THE WRAP – ROUND XVII

WHERE LIFE IMITATES SPORT

What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The Not The Brisbane Bombers came from behind to keep Coach Craig at the top of the leader board over in the City of Churches.  The Sainters honoured Yabby’s memory with a solid win against The Coasters.  Collingwood Upheld The Magpies’ Name to win comfortably, if not resoundingly, while at the far flung extremities of the Football Homeland The Tigers rolled over and copped a good Suntanning and The Dees set The Basket Cases up for The Coveted Timber Trophy.

Come Sunday and it was The Barry Crockers who won the Eight Pointer up in Sin City to consolidate their September Credentials.  The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires fell in against The Emerging Lions, and North found another barrel or three of the Magic Elixir.

You’d have to think John Wren is spinning in his grave wouldn’t you?  They’ve rubbed out a Carringbush player for laying a $10 bet!!!  And fined the Carringbush Captain for putting his family on a good thing!!!  What’s the world coming to?  And you’d be excused for asking how sensitive is this sniffer dog the Appalling Football League put on the trail that it can pick up a $130 in bets?  Are we the only ones to suspect we’re not being told the full story?  You’d reckon it must have gone viral to shorten from $101 to $26.  And if it was violently viral you’d reckon The Bagmen would have suspended betting and gone running to Jellymont House to appeal to the Appalling Football League for  reassurance that they wouldn’t be out of pocket.  But the big question would have to be – what if Maxie had kicked the first goal?  The pronouncement from the Oval Office was statesman like – “We accept full responsibility and we applaud the AFL, while at the same time letting them know that Collingwood play in Black & White Vertical stripes”.

Hands up those who feel Angry Adrian’s reaction has been a little bit despotic?  Eight weeks and $20K for a $10 spur of the moment shared bet with a mate?  And it could cost someone a Flag too.  In the words of The Immortal Yabby Jeans when faced with the Bruns-Matthews incident on World of Sport – “Let’s not be too self righteous about this”.  Look, this wasn’t match fixing and, although in the eyes of some zealots it was a crime, it was hardly organized.  A spur of the moment $10 bet for krist sakes – out of the entertainment budget of a $400K a year footballer.  Four weeks would have been plenty.  Let the punishment fit the crime.

And who’s to say that rubbing Shaw out of the Collingwood backline isn’t tampering with the Premiership Favourites anyway?  (Do you mean match rigging Wrap? – Ed)

STOP THE PRESS!!!!  There’s more coming out about the Collinggate Scandal.  It appears that Tyson Goldsack’s Mum extracted $400 from The Bagmen last year when her Darling Tyson booted the 1st major of the GF re-match.  Acting on inside information she invested $5 on the aforesaid outcome after Tyson told her that he would be playing forward when he called to pick up his washing.  Now that’s not bad going, picking up a $5 bet, or even worrying about it.  Wouldn’t The Bagmen clean up big if the whole Collingwood side were to be suspended, eh?  Watch this space

And now questions are being asked about what those Magpie stars were up to over in the US mid season.  Not that this column or any other column has come out in print, or has any firm evidence, but you ask any taxi driver.  And we’re told some Chartered Accountants are onto it too.

English as a first language – This week’s contribution comes from the Collingwood President.  Talking on Great Southern Grandstand about discussions with Mick Malthouse two years ago regarding his coaching future at the Lexus Centre, he mentioned the kumbaya moment.  The kumbaya moment Eddie?  It was a new one on us, and we suspect quite a few others, so we looked it up.  We came across two definitions.

1. when management tries to create camaraderie amongst employees through a group activity, usually involving food and or drink.  I would really like to skip that lunch meeting, but I know the boss is looking forward to that kumbaya moment. I really hope we don’t have to sing.

2. a naive feeling that all is good; a feeling that utopia has come down and all will be fine.  When Gillard signed the carbon tax, a kumbaya moment enveloped the ALP, and their eyes shone like rabbits’ in the spotlight.

Not sure which one fits the moment you were waiting for Eddie, nor whether it has arrived for you yet – but one thing’s for sure after your homily on public relations, Oval Office style, no matter how firmly you link arms with Mick & Bucks and belt out Side By Side We Stand Together, it just won’t be as convincing as it was a fortnight ago.

