The Pope’s Induction (another leaked e-mail from the Vatican HR department)

Date:                     14 March 2013

To:                          Pope Francis 1

From:                    Ricardo, R. General Manager, Human Resources, The Vatican

Subject:               Your Induction

Your Holiness

Congratulations on your appointment and welcome to the Vatican. As your Head of HR, I’ll be responsible for your new employee induction program.

Contract of Employment: You’ve probably noticed Clause 29, about giving notice. We’ve never had to worry about that before, with no resignations in your job for 600 years, however your predecessor threw us by giving us four weeks’ notice, so we need to ensure we’ve got some form of planning in place. At the senior level we now ask Vatican executives to gives us three months’ notice if you wish to resign. If you chose to leave the role through the more traditional method (i.e. Death), any advance warning is also greatly appreciated.

Salary: Although the position is seen as a promotion, there’s no change to your actual base salary. However, you are eligible to a 9.8% allowance due to the high cost of living within the Vatican and general Rome area. Your company credit card limit has been increased and you have a 70 Euro per diem now. We’ve also arranged to carry over your unused annual leave balances from Argentina.

Benefits: You’ll of course have access to the company car, and we’ll arrange a measure up of the Popemobile in coming days. You also now have your own plane too, which is nice. You’ve been upgraded to membership of the Chairman’s Club at the airport when you travel overseas.

Your new access card (and please keep your photo ID card with you at all times) can be swiped to get into the Leviticus staff gym on Level 3.

Your new accommodation is being prepared and you’ll be pleased to know that all rooms on the executive floor have the full Foxtel package, with the movie channel and access to all sport. I’m not sure if you’ll want the LifeStyle channel, but your predecessor was a big fan of home renovation shows, especially the Block All Stars (don’t you think that Dani is a real piece of work?).

Normally we ask new executives to get three quotes from our preferred supplier list before furniture removal but in your case we’ve been happy to waive that and already got in Man with a Van to get your gear ready.

You’ll also get two reserved seats at the Medallion Club.

First 40 days: I’ve left on your desk a schedule for the first few weeks. As you’d expect, there’s a few meetings to attend, as I know you’ll want to hit the ground running.

You have a meeting with the Head of Legal tomorrow in which he’ll share with you the secrets of the Dead Sea Scrolls, Jesus’s younger brother, the location of the Grail and go over the new OH&S legislation. I’ve arranged with facilities for an ergonomic check of your chair and laptop position, and the Swiss Guard will take you through the fire drill and emergency evacuation procedures.

Your predecessor had an ongoing mentor relationship with Andrew Demetriou, mostly based on sharing various approaches to infallibility, and Andrew’s keen to continue that. I’ve pencilled in a monthly catch up over grappa at the local coffee shop. Also, let me know how you like your latte and I’ll let the baristas downstairs know.

You’ve got meetings lined up with representatives from all the major religions, including the Anglicans, Muslims, C of E and Scientologists. First one is with the man who runs the Illuminati, Eddie McGuire.

IT: You’ll need to change your password now. IT insists that it has a capital, a symbol ( is very popular) and number for extra security. Also note that the IT password system doesn’t accept offensive names like Iscariot or altarboy. We’ll set you up on Twitter too.

Once your e-mail is set up, you’ll get the regular weekly social club e-mails. Next month the guys from Archives are hosting a Hawaiian night for monthly drinks! (Please note we’ve had to take drinks in-house now, after that unfortunate incident at the Nasty Nun for your predecessor’s Mad Monday celebration)

Please note that there’s a firewall blocking access to Robbie Waterhouse’s online betting site (that’s an IT decision more based on taste than ethics, as his ads give us the pip)

Welcome: There’s a morning tea planned on the 2nd floor in the John XXIII meeting room for next Thursday. (It’s been moved from the Pius XII room as that’s being used for yoga classes.) Maria from Accounts Payable has a birthday that day, so we thought we’d combine it with you meeting some of the team. They’re always happy to put on vegetarian and gluten free alternatives so let me know of any dietary needs you have. There’s a couple of employee of the month awards to do as well, and I think the team would love it if you gave out the Village movie tickets.

I’m sure there’s more stuff we’ll cover in coming weeks and I’ve tentatively booked in meetings with you fortnightly.

Lastly, don’t forget Fridays are casual day, and if you want to go into the footy tipping comp, Carlo from Marketing can collect your entry fee.

All the best Your Holiness

 

Ricardo

PS: Your predecessor was a big fan of St Jude, patron saint of hopeless causes. There’s a pile of messages that have stacked up since he left from John Inverarity and Mickey Arthur that sound increasingly urgent but I’ll leave that with you.

About Sean Curtain

"He was born with a gift of laughter, and a sense that the world was mad". First line of 'Scaramouche' by Sabatini, always liked that.

Comments

  1. Great read, Sean. As funny as its companion piece.

  2. Lea Mother in Law Partridge says:

    What important chores were you neglecting while penning this example of genius, or is it complete perversity? I am worried. So is your F-in-L John.

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