THE PRE WRAP – ROUND XXII

FOR THE PHILOSOPHICAL MARNGROOK FAN

What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The ghosts are stirring at the Yarra Falls End as the tension continues at Victoria Park.  Mick wants the Black&White Army to give the opposition a Helluva time.  Eddie wants it to be a more Ra! Ra! Ra! sort of thing.  Are you as tired of the silly nonsense coming out of the Collingwood Coaching Box and the Oval Office at the Lexus Centre as we are?  2012 can’t come quick enough and they get back to Football.  Bring on Coach Fig Jam.

And what a Banquet we’ve got in store for us this round.  After the fast food fare of recent weeks, when the only sustenance on the menu has been the beating up on The Competition Whipping Boys, this week offers a veritable Smorgasbord of Eight Point Games and Season Defining Moments.

BTW, we’ve been chipped for still calling the home of Collingwood the Lexus Centre.   We’ve been advised that it has been renamed the Westpac Centre to commemorate the eighteen Westpac brothers who played such an important role in Carringbush’s rise to fame through the Depression years.  Legend has it that they all appeared on the ground at the same time only to be knocked out one by one by Tiger Legend Captain Blood.  Good to see some good old fashioned tradition being brought back to the team that plays in Black&White Verticals; and only in Black&White Verticals.

How’s your fear needle reacting to the news that the Ayatollah is planning to launch his own TV channel?  Ours too.  With his own training camps for 7-17 year olds and his own player agents, he’ll be catching up to Bernie Ecclestone in a big way.  Even Ignatius Loyola would have been impressed.  This used to be a game that was a Right of Passage for our young men.  Now it’s just a plaything of the self-anointed gods.  Wait till he wants to license the fans.  It won’t be that long either.  It’s about all that’s left to license.  (Maybe we’re already licensed, but we just don’t realize it yet – Ed)

It’s been suggested that they should have a door prize of a tour of the MCG for Melbourne Fans when they play at Ethelred Stadium.  Disgruntled of Carringbush has deduced that when you deducted the West Coast Eagles supporters, stadium staff and kids dragged along because, after buying the tickets and a couple of hotdogs a baby sitter would have blown the budget, the Melbourne supporter base at last Sunday’s Docklands match totalled 416.

If things weren’t bad enough at Alberton, now they’re having a hissy fit over Triple John Cahill Medal winner Kane Cornes’ tenure there.  And to think this mob were Minor Premiers in 2002, 2003 & 2004, and held aloft the Trophy in 2004.  Ask not for whom the bell tolls ………..

The Ayatollah’s been to see what can be done about the basket cases over where they put wine in casks and bodies in bank vaults.  He might have to accept that the Free Settlers are quite content with the their own league and have only a side interest in a team in the National League.  (Something we here in the Heartland of Our Great Game may have been well advised to consider before rushing headlong into forming an Appalling Football League – Ed)  Three Flags in 20 years for the City of Churches is a heck of a lot more than some of the teams in the National Competition has achieved, in a 120 years.  Maybe Adelaide’s only big enough for one team.  Of course you’re not going to hear anything along those lines from Jellymont House.

And followers of the RBG* will be quick to point out the capital city of Cataluña, with a population approaching two million, is a one team town. And a very successful one at that.

And maybe we’ve underestimated the City of Churches.  Could it be that Sin City isn’t the only town where they’re only interested in winners?  Poor old Port Adelaide seem totally friendless AWS.

There have been suggestions of making The Competition state of origin based, and the draft an internal state matter.  Even going back to territories maybe.  (It certainly helped clubs develop the game in their respective zones in the old days – Ed)  The base mark, or quota, could be based on population.  750,000 could be a quota.  SA & WA would have 2 teams.  Tassy would have one – with a population of 500,00 they would actually slip under the quota, but make up for it in commitment – and Victoria seven.  NSW & QLD, being non-football states, could have one team each.  Because NSW has a strong league in the Riverina from which to draw**, The Bananabenders could be compensated with the NT as an exclusive recruiting zone.  That’s a 14-team comp.  Now that’s a manageable number.  No need to go around holding broadcasters to ransom only to see the gouged ransom pointlessly squandered propping up basket cases just to get the number of matches up, so we can keep the gouging the broadcasters, so we can keep propping up the teams that have fallen through the cracks so we can keep up the number of matches …….  It’s a vicious cycle, and a terminal one.

With 14 teams we can have everyone play each other once plus nine return games for a 22-round season.  The five teams that missed out on the return match would get their return match next season, and so on and so forth.  The Finals could go back to a six-team competition and we could all live happily ever after.

