The Pre-Wrap – Round XVIII

THE PRE WRAP – ROUND XVIII

FOR THE PHILOSOPHICAL MARNGROOK FAN

And what week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  Richmond & North coughed up enough to pay for the Ayatollah’s Olympic sojourn, and Clarko met the Little League official who is destined to replace Angry Adrian as head of the Appalling Football League’s football department.  (What an experience that must have been – Ed)

There was a letter in The Sage this morning suggesting the Broadsheet run a colouring competition for the Guernsey Travis Cloke will be wearing next year.  It might be interesting to see what’s about now that the word has come down from the Oval Office that Carringbush are no longer underwriting his career.

Some amongst our Olympians are still labouring under the delusion that anybody cares about what’s playing out in their personal journey.  It might be better if the Fourth Estate stopped giving their petty grievances the oxygen they need to blaze into public consciousness in the first place.  And how much are we to blame?  Making celebs of these morons only encourages them.  If you want titillation, try brushing the soles of your feet with a feather.  Or digout your old Debbie Does Dallas tape.

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see who’s going to be around to preen after Round XVIII

The Human Hamstrings v The Family Club at The Black Hole of Victoria Harbour tonight.  Out in foothills of the Blue Dandenongs, The Hawks are taking it One Week @ a Time.  This week they’re taking The Gliders.  Where they’ll take them is anyone’s guess.  Ours is that they’ll take them to the heights, then drop them like a broken plaything.  No disrespect to Whingy Hill meant here, but we have to call it the way we see it.  They are sadly depleted in manpower & spirit.  Two huge thumping’s by The Feeling Faints & Geelong over the last three weeks testifies that this is a season too far for The Hamstrings.  And it’s good that their coach hates Hawthorn, because nothing’s going to change overnight.  The Mayblooms have hit form at the right end of the season and are on fire.  Their efficiency rate is second to none.  The Bagmen have The Visitors at $1.20, but you’ll be offered more to leave the comfort zone of a straight out win/lose investment.  The trick in estimating the margins is guessing the line on which to place the tobacco money.  The Bombers are far from being in free fall, but they shouldn’t win this one.  The safest line to invest in is the one that will be drawn in the sand.  We’re going to be on the Leafy East side of that one.  The Mustard Pots to be much too hot for The Marshmallows.  And it’s interesting to note that the Downright Family TV is tuned to re-runs of Little House on The Prairie on match days now.

The Pivotonians v The Free Settlers, on Saturday down at Kardinia Park.  The question to be asked here is, was last Friday night a Dead Cat Bounce?  The Chardonnays have named Richard Tambling as an emergency, which suggests an emergency at the West Lakes selection table of some sort.  )how are the two-Blues going to get by without him slipping out of the red vest at ¾ time – Ed)  The Crows have only lost three games all season, each time to very good sides playing at their peak – Geelong has not been one of them.  With Ward Rooney issuing a storm-weather alert for all coastal waters, including the bays, it’s going to be Suburban Football at its best on the shores of Stingaree Bay.  Walker’s back & Tippett’s out for The Visitors.  The Homeside won’t miss Scarlett as much as some of the True Believers suppose.  Last week we noticed signs that he’s nearing his used by date.  And before The Sleepy Hollow Faithful starting saving their vodka bottles to firebomb the Wrapcave, how about those times last week when he could have easily marked but chose to thump the ball across the boundary?  I know he’s always done that, and got away with it too, but on at least one occasion he was on his Pat Malone and could have sallow the pill and run off with it.  The return of Bartel & Christiansen will more than compensate for Scarlett’s second self-imposed holiday this season.  We’ll go with The Handbags here, for no other reason than that’s the way the Wrap penny fell, and their defence is still working well and their Big Number 26 has found his radar.  But be prepared for disappointed.  The Mighty Adelaide Corvus Coronoides can match The Greatest Team Of All in just about every department.

The Shinboners v The Fuchsias under cover tomorrow night.  This one’s pretty straightforward.  North are playing inspired Footy; their opponents are all over the shop.  And if The Hawks, playing a side that could win, look a good thing at $1.20, at $1.10, Gasometer Girl, in a field of two, running against a side that can’t win, has to be worth the rent money.  North Melbourne to consolidate their place in the September Sun.

