Australian Football – a spy reports

To: Director, International Spy Service
From: Field Agent O’Neill, Field Agent Kelleher
Subject: Australian Football




We have been studying Australian Football undercover for several months now. The ‘elite’ competition is about to begin and this preliminary report will serve as a brief introduction. Please note that there are hundreds of state, regional, local competitions, both professional and amateur.


The elite league is known as the ‘AFL’, though informants have described it as the GAFL, to distinguish it from the DAFL (see below.) It is a continent-wide league with an unusual concentration of ‘clubs’ in the city of Melbourne. The 18 clubs are distinguished by nicknames, mostly animals, birds, mythical objects, and colours, predominantly blue, black, red, white, yellow.


The ‘Eagles’ (blue, yellow) are the reigning champions. The supporters of this club are, of course, bullish as to their chances. Also bullish are those who support the ‘Tigers’ (yellow, black) and the ‘Magpies’ (black, white).


Several clubs are generally thought to have little to no chance of success. These include the ‘Suns’ (red, yellow), the ‘Saints’ (red, black, white), the ‘Blues’ (blue), the ‘Bulldogs’ (red, blue, white), the ‘Kangaroos’ (blue, white), the ‘Dockers’ (allegedly purple, white). Note, some of these clubs are said to be “flakey.”


The ‘Lions’ (blue, maroon) and the ‘Bombers’ (red, black) are said to “on the up” while the ‘Power’ (blue, black, white) seem to be on the down. Traditional champions, the ‘Hawks’ (brown, yellow), the ‘Cats’ (blue, white), the ‘Swans’ (red, white) are also thought to be sliding downhill or “downward trending” as some have reported.


The ‘Demons’ (red, blue) are considered to be “up and comers”, while the Crows (red, blue, yellow) and the Monaros (orange, blackish) are considered to be “thereabouts.”


F/A Kelleher volunteered for an in-depth investigation of the DAFL, the elite women’s competition. He reported that he had made contacts within the DAFL and has not been heard from since.


It is clear that Australian Football exerts a strange fascination over most of the continent. Remarkably, the supporters are more inclined to take out their frustrations on their own club rather than supporters of another. There have been obscure references to chicken faeces and microwave ovens.


Each team has several coaches but only one with a name. All coaches wear a uniform of slacks and polo shirt. Some are said to be “under the pump”, generally associated with one of the ‘little to no chance’ teams. (See above.) It is yet to be ascertained if the pump is used for chicken faeces.


The players, mostly of Aboriginal and European extraction, are much taller and broad shouldered than the average population. Many sport lavish tattoos and are popularly known by a diminutive of their given name. They are credited with qualities such as ‘pressure’, ‘clean hands’ and ‘booming kick.’


The elite competition (AFL, see above) is managed by a powerful and wealthy group of “movers and shakers”, also known as “hustlers and jivers.” Despite their evident success in convincing numerous multinational conglomerates to give them billions of dollars in return for emblazoning the corporate logo on shirts and stadia, they are treated with suspicion by most supporters (also known as ‘fans’, a diminutive of fanatic.)


As this is being written, ‘fans’ of the ‘Tigers’ and the ‘Blues’ are gathering at a stadium known as ‘The G’ for the ‘season opener.’ Supporters will often dress in the colours of their preferred club and some will paint their faces and hair and tattoo their bodies in these colours. Consumption of beer and meat pies is, or appears to be, near obligatory and participation in tribal chants compulsory.


Clearly, further observation and enquiries will be required.


Attached: appendices; photo files; audio files; video files.



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About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.


  1. Earl – Glad to see you have cleaned up your act. You look much better in a coat and tie.

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