But the whole is more than the sum of the parts.  A team made up of Favourite Sons would pull the punters through the turnstiles for starters.  But it also increases the chances of regionally based teams would develop individualistic styles.  Hands up anyone who’s seen a team of Tiwi Islanders or Top Enders play?  Or a team from the Dead Heart or The Kimberly?  We’ve seen it come out of Geelong and Waverly.  We’re sure to see it come out of Tassy where they kick bags of spuds over hayricks and play a straight ahead style of game.  It’s not going to happen without going to the barricades, but it’s not unhealthy to explore options, eh?

Talking of exploring options, Rocket Eade and the Footscray Football Club will be exploring theirs over the next few weeks.  Not unexpected, and some may say not a little unwise.  Somehow, after we’ve all slept on it, it’s hard to see that a change won’t be as good as a holiday – for both parties.

 

 

 

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see who’s who after Round XXII.

The Rattzbaggers v Clarko’s Commandos at Ethelred stadium to open proceedings.  Is this a Jacobean feast or is this a Jacobean feast?  Both sides are building momentum for September/October.  Over the last four rounds both sides have beaten up the opposition they faced – except for North Melbourne.  The Shinboners ran both to within three goals and punters & SOTG would do well to check out the file tapes of these contests for clues as to their respective weaknesses, although we suspect they’ll find it was in the intensity that a team trying to reach beyond August applied throughout the day.  There’ll be plenty of that tonight.  The Miseries have rushed regular fullback Jamison back to cope with Big Buddy.  Could he be underdone, or as fresh as new mown hay?  The Coleman Medallist in Waiting is in terrific form and flanked by Junior Riolli, they make a formidable double front line of attack.  Then there’s Burgoyne, Bruest  & Bateman waiting for the spillage.  That should keep the 9th worst defence in the Competition on its toes.  At the other end, The Silvertails have danger men in Big Kreuzer, Walker, Fast Eddie & Gartlett – and Armfield on his night.  They’re up against a Maybloom defence that is 2nd only to TRP.  So much depends on the midfield here, and even with Murphy & the Juddanaught in Brownlow winning form, we reckon The Hawkers have the discipline, skills & tenacity to at least break even.  If they do that they will have done their job.  But what about the match-ups.  Don’t they make you salivate?  Captain versus Captain; Sewell on Murphy; Mitchell on Ellard.  The one we’ll have the playercam on is Robinson v Lewis.  You’d catch a ride on the paper truck up from Mallacoota to watch these two hard nuts slug it out, eh?  Let’s hope the maggots swallow the whistle and closely monitor the Carlton Captain’s disposal by hand.  You’d hate to go out – even in the hothouse conditions of Ethelred Stadium – on a night like tonight to have the contest for the Pigskin cruelled by overly officious maggoting.  Sorry Blues Brothers, and at the risk of sounding anti-Carlton, we’re saying that the flags along La Via Lygon will be at half mast come Saturday morning.  There’s some investment risk involved here, but no less than holding bank stocks.  The TAB has The Family Club at $1.65.  Shop around if you like, but that looks a good thing to us here in Wrapland.

The Sunbeams & The Pride of South Australia up under the bangalows at the traditional time.  Coach Guy is giving everyone a run for the year and Coach Bicks is running for next season.  You can put down the glasses now, and plot the rhum line to your nearest caring broker; take as much of the $1.20 he or she will let you have.  This is the gold mark on steroids.

 The West Coast Eagles v The Tullamarine Gliders at Petersons Curse late on Saturday arvo.  The Coaching Committee at Whingy Hill have surrendered this one at the selection table.  Hurley & Pears out with soreness.  So what’s the appalling Football League Ethics Committee got to say about this Adrian?  Louder Adrian; we can’t hear you.  This is match fixing if ever there was match fixing.  You want to know how Adrian?  To avoid a trip to Perth in the first round of the Finals, that’s how.  Remember who we’re dealing with here – Pretty Boy ‘I have business commitments & have no desire to coach Essendon’ Hird and the turncoat Bomber ‘I’m a mental wreck and need time away from Football’ Thompson.  Of course West Coast will win, and win well.  It’s on Channel Rove, so if you enjoyed watching Essendon under the last days of Coach Mumbles, here’s your chance to catch some déjà vu.  Loyal Bomber Stalwarts may be dismayed by this tactic, and the phrase ’Don’t mess with winning form’ should be ringing in their ears as they watch West Coast move up to 4th and Cartoon move down to 5th.  And would someone please come around to the Wrapcave and throw a bucket of cold water over us.  We must be dreaming.  The Bagmen have this near full strength Eagles side up against an undermanned Essendon outfit playing a long way from home out to $1.25.  Maybe it’s the recession we’re not really having that’s bringing on these sales.  Maybe there is a dead cat bounce after all.  But don’t miss out.