The Orangemen v The Mighty Maggies up at Skoda Park crammed in between NRL match schedules.  Sheeds is wringing the changes up at Breakfast Point, but it’s The Giants who will be hung out to dry in this one.  And if you’re one of those who believe in term deposits with the banking barons, the $1.10 has Prime Minister Rudd’s personal guarantee.  Carringbush.

The Miseries v Struggletown on the Sacred Turf on Saturday night.  The Tiggers keep on finding ways to maintain The Long Suffering at Punt Road, to the point that it’s become their trademark.  They’re re-matched with Traditional Rivals Carlton for this do-or-die clash for both clubs.  The spin coming out of Royal Parade is that they’re tanking for draft picks, however, it’s not clear if that’s the official excuse, or a concoction of the Rattzbagger camp.  Either way, it has a ring of truth about it.  (It’s a change from them whinging about their injury list – Ed)  Whether they can maintain that position when confronted by a wave of Yellow&Black Guernseys is another matter.  They regain The Kreuzer, who was instrumental in exterminating The Endangered Species back in Round I, and have included Davies, Lucas & Tuohy to replace Watson, Duigan, Bower & Russell.  (Who? – Ed)  The Tiges have regained lockdown half forward Jake King.  Tyro Ben O’Hanlon returns to the Magoos for some match time.  The Punt Road Faithful will have been encouraged by the little they saw of him over the last few weeks, when he slipped out of the red vest.  Based on current form it has to be The Tiges.  Coach Hardnose would have punched a few holes in the wall after their last two outings, something he should have been doing since they let The Pivotonians off the hook back in Round IV.  The Blues aren’t without a chance, and investors should weigh their decision on this one.  We feel the offer of $1.67 is about right; you always get a good heart-in-the-mouth ride for your money from The Striped Marvels.

The Metermaids v The Bloods on the Metricon ride tomorrow night.  Please explain, The Swans have dropped three games, The Sunbeams have won one.  The Bagmen are paying 10% for a 24-hour lend of your money.  That’s an annualized rate of 36,500%.  What’s the catch?  Mummy’s out, but that’s all.  Mortgage the kids for this one.  It’s a win-win.  It’ll pay for their school fees, and if The Lakers lose, you won’t have to pay their school fees anyway.  South Melbourne to close down The Mermaid’s winners and still have enough firepower left over to maintain their 147% for & against ration.

The Tealers v The Barry Crockers on Sunday at Footy Park.  In terms of outcome, this is probably the most interesting match of the Round.  The Stevedores sit Glorious Ninth beneath North on the same point score but 2.6 percentage points in arrears.  The absence of Rising Star Fyfe has left a huge gap in the Dockers line-up most of the season.  His return will lift them, along with the incentive of their easy run home. They are a mathematical probability to be there in September, but they have to keep winning.  The Power are showing all the signs of fatigue.  Their effort against Melbourne was impressive in the context of the match, but to let the 2012 Redlegs kick five goals on them in a the Opening Stanza suggests it was The Demons’ tiring as much as a Port Adelaide Traditional that won the day.  We’ll stick with Pavlich to lead his Anchormen to Victory here.

The Feeling Faints v The Canine Parvoviruses on the Shifting Sands mid-Sunday afternoon.  The Yap Yaps showed very little of either bark or bite against The Miseries last week, let alone any Bulldog Roar.  The Saints will show them little mercy as they strive to keep in touch with September.  It will be a toss up between St Seaford & The Leafblowers who kicks the sweep this round, and The Sons of The West are candidates to kick the lowest.  That $1.16 on offer on The Seagulls is extremely tempting too.

The High Flying Raptors v The Northern Leos on the Balmy Shores to close off proceedings.  Based on Brissy’s lacklustre showing last weekend, and the fact that the Weagles are OTR at home, this one may become a little one sided.  Besides that, they owe The Lions one; their defeat at The Gabbatoir is the loss that is currently denying them a Double Chance.  Expect no mercy, and you won’t be disappointed.  And that $1.16 looks as juicy as the previous game.  In an uncertain world, it might be a good round to spread the risk. Over several sectors.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in the Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.