Why barracking for Collingwood is hopeless

by Chris Taylor

This situation is hopeless.

No matter what happens over the course of the next two weeks, if you barrack for Collingwood you might as well go and hide under the bed. It’s going to be nothing but pain. Painful pain. Yes, the kind that hurts.

If you know a Collingwood supporter, help them steal a laptop, log into their neighbour’s wifi, open this up and read it to them. It might just help them survive the next fortnight without injuring themselves or someone else.

This week, you’ll have to put up with cocky Geelong fans. Don’t fight it. Accept it as a fact of life. Besides, they’ve totally earned the right over the last four years. By the way, if you’re a Collingwood supporter and you don’t think the 2007 Prelim was the best game you’ve ever seen a Collingwood side play despite the fact we lost, you need further help.

Should Geelong win on Friday night, no matter how close the game is, you have every right to feel disappointed. But under no circumstances should you whinge about the umpiring decisions or your team’s inability to kick the oval shaped thing between the two tallest wooden things. Prepare for patronising rubbish from friends who support Geelong and an absolute kicking from friends who support every other side. The best advice is to stand in front of a mirror and say the word ‘Colliwobbles’ until it has no more effect on you. Oh, and avoid all media until Dane Swan wins the Brownlow.

Should Collingwood win on Friday night, no matter how close the game is, shut the hell up. Sing the song loud at the ground. Watch the replay until your eyes bleed at home, but that’s where it ends. Also, don’t bait friends who barrack for Geelong – even though their window will now be closed and Gary Jr will be packing his bags for the Sunshine State. It’s just not worth it. No one likes Collingwood supporters to begin with. People throw rocks (and knives) at smug ones. If you feel the need to rabbit on about it, go to the cinema that is screening ‘Joffa’, you might find a kindred spirit.

Should this happen and your beloved Pies progress to the Grand Final, enjoy the week. The Brownlow should be a stress-free evening for starters. But the best advice I can give is to find a distraction like reading a book, or, alternatively, hire a season or two of a tv series and watch that to keep your mind off the footy.

Should St Kilda win the Grand Final (sorry Bulldogs fans), accept the fact that it is Collingwood’s lot in life to be the side that St Kilda beats in Grand Finals. If you take this attitude, then you should be able to celebrate long and hard into the night with any St Kilda following friends –besides it’d be their shout. Once again, expect a torrent of ‘Colliwobble’ abuse, jokes about going missing in September, and of course, Travis Cloke. Have faith that St Kilda winning a flag is “good for footy”. And console yourself in the knowledge that Mick Malthouse is still coaching for another year. Still, it’ll be best to steer clear of ALL media for a good fortnight.

Should Collingwood win the Grand Final, understand this: It’ll be because of injuries to the other team. It’ll be because of the &*%^&$ umpires. It’ll be because it was too wet/dry/windy and good teams don’t win in those conditions. It’ll be an AFL conspiracy. It’ll be because Collingwood cheated. It’ll be because they played the last seven home and away games at the G. It’ll be because of the people that stole the laptops from St Kilda a few weeks ago (who were probably Collingwood supporters).

You can be guaranteed that if Collingwood does win the premiership, it certainly won’t be because they were the best, most consistent side of the year. Hence, you can’t celebrate it because, really, you’ve only won by default.

See. It’s a no-win situation Pie fans.


  1. spot on.

  2. And should the unthinkable happen, under no circumstance should Collingwood supporters go within 100 km of a Tattoo palour. If you need any proof have a look at the tat you picked up in Bali after 90′

  3. Is it possible that the three year menace of the GFC is finally exorcised by an economic boom based on one quarter of Australia’s population going on a retail spending frenzy gobbling up copious quantities of Pies Premiership memorabelia and unatractive, but obscenely expensive, body colourings?

    And is it possible that ‘Bulldog Jules’ will claim it as Government iniative?

  4. Sydney Malakellis says:

    I agree, Collingwood supporters are hopeless and should give up. Quite right.

  5. Sydney, Mrs Malakellis just rang. She’s made up the couch for you.

  6. 4-

    Sydney, I’m a Collingwood supporter who is described by others as many things; funny, smart, cute, petite, caring, but i have never been called hopeless.
    You seem to, like everybody else probably hate Collingwood, but can we stop the generalizing of Collingwood supporters? If I hear one more joke about my teeth or my criminal record im going to scream!

