The Young and the Restless

“Davey; Davey my boy…………………..It’s Herman your Agent.  Have I got news for you Davey.  I’ve got you another 3 picture deal.”

“April and May I’ve got you in India for a Bollywood blockbuster called ‘The Delhi Daredevil’.  No you’re not the Daredevil, that’s Sehwag the local heartthrob.  Don’t worry you’re not the villain.  They’ve got a South African – Pietersen – to play the cad and bounder.”

“You’re doing your Crocodile Dundee shtick again.  You know – you have the knife between your teeth at the crease, and you rescue the girl from the Taliban.  Just remember the guy with the beard is always the villain, but you don’t need to keep practicing the role at 2am in bars.”

“Look Davey, I know you’re a method actor and it’s very hard for you to be out of character.  But we don’t want you getting typecast.  It’s bad for business.  You’re getting ¾ of a mill for a couple of hours work a day.  Look I know you still have to turn up every day, and stand around on set doing nothing most of the time.  But that’s the movie business.”

“Over Christmas I’ve got you back home for a 2 month shoot.   It’s called ‘Sydney Thunder’ and they’ve got all the Big Bash action guys for the movie.  Van Damme, Gayle, Dizzee Rascal.”

“OK, OK its only $200K, but you can live at home.   Surf in the morning.  Have an afternoon nap when the bit players are rehearsing their lines.  It’s all shot at night, and its only 4 hours work, so we’ll have you limo’d back to the clubs before midnight.”

“Look the other one is a bit of a stretch.  Big bucks – I can get you $1.5 million for a long running season.”

“The Show is called Australia XI.  It’s a franchise.  Been going on for decades apparently.  Australia II was the first big one.  Spielberg shot it off Rhode Island as a follow up to Jaws back in the 80’s.  Baz Luhrmann did another called Australia VIII with Our Nicole and Our Hugh a couple of years back.  Lots of colour and movement.”

“This one’s a period drama shot in both England and Australia.  It’s sort of ‘Downton Abbey’ meets ‘Packed to the Rafters’.  You play the servant that goes to jail – like John Bates meets Coby.”

“You can do it in your sleep – but remember what I told you – stop with the late night rehearsals.”

“The bad news is that the Director wants a long run on the stage before he shoots the movie.  I know you’re not a stage guy.  There’s a big season in the provinces – Nottingham, Manchester, and Durham.  But don’t worry we’ll get you back to London a couple of times where the West End theatres are closer to the clubs.  Then a return season and a movie shoot in Australia in the new year.”

“Look I know these epic stage shows are boring.  Five days running without a rest and you can be on stage for six or seven hours a day.  But you have to think of your future.  The money’s good and you can’t play action heroes forever.”

“Show ‘em you’ve got serious acting chops and I’ll move you on from ‘The Young and the Restless’ so you can still be playing the Ridge Forrester parts in ‘The Bold and the Beautiful’ into your 50’s.”

“Just remember what Shane told you.  You gotta keep performing on the stage if you want to keep the bucks and the babes flowing.”

“You’re big Davey.  The audience still wants to see you.  But no one’s bigger than the show.”

Comments

  1. Luke Reynolds says:

    Hahaha brilliant Peter! Laughed my way right through this. Sadly a true reflection of where Warner (and cricket) is at.

    At least Herman sounds like he’s working hard. For his 10%??

  2. Love it PB, great work. Funny but as Luke says, sadly factual.

    And Davey’s getting all this for only having to say a few lines and not much screen time, like all those Aussie cameos in Gatsby.

    Nice work if you can get it

    Sean

  3. The Wrap says:

    Hermie Brockenstein, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. You wouldn’t remember me, I was two classes behind you at grade school. You were a schmuck then and you’re a bigger one now. I’m sister to the boys mother. She’s too worried about Davey, and too shy say anything,, but let me tell you Herman, you’re doing the boy a disservice with all this glitzy life you’re seducing him with. I helped toilet train him, and was there when he took his first step. I know what he needs. And it’s not mixing with those theatre people just so you can collect your 10%. He needs lots of country air and good home cooked food. To settle down with a good woman, find a steady job that pays a regular wage. Like life was before all this razzmatazz. He’ll finish up in the gutter the way you’re taking him – which is where I suspect you’ & your type spend a lot of your time. Leave the kid alone and let him find his old self. He was doing fine until you came along with your fast cars & fancy women.

  4. Oy vey, Wrappstein. I wouldn’t get out of bed for a measly 10%. I taught the boy everything he knows.

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