THE WRAP – ROUND XXIII

WHERE LIFE IMITATES SPORT

What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The Pies, acting on instructions from the RSVPA’s Dr Hugh Wirth, helped euthanize The Long Suffering over at Fremantle.  The Leafblowers were howling as Buddy piled on an unassailable lead in The Coleman while his team introduced Coach Williams to caretaking at the Elite Level.  The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires had their platinum Amex card rejected down at Kardinia Park as Adam Goodes put on the ritz to lead his Beloved Bloods to a convincing win.  The Saints read the last rites on North’s 2011 campaign, and West Coast had to come from behind up under the bangalows.

Come Sunday Bloody Sunday and it was The Tigers 3rd win on the trot and their first and their last on AAMI Park this Century.  The Dees finally racked up a five-goal win in front of 21, 534 underwhelmed Faithful at The G.  And The Gilders found enough air beneath their wings to possibly gift The Chokers The Coveted Sylvan Shield for Season 2011.  (Not to mention save themselves from the ultimate embarrassment of losing to The 2011 Spooners on the eve of their Final’s Campaign – Ed)

BTW, are we the only ones utterly sick & tired of being bombarded at the ground by rolling 50 decibel adverts, crowd interviews & announcements from the PA system?  Having to yell over the ear drumming inanities to preview/review the game with your fellow travellers is more than off-putting.  Getting into casual conversation with Students of The Game seated around you is one of the pleasures of going to the match.  Just another black mark against the gnomes in the bowels of Jellymont House.  And someone should tell the sponsors on the screen that we’ve all tuned off.

Oh Lethal, you mischievous Collingwood Premiership Coach.  Are we being ungenerous when the thought that you may not wish Coach Brewery to eclipse your record at Carringbush with Back-to-Back Flags?  Why else would you suggest that Captain Brownlow would wait in the wings while Mickey milks all the Glory from this current Magpie Outfit?

Not sure if this means anything, but the Qantas computer has had a meltdown from the avalanche of bookings for travel to Bleak City on the TFSIO from ex-pats still calling Australia home.  Our Mumbai informant has been vetting the allegiance of those making the bookings for John The Bookmaker.  JTB has brought The Glen Waverly Hawks right in on the strength of the survey.  Just a straw in the wind?  Or a straw in the wind?  And from the trendy coffee bars & bistros along Glenferrie Road the less than subdued murmur is that they’re Just Taking It One Week At A Time?

Your broadcasting fees at work.  Collingwood have talent scouts on the lookout wherever the game is played.  Good on them, and so what?  This time their own private talent scout was actually on a retainer from the Appalling Football League and a commission for talent delivered to Victoria Park from, should we presume, a Swiss bank account.  That’s right Nurelle; every time you buy a Bacardi Breezer & a carton of fries at the match you’re helping recruit the next Daisy Thomas to Collingwood.  And this is just the one such Carringbush mole that has come to light.  With the potential to blow the member for Dobell off the front page, we earnestly suggest you keep an eye on that space.

Speaking of your broadcasting fees at work, if the Glenferrie Bugle is on the level, the Ayatollah has sought to have him inside then tent pissing out rather than have him outside the tent pissing in.  But Our Jeffrey was a wake up to that one.  His sharp political nose can sense the looming train wreck from an over extended administration having to prop up an artificial competition.  He’ll be outside pissing in.

And did we hear right?  Luke Power has handed in his The Maroon Guernsey to the property steward for the last time?  Like the ranks of WWII PoW veterans, the ranks of Triple Crown Premiership players at The Gabbatoir are thinning.  A true Ornament to The Game, Club & Competition Legend, Loyal Servant of The Club & Favourite Son.  Luke Power, destined for greatness, your desire for the Pigskin has delivered all the above.  Age shall not weary them, Nor the years condemn ….

Maggot Watch – Just when you thought he’d blown his chances, the Little Man with the Big Whistle put in a perfect Beitzel winning performance on Saturday night at the much billed St Kilda-North Melbourne clash.  Some SOTG were heard to say he should have been marked down for consistency.  To The Wrap stringer covering the match that was more than compensated for by Razor Ray’s match long bias against The Roos.  Some of his 50m penalties for running 10cm over the mark were pure petulance.  He never once gave The Shinboners the benefit of the doubt, nor paid them a blatant free within kicking distance.

