The Great Uruguayan Bite: How Luis would be judged in other sports

Luis Suarez has, as the world now knows, done IT again. A moment of madness, done by a player who must know that he is watched by so many, in this most watched event.

The press and players from Uruguay have, not surprisingly, ignored or conveniently forgotten his past form in the area and alleged a cover-up, photo shopping, a jealous and nationalistic UK vendetta and everything else under the sun.

Whilst FIFA meets to decide his fate, on the eve of Uruguay’s Round of 16 clash against Colombia, it is tempting to consider how he would be judged if he was in another sport or club, this weekend:

AFL – Suarez’s action has been judged to have had high contact, medium impact, off the ball, intentional and reckless. With a previous poor record and activation points, he has no access to an early guilty plea and faces a 4 match suspension.

NRL – With Suarez’ s involvement in the third Origin game being taken into consideration, he will miss only one game, but only this weekend’s home and away game, meaning he is free to play in next Wednesday’s Origin clash. Had the incident happened in Origin 2, he would not have faced any charge of course.

Essendon– Our player has been subjected to leaked information and a trial by media with various FIFA officials already having made scandalous claims in the press about his supposed guilt. We have not been provided with the evidence. Papers have been lodged in the Supreme Court alleging a joint FIFA/Australian College of Dental Surgeons investigation was flawed and inappropriate and that the case be thrown out.

Cricket – Previously for a bite to be declared illegal, the impact of the teeth had to be 3 millimetres. Following a statement from the Uruguay Cricket Board and various Sri Lankan bio mechanist that Suarez was born with a dental deformity that means he cannot control his actions, the rules of the game relating to the allowance impact of embedded teeth has been changed to 5 mm (retrospectively). As Suarez’s impact on the Italian player’s shoulder was less than this, the charge has been withdrawn and the referee will be removed from any future South American matches with our deepest apologies.

KFC BBL – Suarez will be suspended for one game for not endorsing the sponsor’s product and instead munching on human flesh.

Swimming – Suarez has stated that he was taking Stillnox at the time and was merely yawning when the Italian player ran into him. He has been cleared of any wrong doing but loses his Nutri-Grain endorsement.

Ice Hockey – How could he have bitten him? Ice hockey players don’t have teeth. Case dismissed.

Cycling – Suarez has claimed that someone put the Italian player’s shoulder into his mouth without his knowledge. Whilst a B sample is being tested, he will be free to play.

NFL – It’s not as if he pulled a gun on him. One week max.

About Sean Curtain

"He was born with a gift of laughter, and a sense that the world was mad". First line of 'Scaramouche' by Sabatini, always liked that.

Comments

  1. Hilarious piece! I hope your Sri Lankan bio mechanist isn’t now languishing in Manus Island

  2. Dennis Gedling says:

    Great stuff. There always an incident like this that crosses the line in to pretty much mainstream pop culture every World Cup. Paul the Octopus for example.

    What did Chris Lewis get all those years ago when he bit Todd Viney at the MCG? I remember it being a massive furore (in the West anyway) but can’t remember what the punishment was.

  3. Good point Dennis. I’m struggling to recall any other AFL biting episodes. What did Lewis get: 8 weeks ?

    Glen!

  4. Phillip Dimitriadis says:

    Good stuff Sean. It’s been worth it just for the jokes and the memes. If sport was ALL about honour and virtue no one would watch it.

  5. Peter_B says:

    Excellent summary Sean, but you forgot the one Australian ‘sport’ where the bite is a ‘time honoured’ and accepted tradition. Horse racing.
    Who hasn’t gone to the track with his mates, and been asked mid-afternoon “jeez that mongrel jockey murdered the fave in the last, could you lend us $200 to Monday, the next ones a cert.”
    This of course should not be confused with the more honourable ‘snip’ – “could you lend us $50 for the cab fare home? I’m pissed and broke.”
    The snip should always be supported, but repeated instances of the bite will eventually lead to 6 months with good behaviour for doing same to the petty cash tin at work.

  6. Gregor Lewis says:

    A Feast Sean!
    A Riot of degastation to digest … dare I say?
    All those Uruguayan FA officials brazenly attempting to ‘stick fat’, really don’t know the danger they are in!

    The Fat is Suarez’ favourite morsel!

    You’ve gotta do a similar piece of comparative attempts at plausible deniability from coaching/administrative officialdom in other sports, when a ‘star’ / favourite son transgresses …

    … English & Italian conspiracy indeed!
    Although, I wonder what Heston Blumenthal could do with the theme. Hmmm…

    grl

  7. Malcolm Ashwood says:

    Brilliant Sean particularly liked the cricket one so so true could we have another rule added re coaching our spinners now ? Thanks Sean

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