The Wrap: Don’t say I didn’t warn you

HEADLINES WE’LL BE SEEING IN 2010

Here you go Wrappers.  We’ve just got the Wrap Crystal Ball back from the dry cleaners.  We gave it a bit of a rub and these are the headlines that materialized out of the mist.  How do they match up with your crystal ball?

PRE SEASON

AFL CEO Ayatollah Demetriou announces that the mid season draft will be re-introduced this season.  “This is primarily to cater for the League’s Dream Team Competition, which under major sponsor Centrebet is expected to enrich the coffers by over a billion dollars on the Gold Coast alone”, he told a selected audience of greedy grubs at Jellymont House today.

ROUND I

THE HARDNOSE TIGERS SEE BLUES COMING.

Richmond took revenge for last year’s Round I drubbing in front of 95,000 fans in Thursday night’s season opener, The Tigers, under rookie Coach Hardwicke, set a new Competition record kicking 12 goals  straight in the Opening Stanza of Season 2010.  Richo, to the delight of the fans at the Punt Road End, returned career best figures of 15-2.

ROUND III

ONE MAN’S FISH IS ANOTHER MAN’S POISON.

Unappreciated at their original clubs, the high profile discards Hall and Akermanis tore the heart out of the 2009 Premiership’s title defence as the Bulldogs went on the rampage.  The Dog’s new 200cm CHF Beanpole Magambo, recruited from the Masai Leapers, took 20 marks and one of his 12 goals was kicked running through the centre square.  Coach Rocket Eade said at the post match conference, “Beanpole is just the first of the recruits we’ve gleaned from our East African grooming program.  The best part of it is that he has 10 brothers and four sisters back home who are twice as good”.

ROUND VII

Despite the Collingwood President insisting the Club will honour its two-year coaching contract with their Senior Coach, the rumours of unrest at the Lexus Centre persist.  Speaking from the Oval Office, he said “We’re all 120% behind Mick.  That we’re wearing togas and carrying 12” Wüsthofs is part of a Roman catering course we’re introducing at the Centre”.

ROUND X

THE FEV NOMINATED FOR MID SEASON DRAFT.

Acting on video footage from CCTV cameras in the ladies toilets at Melbourne’s prestigious Windsor Hotel, Collingwood have finally lost patience with their wayward spearhead and listed him for the Mid Season Draft.  However, there is some speculation as to whether he will be eligible.  As Quentin Bryce was still officially the Queen’s Vice Regal representative at the time of the incident the matter has been referred to London.  A Palace spokesperson said today the Queen was considering the matter, but that a transfer to Tottenham Hotspurs was, at this stage, most unlikely.

ROUND XI

CATS REACH FOR THE BAROCCA

The Premiership Hangover continues down at Sleepy Hollow as they limp to the Mid Season break hanging onto 5th position on percentage.  Rocked by Ablett’s shock retirement – “I only wanted the Brownlow my Old Man couldn’t win” – and hamstring injuries to Chapman and new captain Selwood and persistent groin injuries to Ottens, Johnson, Rorke, Scarlett, Bartel & Stokes, the dream of back to back Pennants fades by the round.

ROUND XIII

LYON QUITS

In an announcement that shook the Football World today, Footy Show anchor Gary Lyon resigned from the long running Channel 9 production.  Stating the damage the infantile antics of the show’s resident clown was doing to his personal brand, the highly regarded ex-Melbourne captain said, “One more week of Sam’s puerile sexism, overt racism and unfounded elitism and I was going to puke on camera.  And let me scotch rumours that I will be taking up the coaching position at Melbourne.  They are scurrilous and unfounded.  I hope Dean Bailey coaches there till Hell freezes over, or at least until they get a decent list”.

ROUND XIV

ADELAIDE COMES TO TOWN

The long awaited clash between the two undefeated teams of 2010 – the Saints and the Crows has been re-scheduled for the Docklands.  AFL Football manager Mad Mullah Anderson, in announcing the change of venue said, “Under our new contractual arrangements with Al Qaeda Stadium this match has been shifted from Adelaide to accommodate the crowd in conditions more conducive to Football.  Since the drought broke during last year’s GF, the non stop rain has turned Football Park into a quagmire and the Murray River is flowing backwards behind the Murray Bridge barrage.  Under the new tax breaks legislation, the League reserves the right to switch games to match cash flows with derivatives and vice versa”.

ROUND XVII

FREO & PORT TO MERGE

Faced with escalating costs of fielding a team and, in Port’s case, the need to relieve the pressure on the playing surface at AAMI Stadium, Fremantle & Port Adelaide have agreed to a merger.  To be known as the Painters & Dockers, their new strip will combine the red, green, purple, teal, black & white of the three founding clubs in a kaleidoscope of colour and design that would make Nimbin High Street look staid.  They will play in rotation at Teo Stadium, Manuka Oval, ANZ Stadium and Aurora Stadium.

ROUND XVIII

GOLD COAST GETS THE COLD SHOULDER

New Queensland labour laws have left the entry of new the Gold Coast based AFL team up in the air.  Called the Nanny Trust Laws and inspired by the uncontrollable rampaging of the state’s NRL players, the new legislation holds earnings from professional football in trust until the players either retire from the game or attain the age of 35.  With interstate players refusing to transfer to Queensland under the restriction of trade loophole, the AFL’s investment in the Meter Maids looks at risk and graffiti calling for Ayatollah Demetriou’s resignation have been sprayed on Jellymont House.

ROUND XIX

FINAL FOUR SETTLED

The smoke began to swirl in the ball here Wrappers, but there were glimpses through the mist of a little dog barking and looking upwards.  He began to run around, still barking and looking up.  He ran past a tree, hesitated for a moment and moved on.  Still barking, still looking skywards.

About John Mosig

I’m an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it’s my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.

Comments

  1. John Butler says:

    TW

    Re the Painters & Dockers, you neglected to indicate who gets to helm this particular vessel.

    Would it be too much to hope Choco, Junkyard & Chuckles Harvey would be instructed to operate in tandem (due to contractual demands)?

    The press conferences would render the actual games irrelevant.

  2. John Mosig says:

    An excellent point you raise JB. Never mind the match. You could sell tickets to those three at the same microphone. But are we alone here at The Wrap in believing the situation is going to get even sillier in 2011 & 2012 when the Meter Maids & the Blue Mountain Inventions join the circus?

  3. John Butler says:

    TW

    Why couldn’t the league come up with Blue Mountain Inventions?

    How do they spend all that money?

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