What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The Team of The Mighty West drove another nail into The Coffin of South Australia as they overhauled and eventually ran away from them on Friday night.  The Leafblowers were roaring in the Leafy East as their heroes demolished The Little Rays of Sunshine down at Yawk Park and The Tiges eventually pulled away from the other representative of the Bananaland Republic up under the palms.  Geelong had St Kilda’s measure all night and North kicked a lot straighter than The Marshmallows to notch a comfortable win over the team that denied them their first VFL/AFL Pennant back in 1950.

Come Sunday and The Dees kicked The Sweep as they demolished Flaky Freo.  Carlton stamped their authority on a Top Four candidature, and West Coast did the same with a lazy effort over in Perth.

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see who cut the mustard in Round XIII.

The Kennel Coughs v The Pride of South Australia.  From the opening bounce – or ball down as they call it over in the City of Light – The Chardonnays hit the ball hard.  It paid off handsomely.  By the 1st change they’d booted 6-2 to 2-4 and Rocket would have been seeing his coaching life flash before his eyes.  The Chardies mustered only 4-8 for the rest of the match and it was Neil Craig’s turn to hear the deathly dirge of the Coaches’ Carousel.  The Scrays piled on 12-12 in the same three stanzas.  But fair dinkum, you wouldn’t have either of these two in a mutton stew, let alone your Final Eight.  And how many of us have over the last two seasons?  They’re bound to trouble a few sides for the remainder of the year, but will only be shaping The Eight from outside it.  With The Handbags down at Podsaidly Park next Sunday the shades are set to be drawn at West Beach as they decide when would be a good time for the Inscrutable Coach Craig to fall on his sword.  Rocket gets some respite against The Metermaids up in Theme World on the Saturday.

The Hawks v Gen Next down in Lonny tomorrow night.  The Young Hawks continue to impress.  Savage, Bruest, Shiels & Suckling are hardly your household names but were in the top 10 possession winners for The Mayblooms.  That The Hawks doubled The Suns’ score was marred by the fact that their opponents managed to double their own score in the Final Stanza.  With percentage likely to play a vital role in the Final Eight, it could be said they allowed a golden opportunity slip.  If they’d held The Metermaids to their quarterly scoring average of 10 points their take home percentage bonus – on top of the four points – would have been 300%.  Probably more as they would most likely had more of the ball and more scoring opportunities.  In the end they settled for a percentage for the match of 222.  The Hawthorn trainers didn’t have to trot out the stretcher this week but there’s no doubt Coach Clarko would have love to have had Big Buddy stretchered off after Maverick Weller ran into his (Buddy’s) elbow.  It’s likely that the 3rd Quarter brain fade will leave The Squawkers facing Essendon next Friday with both key forwards looking on.  The Suns slip home to prepare the rooms of their new stadium for Rocket’s Hangdog Outfit.

The Lions v The Tigers up under the palms.  The Tiges got up in the end after a three goal power display in two minutes when the games was there to be won.  Not the convincing win TLSPRF had been wanting, but a five goal win is a five goal win.  Their mid field continues to impress and Tyrone Vickery is shaping as the foil for Jumping Jack.  And if don’t argues counted as Brownlow votes, Dusty Martin would be leading daylight down the home straight right now.  And hasn’t that Bachar Houli proved an excellent pick-up for The Tiges.  I’ll bet all the smart punters out at Whingy Hill have him in their Dreamteam, eh?  The Maroons can take heart from their effort, although the lack of discipline, while it got the home crowded going, would have had SOTG shaking their heads.  The days of start the fight and finish the game started to die back in the 70s when Neil Balme KOed Geoff Southby in the 73 GF, and came to an end in the 1989 GF in the Yates/Brereton incident.  (It didn’t always work out in favour of the aggressor – see 1965 Preliminary Final Coll v Ess when Duncan Wright dropped Essendon’s John Somerville like a stone before the ball had been bounced– Ed)  But we digress.  The Tiges have the battle of The Co-tenants next Saturday at the Traditional Time.  The Roy Boys have to hot foot it over to Patersons Curse to face Freo.