Invertebrate Watch.  The Star Chamber is again in the spotlight.  How are they going to get one of the Appalling Football League’s main drawcards through to The Finals without looking on a par with the International Cricket Council?  If you’ve not caught up to the footage yet, it will be on the TV review shows tonight.  If it happened down in King Street on a Saturday night the Daisy Cutter would be in remand awaiting a two year term at Fulham Prison.  He ran past the ball to fly, shoulder leading, at the exposed Garrick Ibbotson.  It was a shirtfront Dermie would have been proud of, and one that would have had the Late Great Living Legend, Captain Blood, lamenting that Ibbotson failed to protect himself.  Our verdict – deliberate & premeditated, contact with the head, behind the play – four weeks.  Weigh that against Thomas’ drawing power, his importance to getting Mick & Collingwood Back-to-Back Flags, Eddie’s quiet word with the Ayatollah – 1 week.  Where’s your money?

Mark Webber came in a few seconds behind his teammate in the Belgium Grand Prix, who holds a handy 92 point lead in the Championship with seven races to go..  And Casey Stoner spread the field, coming home with 5 seconds up his sleeve on Honda teammate Dani Pedrosa.  However, he may have offended some of our prickly American cousins when he criticised The Legendary Brickyard.  “I’m not like some other riders who just enjoy tracks because they win there.  I’ve won on most of the circuits we have on the calendar and I can’t honestly say this is better than most of them.  I look at what quality the circuit has rather than just the result.”  Not sure what you’re saying there Casey.  But it doesn’t sound complementary.

Steve Hooker bombed out when he couldn’t get his rhythm right in then run-up.  Don’t worry Steve; you’re in good company.  The Lightening Bolt couldn’t get his going at all when he jumped the gun and was disqualified from the 100 yard dash at the World Championships.  You’d have to suspect John The Bookmaker would be pleased with both outcomes.

But enough of my persiflage, let’s see who’s top of the tree after Round XXIII.

The Fremantle v Carringbush.   Did you hear the one about the skydiver whose chute failed to open?  He lived.  That is, until he hit the ground.  That was Freo on Friday night.  They were in this one, right up to the moment the umpire bounced the ball.  But were we being overly sensitive in our take on the temperature in the Carringbush Coaches’ Box?  And the plural is not a typo.  There they were, Mickey The Maltster & Captain Brownlow.  Side by Side they were stuck together – like a couple of Easter Island godheads.  Fair dinkum, you could have carved the air with a MYKI card.  And it couldn’t happen to a nicer club.  Next week they have The Moggies at The G on Friday night.  Good fixing billing Angry!  For The Stevedores the end came a fortnight ago.  They travel to Bleak City where the other Biggest Disappointment for 2011 delivers the last rites over them on Saturday under cover.  In all honesty, it’s difficult to see any encouragement for the Long Suffering Docker Faithful.  Sure, they’ve got a few youngsters coming on, but in a previous life we ran a produce store down at Mornington, and every trainer with a 90-day in-arrears account had a stable full of those. The Pav & Big Laurie aren’t getting any younger and their midfield is less than solid.  Their scoring options seem limited but the worst bit is that Bomber Harvey hasn’t been able to get them to morph from Flaky Freo to The Dangerous Dockers.  Maybe he’s not destined to.

The Mustard Pots v The Tricolours.  The Family Club has honoured its mutual agreement with Clarko to review the coaching position once the Top Four was settled.  With The Hawks well and truly in it, they re-signed their Pennant Winning Coach until season 2014.  As far as worst kept secrets goes, this one was fairly straight forward.  Around were they TIOWAAT, no one was getting excited.  Nor did too many amongst the 42,198 Pundits & Punters at The G on Saturday.  This was a regulation tune up by The Mustard Pots for September/October.  For The Doggies it was an introduction of their acting coach to the LSWOF.  However, some members of the Playing Group don’t seem to have grasped that they may be playing for their tenure at The Kennel as the shadows draw long over post-Rocket Doggieland.  They host the Fremantle Reserves next Saturday down on the Little Ground at the end of Bourke Street.  The Hawkers slip up to the Metricon Bowl to tone up their suntans for The Finals.

