Why Geelong will win the premiership

THE OPTIMIST’S GUIDE TO SEASON 2012. PART SEVEN.

By Alex Wadelton

WHY GEELONG WILL WIN THE PREMIERSHIP

Gee, they’re long in the tooth. For the rest of the competition the Cats being perennial contenders is getting really old, it’s got so people just can’t think straight anymore. They’ve been at the top for so long that when opposition supporters look in the fridge, they hope that their milk is past its use by date. When their children go to the playground they look at them and reckon they’re due for a slide. When they see an egg/human hybrid sitting on a wall, they think it’s time for a great fall.

But the Cats show no sign of letting up.

Consider this- at the end of 2010, Geelong lost a two-time premiership coach in Mark Thompson, the game’s best player Gary Ablett, and the game’s toughest player in Max Rooke.  Yet, they still claimed the premiership.

So, just think how the Cats will strike back now that Mark Blake has retired.

Coaching.

Once upon a time there was a sweet, young boy named Chris Scott. His step-father and step-brothers, however, were jealous of his steely eyes, strong jaw and quiet determination, so they forced him into a life of servitude completing menial tasks, never leaving the house.

One day, a fair prince named Brian Cook did host a lavish ball. As his step-brothers got ready to go, young Chris sobbed with despair. Then, from out of nowhere his fairy Godmother, Neil Balme, did say “come on mate, fire up, show the old boy what you’ve got.” He then gave Chris an elbow to the head and sent him on his way warning him “be careful, Port Adelaide will pick you as coach if you stay til midnight.”

At the ball, the whole court was entranced by Scott, especially the prince Brian Cook. But when Scott looked at the time on his G-Shock he had to turn and run, leaping through a brick wall as he made his escape, leaving a shoe behind him. No way could he let Port Adelaide choose him as coach, no!

For the coming weeks, the Prince could think of nothing but the fair Chris Scott. But he could not be found. He did, of course, have a shoe from the foot of the Chosen One. Searching high and low, he did finally come across a soot and cinder covered Chris Scott cleaning out the fireplace of Matthew Primus. Reaching forward he nervously slid the shoe onto the trembling foot of Scott. A perfect fit.

Yes, Chris Scott has truly had a Cinderella start to his coaching career. 

Players to watch.

What more can be said about wonder boy Jimmy “Mr Perfect” Bartel? Three premierships. Brownlow Medal winner. Norm Smith Medallist. Ice cold under pressure. Good looking. Humble. Pretty girlfriend. How about, he once punched a kitten?

Orren Stephenson has big shoes to fill. Hopefully, the Geelong boot-studder eventually gets around to giving him his own boots instead of having to wear Brad Ottens’s, because nobody deserves to get Otto’s fungal foot infections. Another big hope for Cats fans is that he doesn’t inherit Ottens’ propensity to be impaled on fences, sliced up by propellers or have to shop at “Mr Giant-Scone’s Emporium of Enormous Hats for the Generously Proportioned Cranium.”

From all reports Josh Hunt has had a MASSIVE pre-season. At least that’s what that email from his jilted ex-girlfriend said.

Tactics.

With the average age of the best twenty-two of Geelong now sitting at 63 years, the Cats are all set to tweak their game plan. Instead of studying tapes of their opposition to glean a nugget of information that just may get them that tiny insight or advantage so important for victory, the team now gathers every Thursday night at Newtown Bingo Hall to watch “Are you being served?” and snigger at Mrs. Slocum’s pussy. All are home, tucked up in bed with a nice mug of Bonox, by 8.30pm.

On field they then plan to bore the opposition senseless by talking about dentures, arthritis, and back pain. Back pain caused by lifting premiership cups regularly.

Prediction.

Older. Slower. Gooder. The Cats to win the flag in a canter(as much as a cat can canter). Actually, perhaps it’s more like the Cats to win the flag in a slink. Or a stalk. Or a prowl. You get the drift.

Next up: Why Gold Coast will claim their first ever premiership.

 

Comments

  1. John Butler says:

    Really going out on a limb with this one Alex.

    Can’t see you getting much support from this website.

  2. John Harms says:

    People are going to start to gauge all this with degrees of optimism detected in your series.

  3. Peter Baulderstone says:

    Been thinking about JBartel. I have never seen him play a really good game against the Eagles. I keep wondering what the fuss is about, and how did he win a Brownlow? Then I see a game like last year’s GF and he is the best ordinary footballer I have ever seen. There is nothing special in all the things he does, just the ability to consistently execute the everyday exquisitely under the greatest pressure. Like Keiren Perkins in Barcelona. Bored by the mundane, but with crystal vision when most others are lost in the fog of adrenalin and expectations. I thought CJudd was like that – his performance in our losing 2005 GF was the reason we lost by a few points rather than 10 goals. Then I saw him in the semi final here last year and the magic was gone. Go figure??

  4. PB – I’ve never seen the words “ordinary” and “Bartel” in the same sentence before.

  5. Skip of Skipton says:

    Great assessment of Bartel, Peter.

    Jimmy probably won Geelong the ’09 flag also. The shutting down, after quarter-time, of a rampant Lenny Hayes; and the laying of 16 tackles. All hail Jimmy!

  6. Skip of Skipton says:

    Perkins at the Atlanta ’96 Olympics is what you’re talking about Peter, I reckon.

    Perkins was a young, fresh and ‘hot’ (not in that way, not that there’s anything wrong with that!) newcomer at Barcelona. A highly creditable 6th in the 200m freestyle, followed by an amazing effort in the 400m where he ended up going stroke for stroke with Russian (they were called the CIS at those games) champ Sadovyi, only to be beaten an eyelash. The 1500m final was a formality after that. Pity Glen Housman, the reigning 1500m world record holder, Commonwealth Games Auckland ’90 champ and Australian title holder (Perkins was 2nd to him, but ‘with a bullet’) who was destined to play ‘Hay List’ to Perkins’ ‘Black Caviar’.

    Looking at more recent swimming champions like Thorpe and Phelps, whilst not detracting from the hard training they endure to reach the heights they have, you can plainly see the physical attributes that give them an advantage. Not so much with Perkins, to my eye at least. He was some sort of mind-over-matter mystical adept, not unlike the delisted half-forward flanker, who given a second chance to redeem himself, became Brett Kirk. Both examples of what Nietzsche was trying to convey with his ‘uber-mensch’ philosophy, I postulate.

  7. Peter Baulderstone says:

    Thanks Skip. I did get my Olympics mixed. Atlanta was the lane 8 triumph of mind over matter. I guess that is what the David ‘Uber’ Mensch is about. Or are you talking about our esteeemed Almanacker – Bob ‘Superman’ Utber?
    I reckon its easy to say someone is a great player – in any sport. What I find interesting is teasing out what makes them great, and how they are different from other ‘great’ players. The other analogy I thought of with Bartel was Lloyd Williams old champ, Mahogany. I remember Brian Martin waxing lyrical after he won a WFA sprint first up. He said he was like the old Hollywood filmstars who turned up on the lot in the sports car, tore off the sunnies, and said to the Director “what have you got for me today?”
    Drama, tragedy, romance, comedy? A player for all seasons, so long as the stage is big enough, and the audience adoring enough.
    Of course that ignores the hours, and weeks and years of preparation that going into performing ‘on cue’ on the biggest stage. But it is a rare talent.

  8. Brandon Erceg says:

    Whenever something needs to happen or a big moment/act/play is needed, bartel is always ther, and just quietly gets it done, flying under the radar, gets the big things done. He’s a champion.

  9. Neil Balme in a tutu

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