Bucks and Eddie’s Bones

I can’t elaborate too much on this obviously but let me just say that I was privy to some of the discussions leading up to yesterday’s decision. Eddie and Bucks have been personal acquaintances of mine since back in 2003 and the days of my mustard yellow Sigma, (the “Yellow Peril”), its broken indicator, and the giant inflatable Collingwood hand I was using as a substitute whenever I needed to turn right, which was surprisingly often. One Tuesday morning I was trundling down Toorak Rd in the Yellow Peril when I saw the noble pair having a latte no doubt discussing strategy, Didak, how to one day bone Mick, etc. I employed the horn and inflatable hand to rousing effect and they looked up from their lattes and seemed pretty happy to see me, pointing and expressing merriment and what not. Of course traffic on Toorak Rd being what it is I was prevented from trundling away over the hill as the cinematic moment demanded. I sat there tapping the steering wheel and looking casually at the traffic but every time I looked right there were Eddie and Bucks still grinning and occasionally raising lattes in my direction. Then a car pulled out from its car spot just in front of the Yellow Peril and I knew that all the great Collingwood heroes gone to the long hereafter had interceded on my behalf to provide for me this parking opportunity and latte date with Eddie and Bucks. So I pulled into this divinely ordained car space and walked over to the café not even bothering to affix my Club Lock or take out the car radio, as I was wont to do in Brunswick West. And so we’ve been in some oblique acquaintance ever since, especially with Eddie who is certainly the more effusive of the pair and often taps me via text or snapchat for some wisdom of strategy or dog tips, whatever his most pressing need may be at the time. I can lay claim to the provenance of Mick’s famous 2010 “box formation” (sic) of the Roman legion, but was most distressed that he continued to describe it thus, encouraging Eddie to have him name it with deserved accuracy as the Legio Comitatensis and he did say that he would have a word to Mick about it.

Anyway Eddie called me up a few weeks back and he was little stressed, almost rattled. He asked me: “What are we gonna do about Bucks? When should we bone him? I reckon it should be next week.” I sighed. So we were going to have this discussion again. I went into my usual reply of how Pompey, Crassus, the senate, the aediles, the quaestors, the tribunes, basically everyone wanted to bone Caesar in the 70s and 60s. They even wanted to bone him in the 50s. But if they had boned him, then he would never have boned Gaul. And then he went and boned Pompey, Crassus got himself boned in Parthia, and then Caesar boned the senate before he was finally himself boned by everyone on the Ides of March. “I still think we gotta bone him” said Eddie. “No-one’s going to bone anybody,” I reasoned calmly and shrewdly. And then something of a trance came upon me, like the divine rush of Daicos in the pocket, and I took a long breath and spoke:

No man is an island, entire of itself.

Each is a piece of Collingwood, a part of the main.

If a man be cast down by the bone, the club is the less.

As well as if Gubby Allen were.

As well as if Derek Hine’s own Or of Gary Pert.

Each bone diminishes thee, For thou art the bone of the Pies.

Therefore, send not to know

For whom the bone tolls,

It tolls for Eddie.

There was silence on the other end of the line. There was silence for a long time. “Okay, okay, okay” he said at last. “But what if we lose to Melbourne?”

“Bone him” I replied.



  1. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Commander Daicos, Nicely written.
    This has all the hallmarks of the last days of Rome meeting Monty Python. The black and white legion has vacated a number of seats in the Coliseum. If we don’t make finals in 2018 there will be much boning and gnashing of the teeth.
    Emperor Edward and his crack suicide squad are preparing for the last stand. Underground bunkers are being built at the Holden Centre, Vic Park and Toorak as we speak.

  2. Imperator, this is bloody brilliant.
    Loved it.

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