The Shinboners v The Barry Crockers under cover on Saturday night.  Flaky Freo have had their chances to morph into The Dangerous Dockers this season and it even looked likely at one stage.  But over the last four weeks the wheels have fallen off the bandwagon and the trombone slides have bent like hairpins.  The Boners have a mathematical chance of making it through to September/October and even though they’re blooding new boy Mullett, they shouldn’t have any trouble overcoming any resistance put up by The Anchormen, of whom the kindest thing that could be said is that they’re a bloody shambles.  (Is Ted Bullpit a Dockers fan Wrap? – Ed)  And the way The Bagmen are spreading the wealth you’d think there was an election coming up.  (Or has the Ayatollah threatened  to nationalise the gambling franchise – thus the reason for the largess? – Ed)  The Kangas, and at $130, this one’s better than the last.

The Woodsmen v The Boys From Old Fitzroy at Victoria Park on Saturday night.  They’ve given this one to Channel Rove for a free to air broadcast.  Us?  We’ll be watching re-runs of the Four Corners cattle-slaughtering episode.  Far less stressful.  Good to see Daniel Rich back for The Maroons, but it’s Carringbush in another goalfest.

Steak & Kidney v The Feeling Faints on Sunday up in Leggoland.  The Swans have gone for the doctor.  Kennelly’s been omitted (Maybe even retired – Ed) and Roberts-Thompson is unavailable.  The Sainters have nearly a full list from which to chose.  They choked Collingwood for a while last week while their opponents took a bath from the Tigers.  The Bloods will be keen to turn that result around but while they’ve been thereabouts over their last eight matches, they’ve been losing the close ones.  And we all know that GTWTCO.  The corollary is that Poor Teams Lose The Close Ones.  We’re staying with the Culture Club, even up there out at Homebush.  The Bagmen have them at $1.60, but with so much value going around, that doesn’t tempt.  The Junction Oval Seagulls.

The Power From Port v The Sons of The West at the New Arctic Park on Sunday.  The Doggies have a new master and The Power could be soon looking for one.  Look, on paper The Tealers could pull this one off.  A lot will depend on how their opponents react to the replacement of their much admired and loved coach.  Of course, it could be said that if they loved and admired him so much, they had a funny way of showing it.  The Bulldog’s defence is a shambles, especially without Morris, and the Chokers’ attack has some teeth.  We’re going for the boilover here.  Bulldog Barry holds the key.  If he can stir the Footscray attack to outscore Westy, Schultzy and Motlop The Scrays can win.  If he can’t, and Daniel M decides to have a day out it will be – despite blowing The Coveted Sylvan Shield –  a much needed Port Adelaide win.  We’re thinking this week may have unsettled The Doggies; it all looked too contrived at the press conference; too suppressed.  And at $5 in a two horse race The Power From Port are The Wrap Roughie of The Round.

The Fuchsias v The Tigers to wind-up proceedings at THOF.  The Tiges have been threatening to break out since their debacle up in Cairns against The Metermaids.  They monstered The Lakers in the Final Stanza last week and are expected to go on with the job this week.  The Demons have shown little devil under Coach Todd, and he may have had an inkling of this when he said he was only standing in to coach because no one else would.  Frawley on Jumping Jack will be worth the admission money and Jack Who will test Rance’s credentials.  And The Redlegs will be boosted by the return of their Skipper, Jurra, Jetta and Binnell.  Richmond have brought White, Nasson, Webberley and O’Reilly up to the firing line.  The Bagmen have Struggletown luke warm favourites and we’re going with the flow.  But as any LSPRF will tell you, don’t bet on it.  Richmond.

This week it’s The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires who are taking some well earned R&R.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

 

We all love a good put down don’t we?  Let’s make it interesting this week.  Can you match the quote with the author?

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.

She’s the kind of woman who climbs the ladder of success – wrong by wrong.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Don’t be humble; you’re not that great.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

They couldn’t find the artist so they hung the picture.

On his deathbed when asked to renounce the devil – this is no time to make new enemies.

A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post

Golda Meir

Henny Youngman

Mae West

Frank Zappa

Oscar Wilde

Tom Waits

Voltaire

Jean Webster

How’d you go?  The Golda Meir one caught us by surprise.  Although you don’t get to lead your country without having your wits about you, eh?

* Round Ball Game – there were a few clues there Jimbo.

