Players walk around the rooms, bounce lightly.
Locker doors slam.
“Carn guys! Big one today!”
Pats on bums, drinks, stretches.
The coach calls attention.
“Righto, let’s go. Take a seat, take a seat.”
“From the backline…”
Arthur Graham (232 Hawthorn games, 1955-68, Premiership captain 1961)
Conan Gary Ayres (269 Hawthorn games, Norm Smith Medal 1986, 1988, B&F 1986)
Doyle Robert (77 South Melbourne games, 1969-75)
Much whooping.
“Carn Sherlock!”
“I know, my dear Watson, that you share my love of all that is bizarre and outside the conventions and humdrum routine of daily life.”
“Half backs…”
David (Davey) Aaron (9 Port Adelaide games, 178 Melbourne games, 2002-13)
Foster Peter (7 Fitzroy games, 163 Footscray games, Footscray B&F 1990)
Wallace Terry (174 Hawthorn games, 11 Richmond games, 69 Footscray games, 1978-91)
Clapping, sporadic yelps.
“You guys..!”
“Everybody is identical in their secret unspoken belief that way deep down they are different from everyone else.”
“Centreline…”
Robert(s) Neil (169 St Kilda games, B&F 1955, 1958, Brownlow 1958, Captain 1959-62)
Louis (Lewis) Chris (53 Claremont games, 215 West Coast games, B&F 1990, Premiership team 1992, 1994)
Stevenson Bill (88 St Kilda games. 1957-63)
“Ah, ha!”
“Lead us to the treasure, boys!”
“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.”
“Half-forwards…”
George Alf (33 Essendon games, 55 Melbourne games, 1906-15)
Bernard(i) Christina (Collingwood Women 2017-)
Shaw Tony (313 Collingwood games, 1978-94, Premiership 1990, Captain 1987-93, Norm Smith medal 1990, B&F 1984, 1990)
“This is your day!”
“Let’s do it!”
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
“Forwards…”
Frank(s) Bert (40 North Fremantle games, 99 South Melbourne games, 1903-13, South Melbourne Premiership side 1909)
Lloyd Matthew (270 Essendon games, 1995-2009)
Wright Graham (201 Collingwood games, 1988-98, Premiership side 1990)
“Nothing in the tank!”
“Make it happen!”
“If you invest in beauty, it will remain with you all the days of your life.”
“On-ballers…”
F(rancis) Tony (47 Norwood games, 142 Collingwood games, Premiership team 1990, B&F 1991, 19 St Kilda games)
Scott Chris (215 Brisbane Bears, Lions games, Premiership side 2001, 2002)
Fitzgerald Len (96 Collingwood games, 125 Sturt games, 1945-62, Magarey Medal 1953, 54, 59)
“Too good, guys, too good.”
“Let’s do it.”
“Can’t repeat the past?…Why of course you can!”
“The bench…”
Phil(l)ip(s) Greg (343 Port Adelaide games, 84 Collingwood games, 1977, 79, 80, 81, 88, 89, 90, 92 SANFL premierships, 1988 Port B&F)
K(ay) Fred (11 Collingwood games, 1897)
Dick Billy (53 Fitzroy games, 100 Carlton games, Carlton captain 1914-17, Premiership 1915)
“Burn ’em up.”
“Come on!”
“It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.”
The coach pauses.
All eyes are on her.
“Now get out there – the page is blank. Write your own story.”
For more in this rolling series of Almanac Novelty Teams click HERE.
About David Wilson
David Wilson is a hydrologist, climate reporter and writer of fiction & observational stories. He writes under the name “E.regnans” at The Footy Almanac and has stories in several books. One of his stories was judged as a finalist in the Tasmanian Writers’ Prize 2021. He shares the care of two daughters and likes to walk around feeling generally amazed. Favourite tree: Eucalyptus regnans.
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KB’s dream, a two man bench: James Joyce.
Tony Tea: perfect.
Shirley – Robert (151 Adelaide games)
Hardie – Brad (Brownlow Medalist, 140 South Fremantle games, 47 Footscray, 101 Brisbane Bears)
Jackson – Daniel (Jack Dyer Medalist, 156 Richmond games)
Late out after a horror season, just can’t seem to buy luck.
“No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality.”
That Irish recruit William Butler Yeats must be thrusting his name before the selectors..
(Diesel) William(s)
(Dan) Butler
(Graeme) Yeats
You’re ruining my day ER. I can’t get writers’ names out of my consciousness.
What about Henry Handley (sic) Richardson?
(Josh) Henry
(Stephen) Handel(ly)
Richo
Brilliant ER. Love the way you snuck Gary Ayres in under Conan. Taking it up a notch now !
