Almanac Teams: Hollywood Womens’ FC – The Leading Ladies

Like many Almanackers, I have been enjoying the light-hearted post-footy season discussion regarding ‘funny’ footy teams. Ably led by Phil (Lord Bogan) Dimitriadis, there has been an assortment of amusing teams selected and discussed on this site. In recent days, however, it is has become blindingly obvious to me that what we have yet to see is a female team. Which is surprising, given the Almanac’s support of women’s football at all levels. In support of women’s footy, I hereby seek to right this wrong.


Where to start? Well, in response to Lord Bogan’s Hollywood FC, I thought that Tinseltown might be the easiest place to call “Action”. So, I give you the Hollywood Women’s FC (aka the ‘Leading Ladies’). It is a team loaded with talent, indeed every player is a best and fairest (aka Academy Award) winner. And like all great teams, there is an excellent mix of youth, experience and versatility.


The backline presents as uncompromising; known to be politically vocal off the field of play, Mirren (2006), Sarandon (1995), and Fonda (1971/78) are showing no signs of slowing down. Fonda has proven to be a superstar since being drafted in the late 1960’s under the father/daughter rule, and her mid-career video fitness regime has no doubt prolonged her longevity. More than just a pretty woman, the graceful Roberts (2000) is ever-reliable and Portman (2010) is renowned for her elusive pirouetting out of defence. Frenchwoman Cotillard (2007) possesses swathes of creativity and culture.


The center-line is formidable, with wingers Swank (1999/2004) and Berry (2001) providing plenty of dash, and Aussie Blanchett (2013) – drafted from NIDA – giving 100% whether she is under the bright Friday night lights of the big time or on the training grounds of the MTC. Sadly, Berry is the only coloured player, which is an indictment of the Hollywood system.


The strong half-forward line has an international flavour and is extremely versatile. South African Theron (2003) can play a variety of roles, as can Englishwoman Winslett (2008) who has played in Australia a number of times (Holy Smoke, The Dressmaker). With her hunger for more games, young flanker Lawrence is already a superstar, and astute judges say she is assured of many fine sequels, err seasons, ahead.


The imposing forward line is spearheaded by the player who is widely regarded as the greatest to lace up a boot on the big stage in Streep (1982/2011). The standard of each of her performances is exceptional and has been so since Kramer was a lad; in the pockets, ageless superstar Foster (1988/2011) continues to supply sub-plot after sub-plot, and the hot and cold Witherspoon (2005) can walk the line and deal with the crumbs that the two great ones leave behind.


Turning back time in the ruck is Cher (1987), who is also capable of providing the pre-match entertainment, whilst it is no big little lie that Sydney-sider Kidman (2002) is now a much better player than when in her days of thunder. The up and coming rover Stone (2016) can fly like a birdman, and has many pundits opining that she will go on to be one of the greats.


This team is so strong that stars of the ilk of Lange (1994), Thompson (1992), Field (1979/1984), and the effervescent Keaton (1977) are warming the pine at stage left.


Coach Bigelow (2009) is still the only female to win an academy award for best director.


Note that Gwyneth Paltrow (1998) was ineligible for selection due to the Goop supplement scandal.


Selection was limited to those who are still with us.


B: Helen Mirren (Royals), Jane Fonda (Barbarellas), Natalie Portman (Black Swans).

HB: Julia Roberts (Brief Pelicans), Susan Sarandon (Lorenzo’s Oilers), Marion Cotillard (Contagions).

C: Hillary Swank (Billion Dollar Babies), Cate Blanchett (The Aviators), Halle Berry (Swordfish).

HF: Charlize Theron (Monsters), Kate Winslett (Titanics), Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustlers).

F: Jodie Foster (Taxi Drivers), Meryl Streep (Deer Hunters), Reese Witherspoon (Pleasantville).

INT: Jessica Lange (Sky Blues), Emma Thompson (Harry Potters), Sally Field (Flying Nuns), Diane Keaton (Manhatten).

Coach: Kathryn “Doug” Bigelow (Blue Steel).


Over to you, Almanackers.






About Darren Dawson

Always North.


  1. Surely Sigourney Weaver gets a go?? Alien x 3??

  2. Cat from the Country says

    A delightful read. Thank you

  3. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Jacki Weaver – Animal (Enclosure) Kingdom 2010

    Geena Davis – The (Big Men) Fly 1986

    Beverly D’Angelo – (End of Season) Vegas Vacation 1997

    Susan Sarandon – The (Footy) Player 1992

    Kate Winslet also did alright as a footy spectator in The Dressmaker 2015

  4. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Superb stuff Smokie. Welcome to the Footy Almanac Teamsters Union (FATU).
    Wonderful team and excellent movie/team name links.
    Would include:
    Lana Turner (The Postmen) Can deliver from a wing.
    Uma Thurman (Cats and Dogs) – Would start Uma in the ruck.
    Elizabeth Taylor (Cleopatras) – Ruck-Rover

  5. Jennifer Muirden says

    Smokie, Smokie, Smokie you have truly outdone yourself ! So PC and so very on song, young man.

    Okay, to this line up I would add five-finger discount queen Winona Ryder who is the Stephen Milne of the women’s fantasy team and would be the obvious goal sneak!

  6. Paul Young says


    Great work, but for me, there are two very obvious omissions.

    Have you not seen SALT or Mr & Mrs Smith?
    Ass for the other one
    GI Jane or A Few Good men?

  7. Great first draft Smokie but needs seroius reconsideration as some of the greats have been inadvertently left out.

    The Hepburns (love the Woody Gutherie song PB), Grace Kelly, Bette Davis, Elizabeth Taylor and the mighty Marilyn Monroe!

  8. Love what you did with the team names Smokie.

    I’d find it hard to leave Margot Robbie out of any team, and she did make the Suicide Squad. A late inclusion perhaps?

    Rick, I reckon those suggestions would go better in a Hollywood Soccer team – their acting style would seem better suited to the round ball code.

  9. Superb Smokie ( Jennifer wins best comment brilliant as well )

  10. JD, au contraire if you are suggesting that they over-act.

    Katie Hepburn and Bette Davis are as tough as nails, will burrow for the ball and will win the game off their boot if need be. As would Joan Crawford, Lauren Bacall and a few others. Monroe is a fine (and under-rated) actor. Put her in the forward line. Where she will shine. Grace Kelly had probably shortest career but starred in at least 5 classics from 11 movies. That’s a terrific return and she will deliver for this team. Liz Taylor? She’s Dangerfield, Ablett and Daisy Pearce in one.

    I would drop Roberts, Swank, Theron and Field without blinking for these stars of the screen and footy field.

  11. Luke Reynolds says

    Great read and very entertaining Smokie.
    My favourite, S. Johannsen (Avengers FC) very unlucky to miss out.

  12. Anna Campbell says

    Brilliant, thanks :)

    I take note of your closing statement that “Selection was limited to those who are still with us.” Otherwise, I’m sure the quadruple medallist Hepburn (Winter Lionesses) would have got a guernsey, alongside the great Voyager Davis.

    From the suggestions in the comments above, there’s a pretty good Hollywood Ladies’ Reserves squad too!

    (for those who don’t follow, all Smokie’s were Best Actress winners, not Best Supporting Actress, and all are still alive)

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