  7. “No one likes Collingwood supporters to begin with.”
    Truer words have never been spoken. The world is a better place when the Pies lose.
    All the same, it’s hard to feel animosity towards individuals who have dinner plate sized Collingwood emblems tattooed on their lower backs. It seems they’ve been punished enough

  8. Danni – we can all tell that you’re not the usual Collingwood supporter. Firstly you talk about “teeth”, plural. Not many Collingwood supporters can do that.

    Secondly you know what a criminal record is. Most Collingwood supporters think its Kylie’s new song.

    Thirdly you write things that make sense and entertain people, not just “I woz ‘ere” on train seats. Your mum and dad should be very proud.

  9. Did you mean ‘tooth’ Danni? Just joking; don’t scream.

    Are you going to the game? Win lose or draw it would be a memorable night for all footy nuts.

    Hang in there. Ride the bumps. I can’t pick it just yet and I am an experienced campaigner.

    Cheers, Phantom.

  10. 8- thanks Dips, im writing up a year 12 reflection as we speak, i hope it comes out alright since its hard to please everybody.

    9- phantom- *does Jonathan Brown scrowl face*
    Nah i won’t be going since Dads working and id prob jinx us if i did. Also add the fact that im scared to be at the gound, i would probably have a heart-attack!
    im just VERY annoyed that the Cats and my boys have to do the hard work while the Saints get the Golden ticket.

  11. Great article, Chris.

    But if (read: when) Geelong bow out on Friday night, I’ll be supporting Collingwood all the way – Danni need fear no taunts from me :p

    This is for a number of reasons:
    1. I feel sorry for the Pies
    2. The best deserve to win (there’s a reason the best are the best)
    3. I really, truly loathe St Kilda.

    Cats (then pies!) all the way!!!

  12. 11.3 – Susie, you’re assuming the Saints are gonna win on Saturday night…

  13. Gigs, I was just swimming with the article’s stream of thought.

    I think the Doggies can (and hopefully will) win for a number of reasons:

    1. They have confidence for the first time in a long time
    2. Hooper can lift them during a game
    3. St Kilda coming off a break
    4. Doggies (IMO) match up well on the Saints
    5. St Kilda may just be getting a little cocky.

    If the Dogs can win this week, Gigs, I shall love your team forever (even though it goes against the grain – our clubs are none-too-fond of each other). Well … at least until next season :P

  14. David Downer says:

    Susie, be assured the Saints are taking great delight in making this September a mentally challenging and frustrating period in your life.

    Re 13.5 – bit rich coming from a Catter!

    Er, LOL?

    Just as you are petrified re fri nite, i am the same sat nite


    ps – to the original author – good read

  15. Thanks for the comments guys. First post and all. Appreciate it.

  16. GO THE DOGGIES!!!!!!! :)

  17. susaie,
    what did Hooper show to inspire you? His first two contests were terrible, though I’ll concede that he later made good crumbing position.Not an auspicious debut.

  18. Crio, I may have committed the terrible error of reading too much into the press – I didn’t see the game, just caught bits of it on the radio, but the next day everywhere I looked it was things like: “Hooper showing old dogs new tricks”, etc etc.

    And from memory, Doggies were looking done until he kicked his goal. He may have not had a great game, but that effort from a debutant seemed to lift his teammates. The same thing happened with Geelong a couple of times last year.

    Simon Hogan is by no means a star or even solid player. Yet, on two or three occasions, when Geelong were losing the game and getting worse by the minute, he’d manufacture a goal out of nowhere. Not pretty, not brilliant, just a goal. Next thing you know, the team’s gone: well, if he can do it, why can’t we? BAM! Goal burst :P

    #14 Dave – I respect the Saints, doesn’t mean I have to like them. And it isn’t rich coming from a Cats supporter, it’s BECAUSE I’m a Cats supporter that I’ve been there, done that (re: cocky players – see: 2008 GF). I don’t mean to cast aspersion on the Saints, but I know Geelong has gone into many a game assuming it’d be a smooth ride, and been caught off guard. Look at round 22! We were showed up by WEST COAST for a half!

    But perhaps cocky was the wrong word. Complacent might’ve been better. Time will tell.