As is our custom, we missed the Footy Show on Thursday night.  Nurelle told us Mick said something profoundly thoughtful along the lines that the caravan wasn’t yet out of the woods yet and the ox was slowly moving through the bakery.  Surely this deeply felt and eloquently expressed philosophy hasn’t triggered all the media hype over the weekend.

Are we alone in wondering the extent of the damage to the shooting on goal the Coca Cola kicking advert is having?  You know the one in which a bunch of South Melbourne players aim at a can of coke mounted halfway up a goal post.  We counted eight posters at The G on Saturday Arvo and heaps more through the round at other venues.  The Rattbagger Faithful would have wished they could have moved the goalposts around on Saturday.  The Playing Group may have collected a six pack of the corrosive dark brown fluid, but they forfeited 30 sleazy joints while doing it.

Maggot Watch – It was hard to split them.  The Three blind mice adjudicating at The G on Saturday Arvo each gave a Beitzel Medal winning performances in front of 85,936 totally confused Footy Fans.  Digger had an apoplectic fit every time the ball left Judd’s hands.  Look, we know the old coot has been following Collingwood for 107 years, but we couldn’t see Judd’s hands move either.  Let alone one of them being clenched.  And we’re using a pair of 30 x 8 Zeiss.  They brought in the Barlett Rule to prevent Hungry from bouncing the ball when tackled.  How about it Geisha – when are we going to see the Judd Judgement on the bottom hand handpass?

 

Not sure what Cadel’s up to.  All the SBS commentators say he’s sitting one out and one back, but to the uninitiated he seems to be treading water.  Someone who is definitely not treading water is The Wallabies.  They’re positively drowning.  We looked up the guidebook.  Samoa – population 180,000, most of whom live in New Zild.  And you though The Saggy Greens were in trouble.

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see who’s going to have feathers to preen after Round XVII.

The Pride of South Australia v The Not The Brisbane Bombers.  The Chardonnays led at every change, but forgot that the only quarter at which to be front of at the siren was the one after which you go back to the rooms.  For the 2nd week in a row The Gliders came back from the death to post a Famous Victory on a ground that has been far from a happy hunting for them.  There are some out there in the Football World who have suggested the Dons have been overtrained, but whatever the regime is out at Bomberland, it’s seen them come through the last three weeks with colours flying.  The much maligned Academy Award nominee Angus Monfries led the charge in the 2nd half.  The Young Crows were on fire early but the loss of Graeme Johncock’s leadership was telling.  The Bombers have the Miseries next Saturday night on the hallowed Turf.  For The Chardies it’s The Feeling Faints to open proceedings under cover.

The Tigers v The Sunbeams.  Two trips to the tropics for two losses against the two bottom sides.  Read into that what you will.  The humidity of the Top End earlier in the year and the howling south easterly trade winds along the coral coast may have played their part in Richmond’s demise, but both sides faced the same environment.  To say otherwise would be to admit The Tigers beat themselves.  And this may well be the case.  Jack is in the horrors, most likely carrying an injury, and Dusty Martin has hardly been sited since The Sage wrote him up as the next big thing.  (Well, he has gone up three beanie sizes – Ed)  But let’s not take anything away from The Suns.  Of all the teams that can use the excuse that they have a young playing group that will take time to develop, this is the one that can look you in the eye while they’re saying it.  No one expected miracles, but to avoid the Coveted Sylvan Shield would have to rate up there with any of Mary McKillop’s efforts.  They’ll need the help of St Jude for their next mission – Carringbush on Saturday night.  They’ve managed to drag The Pies off the MCG, which in itself is a minor miracle.  For The Jungle Fleabags it’s an equally daunting task – Handbags at 50 paces early on the Sunday down at The Dumb.