** Try this for a list of NSW players –and it’s just a few.  Let’s start with Hayden Bunton and move on to The Daniher, The Strangs & The Morwoods.  Then there’s John Longmire, Leaping Leo Barry, Captain Kirk, Tilt Carroll, Ricky Quade, Billy Brownless, Nick Davis, Henry Playfair, Paul Bevan, Shane Crawford, Richie Vandenberg & Paul Kelly.  Let’s not forget the wild boys: Greg Stafford, Cameron ‘Mad Dog’ Mooney, Brent Staker, Dean Solomon and of course, the wildest of them all, Rooting Roo.  Still running around are Kieran Jack, Adam Schneider, Daniel Cross, Lenny Hayes The McVeighs, Hamish McIntosh, Justin Koschitze, Sam Gilbert, Nicholas Naitanui & Lenny Hayes.  How would you like all that mob on the paddock at the same time in the same Guernsey?

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.

Comments

  1. John Butler says:

    Ah yes.

    The Coventrys. The Colliers. And the Westpacs.

    Immortals of the game.

  2. I still call the home of Collingwood Victoria Park – but they don’t.

    Wonderful stuff Wrapster.

    Was Golda Meir talking about our PM?

  3. John Mosig says:

    How about the Twomey’s, The Roses & The Shaws. And let’s not forget the Roccas, eh? And hey, how could we forget Lou & Ron? Around at the Grace Darling I think they even count the Clokes.

    She wasn’t. but she could have been. In fact most of them could have been. Just out of curiosity, how hard was it – how many did you get Dips?

  4. Wrapster – I got 2!! Frank Zappa and Oscar Wilde. Zappa because two of my brothers are Zappa fans, and Oscar Wilde because it sounded like Oscar Wilde.

    Way too hard for me.

  5. John Mosig says:

    Sounds like an interesting family.

  6. Wrapster – just a few weeks ago I was listening to ‘Joe’s Garage’ by the late, great FZ. Are you familiar with this work?

  7. John Butler says:

    Willie the Pimp is a favourite of mine Dips (with Captain Beefheart on vocal).

    Or Guitar Wants to Kill Your Momma.

    Or, for sound advice, Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow.

    So many to choose….

  8. John Mosig says:

    I wore out Mothers of Invention.

  9. John Butler says:

    I hope you mean the record TW.

  10. John Mosig says:

    Yes JB, the vinyl.

    How do you think your beloved Blue Baggers will go tonight? Juddy & The Boys up to the task?

  11. John Butler says:

    Absolutely.

  12. Andrew Fithall says:

    Absolutely? Back to the drawing board JB. (my daughter just pointed out that you share initials with Justin Bieber – you lucky thing). One of the reason I like the Appalling Football League is that we have won twice as many AFL flags as the blues…

    GO PIES

  13. Dips
    Know what you mean about that Vic Park thing. Why, just last week I was run out of Ryrie Street for having the nerve to refer to SS as Kardinia Park! “They” were very rude too. Told me that as a Collingwood fan, my opinion was worthless. Accused me of hubris. Bit rough, I thought.
    By the way, Andrew, no more hints. I’m watching faux live.

  14. Rick Kane says:

    Hi Mr Butler, I’ve just returned from the match (on a very circuitous route) and I think you might have to revise your pre-game estimate from ‘absolutely to nah. We are the Mighty (tired) Fighting Hawks

  15. John Mosig says:

    Anyone notice the free kick count? I made a note through the 2nd stanza – 16 to eight in Carlton’s favour. They had evened it up by the end to 25-19, but it’s where you pay them that counts. And the ones that weren’t paid. The Hawks would have stormed home if they’d been paid what they earned. Look, let’s not start talking conspiracy on this foggy Saturday morning, but you whistle and I’ll point.

    And got how much longer is Judd going to be invisible to the maggots except when it’s vote allocating time? Let’s get this one out of the way before we tackle global warming and the GFC.

  16. Rick Kane says:

    One notable free kick was given to Judd for pushing a Hawker in the back!

    But the game is the game and on that count both sides are impressive and definitely in the hunt for September glory.

    Cheers

  17. John Butler says:

    Re my comment on your piece RK.

    I didn’t specify whose pain it would be. :(

  18. John Butler says:

    I actually find this obsession with Judd and supposed umpire favouritism fairly tiresome.

    The umpires are as inconsistent in their assessments re Judd as they are in almost every other respect.

    Some weeks he (like many other star players) are literally being mugged off the ball in view of the umpires. Other weeks it is picked up. This inconsistency applies across the board week to week.