  19. David Latham says:

    The rantings of scared old men and women, over-ripe and past their prime, much like the Cats.

    Collingwood is just beginning their years of dominance, the Cats to a climactic fall.

    I think some Stone Roses lyrics capture it well enough:

    I can feel the earth begin to move,
    I hear my needle hit the groove,
    And spiral through another day,
    I hear my song begin to say,
    Kiss me where the sun don’t shine
    The past was yours
    But the future’s mine
    You’re all out of time

  20. I don’t agree Chris. If Collingwood wins we will be loud, proud, arrogant, badly behaved and fulfil every stereotype – and that’s just those of us who have a tertiary education and a level of maturity!

    We’ve earned it.

    If St Kilda or the Bulldogs win I would expect similar behaviour from their supporters. They too have earned it.

    If Geelong wins I expect that they will be too busy mourning Gazza junior’s relocation North to fully celebrate.

    We might be in a no win situation Chris but I have decide that the Pies should adopt the Millwall Soccer Clubs philsophy.

    “No-one like us. We don’t care!”

  21. #19

    Good to see you’re into music Dave. Here’s one of my old faves from Al Stewart. Catchy little tune: can’t seem to get it out of my head.

    Young, vibrant, adventurous, exciting, romantic, dangerous, nostalgic, graceful, wild, and believable so very believable.

    On a morning from a Bogart movie
    In a country where they turn back time
    You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre
    Contemplating a crime

    She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running
    Like a watercolor in the rain
    Don’t bother asking for explanations
    She’ll just tell you that she came

    In the year of the cat

    She doesn’t give you time for questions
    As she locks up your arm in hers
    And you follow till your sense of which direction
    Completely disappears

    By the blue tiled walls near the market stalls
    There’s a hidden door she leads you to
    These days, she says, “I feel my life
    Just like a river running through”

    The year of the cat

    Why she looks at you so coolly?
    And her eyes shine like the moon in the sea
    She comes in incense and patchouli
    So you take her, to find what’s waiting inside

    The year of the cat

    Well morning comes and you’re still with her
    And the bus and the tourists are gone
    And you’ve thrown away your choice and lost your ticket
    So you have to stay on

    But the drumbeat strains of the night remain
    In the rhythm of the new-born day
    You know sometime you’re bound to leave her
    But for now you’re going to stay

    In the year of the cat
    Year of the cat

  22. Whilst we are on about songs, there’s a great song by Joy Division called “Passover”. The opening line is:

    “This is the crisis I knew had to come.”

    I know the Cats’ glory days will end, but not yet! Not against Collingwood! Please!!

  23. Can’t wait till September 28th when QPR take on Millwall at Loftus Road Dave.

    Those blue and white hoops certainly are emerging in the Championship. Middlesborough and Ipswich both three – zip in four days.

    I go from blue and white hoops to blue and white hoops from season to season. It is a beautiful thing.

    (You can understand why no one likes Millwall. Essendon colours with Collingwood stripes.)

  24. “Destroying the balance I’d kept” is the second line to the joy division song passover.

    I don’t think this will happen, the cats will win the flag again. Even though I have not, and will never,
    forgive them for flogging my beloved port adelaide in 2007.

  25. John Butler says:

    Those song choices seem a little esoteric. After all, this is Collingwood we’re talking about.

    Should the Pies win the flag, I reckon the Dead Kennedys “Too Drunk To F@%&” might be more on the money.

  26. What’s even worse than being the side St Kilda beats in Grand Finals is that they will become the side Freo beats to win it’s first flag in 2011. Hah.

    Seriously, I’m hoping they win this week though, Cats have had their day. They were a plesaure to watch play live this year.

  27. I wasn’t going to say anything until after the game. There is nothing worse than declaring your team a winner three days before it gets its bottom kicked.

    Now that the Pies have proved their dominance over the Cats I feel that it is time to remind Phantom that Al Stewart wrote and sang many other songs apart from the inappropriate Year of the Cat.

    The Song “Carol” comes from his Modern Times album. Below is the chorus. The first two lines are not relevant but the last line nails your position perfectly, Phanto.

    Oh Carol, I think it’s time for running for cover, a-ha
    Believe me, you’re everyone’s and nobody’s lover, a-ha
    You’ve got a one-way ticket for all your yesterdays

    Enjoy your yesterdays.

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