On Monday, the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards celebrated television excellence – that same night the Seven Network took a massive dump on it1 & 2.
For three-and-a-half hours those parts of the Brownlow Medal telecast worth watching (the Jim Stynes’ tribute3, Brynne Edelston4 and Jobe Watson’s acceptance speech5) were profoundly outweighed by those parts that were unwatchable (everything else).
The format is clearly wrong.
So what doesn’t work?
And the winner for Best Performance in the Genre of Dancing on Your Own Dick goes to…
Whatever Channel Seven has been pumping into Hamish McLachlan to make him appear human isn’t working.
I’m sure the network sees him as a handsome addition to its stable, however, the only way I can fit Hamish McLachlan and handsome in the same sentence is this…
Hamish McLachlan is in line to receive a handsome incompetence bonus from Seven.
If it sounds like I am picking on Hamish, it’s because I am.
If the main guy can’t cut it, it’s time to send in the buffoon for comic relief.
This is also the theory behind rodeo clowns.
With all the money Swisse was throwing burning on the Brownlow Red Carpet, surely Seven could afford someone more competent that Campbell Brown to conduct the interviews.
The Red Carpet has nothing to do with football – you don’t need a footballer involved.
Despite not quite pulling off the execution, at least Fox Footy had the good sense to use mouthpieces from the fashion industry with their telecast6.
On mouthpieces, Rachel Finch is clearly attractive and inoffensive, but if you can’t shine alongside Hamish McLachlan and Campbell Brown, maybe television isn’t for you?
It’s all about us… remind me what we again what we’re celebrating?
The Brownlow Medal is an ideal format to celebrate all that is good about our game. The material for the night has practically written itself – you have a whole season’s worth of drama, brilliance and heartache to fill a little less than three-hours of television (once you take out the Red Carp… sorry again, Swisse Red Carpet).
Instead, Channel Seven used those three hours to shatter the current land-speed record for self-absorption and shit spoken.
An unwatchable ten-minute segment where Channel Seven’s commentary team interviewed themselves around the table, served no purpose other than to remind us that Brian Taylor is the biggest horse’s arse of a commentator this side of the Nullarbor and provide the empty wankery of Luke Darcy with another forum to shine.
Having familiarised ourselves with the children’s end of the pool, it is perhaps time to ask how do we make the Brownlow work?
I say we cut the whole down to its essentials: the red carpet7, the votes and one tribute.
Have some genuine television people with presenting credentials host the red carpet, maintain Bruce McAveny as the host and Cameron Ling and Richo as the around-the-table guys. Give BT, Luke Darcey the night off so as they can learn some new words.
And finally, integrate the one thing that makes the whole night watchable.
Tweets.
* * *
1. Prior to this, Fox Footy had thrown a burning bag of faeces at watchable television with its appalling coverage of the Red Carp… sorry, Swisse Red Carpet. The irony of Charlotte Dawson tearing strips of people’s fashion sense was lost on nobody.
2. That said Fox Footy’s coverage was responsible for one of the better lines of the night, when Peter Morrissey described one of the WAG’s dresses as a ‘Blue Mountains table-clothe’.
3. Gorgeously filmed and beautifully told – it was the only part of the telecast where the Seven talking heads shut up and let the story tell itself.
4. Refer to Warwick Green’s tweet.
5. This made up for what was perhaps the worst analogy in the history of the Brownlow… something about hanging on to the edge of a cliff, waiting to be blown away by the wind?
6. Peter Morrissey and Alex Perry – although I cannot quite bring myself to take fashion advice from men who wear loafers sans socks with a tuxedo.
7. It stays, so as to broaden the appeal to those otherwise not interested in football. Besides, we all like to gawk at the WAGs… and rip into them for their tiny flaws.
About Craig Little
My heroes are all dead white males, mostly because that seems really attainable for me.
WAGS: Too ‘out there’ = trying too hard.
Conservative=not trying hard enough. Harmless fun in the right spirit and it certainly seduced my wife and daughter into watching. (Wife fell asleep half way through the count).
Major bugbear is that ridiculous music over the highlights. Surely the great plays are inspirational enough?
“The Brownlow Medal is an ideal format to celebrate all that is good about our game. The material for the night has practically written itself – you have a whole season’s worth of drama, brilliance and heartache to fill a little less than three-hours of television” – aint that the truth. The highlight for me was the quick summary clips before each round was read out. The lowlight was the hurried reading of the last few rounds once it was established that Watson had won. Those rounds, games and best players held meaning didn’t they? The fixation on betting markets on EVERYTHING bothers me a whole lot more that wifes and girlfriends wanting to look their best …
Highlight for me – Rory Sloane’s girlfriend.
Also liked:
St Kilda table’s reaction to Jason Blake getting his first votes.
Nick Maxwell’s wife just happening to be filmed whilst sucking on a lemon, coincidentally when he didn’t get the Jim Stynes award.
Dane Swan being interviewed with a few rounds to go clearly having had a few
Basil Z’s creepy chat to Josh Kennedy’s girlfriend in Sydney
Dips, yes, she was sitting on his lap at one stage!
Yes Dips. yes. Was Swan with the same girl as last year? If so, she didn’t match her 2011 form.
‘Hamish McLachlan thinks he is handsome’? ‘Hamish McLachlan thinks he is more handsome than CRaig Mclachlan’?
Condense Brownlow night to 1.5hours. The red carpet, fluff and other rubbish cheapens the night and award.
why do the edelstens get invited?
The most excruciating part of the night is the torture test that the winner has to endure after he gets the prize- Being interviewed by Bruce. Geez, let the winner say thanks mum, dad and Channel 7 then send him off to celebrate . Well done Jobe . The endurance and poise you displayed during that interview makes you well and truly a worthy winner.
p.s a small highlight for me before the Brownlow was seeing the Crows contingent at the airport . I decided to be brave and approached Patrick Dangerfield with the original line ” Hi Paddi, I know your grandfather Bob from the Footy Almanac. ” Rory Sloane, his girlfriend and Scott Thompson were there.
Yep Pam, JObe was a worthy winner.
I preferred it when the medal winner made his own speech, without the cloying interviews from Bruce McAvaney.
In ’89 Paul Couch suggested drinks at the Boggy Creek Pub. In 1985 Brad Hardie made some similar suggestions about Western Australian watering holes. They are virtually the only Brownlow speeches that I remember. Bruce’s interviews are designed to ensure that nothing spontaneous like that ever happens again.
Dave
You’ve overlooked Aker’s glorious ‘sideshow’ remark, which he had the guts to throw straight at ‘Ooooh-Brucie’ when interviewed after his Brownlow win in 2001. Whatever his other flaws (and, God knows, that’s all we’ve seen in recent times), Aker deserves to be fondly remembered for that.
Watching Marngrook Footy Show and they played a clip of Robbie Burns interviewing on the Red Carpet at the Brownlow. It’s a highlight of the night, witty, interesting, thoughtful and broad ranging in questions and responses. Players and WAGs who appeared dull on the Channel 7 broadcast come alive through Robbie’s approach. The only person he couldn’t ignite was Swanny. Good on you Marngrook!
Channel 7 have to think that we are a mob of dills!