    Not that you will ever have Mr Gieschen admit it in one of his Stalinist revisionary AFL video reports.

    As for claiming Judd is favoured in anything other than Brownlow votes – that is merely partisan assertion unsupported by fact.

    Which makes it perfectly at home on this website. :)

  19. Surely spouting free kick stats is about as boring and irrelevant as football ‘commentary’ gets?

    In a game where the two teams get to handle the ball 300+ times each, one team gets half a dozen more frees than the other and we scream for a Royal Commission. Despite the fact that a free gets the same ‘rights’ as a mark and if one mob takes that many more marks, the Ken Casselli don’t even bother to mention it.

    Doesn’t the very fact that Carlton got thrashed into oblivion in the quarter you named, only to fight back later when the all-important Free Kick Count evened up, drop even a tiny hint?

  20. John Mosig says:

    Free kicks and their impact on the game. Glad you brought this up JB & Rick N. Tiresome JB – you bet. Week after week we have to watch Judd release the ball as soon as he’s tackled for a play-on call. Go back and review the tape. At least twice I saw him get away with hauling someone to,the ground with an arm over the shoulder that was being penalised when applied by other players – notably those wearing the GoldenBrown. And if we had as many slomo replays of the Dual Brownlow Medallist’s disposal as we had of Muralitheran’s action there WOULD be a call for a Royal Commission.

    And as far as boring goes I agree with you Rick – free kick stats don’t tell the whole question any more than player stats. Exhibit A re player stats: Cyril Riolli.

    But for influence on the game let’s take two examples from last weekend’s Rich v Sydney match. Let’s set the scene. A Sydney player has a free out near the centre. A teammate runs past, and to the rear of him as he is peddling backwards to take his kick. Richmond’s Foley trying to keep a tag on his opponent – the runner – finds circumstances have taken him within 5m of the free-kicker. No attempt to interfere mind you; and there were players running to position every which way as the free went against the flow of play so the flood had to be reversed. The judgement made on this circumstance? A 50m penalty. Result? Goal.o Sydney.

    Take 2. A Richmond free out near the centre. The Tiges play on. The ball lands with Jack Riewoldt in the goal square who marks it cleanly. But oh no, The play-on is re-called. The reason? No advantage says the voice of doom on the maggot mike. And Jack is standing in the goal square, ball in hand. Now I could be wrong here, but didn’t they scrap the no-advantage ruling in favour of the players decide on whether to play-on or not?

    Now there’s a 12 point turn around from two calls that don’t reflect their gravity or show up in the stats. Let’s look at another aspect. It’s not just the frees paid, it’s the frees not paid. We’re back at Friday night and we’re in the Hawthorn forward line – deep in the Hawthorn forward line with the maul rolling toward the Hawthorn goal mouth. Three frees could have been paid to the Hawks. And yes, the adjudicating maggot – in the context of the game – was right to swallow his whistle. But as soon as he saw something he could paid to Carlton – and it was nothing more and nothing less than he’d let Carlton get away with – he nearly gave himself a hernia letting everyone know it was a free. I’d like to be able to say the recipient was none other than Christopher ‘Robin’ Judd, but it wasn’t.

    If one side can get away with murder, yet the other side gets penalised consistently for the same thing, don’t you think that’s off-putting? Sure as professional footballers they will be told at training to get on with it, but where’s the counselling for the Fans? In all three instances above, the Football Gods prevailed and the right team rose above adversary to show their true metal. But what sort of message does this send to our kids – about the rule of law, justice and the Australian Way of a fair go for all? That’s right Lads – we’re talking about Un-Australian behaviour here. And it must be stamped out.

    c.c. Julia Gillard
    c.c. Bob Brown

  21. Rick Kane says:

    And how about the coathanger tackle on Mitchell that was called play on. The crowd booed when it happened and booed twice as loudly when the replay was shown.

    I agree that games are not ultimately decided on free-kicks simply because of the startlingly obvious fact that you cannot know what the next decision/action would be following a ‘correct’ umpiring decision. That is, the game would at that point differ from how you have seen it. More broadly, no matter what the umpiring was like, the winning team is generally the team that deserved the win.

    But poor umpiring sticks in our craw, particularly if our team loses. The last Hawks vs. Cats game, the free kick tally at quarter time was 12-1.

  22. John Mosig says:

    And say say all of us Rick. I’m not sure if it’s the Line in the Sand match, the Unsociable Football Tag or a hangover from the days of Dermie, Conan the Barbarian, Dipper and Lethal Lee, but the Hawks always seem to get the rough end of the pineapple when it comes to umpiring.

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