Collingwood’s Loss is Australia’s Gain

“My fellow Australians, I speak to you tonight to announce that I will be standing down immediately as Prime Minister of this great country.  Over the past year I have given my all to this country that I love so much, and that has given me so much.

But I have to acknowledge that the close election and narrow parliamentary majority of the past year have taken a toll on my spirit and my ability to continue to serve the nation with the commitment and energy that it deserves.  This country needs a Prime Minister who has been forged in the hottest fires of battle.  A person with the leadership and strength of character to face down the negative forces that would divide us.

It is for these reasons that I take great pleasure in introducing Mr Michael Malthouse as my successor as Leader of the Australian Labor Party and Prime Minister of Australia.  As you know Mr Malthouse was tonight dismissed as Collingwood coach by Mr Eddie Maguire following their unfortunate performance against the Cats.  Collingwood’s loss is the nation’s gain.

The Labor caucus had just met and unanimously endorsed Mr Malthouse to lead us forward.  Mr Malthouse and I have met with the Independents – Mr Windsor, Mr Oakeshott and Mr Wilkie – they have all given Mick their unreserved support.  In fact the other Independent, Mr Katter has also come on board and says that “although I am a rugby league man I can only support a great Australian with whiter hair than me.”

Mr Malthouse has committed to introducing the forward press asAustralia’s future defence against people smugglers and boat people. Australia’s threat from the Asian Economic Tigers will be easily repulsed by a man who grew up in the 1970’s heyday of the great Richmond Tigers.  The terrorist threat from the Muslim East will be as easily repulsed as that from the Eagle West.

Tony Abbott will be child’s play compared to Chris Scott and Alistair Clarkson.  When it comes to internal ‘rats in the ranks’ Bill Shorten and Mark Arbib have nothing on Eddie and Figjam.

For my part I am pleased to welcome Mr David Smorgon to the podium to announce that I will be returning to my spiritual roots in the Western Suburbs of Melbourne, to take on the job as Senior Coach of my beloved Western Bulldogs.  Football coaching is increasingly a leadership role amid a team of experts and I am confident that like Mr Sheedy and Mr Hird I can be the uniting figurehead of a strong leadership group.

I will be ably supported by Mr Leon Cameron; Mr Barry Hall and Mr John Brumby in Assistant Coaching Roles.  Mr Kevin Rudd will take charge of overseas recruiting and my partner Tim will be our Head Runner.

I believe that these changes will reunite the Australian nation and reinforce our role as a leader in the Asia Pacific region under Mr Malthouse’s leadership.  The Western Bulldogs will be returned to their position as brave, strong finals competitors in the Australian Football League.  A win forAustraliaand the Bulldogs – a loss for Collingwood – what more could Australians ask for?

Most importantly of all, Australians will be united in welcoming the downfall of both the Gaddafi and Maguire regimes in the same week.  The world will be a better place with Eddie, Figjam and Muammar all consigned to the dustbin of history.

As Mick once famously commented “the Earth is slowly warming but the Ox is patiently waiting for a Demons premiership”.  That’s easier to understand than a carbon tax.

Goodnight and good luck over the next 4 weeks to all true Australian football fans (Liberals and Magpies excepted).


  1. Marvin not only have you picked the right man to lead Australia but one who will ensure that the ox (not David Schwartz) will be free to roam the streets of Collingwood eating evrything in sight!

  2. Mr B

    Thank you for a highly entertaining and reprobatively (if there is such a word, and if not, well damn it, there is now) incisive article on what are current political frustrations. Sport and politics are ever entwined. Hell, even Keating had to don the footy scarf. But you have found a better use for the scarf. You have used it as a whip, handcuffs and metaphor. Congratulations.

    There were two moments when my left eyebrow raised, if I may. You suggest that, “Mr Kevin Rudd will take charge of overseas recruiting” which may show a young players lack of understanding of the relationship between the two biggest divas in the ALP or a more cunning wit than I can imagine. A scallywag wink will suffice to explain.

    The second moment was in considering the ramifications of PM Mick. Sure, nothing could be worse than Abbott, but Mick? That’s not black humour, that’s verging on black and white humour. Are you trying to get under the Pies skin in preparation for next week’s game? If so, I like the cut of your jib. If not … Mick for PM?

  3. All of the above.
    I have no idea of Mick’s politics, just his outstanding leadership credentials. He was very Green on preserving the SW forests when he was in WA, but I am not aware of any other policy statements. But I am sure he would be a ‘no bullshit’ PM – unlike all the current candidates from the political process.
    I meant to say that following successful AFL forays into Ireland and the South Pacific, KRudd would be charged with looking for talent in the Middle East (Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya).

  4. If K Rudd were coach, would he see the need for any players, PB?

  5. JTH – there are always mercenaries who will fight for anyone for a price. Think of Gaddafi and Sheedy – I could see Kevin in epaulettes at GWS!
    I have been thinking about other options for Mick’s ‘Gap Year’. I just can’t see him in the commentary box smiling politely at Bruce and Tom’s inanities. There has been a retirement at the Head of Australia’s military. That seems an ideal bit of succession planning. Mick led the Magpie Tank Battalion brilliantly on Friday night. I am sure he has read Clausewitz, Sun Tzu and Rommel.
    The Silver Fox as a successor to the Desert Fox perhaps?? He is a readymade replacement for Angus Houston.

  6. PB

    I know for a fact Mick has intimate knowledge of Sun Tzu

  7. I suppose we could do a lot worse than have Mick Malthouse as PM, but I’m not sure how the Chinese would take him.


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