John (Bomber) Henry
(Viv) Valentine
Keith Miller
Very good! A forward line featuring:
J(ames) Hird
M(atthew) Pavlich
Barrie Robran
would go alright
Stephen Edgar
Ben Allan
Myles Po(holke)
D Brown
That’s it now. If we’re going with initials as good enough my day is officially over.
Haha, JTH, the JM in JM Barrie does actually stand for James Matthew, so I’m not entirely cheating… just couldn’t leave Barrie out of it, correct spelling and all
A slightly wobbly backline could perhaps use
PATRICK Ambrose
VICTOR Belcher
Darryl WHITE
…at least in an Australian International Rules team.
Mind bending (boggling) creativity ER.
JAY Schulz (194 games;Richmond and Port Adelaide; 2003-16)
Jack KAY (183 games; South Adelaide, North Adelaide, Sturt; 1891-1909)
Barry ROWLING(s) (234 games; Hawthorn, Richmond; 1975-86)
Great additions.
Initials… Love it.
Let the can of worms out of the bag.
Still unable to find any Australian footballers named: Gabriel, García or Márquez.
Across the full back line, the current day line up of:
Caleb DANIEL (Bulldogs)
Sam DAY (Gold Coast)
Jordan LEWIS (Hawthorn; Melbourne)
would go alright. (Surely creative types beyond authors are permitted in the side).
Stephen OLIVER
Leigh NEWTON
Gareth JOHN
JAY Schulz
JAY Viney
John CAHILL
ROBERT Shaw Essendon
LOUie Abrahams Fitzroy
Owen?? STEPHENSON Geelong/Richmond.
Scrap my idea ,Euc. regnans had already named them.
Sorry, Rod Oaten
Notorious killers often do the three name thing, too. For example:
Scott LEE
Robert HARVEY
Lance OSWALD
All criminals DB. Who was Ronnie Barker’s character in Porridge?
ER, I was going to go with Shelley only I couldn’t remember a Bysshe strapping the boots on anywhere.
Ooh, yeah, a good backline:
David NORMAN
Rhys STANLEY
Dustin FLETCHER
George HAMS
Michael CHRISTIAN
Graeme ANDERSON
All Collingwood
Slight tweaks…
It’s a dramatic midfield/half forward line that includes
Graham ARTHUR (Hawthorn)
Marcus ASHER(CROFT) (Brisbane)
Touk MILLER (Gold Coast)
That made me laugh Lord Bogan. Could open the way to yet another genre.
Infinite possibilities JTH. It’s all about embracing the void left to us by the AFL.
Bill HENRY
George ARCHIBALD
Jamie LAWSON
“A Confederacy of Dunces” (A Recent History of the Carlton Football Club) won the 1981 Pulitzer Prize for Literature awarded posthumously 11 years after the suicide of its author:
JOHN James (Carlton; 195 games; 1953-63; 1961 Brownlow Medal)
Josh KENNEDY (Carlton – 22 games; West Coast – 196 games; 2006 – current; 2015/16 Coleman Medal; 2017 All Australian)
Harry TOOLE (Carlton; 59 games; 1921 – 1925)
A book and author that qualifies on multiple fronts.
Phil
Do you think that by 2058 the AFL’s core business will be selling hamburgers?
JTH
JTH – To quote Peter Cook: “Hamburger stands, but no fucking hamburgers, just the fucking stands.”
Politically speaking, in honour of Carlton stalwart and Liberal Prime Minister (1939-41; 1949-1966) some working class footballers:
ROBERT Murphy (Bulldogs; 312 games; 2000-17)
Wayne GORDON (Collingwood; 100 games; 1973-81) (or GORDON Agars leading Adelaide sporting journalist and Uni Blacks luminary)
Doug MENZIES (Footscray; 14 games; 1937-39)
Assassinated US President:
Graeme JOHN (East Perth and South Melbourne; 144 games; 1959-69)
Len FITZGERALD (Collingwood and Sturt; 221 games; 1945-62; Magarey Medals 1952, 54, 59)
Josh KENNEDY (Hawthorn, Sydney; 217 games; 2008 – current; 3x All Australian)
British WW2 Prime Minister 1940-45; 1951-55:
WINSTON Abraham (Fremantle, North Melbourne; 110 games; 1995-2001)
Peter SPENCER (East Perth, North Melbourne, Subiaco, Claremont; 232 games; 1974-87; Sandover Medal 1976, 84)
Bill CHURCHILL (South Melbourne; 1928-29; 17 games)
Winston Churchill controversially won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1953 (he always wanted the Peace Prize he never received).
