Brendon’s Black Capped Imposter’s Set to Get Smashed by a Bunch of Sporran-Wearing South African Scots in Downtown Dunedin Before Dark

The mighty Scotland side is set to shock the world in the South Island slum of Dunedin tomorrow, as the squad full of South Africans, Poms and Pakistani’s holding Hibernian passports backs up from an evening on the Speights in the Octagon, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and ready to bash Boult all over the park and make mincemeat of the McCullum’s.

The caber-wielding Celts are captained by a bloke named Preston Mommsen who proudly bears the title of Edinburgh’s own KP. Like the blackguard who claimed that Brisbane was boring (what a bloody bandicoot), Mommsen couldn’t make the rep side in his Boer country of birth, so shot off over to the Mother Land to have a crack at the crocks in English county cricket. Unfortunately he failed to acclimatise and got dropped from 2nd grade at Kent, but undeterred Preston headed north, leaping Hadrian’s Wall in a single bound and settling in the Jambo land of Irvine Welsh’s schemes and slums in Edinburgh.

The cold weather there must have agreed with the Afrikaner’s speaking everyman, because before you could say Kryptonite he’s knocked up a ton against Namibia and suddenly he was the Superman of Scottish cricket. Mommsen followed up with a fine 139 against Honkers on the time-honoured Scottish Events Centre turf pitch, but his team let him down and they got soused by seventeen in the inaptly named A List World Cup qualifier. Undeterred by the drubbing, captain courageous kicked back by pummeling the mighty PNG for 94 at the Lincoln (pop. 4460) oval just outside of Christchurch, before knocking the Namibians for a half-ton off 81 fireballs on the earthquake capital’s hallowed Hagley Oval. Mommsen then masterminded the massacre of the mighty UAE in the final qualifier, and now here he is, ready to lead the Jocks as they prepare to shock and amaze the world today in Otago.

Mommsen is supported by a talented line-up of willow wielders extraordinaire, including his vice-captain Kyle Coetzer. With a surname like that he Coetzer could be well be playing lock for the Golden Lions, but the bloke’s a gun with the grey-nick who a couple of years ago carted the quicks of Afghanistan for 133 in a cracking performance on a bomb-shelled deck. He doesn’t mind rolling the arm over either, but in his quiet moments probably wishes that it was his batting average that was 145 rather career with the Kookaburra in hand.

The paisley-clad pair are ably backed by batsmen such as Richie Berrington from Pretoria, who pummelled the Irish for a ton on a green wicket last year; Freddie Coleman, who knocked the knocked the Nepalese for a nifty 65 in the same year; Keeper Matty Cross who a few years ago cracked Kenya for a firebrand fifty-five and now averages 14; and Hamish Gardiner, who you’d swear was a lad from Leith if you didn’t know he was a Queenslander who went to Churchie but couldn’t bat his way into the Bulls side so scooted off to Scotland and resplendent in the family tartan annihilated the Afghans, dashing ’em for 96 on a dusty deck in Dubai.

But if you think Billy Connelly’s batsman are beauties, then just have a Captain Cook at the sporran-wearers slingers and subtle spinners. Alasdair Evans is a medium-fast quick who averages a tick under 45 at a strike rate of 61 and a half hurling his right-handed rockets over the wicket, and took a terrific career-best 2-34 against a band of rampaging Irishmen in September last year. Josh Davey’s a demon seamer who routed the cricketers from Kabul 5 years ago and showed courage in the process, taking 5 for bloody 9 while the bombs were raining down from the American B-52’s. Majid Haq’s a seaming sniper who over the course of his career has claimed the scalps of KP, Andrew Strauss, and James Taylor, the bloke who sang ‘You’ve got a Friend’ and met Mad Mark Chapman the day before he devastated the world by shooting John Lennon (Taylor heard the fatal 5 gunshots from his flat next door).

Throw in Marvellous Mickey Leask, who ambushed the Apple Islanders and grabbed 3-50 in a Scottish tour game ahead of tomorrow’s match; Wonderful Iain Wardlaw, who’s climbed Everest twice – once up the mountain, the other when he ascended from an accounts clerk in Yorkshire to become an attack-weapon from Ayr; and Speedy Safyaan Sharif, the demon who decked the Dutch when docketing 4-27 on a deck next to a dyke in 2011; and you dead-set have a side for the ages that’s going to destroy the cock-sure Kiwi’s in Dunners upon the dawn.

You heard it here first, and you’d be a mug not to pick off a bit of the $14 available about a stunning Scots win down at the TAB in the Geebung RSL.


About Archie Butterfly

Archie's decided to follow the dream and try become the next great Aussie bush poet. They all think he's mad. He's out to prove them right!


  1. How could they not win.

  2. Archie – you are on fire. You almost had me believing.
    Were you doing Annastacia Palaszczuk’s PR during the election campaign? You could sell ice to eskimoes.

  3. Alllllmost a prescient prediction. Almost.

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