You will endure; yes, they will all grow old like a garment; like a cloak You will change them, and they will be changed. But You are the same, and Your years will have no end. – Psalms 102:25-27
After two weeks of watching proper process throw up on its shoes, Stephen Kernahan stood on the pile of tears I cried over Carlton’s 2012 season and announced Michael Malthouse has signed a three-year deal to coach the club.
Moments after telling the assembled journalists and Tony Jones the “great sense of honour to be given the opportunity to coach this famous club,” Malthouse proclaimed one of his first priorities as coach will be to attract Travis Cloke to the club, saying he will “absolutely” make a big play for him.
Absolutely.
This was the moment that would have sent Eddie McGuire fifty shades of puce: for I have little doubt that McGuire would rather be sodomised with a broomhandle in a 3 x 3 cell, than be beaten by a Carlton team with Travis Cloke at Centre-Half-Forward and Mick Malthouse in the coach’s box.
Author with Mick
Listening to Malthouse’s tone throughout the presser, all I could think was “he better grab his nuts as he walks off stage”1.
So commanding was his performance, the only way he could have topped it would be to conclude by saying “Oh, and one more thing” before revealing the iPhone 5.
There’s no doubting Malthouse is getting on – he would have made a good love interest for Blanche on Golden Girls – but it is evident the “fire” is still there.
Here’s hoping he puts a rocket under Bryce Gibbs2, much in the way he has up the Collingwood bottomfeeders, sending them into social media apoplexy.
Welcome to Carlton, Mick – and in the immortal words of Brendan Behan, fuck the begrudgers!
1. He didn’t. This was disappointing.
2. Who by the end of the season was bringing Not-Giving-a-Fuck to an almost operatic level
About Craig Little
My heroes are all dead white males, mostly because that seems really attainable for me.
Well f**k me gently with a chainsaw Litza! No one saw this coming! Has there been a bigger bullshit artist in footy than MM? I doubt it. Good luck with your projects in 2013.
And i was starting to like him…..
Craig, you cannot be happy with this. You just can’t. Dirty, dirty, dirty. It simply stinks. Like an afternoon at Northland, you come out feeling grubby.
Few points I want to make:
1 – Mr Starkie – its not Northland, its Norflands.
2 – Litza – start writing your People’s elbow right now for about round 8 next year when the Blues are 1 and 7 and Malthouse starts blaming his predecessors.
3 – Litza – That horrible thing called hope will emerge over summer at Carlton. Go to yoga classes now so you learn to deal with it.
I wanna know where I can collect my winnings.
I’m positive I predicted before round 1 that:
1. Carlton would be the first team to win the Premiership and
2. Sack their coach in the same year and replace him with
3. Mick Malthouse, who would immediately announce that Carlton simply must have
4. Travis Cloke.
Or did all that happen in one of those weird dreams which always seem to end in public nudity or clattering teeth, or both.
Ionesco has asked to phone a friend.
I think it’s good that Carlton have moved on from the old Ian Collins admin methods. And that’s backed up by the fact that MALTHOUSE AT CARLTON is an anagram of AM A COLLO STUNT HATER.
I tipped Carlton to win this year’s premiership. Got that slightly wrong, but I still reckon they have ‘top 4′ written all over them. I reckon next year could be the easiest million dollars anyone has ever made to the point that I think MM’s distant relative, Pinnochio, could coach the Blues via Skype and still get them into the 8.
Dips, spot on. I spent 10 years in the classroom telling kids ‘THere’s only one Northland, it’s not plural. Thank God.’ And ‘THere’s no such word as ‘versen’ ‘. A in ‘Today, we’re versen St. pauls’. No one listened. Ever.
We once met St. Paul’s in a poetry contest. We were versing them that day.
And after that, you reversed over them in the carpark.
As President of Fitzroy Junior Football Club, I can attest that the battle is over. “Versing” is now part of the lexicon, and will in all likelihood appear in the next edition of the Macquarie at least.
Got to have the players and less injuries to have any hope of improvement.
Andrew, I’m delighted.
Dirty deeds not so dirt cheap.
So what your saying Mr Schumacher, is that Carlton’s poor year was no fault at all of the coach. I agree totally.
Litza,
My favourite line: “…assembled journalists and Tony Jones.” For some reason, I reckon that MM does not rate Tony Jones. Just a feeling.
I just cannot wait to see how this all plays out. At the moment, it definitely feels like it’s all going to end in tears: Carlton FC’s, MM’s, and the Peoples Elbow’s.