The Marshmallows v The Shinboners. Bad luck or the vengeance of the Football Gods?  The Bombers found themselves a couple of players short once again, once again made a fist of it, and once again fell short.  Giving an accomplished opponent such as North Melbourne a four goal lead to the 1st Huddle wouldn’t have helped the demeanour in the Whingy Hill Coaching Box either.  The Shinboners saw off a desperate last quarter Marshmallow challenge and have now strung four wins together on the trot and sit half a game and percentage outside The Eight.  With Daniel Wells repaying the faith Arden Street have shown in him all these years, a string of youngsters slotting into the side and Drew Petrie back in the goal square they face The Chokers over there for the late one next Sunday.  They may not have to worry about how they’re going to fit Toddie Goldstein on the team bus either.  He booked himself an invitation to the Star Chamber on Tuesday.  The Poor Old Bombers have Archrival and Blood Enemy Hawthorn on The Hallowed Turf to open proceedings for Round XIV.

St Kilda v The Moggies. Just how good is this Sleepy Hollow Mob?  Can anyone see any sign of the hole Gazza’s departure left?  In fact what you do see is a born-again Greatest Team of All with a bunch of youngsters coming up through the ranks of The Moggies’ next Premiership side.  The only hole to be seen was the one The Feeling Faints have fallen into.  Be assured, it gives us no pleasure to write this, but Saint Kilda are gone.  St Riewoldt looks troubled and apart from Big McEvoy, none of the others – OK, OK, apart from Big McEvoy & Nick Del Santo – are showing any consistency.  Even Brendan Goddard seems distracted.  They should be OK next round when they have the bye, but they test themselves against The Norsemen in Round XV.  The hotels & motels of the Central Goldfields will be hanging out the “No Vacancy” shingle next weekend when The Mighty Adelaide Crows take on The Pussies down at The Cattery next Sunday for the early one.

The Fuchsias v The Barry Crockers.  One win doth not a September make.  But try telling them that where Hearts Beat True.  While the optimism around the Long Table may be a shade premature, it’s not too early to question Fremantle’s September Credentials.  They kicked 8-12 (60) on a blustery but dry day and looked anything but a Final Eight Contender.  True, they had some rotten luck with injuries, but good sides overcome that.  (Even mediocre sides.  Look at Essendon – Ed)  And it wasn’t as though they lost by a couple of kicks or a bad maggoting call or anything.  They were The Visitors on the Fred Hesse Annihilation Scoreboard.  It would not be doing them a disservice to say they rolled over in the last quarter with a paltry 1-2 to the Redlegs’ 8-5.  The Fuchsias get a chance to establish their September rating in the Battle for Glorious Ninth next Saturday Arvo against The Rampaging Tigers.  The Barry Crockers slink home to await the arrival of The Bad News Bears on the Saturday night.

The Silvertails v The Lakers.  Are we witnessing the Silvertail Revival?  Can we salivate over a Carlton Collingwood Grand Final?  Is the Pope an Eskimo?  But they did look awesome with six majors in 10 minutes didn’t they?  They’re playing inspired Footy and are brimming with Self Belief.  The mortgage on the Legendary Stand has been put aside for the moment and Black Jack Elliott has been offered an under cover seat for the remainder of the season including a final’s game.  Coach Rattz is still learning on the job, but he’s learning fast.  Real fast.  And at a club with a culture of making the most of a dominant ruckmen – Ken Hands, Chooka Howell & Big Nick just to name a few – the return of the Big Kreuzer has made a difference.  Having sorted one September Pretender, they have a chance to geld another on Sunday when they invite The Coasters across to play some indoor Footy.  The Lakers came back at The Blues, as all good sides do, but it was all too little too late.  The bottom line is they didn’t have enough players to cover Carlton’s quality line-up.  (You’re not angling for Silvertail Bandwagon tix are you Wrap? – Ed)  They get a chance to regroup against The Rested Magpies at Opes Prime Oval next Saturday night.

The Coasters v The Chokers.  The outcome went as expected, the methodology no quite so.  Although it should be said that The Weagles’ poor shooting on goal kept The Visitors in the contest far longer than they deserved.  Josh Kennedy continues to control the forward line and will no doubt to be keen to impress his old club when they meet in the Match of The Round next Sunday on the Shifting Sands of Docklands.  Port have North at home.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

Not sure where this one fits in, but the Laurence J. Peters once said –

Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speak you’ll ever regret.