The Miseries v The Woodsmen. The Woodsmen should have had this one home and dusted at the 1st change of ends.  2-6 is bad kicking and as even the ankle biters in Fitzy’s NAB Draft Camp would tell you, BKIBF.  Thirteen goals 20 is match losing football.  (Not if you’re playing Calton though – Ed)  But let it be said here and now – it’s going to cost someone a premiership one day.  (It already has Wrap.  Check out the 1949 results Essendon 7-27 in a drawn GF.  Melbourne thumped them in the replay.  Geelong’s 11-23 in 2008 would be another one.  And how about North’s 8-22 v Adelaide in 1998.  The best one would have to be Collingwood’s 9-24 in 1980.  But even if they’d kicked 24-9 that fateful LSIS they still would have lost – Ed)  Although The Pies led at every change, this was a thriller.  The Silvertails always looked dangerous, especially when they got loose, but The Maggies just had too much class all around the ground.  Judd and Swan had plenty of ball but Juddie’s 23 contested possessions would have earned him the Three Votes.  He kept The Blues in the contest and showed why he gets paid a truckload to polish the brass nameplate at Raheen.  And hasn’t Daisy Thomas come on?  He’s one of the Keep Mick at The Lexus Centre splinter group too.  The Pies get a turn at The Metermaids next Saturday night up in Wally World.  The RattzBaggers have their old pals from Whingy Hill on Saturday night on The Big Stage.

The Feeling Faints v The West Coast Eagles.  Oh to be in St Kilda now that Football’s here.  What do you have to do to be dragooned into The Long Suffering Junction Oval Faithful?  Fair dinkum, this mob have you die the death of a thousand cuts every week.  Nevertheless, they dropped The High Flying Eagles in a couple of bursts of Pressure Football.  Which it should be said, is their way down at The Culture Club.  Brendon Goddard would have piled on another three Brownlow votes but Nasty Milne only snared three snaggers.  Good to see Kossy & the Iconic Zac back in form.  Next Friday night we’ll find out if their Footy team is BIT when they host The Pride of South Australia.  The Weagles had their purple patch and The Junction Oval Seagulls looked gone for all money midway through the match.  But when The Visitors took their eye off the ball The Saints were in like Flynn.  The Coasters have the Western Derby next Sunday to close proceedings.

The Fuchsias v The Chokers up in the Top End tomorrow night.  As inconsistent as The Redlegs are, they were able to bring home the bacon from far flung Darwin.  They had Port breathing down their necks for most of the night before they pulled away in the Championship Quarter.  But just to let you know that they’re at best a Mediocre Side they coughed up a six goal citrus huddle lead when a percentage bonus was there for the taking.  They have their old merger aspirants from across the River on Sunday at the traditional time.  The Tealers have the rest.

Steak & Kidney v The Barry Crockers. Despite the efforts of Hyphen Thompson, The Bloods couldn’t turn a seven goal three quarter time deficit into a Famous Victory.  Instead, the Famous Victory went to The Purple Horde.  This has given them renewed Self Belief and 6th position on The Premiership Table, one game and percentage behind their Crosstown Rivals.  They get a chance to address some of that imbalance next Sunday in the late one.  It has to be said, The Lakers haven’t been their usual tenacious selves of late.   They slip to 8th behind Essendon on percentage and a game & percentage ahead of Melbourne & Saint Kilda.  They have The Doggies on the Other Cricket Ground next Saturday at the traditional time.

The Bad News Bears v The Handbags. Boss Voss’s Bad News Bears signalled that a trip to The Gabbattoir is not a picnic under the palms with a take home pack of Four Points plus percentage.  Big Bad Jonathon Brown may not be 21 anymore as Vossy reminded us, but he’s still an influence and it takes two defenders to make sure he doesn’t run amok.  His loss was huge in the context of the match.  In the end it was experience that was the difference between the two sides.  The Moggies had handbags full of it, The Emerging Lions, once their Captain was stretchered off, had two of their Glory Days players left on the paddock.  The Pussies have The Endangered Species under cover for the early one on Sunday.  The Maroons are under cover too, as guests of The Shinboners on Saturday Arvo.

North Melbourne v Footscray.  The Life Giving Spirit was overflowing as The Shinboners kept their season alive and may have buried The Doggies for 2011, and Rocket Eade’s career at Whitten Oval.  The rebound from a gargantuan humiliation should have been anticipated, but The Scrays must have thought they were home and dried when they were five goals up just before the 1st break.  The 10 goal turn around would have flattened TLSWOF but to their credit The Sons of The West fought their way back into the contest and for the 1st 10 minutes of the Final Stanza the match hung in the balance as the protagonists slugged it out goal for goal.  It was The Tricolours who threw in the towel and now have to take the Spirit of Progress up to Tinseltown for a Saturday Afternoon clash with another September/October Aspirant.

This week it’s The Chokers who have a much needed rest.

Hope your team gave you value over the weekend, and hope for the future.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap, you’ll know it’s not crap.

 

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.