The Pivotonians v The Bloods.  Oops, there goes another lazy mill.  Does this result tell us more about The Bloods or The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires?  Of course Coach Christopher would have it that it was TLWHTH*.  SOTG and Punters are not so sure.  They were of the view that one was the loss against Essendon, or even the one against The Raptors.  The Bagmen have been slow to adjust their boards, but holders of pre-season $11 tickets for a Geelong Flag would be excused for seeking to discount them around at the Tattersalls Club.  And we have to ask ourselves, how much influence did The Bye play in this?  Some SOTG of course are claiming that some of the aging Handbags may have a stitch or three starting to wear a bit thin.  One bite of footage we caught showed Chappy distinctly struggling for pace.  Some of the less generous Students of The Game might even be tempted to call it desire.  And you know what they say down at The Cattery – no Chappy.  No Geelong.  But let’s take nothing away from The Bloods.  They were magnificent.  The transition from Roos to Longmire has been seamless.  (Carringbush take note how calmly and unassumingly this was done – Ed)  Which actually adds a bit of genius to the Appalling Football League’s choice of Coach Mumbles to head the push into Panther Country.  The contrasting styles between the two clubs – GWS & Vaucluse – is as vivid as the socio-economic and ethnic divide that splits Steak & Kidney.  Old Sydney v New Sydney.  That part was always going to work.  Getting real Football into New Sydney is going to be the challenge.  The immediate challenge for The Swans is the up-beat Maroons next Saturday at home in the twilight zone.  For The Pussies, their challenge is a meeting with TRP with the eyes of the Whole Football World upon them.

The Feeling Faints v The Shinboners.  The Sainters brushed aside the doubters in front of 35,848 Faithful.  The sermon was emphatic.  Saint Kilda are BIT.  And can’t that Nasty Milne turn on a thruppence.  And if you want a dark horse for Blondes’ Night, you’d do a lot worse than chalk up #18 for The Seagulls.  You’d go along just to watch them both.  (And St Riewoldt Wrap; don’t forget The Skipper – Ed)  The Shinboners put up a challenge and halfway through the 2nd quarter they headed The Saints by more than three goals.  That was when the slumbering giant awoke and, led by St Riewoldt’s three majors, they went into the long break 14 points to the good.  The rest of the match became a procession, and a very ugly one if you were travelling on the Kangaroo float.  The Roos had everything to lose, and were slated to give The Culture Club a run for their money.  Long before the end of the night it was apparent that Coach Christopher had a long way to go to get his charges to believe they were a frontline team.  They have another twilight test against The Born Again Tigers under cover next Sunday to wind up their frustrating season and to defend Glorious 9th against the rightful holders of the title – The Best Side Out of The Finals.  For The Feeling Faints it’s the Big Stage on Saturday night against The Rattzbaggers.

The Brisbane Lions v The Coasters.  The Homeside won half the quarters on offer, but failed to give Luke Power the fairy tale ending he so justly deserved.  The Weagles, as good teams are expected to do, won this one in a thrilling Final Stanza in front of 13,500 die hard fans.  True, the match was competing with the Bedisloe Cup and it had been raining cane toads all day, but it was the Brisbane Faithful’s chance to say well done to a team that is in transition and most certainly on the right track under Boss Voss.  They’ll be back next season and all the better for this one.  Vossy has found his coaching legs and planted both feet squarely on The Gabba Turf.  He has a bunch of recruits coming on and a trip to The Gabbatoir in 2012 will be something Marissa Martin will be filming for Animals Australia.  They have trip down to Legoland to close off their encouraging season and to get out of that beautiful-one-day, perfect-the-next climate they’re stuck with up there. The Weagles finish their Home & Away Season back in Perth on Saturday night against The Mighty Adelaide Croweaters.  They may have got out of gaol this week, but GTWTCO.  They have an injury cloud over big Coxie, and Josh Kennedy, if he want to play against his old team in September, has to convince the invertebrates at the Star Chamber that he was trying to get something out of Golby’s eye.

The Pride of South Australia v The Tigers.  This is the 2nd time in as many weeks that The Tigers have had to dig deep for come from behind wins.  True, they were against teams with caretaker coaches, but you can only beat who you play.  This match started as a shootout, which The Chardonnays won.  Leading by a couple of goals at the 1st break, they were nearly three goals to the good at the mid-match interval.  Halfway through the Championship Quarter it was The Pride of South Australia by four goals and the Vitriolic Adelaide Mob were baying like hounds on a scent.  With another flogging on Footy Park staring them in the face, The Tigers surged.  Once they got their kicking boots on the pendulum swung.  Make no mistake, Struggletown is Back In Town, and as Mrs Wrap said over this morning’s porridge, they’re a FTBRW**.  They have The Shinboners next week in a challenge to see who finishes TBSOOTF.  For The Crows it’s a trip to Perth to finish their Annus Horribilis against Eddie The Eagle’s Mob.

