Scene: The English Dressing room. Change of innings, England are chasing 500 and needing to bat for 5 sessions. Cook (played here by John Cleese as Reg, the leader of the People’s Front of Judea) is holding court in front of his team on why they can still salvage the series.
Reg: Come on boys. We’re just as good as the Aussies! They fear us! They’re crumbling under the pressure. South Africa made over 400 here, Greatbatch lasted 2 days for a draw. Look at what we’ve got. Our culture. Our history. Our innovative catering. Our unused group of extremely tall fast bowlers. That irritating bugler. I mean what have they ever done better than us?
Xerxes: Bowled with a plan, a field to back it up and made us play at balls we shouldn’t have.
Xerxes: Bowled to a plan
Reg: Oh yeah, they did do that, that’s true.
Commando: Placed a high value on their wickets.
Loretta: Oh yeah, they do, remember what Haddin was like in the last series compared to now.
Reg: Yeah, all right. I’ll grant you bowling to a plan and the value they place on their wickets are two things they have done better than us.
Matthias: And not having an arrogant number 4 who keeps trying to hit over well-placed fieldsman against Peter Siddle.
Reg: Well yeah, obviously the lack of KP’s ego, I mean that goes without saying doesn’t it. But apart from bowling to a plan, valuing your wicket, KP losing the plot…
Commando: A consistent line-up
Xerxes: A keeper who can make runs and hold chances
Commando 2: Holding catches
Reg: (irritated) Yeah, yeah, all right. Fair enough
Commando 1: and a decent spinner
Francis: Yeah, that’s one thing they really do have skipper
Commando: an all-rounder who has performed with bat and ball
Loretta: and their tail-enders stick around and make runs.
Francis: Yeah, they certainly don’t expect the batsmen to do everything. Let’s face it, they’re playing shots and supporting partnerships
Reg: ALL RIGHT. But apart from: bowling to a plan, setting good fields and making us play shots we don’t want to through pace and intimidation; placing a high value on their wickets; KP not losing his mind consistently: a stable line-up; a good keeper who makes runs and provides leadership and takes chances presented to him; excellent fielding; a decent spinner; an imposing all-rounder with a big mo and; tailenders who can stick around and score runs, what do the Australians have that we don’t have?!
Xerxes: The Ashes?
Reg: Oh shut up!
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