Comments

  1. John Butler says:

    TW

    Perhaps the bookies were most worried that the betting market was so small a few bets could shift the odds that much?

    Not quite the image of they wish to project perhaps?

  2. Wrapster,

    regarding young Tom Cat ( last week) I was encouraged to see him get into the game. Still a work in progress, but good that at this time it is still at Catland.

    See how he goes this week if they believe he has done enough to stay in.

    Will you be there? My Tiger brother will neet some words of comfort from a fellow distraughtee.

  3. John Mosig says:

    Could be Phanto. If you haven’t bought your seats yet how do, you feel about getting one for me as well and I can either I’ll fix you up on the night or transfer the dosh to your account?

    BTW, the tom toms are belting out the message across the Deep Woods – It is safer to look into the eyes of 10 Angry Phantoms than the eyes of the Beleaguered Tiger.

    In fact the tough waterside bars of Morristown are abuzz with the news that the Unknown Commander in Chief will be making an entrance through the secret passage to leave the new Richmond game plan in the safe.

    Pradas at 50 paces is starting to sound like a game that’s not too far at all.

  4. Phantom says:

    My brother scored a couple of tickets to Medallion Club from a mate some time ago and we can’t get any more. That is a shame. I am sure that you and he would have a fair bit to talk about.

    What can be done?

  5. johnharms says:

    What would John Wren say?

    I have mixed feelings about all this. As I mentioned elsewhere, I’d love to be in the know.

  6. John Mosig says:

    About getting into the Medallion Club or catching up? I’m a card carrying member of TLSPRF if that’s any help, but I think it’s your home game isn’t it. I don’t mind paying at the gate to get into the ground. If that’s what you had in mind.

    Otherwise, I’m self employed so my time’s pretty much my own. I’m away till the end of next week. How are you blokes set after that?

    And Harmsie, allow me to un-mix your feelings. When the North Melbourne President discloses that Tyson Goldsack’s Mum had a five on her son kicking the first goal in the GF replay you can bet your last drachma there’s more to it than meets the eye.

    Or there’s nothing there at all and what we’ve seen thus far is the sum of it. Look, if the Bagmen’s sniffer dogs can hone in on a $5 wager made by a little old lady, the only punters they’ll let bet on these longshots are the money launderers.

  7. No doubt about John Wren’s preference – he ran a tote, he wasn’t a bookie. No risk of losing that way. The Tote sets the odds after the race starts not when the bets are placed. Like Eddie, JW wanted the inside running every step of the way. “Never give the mugs an even chance” was Wren’s motto. He only every had his own dosh on certainties and fixes (in sport, politics, business and crime – what’s the difference anyway?).
    Turnover is the name of the game when your take is fixed from the outset. The more the merrier. Heath, Granny Maxwell and the money launderers would all have been welcome the way JW ran his business. Plus ce Change……

  8. PS The Wrap and Pre Wrap are a highlight of the week for me. Consistently witty and insightful – which is a very high standard to maintain Wrapster – thanks.
    Just can’t understand why you are getting nervous about Cadel now. I am increasingly a believer this time, because the Schlecks and Contador would have taken every opportunity to assert their superiority in the Pyrenees if they were travelling well.
    Leads me to think that they have a few niggles. This is a Leyton/Ivanisevic year, not a Federer/Nadal year. One for the battlers and the chancers – so Cadel is our man come the time trial. He will hang on like granny’s tooth over the Alps. Blow them away on the flat, and hold his nerve on the cobblestones.
    Remember – if you heard it from the Coast, Cadel’s got em on Toast (copyright Wrap Enterprises – your royalty is in the mail after Sunday night)

  9. John Mosig says:

    Hope you’re right about Our Cadel PB. I keep thinking about the Australian psyche – a la Ron Clarke.

    ….. plus ça reste pareil

    And thanks for the kind words

  10. John Mosig says:

    Cadel !!!!! Go you Aussie Good Thing. Put a gap in ’em.

  11. Phantom says:

    Contador made the break and took the down hill risk only to have young Cadel catch him at the line, and…………..

    if that dam ‘Eyetalian’ hadn’t left his drive way gate open allowing Voekler to stay in the race when he missed a bend Cadel would be in the Yellow Jersey

  12. John Mosig says:

    Don’t worry Phanto – Cadel will slam the gate on him tonight.

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