The Fuchsias v The Sunbeams.  You’d think the Redleg Faithful would have turned out to send The Lads off for their last match at THOF for 2011.  They could have accommodated the 21,534 that bothered to rock along out at Casey Fields parked around the ground in their Rollers & Bentleys.  Not good enough Chaps.  Someone’s going to have to put some stick about to conjure up a little rousing support where Hearts Beat True.  And their team’s on-field performance was as lacklustre as their Supporters’ support.  Maybe things will be better once united under a new coach.  Who this new coach will be is anybody’s guess.  It’s been rumoured the selection panel has been wining & dining some pretty big names, which raises the point,  that should they not successfully seduce the likes of the already married Mickey The Maltster or Rossy Lyon, how will the eventual bride feel about being 2nd or 3rd choice?  Tune in to Footy Confidential tonight for Kero to arrow in the tough ones.  Can we review the Metermaids’ 2011 Season now?  It’s not going to change next week.  Firstly, they’ve done better than your average mug punter expected them to do.  And those Bagmen who paid out on The Sunbeams to win the Spoon must be kicking themselves.  Perhaps they cleaned up so big on them going through the season without a win was playing on their mind, and the recurring nightmares of dozens of bagmen stuck in the eye of a needle alongside a camel prompted them to unburden their remorse.  The youngsters showed some promise, and the three times they were given a sniff they took it.  They’ll be better for the run, and the young bodies and minds will harden to the task.  Next season they’ll come under pressure to move up The Ladder, and with The Western Sydney Mothers coming in through The Cellar Door plus the normal assortment of basket cases already in the Cellar, this seems an achievable challenge given the quality of their list.

The Bombers v The Chokers.  To tank or not to tank is one question.  When to stop tanking is the one that they should be asking out at Tullamarine.  The whole Football World held its collective breathe as The Chokers slipped nearly six goals up on The Tankers at the 11 minute mark of the Final Stanza.  Could we be looking at the Boilover of all Boilovers?  But it has to be said: GTWTCO.  But the tough questions have to be asked.  Was Essendon’s performance just another treat of the Whingy Hill Over Confidence that we’ve come to love and admire from them over the years?  Or are they genuinely running out of puff just before the Finals?  They’ll have no chance to play themselves into form next week as they have The Bye, which they wouldn’t be expected to lose.  However, it has been noticed throughout The Football Universe that The Bye isn’t the rest it’s cracked up to be.  The Power are still in limbo.  As agonizing as the loss would have been, it must have helped their Self Belief to some degree.  They host The Fuchsias next Sunday and will be keen to avoid The Coveted Timber Trophy.

This week it’s The Bombers who’ll be in the hangar.

Hope your team gave you value over the weekend, and hope for the future.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap, you’ll know it’s not crap.

There’s been some controversy over Good One Shaaaaane’s mawkish vow to Lizzy H.  It appears it’s been around as many times as the Spin Doctor himself.  Some of the pop plagiarists that have had their lips read standing next to it are Shing Xiong, Maya Angelou, Hilary Cooper & Tim Hortons.  Who are they?  Well may you ask.  We lifted them from Quoteland.com, along with the following.  (Honestly, we had no idea that quotes had such a following.  This is a whole new world and may just help us through the ever-looming Long Dark Summer)

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but moreover by the number of breaths that take your life away” is the CORRECT quote.

The Author wrote this in the mid to late 1970’s for Carleton Cards, a Canadian card company.  Back in the day, Carleton employed “contractors”, (who) were paid a pittance to write a ditty for a greeting card.  The author sold it away for under a dollar, copyright included.  It has been attributed as anon because Carleton never had a clue that millions would find this quote so important and… the university student who wrote it was just another kid trying to make some dollars. 

Today ,the author is well aware of the irony of his words…. thousands of dollars have been made off of this quote.  He made a quarter.

So Good One, you’re in solid company.

* TLWHTH – The Loss We Had To Have

** FTBRW – Force To Be Reckoned With

About John Mosig

I’m an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it’s my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.

Comments

  1. I reckon Freo has got plenty to look forward to; the midfield is flaky because we’ve never been able to get the A class midfield up and running. Sandliands and Zac Clarke rucking to Mundy, Morabito, Barlow (a trio who have missed a collective 44 games out of a possible 66 this year) kicking to a forward line of Pavlich, Mayne, Ballantyne, Walters Bradley is a great prospect. I’m excited* anyway

    *or maybe I’m just deluded,

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