The Wrap: Looking at Round 13

By John Mosig
What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  That Coaches Carousel is a 24/7 ride and the fairy floss is free.  The latest to climb aboard is Shinboner of The Century.  He’s invited The Greatest Player to Ever Pull on The Black&White Verticals to change the colour of his stripes.  Actually nothing new for Fig Jam.  With Arch on the Selection Committee, hands up those who see the invitation as an endorsement?  Now all they have to do to get Captain Brownlow around at Arden Street is find a buyer for the Gasometer.  Not an easy task in these troubled times.  And Boss Voss has weighed in too.  Well spotted Vossy.  Yes, it is a good time to be out of the country.

And just to prove you can’t keep a good man down, Black Jack Elliott has launched his own Footy Show on Channel 31.  Just to grab our attention he asserted that Carlton paid out several sexual abuse claims during the 1980s & 1990s.   Good one Jack.  Are we to presume $5,000 was a lot of money in those days?  Of course everybody connected with the club back then has denied it.  Just as they denied salary cap breaches.  Good launch Jack.  Trouble is Ch31 is still analogue, and not everyone can pick it up.

But can we read something deeper into the revelations?  Surely Jack’s not auditioning for the Presidency of The Sydney Inventions?  It’s certainly a modus operandi that would establish some credibility up in Sin City, eh? Don’t be too hasty to overlook this audition Andrew.  Big Godwin Jack has all the attributes for a Western Sydney football code President.

Not sure what to make of this one.  Shazza McLeary has pointed out that The Dees’ percentage is 69.69.  Are you saying they’re topped and tailed down at Melbourne Shazza?

It’s all starting again over in the Heart of Empire.  And if we hear one more joke about Cliff Richards not having to sing Summer Holiday to pass the time during a rain delay because the roof is now covered we’re going to have to reach for the bucket.  And once they finish the US Majors they’ll get the stars over to Scotland for the British Open.  The Ashes, Le Tour de Farce, the GP Revolution.  It’s all happening.  Llil Leyton, Slammin Sammy Stosur through to Round 3, even Mark Webber got to squirt the Mumm over the pit girls after the Red Bull came in 1 & 2 at Silverstone.

On the tennis, if only the sponsors knew what a turn off the grunts and squeals of the female circuit were to the casual tennis viewer.  While we don’t want Germaine crawling all over the column, we don’t feel we’re alone in finding it hard to get excited about women’s tennis anyway.  The vocal exhalation just has us reaching for the remote sooner.

But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who’s who mustard keen in Round XIII.

The Bombers v The Bluebaggers at The Paddock That Grew tonight.  Don’t you just love it when these two mugs line up against each other?  This one carries Eight Points as well as bragging rights.  And Eight Points that will boost the recipient clean into September.  It’s always good to see Scragger Fletcher back in the Essendon backline but they’ll miss the poetry reading of McVeigh & McPhee.  The Blues look more settled and they put up a good show against The Ladder Leaders last round.  The Dons on the other hand took half a match to get on top of one of the most deserving Wooden Spooners for some time.  The teams look well matched on paper overall but Essendon will need their two name forwards to fire up to have any chance of matching The Fev and Eddie the Goalsneak.  McVeigh will be sadly missed in the midfield, and that is where we expect The Silvertails’ dominance to emerge.  Sorry Knighter, but not this week.  Keep your hands in your pockets but.  The Gliders have the wood on The Miseries

The Woodsmen v The Anchormen at THF on Saturday Arvo.  The Pies are straight out of the microwave and will be too hot for The Flakers, who, since their early season three on the Stewie have fallen into a deep coma.  Chris Tarrant will want to impress they’ve named him in the attacking goalsquare.  His long leads out onto wing half forward will bring a tear to the collective eye of The Black&White Army.  Carringbush, and at $1.10 they’re getting a lend of our rent money for the match.

The Pride of South Australia v The Loyal Sons at Crow Park tomorrow.  The Bloods may have splashed their last pint of dead horse on The Pies last weekend.  They’re not a prolific scoring side and Rutten & Co will make sure they stay true to form.  BBBBarry will entertain, especially if he has an inkling he’ll be following Mrs O’Loughlin’s little boy Mickey out the door in August.  And hasn’t Mickey O been an ornament to THE GAME?  A part of Sydney when Roos was still playing and Brasso coaching.  Crikey, how long ago was that?  Michael Swan O’Loughlin, Favourite Son and Worthy Ambassador, we salute you.  But it won’t make any difference.  The Mighty Adelaide Crows.

Brisbane Lions v The Fuchsias at The Gabbattoir on Saturday night.  The Dees are taking Jack Who up for a tour of the Gold Coast theme parks before they run him against Springheel Brennan.  And did you notice Notting has been put on notice by Boss Voss?  You can put down the glasses now.  Brissy.

The Coasters v The Squawkers at Camp Subiaco on Saturday night.  The Hawthorn Captain has said they’ve drawn the line in the sand and will not retreat beyond it.  The Weagles caught The Bulldogs by surprise over there and The Mayblooms aren’t applying Four Quarters of pressure football the way they did last September.  However, we’re prepared to take Sam Mitchell at his word.  They regain Ladson, Gilham and Whitecross.  The Wiggles lose Cox, Nickosi and drop McNamara.  Look, if The Mustard Pots don’t win this one they’re in more s**t than a Werribee duck.  Six of their last nine matches are against teams above them plus Port Adelaide over there.  One last chance Hawkers.  And at $1.33 they’re The Wrap Investment Opportunity of The Round.

The Handbags v The Chokers at The Cattery on Sunday.  The Moggies are unchanged.  The Power has dropped one and lost the other Motlop.  Salopek has been omitted as well.  Let’s not waste a lot of clichés on this one.  Geelong.

North v West at The G on Sunday.  The question is, has Caretaker Coach Crocker found a hidden cellar of The Famous Elixir?  Even then, will it help?  Maybe and yes.  But will it help enough?  No.  The Doggies have a sniff and know that percentage will be everything come August.  The Sons of The West for ours.  And they’ll kick The Sweep.

St Kilda v RICHMOND under cover for the twilight meet on Sunday.  Unlike Godwin Gech, there is no confusion about our loyalties.  Eat ‘em Alive Sainters.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

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About John Mosig

I’m an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it’s my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.

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