British WW1 Prime Minister 1916-22:
DAVID Rhys-Jones (South Melbourne, Carlton; 182 games; 1980-92)
Sam LLOYD (Richmond; 55 games; 2014-current)
Max GEORGE (Swan Districts, Fitzroy, Central Districts; 115 games; 1969-81)
And the 41st and 43rd US Presidents:
Jack GEORGE (Collingwood, St Kilda, South Melbourne; 73 games; 1930-36)
Des HERBERT (Collingwood, Fitzroy, West Adelaide; 103 games; 1980-87)
Bill WALKER (Swan Districts; 305 games; 1961-76; Sandover Medals 1965, 66, 67, 70)
Tom BUSH (Melbourne; 5 games; 1942-44)
I’ve surprisingly found a Makepeace (Troy) but no Thackeray. No Luther for MLK (Tom Boyd went to Luther College).
This is addictive. Curse you E2R.
Hamburger stands – ha.
Ohhh, there’s something in that.
PB – the field is wide open.
Criminal XVIII
Political XVIII
Political criminal XVIII
I failed to select an umpire.
Probably only one field umpire required (halcyon days).
Umpire: Socrates
Bruce ANDREW (Coll 1928-34, 62 games)
Colin BARTON (Geel 1955-59, 38 games)
Jack PATERSON (Geel 1920, 1924-26, 23 games)
Cue Banjo music? Good one Luke.
Also in a musical vein, the great Jack Oatey coached Sturt team of the late 60’s (5 flags 1966-70) had 2 Malcolm Jones. Ruckman MS “Jeep” Jones and full forward ME “Emmy” Jones. https://australianfootball.com/players/player/malcolm%2B%2527emmy%2527%2Bjones/515
Malcolm “EMMY” Jones (Sturt; 58 games for 205 goals before breaking his leg playing for SA on the MCG; 1965-68)
LOU Richards (Collingwood; 250 games; 1941-55)
Leon HARRIS (Fitzroy; 186 games; 1979-89)
From other sports, 1991 British Open golf winner:
IAN Stewart (St Kilda, Richmond; 205 games; 1963-75; Brownlow Medals 1965, 66, 71)
Leon BAKER (Swan Districts, Essendon; 150 games; 1981-88)
Fred FINCH (Hawthorn; 37 games; 1925-27)
And cricket writer and broadcaster:
CHRISTOPHER Dylan Judd (West Coast, Carlton; 279 games; 2002-15; Brownlow Medals 2004, 10)
Dustin MARTIN (Richmond; 190 games; 2010 – current; Brownlow Medal 2017)
Josh JENKINS (Adelaide; 127 games; 2012 – current)
Well played, e.r.
You really started something here.
I’ve come to this late but it’s fun and I want to stick my oar in:
A four-man bench with:
C. (Charles): Sean (Melb) 1992-97 or Justin (Foot/Rich) 1989-98.
M. (Manning) : Andrew (St.K/Ess) 1985-91.
H. (Hope): George (Gee) 1917-19.
CLARK: Jim (Carl) 1943-51.
H. (Herbert) Harry (Gee.) 1952-57.
G. (George): Alf (Ess./Melb) 1906-15.
WELLS: Greg (Melb/Carl) 1969-82.
D. (Davey*) Aaron (Melb.) 2004-13
H. (Herbert) Harry (Gee) 1952-57
LAWRENCE: Barry (St.K) 1969-76.
(* I doubt that David ever used the contraction!)
J. (John) Graeme (East Perth/Sth. Melb) 1964-69
K. (Kennet(h): Fred (SM) 1928 (or notable Hawthorn President)
GALBRAITH: Col (Melb) 1944
J. (John) Graeme (as above)
Maynard: Rod (Adel) 1991-95.
KEYNES: usually pronounced Caine(s) Frank (Carl/Ess) 1905-14; infrequently Keene(s) Laurie (WC) 1987-90.
The obsolescent three player line required a contrivance as most authors middle names are comparatively unknown. I was tempted by Thomas Michael Keneally and Robert Lee Frost, as well as Vance Palmer (given name Edward) and the contemporary Flanagans Martin and Richard with their virtually unknown qualifying middle names. Ray Bradbury and John Fowles also fell at the hurdle of the unused middle name.
I did consider Jean-Paul Sartre (but felt that Peter Sartori was a stretch too far).
Brilliant Er. I`ve been enjoying this immensely. Of course, Frank Lloyd Wright was a talented and creative player who contributed much to the free-flowing, organic style of football so beloved in the stands.
Nice Peter. Another option for a four person bench might be:
Max GEORGE
Bruce R(AYMOND)
R(ICHARD) Champion
MARTIN Pike
Can Lewis Roberts-Thompson play himself? or does he have to become
Dale LEWIS
Michael ROBERTS
Len THOMPSON