WHY MELBOURNE WILL WIN THE PREMIERSHIP

THE OPTIMISTS’ GUIDE TO SEASON 2012. PART ELEVEN.

By Alex Wadelton

WHY MELBOURNE WILL WIN THE PREMIERSHIP

The Curse of Norm Smith continues unabated at the Melbourne Football Club. Its string of ineptness now stretches to 47 years of non-premiership glory. Since their last flag in 1964 the following events in history have occurred- the invention of colour TV, the invention of VCR players, the superseding of VCR players, the invention of DVD players, the invention of mobile phones, the invention of the internet, the invention of colour, the invention of the wheel, the invention of fire, the invention of the Earth and the invention of God.

Soon it could well rival The Curse of The Bambino, Babe Ruth, which the Boston Red Sox suffered through for 86 years. But not according to this season preview which predicts that Melbourne will win this year’s premiership. Lucky for the Dees that my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great Grandfather was Nostradamus, hey?

Coaching.

After the folly of appointing Dean Bailey- a man with no AFL senior coaching experience who previously forged a solid playing career followed by becoming a premiership winning assistant coach at Port Adelaide, the Dees decided to change things up a bit and really go for broke in appointing Mark Neeld- a man with no AFL senior coaching experience who previously forged a solid playing career followed by becoming a premiership winning assistant coach at Collingwood.

Players to watch.

The youngest VFL/AFL captain in history, young Jack Trengove has the world at his feet. Except for when he’s doing handstands. Then he has the sky at his feet. And when he’s swimming. Then he has water at his feet. No matter which way you look at he’s destined for stardom. And, as every Demons fan says “he’s so much better than that money grubbing traitor Tom $cully who will always be injured and is a waster of money and we’re better off without him.”

Jack Grimes has star potential if he can stay out on the park. A series of injuries have so far de-railed his career somewhat, so it came as a surprise when he was appointed co-captain. Hopefully the burden doesn’t weigh him down like a camel carrying a piano, a safe, an elephant and four hundred and three geese across quicksand.

Jack Watts is just about the most criticised player in the league since Richard Tambling moved to Adelaide. Already this season he’s been called out by new coach Mark Neeld for not being aggressive enough and been blasted by Mick Malthouse. This year is clearly make or break for the man who turns 21 this year. Because as we all know, if you’re not a superstar by the age of 21 you’re nothing. Just ask Gary Ablett. Or Dean Cox. Or Dane Swan.

Jack Fitzpatrick. Don’t know who he is, but he’s called Jack too.

Tactics.

The off-season was a period of enormous upheaval at Demonland. The old captain Brad Green was removed from the leadership group. The old vice-captain Brent Moloney was removed from the leadership group. Two new co-captains were appointed with only sixty nine games between them. A new coach was installed. And, of course, the passing of club legend Jim Stynes saddened the whole football world. So, to counter all these momentous happenings the Demons can do but one thing- fire up, get the ball and DO SOMETHING! (That’s actually three things, but it’s the one general gist so hopefully you can let this side on a technicality.)

Prediction.

The Dees will do it for Big Jimma and Irish eyes will be celebrating a momentous premiership victory.

 

Next up: Why the Shinboner’s spirit will triumph and claim the 2012 premiership.

 

Comments

  1. Stephanie Holt says:

    This may be the best preview yet. You’ve almost convinced me.

    (If only it were only four hundred and TWO geese he might be ok.)

  2. Richard Naco says:

    Your Players To Watch chapter seemed to be hijacked by some sort of sumblinal theme, but I’m jacked off that I can’t quite put my finger on it.

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