepting the rival bid.  It’s all this ‘common man’ tosh with him.  Just because Johnnie Walker only offered a half bottle per member per game, we say its quality not quantity that counts if we want to get the club back to where it was in the 50’s.”

Port Adelaide is a club taking the high road in dealing with its mounting financial burden.  “I’m pleased that the club is taking a moral stance in accepting corporate support from the Salvation Army,” Pastor Harms intoned.  “The Salvos have always been there to support those who have fallen on hard times.  Port’s admitting they have a problem is the first step on their road to recovery,” Pastor Harms said shakily, pushing away the ‘red cordial’ in a jug at the side of his desk.  “Relocating the club’s corporate offices to the Alberton Homeless Men’s Refuge will certainly cut down on overheads and staff costs.  With God on their Side I am sure that the Power can win a few more close ones this year.  The only sticking point will be getting the Dockers to give over their purple jumpers for away games, but I think the HAFL can convince them that the Lord is mightier than the Anchor,” Pastor Harms promised.

Hawthorn have chosen mammon over faith with their new corporate partnership with VicSuper.  In announcing the deal Premier Ted Bailleau said that while he was a Cats supporter, it was crucial to stress bipartisan support for the vital issue of retirement planning.  Speaking alongside Hawks President, Jeff Kennett, Mr Bailleau said “we live in increasingly unpredictable times.  Unplanned retrenchments and early retirement are an increasing fact of life for all Australians.  Footballers can be unexpectedly injured.  Coaches can receive unwelcome news like ‘total and unconditional support’ from the Club President.  Statesmen can be cut down in their prime by the ignorant swill.  All need to provide for their family and their future.  The partnership between Hawthorn and VicSuper will lead the way, in demonstrating how all of should provide for an uncertain future,” Mr Bailleau remarked disconsolately.  Mr Kennett elliptically commented that he “thought the Roosters might struggle to beat the Feather Dusters at their next meeting.”

Gold Coast Suns have turned down a lucrative sponsorship offer from Kimberly-Clark the manufacturers of the well-known Huggies brand.  “It’s just not our demographic,” Club President, John Witheriff said.  “I am pleased to announce that the Suns have been joined by Australia’s largest manufacturer of consumer products, Reckitt Benckiser, in a major corporate sponsorship coup.  The company name may not be familiar, but their products are widely used in every football club and home across Australia,” Mr Witheriff said.  “Harpic and Napisan for post-match reviews; Strepsils and Nurofen for the Head Coach; Mortein for the Defensive Coach; Dettol and Airwick for the Match Committee; and Veet and Vanish for the PR Department when the boys get a bit wild in the night clubs.  Mostly it is the Clearasil for the draft picks. We go through a ton of the stuff every week.  This deal will save us a fortune.”  Mr Witheriff denied that there had been any sponsorship approaches from a major multi-national.  “Gillette did speak to us, but they want the boys to develop a bit before they make any formal overtures,” Mr Witheriff said reassuringly.

Greater Western Sydney said that their recently announced deals with Kimberly-Clark, Kevin Sheedy and Mark Williams did not mean that they were already taking leftovers.  “Huggies is a great brand, and Kevin and Mark are premiership coaches.  The record speaks for itself,” the Club President said.

HAFL Marketing Director, John Harms, said that Geelong, Sydney, Adelaide, Brisbane, Fremantle, Essendon and the Bulldogs were yet to finalise their Corporate Sponsorship for 2012, but that he was sure the Almanac’s extensive corporate network would result in many proposals being received over the coming days.

“As you know, grassroots football has always been close to my heart, and I may have played a small part in this becoming a key objective of the rejuvenated HAFL,” Mr Harms said modestly.  “Many of you know that I have been a supporter of the Gatton Gallopers in the Queensland Fourth Division since boyhood.  My lifelong goal has been for us to achieve win a Fourth Division premiership, and be rewarded with exalted Third Division status in the revamped Queensland HAFL competition.  Despite the strong sponsorship of the Lockyer Valley Potato and Watermelon Pickers Guild this has remained a childhood pipedream, with many years of dashed hopes,” Mr Harms sobbed.

“Today I am thrilled to make the dreams of all Lockyer Valley football supporters one step closer to realisation.  I am pleased to announce that we have stolen a march on Rugby League in Queensland, with the announcement that Patinack Farms will make their first venture into football sponsorship in Queensland via acquisition of the Gatton Gallopers brand.  Hot on the heels of his ownership of the Newcastle Knights, Nathan Tinkler has taken the big step of buying the Gatton Gallopers,” Mr Harms gushed.

“Many of you know that the Gallopers failure to make the finals in the last 37 seasons, has been due in part to repeated forfeits of away games due to the late arrival of the team dray.  Mr Tinkler has assured us that this is a thing of the past.  Now that Makybe Diva and Black Caviar have been demonstrated to be infertile at stud, Mr Tinkler is loaning them to us as team mascots.  For the first time in our proud history, the Gatton Gallopers can be guaranteed to arrive at all their fixtures on the day before they leave to play,” Mr Harms cried straight-jacketedly.


  1. John Butler says


    We may laugh now, but how much of this will actually come to resemble the future?

  2. Thanks JRB.
    “The man who laughs has not yet heard the news” – Berthold Brecht

  3. Mulcaster says

    Theme song for the 2013 season?

    The Editors “An end has a start”

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