Why your team won’t win the flag. Or, I can put you out of your misery now.

 

Your team will NOT win the premiership this year if ANY of the following applies to it:

 

Your team loses by more than 80 points at any time during the season (even in JLT games).

 

Your team wins at home but can’t win away from home.

 

Your team loses to Collingwood.

 

Your team has a player in it called Jarrod, or Jarryd, or Jared, or Jarod.

 

Your team has more than one player with a man bun.

 

Your team’s coach says that the team has no limits this season.

 

The leadership group contains more than four players.

 

The ratio of players in your team with substantial ink to those with no ink is higher than 1:10.

 

Your team loses to the Suns in Melbourne.

 

Your team has a free agent that every other team wants.

 

Your team has won a flag in the last 35 years.

 

The AFL hates your team (that’s probably everyone except GWS and Sydney).

 

Your team contains at least three players who wear the Dirk Diggler moustache.

 

Your team asks, “Why not us?”. That only worked for the Dogs.

 

Your team starts with Fremantle.

 

Your team has admitted it was rebuilding last November. (Put aside the next decade).

 

Your team has a President who yells a lot at the footy.

 

Your team has a coach who smashes phones.

 

Your team has a coach who eats jelly beans.

 

Your team got smashed in the JLT series but the deputy vice, sub-junior, assistant, cadet coach who was in charge that day said, “we got what we wanted out of the game”.

 

Your team is highly profitable and doesn’t need a handout from the AFL.

 

Your team loves Etihad Stadium (or whatever large entity has buzzed having their name on that stadium these days).

 

You love Etihad Stadium (refer above to the name of this stadium).

 

Your team is trying to create a brand rather than a team.

 

Your team’s coach is really good at snuffing out young talent.

 

Your team drops forwards who aren’t that good at tackling but excel at kicking goals.

 

Your team’s coach thinks no one has heard of Machiavelli.

 

Your team wears the clash jumper more often than the traditional guernsey.

 

Your team has forgotten what the traditional guernsey looks like.

 

Your team’s coach is already describing yours as “a young list”.

 

Your team employed leadership consultants over summer.

 

Your team’s leadership group is always talking about “what this club stands for” but never tells anyone what the club stands for.

 

Your team goes into crisis mode when a player is caught out on the piss.

 

Your team’s home ground is not shaped like the MCG.

 

Bill Shorten says he barracks for your team. [There goes Collingwood – Ed]

 

Malcolm Turnbull says he roots for your team.

 

Your team has red in its colours.

 

Your club song is just appalling.

 

Your team is out of the eight after 10 rounds and the players are still “following the process”.

 

Your team is pretty shit and deep down inside you know it.

 

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About Damian O'Donnell

OK - which is the odd one out: Love the Cats and flannelette shirts, especially in winter. I get on extremely well with red wine. We just seem to hit it off. Love horse racing in Spring. Used to love cricket. Go to Stawell every Easter and contemplate life around the fire. Love water skiing, especially in summer. Get meaning from catching a beautiful curling wave. Love a great oil painting. Will read most things put in front of me. Thought 'The Sopranos' was the best TV show ever made - by miles. Run an accounting practice in Melbourne's suburbs.

Comments

  1. Dave Brown says:

    Was going fine up until No. 9

  2. Chris Rees says:

    IMO nº 14 is factually inaccurate (it worked for the Tiges as well) so this has shored up my conviction that the Richmond are on track to win it.

  3. Excellent Dips. Much head nodding here.

    May I submit: your team’s coaches refer to the team as a group.

  4. Very, very clever Dips. And funny/wise.
    Confident that we won’t lose to the Suns in Melbourne. Last point had me but. If you can get a price about the Eagles for the spoon………….

  5. Chris – I beg to differ. The Dogs asked “why not us?” but the Tigers asked “Please God why can’t it be us?” Subtle but major difference.

  6. Neil Anderson says:

    When a legend and saviour of the club is locked out of her club’s entrance approved by another club saviour. All happening before the ball is bounced for pre-season matches.
    A bit worried to see the clubs with red in colours not going to win the premiership.

  7. Yvette Wroby says:

    Thank god you are not the prophet Dips… no teams with red, man buns ( whew I think Bruce is only one now) and AFL hates us..,so Saints are buggered!

  8. Jarrod_L says:

    Number 4 is a bit harsh…

    So by rough calculations from your post Dips, I have 18 teams with no chance. Tougher year than most then, but I suppose some team has to go back to back.

  9. Excellent work, old mate.
    Far too many of these dot points sound like North Melbourne for my liking.

  10. Luke Reynolds says:

    Bill Shorten says he barracks for your team. Guessing he’s a Paul Keating level of supporter?

    Who does Malcolm Turnbull root for? Does he know the Waratahs play Super Rugby not AFL?

    Good point about Leadership groups, should be kept to a minimum. Don’t get me started on co-cqaptains either!!

  11. Les Everett says:

    Nice smarty pants.
    But when Fremantle wins the premiership (or something else happens) you will be proved wrong….

  12. You got my mob a few times. Anyway, I think you might be correct 17 times! Good job!

  13. Phillip Dimitriadis says:

    That’s a pisser Dips. Had me chuckling and then cringing when I realised most of your ‘observations’ apply to the Pies. Could be another early frost at the ‘Underachievers Centre’ on Olympic Blvd.

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