And with a heap of weddings coming up, my favourite over the next couple of months will be expressed in the thoughts of Fran Lebowitz –

Polite conversation is rarely either.


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. johnharms says:


    Times Literary Supplement Preferred Reporter of Football


    The Long-Suffering Punt Road Fan?

  2. John Mosig says:

    The Long Suffering Punt Road Faithful Harmsie. Although there are signs that it is about to end, the suffering that is.

    Or maybe it’s going to become worse, driven by anticipation.

  3. johnharms says:


    I really thought that the AFL had Richmond in mind when going to the 17-side comp. It puts the Tiges magnificently in the middle when ninth.

  4. John Mosig says:

    If it’s any help to you Harmsie, I was right behind the Punt Road goal when Freddie Swift took that match saving mark. Only I and the rest of the Richmond Cheer squad now the truth. And we’re not saying.

  5. Phantom says:

    I was at that Game and I know the truth too Wrapster. Thats what the roung six result against the Tiggers in 2007 was all about.

    I also know the truth about why the Tiggers have not done so well since 1980.
    And I will endulge myself to tell the world.

    My brother, who is what can only be described as a fully fledged card carrying Richmond Nut, woke up on the 1980 grand final morning with a skocking thought (shocking to him and supporters of ten other clubs anyway).

    What if it is us who finally lose to Collingwood in a grand final? Uuuurrrggh!

    So he did what any well balanced Richmond Nut would do. He called upon the assistance services of a higher authority, who for a brief period, he decided to believe in. He was desperate.

    Here’s the deal God. Just please let us please beat Collingwood today and I don’t care if we never ever win another one. Just let us win THIS one.

    The rest is history.

  6. John Mosig says:

    He mightn’t have been the only one Phanto. Ask him to join us. We’re forming a collective consciousness group to channel Richard Dawkins so we can get this mess sorted out.

  7. Phantom says:

    He might be pleased to hear that John, he has been suffering in solitude for years now believing it was his fault alone.

    When he asked me how long the deal would last I said you might get 100 years for suffering. He moaned.

    Is it true that Fred Swift was that far over the boundary that he needed a pass out to get back into the ground to take the kick?

  8. John Mosig says:

    The mark was in the field of play. But don’t take my word for it, ask anyone in the Cheer Squad.

    And you’d have to believe your own Brother wouldn’t you Phanto?

  9. Phantom says:

    I must have gone to a different game than the Hawks / Suns fixture discussed at the tribunal.

    I was at the one where Buddy Franklin intentionally raised his elbow and hit a young player in the head as he ran past him after the player had disposed with the ball. That’s what I saw live and on replays.

    Apparently there was another match where Buddy unintentionally put a soft bump on a player who saw it coming and protected his head. That’s apparently what the match review committee saw.

    Our game is corrupt. The AFL can no longer deny it.

  10. John Butler says:

    But I bet you aren’t complaining about Corey getting off Phantom?

  11. Phantom says:

    I am surprised that he did get off JB. There will eventually be a need to look at the tackle rule. The tackle will go out of the game. They are not being always rewarded and the game is becoming like Rugby with lose scrums every where. They need to stop that by immediately paying a free that is there and allowing the game to go on.

    I am thinking of writing a 2,000 word essay for the AFL Record about the state of the game in 2022 under Andrew’s direction of using imagination. If the rule change incompetents, vested interest mob and other twits continue it will be a very different situation. We have a little uneducated AFL Tasmania twerp running about the State talking about growing our product. It is bull shit but that is very good for growing products.

    My essay will of course probably incite a contract on me but it will be well researched. I will at least have the opportunity to let them know they don’t have every one by the short and curlies.

    I saw one game live and a few on telly last weekend due to the winter chill outside and the quality and consistency of umpiring is alarming. I suppose it is consistent; consistently poor. I saw a Cats player trip a Saint and it was called play on. I saw many throws that umpire s did also and there was play on. And on and on and on……….

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