The hastily revised AFL guide to commonly used terms for season 2013

The pending arrival of the football season brings with it a number of annual events. These include ladder predictions, the collection of money for tipping comps, analysis of team lists for SuperCoach and Fantasy leagues and the Umpires department doing the rounds of the clubs to explain any new rules.

It also includes feigned interest by clubs in the NAB Cup, claims that new draft picks have trained the house down and speculation as to when Majak Daw will actually get to play an AFL game.

This year, the season has of course already been overshadowed by numerous events covered in many media outlets and the Almanac pages in some depth, including Tippett, Tanking, Drugs and Danks.

These events though have led to the AFL, in conjunction with Channel 7, releasing a revised media guide and glossary on official changes to commonly used terms in football for the 2013 season.

Whilst clubs will continue to use corporate speak and invent new and (in most cases) meaningless terms and statistics, in the interests of consistency, we have provided here for Almanac readers a selection of the commonly used phrases and their official AFL definitions, as well as what some phrases used throughout 2012 will now actually mean in season 2013.

NEW AFL AND CHANNEL 7 GUIDE

What is said:      Team Balance                          

What is meant: Dropped

What is said: Best pre-Season ever

What it means: We did a pre-Season and so did everyone else

What is said:   2-3 week injury

What it means:  Half a season if we’re lucky

What is said: Putting contract talks on hold

What it means: Checking out real estate on the Gold Coast

What is said: Blockbuster

What it means: Any Ch.7 Friday night game, regardless of ladder position or season impact

What is said: “Gee if Team x can just get  the next couple of goals  they’re right back in this”

What it means:  Team x are 7 goals down early in the third quarter, please don’t turn off

What is said: Full support of the Board

What it means: Buggered, not buying any green bananas

PHRASES

Rested

2012 meaning: We’re not exposing the new draft picks to play against Geelong, Hawthorn or Collingwood

2013 meaning: Player is frantically awaiting WADA test outcome

General Soreness

2012 meaning: Doesn’t like to fly, or not needed this week as we are playing someone crap

2013 meaning: Caught on the gear

Club Doctor

2012 meaning: Keeper of the latext glove supply, marginalised employee, club mushroom

2013 meaning: Person through whom every single decision will now have to go through

Sports Scientist

2012 meaning: Bloke who ran the place

2013 meaning:  A title that will disappear quicker than that Ch. 10 Dance show hosted by Lachlan’s missus

Vitamin Injection

2012 meaning: A innovative, risky but potentially brilliant point of difference to gain a competitive advantage

2013 meaning: Tomato juice

The Weapon

2012 meaning: A commentator’s gift, mentioned more times by Brian Taylor than Judd, Watson and Franklin combined

2013 meaning: The likely credibility of a ‘Best New Talent’ Logie winner

WADA

2012 meaning: Pesky people doing unreliable urine sample testing that we avoided doing business with for years

2013 meaning: Trusted partners with the potential to have the single biggest impact on the fortunes of all AFL clubs this year

Muppet

2012 meaning: Reminder of a brilliant and creative television series (and steadily declining standard of movies) from the 1970s onwards

2013 meaning: Anyone who disagrees with Shane Warne

About Sean Curtain

"He was born with a gift of laughter, and a sense that the world was mad". First line of 'Scaramouche' by Sabatini, always liked that.

Comments

  1. Ben Footner says:

    One blessing of the current drug scandal is that no one is particularly keen to declare they are ‘training the house down’, or the ‘fittest they’ve ever been’, lest they have WADA knocking on the door. A nice relief.

  2. Cricket commentators have the same “don’t talk off speak” especially James Brayshaw. Hey if this guy gets going they are still right in this = they are 7 wickets down with 50 to get in 5 overs and no one believes that they could win but please don’t turn off because we lost all that revenue when the first match finished early.

  3. What is said: Putting contract talks on hold
    What it means: Checking out real estate on the Gold Coast

    Ha ha

  4. Lord Bogan says:

    Great stuff Sean,

    part of the fun of footy for me was the once rich vernacular. All this corporate double speak and shallow hyperbole makes me want to take a vow of silence. The game is so much better when the language around it has more meaning.

  5. Medium Dazza says:

    What is said: we are looking to develop our younger players

    Means: bottom 6 finish at best

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