THE FINALS WRAP – WEEK III

WHERE LIFE IMITATES FOOTBALL

What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The Mighty Magpie Machine laid to waste The Collywobbles and torched The Little Town at the Bottom End of The Bay on Friday Night to Cakewalk into the 2010 Grand Final.  Joining them is none other than their Nemesis from 1966.  A Match Made in Heaven.

Would the last person out of Sleepy Hollow please turn out the light?  With the only player to put up any real show in Friday Night’s train wreck set to captain The Sunshines next season, the question has to be asked, is Jimmy just the smoke screen at Whingy Hill, and is Bomber the real smokey?  Having guided The Handbags back to where he found them, is Bomber looking for his next challenge?

Although we should, in all compassion, spare a thought for those Devastated Catters who must be drawing on every fibre to find the will to live through The Long Dark Summer and beyond.  So, in true Aussie fashion, let’s all reach out to Bomber’s vast army of Envied Geelong Supporters and offer them a soft shoulder upon which to unload their remorse, and maybe even a little self-loathing.

Kick ‘em While They’re Down Department.  Out along Puckle Street they’re singing a new song.  Have you Hird, it’s in the stars, next July we’ll be full of stars? Or so the refrain goes.  Question:  What have the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Essendon Coach got in common?  They are all mythical creations.

Maggot Watch.  The Razor Gang of Ryan, Rosebury & Chamberlain were never under much pressure on Friday Night as the match was over after Collingwood kicked the 1st three goals in what seemed as many minutes.  Their inconsistency on the night was minimal, and they have dropped the bottom of the pack ‘ball’ decision.  Rabbitting has also been eliminated, much to the chagrin of Joel Selwood.  However, they still haven’t got the frontal spoil right yet.  Tacklers are making every effort to attack the ball, but are still being penalized for the slightest body contact.  Although it must be said, it didn’t Cost Anyone A Grand Final Berth on Friday Night.  One of Geelong’s three goals to Half Time came from a tackle from behind on Stokes.  It was pretty soft and obviously just to show Bomber that they pay them both ways.  And in the context of the game, psychoanalysts would be excused for suspecting a one finger salute from Maggot Central to Bomber T.

Email of Friday’s game came when Carringbush were 13-7 to Sleepy Hollow’s 3-5.  All the way from Kurrajong Track deep in the East Gippsland foothills – Where are all Collingwood’s inaccurate goal kickers when Geelong need them most? How mean of Collingwood not to oblige.

Commentator Watch.  Call it bias if you will, but we’re huge Cometti Fans around here in Wrapland.  With The Maggies 76 points to the good The Velvet Fog let slip a gem that, uttered by any other critic, would have come across as trite.  From The Fog it just touched the right note of heart-felt sincerity: “Collingwood have put on a clinic here tonight”.

But enough of my gabbin.  The Penultimate Round is behind us and the Fans are ready for The Big One.  Let’s see who finished in the sun.

Good Old Collingwood v The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires.  With images of Ming the Merciless flashing before our eyes, this was an old fashioned Fred Hesse Annihilation Scoreboard.  And didn’t the end come quickly?  For those astute Students of the Game the signs were there very early on in the piece.  During the singing of the National Ditty Mick’s Mighty Magpies Stood Side By Side Together – arms entwined – To Uphold The Magpie Name.  Their opponents Geelong, stood like a bunch of individuals lost in their own thoughts.  (And that’s how they played – Ed)  Once the ball had been bounced the signs were less ethereal.  Swan was tackled and clearly had prior opportunity – play on was the call.  (From the blind side and at match day speed it may easily have been missed Wrap, but technically there was fist on ball there – Ed)  Seconds later Scarlett was held when going for the ball – play on again.  The Woodsmen unmistakably were getting the rub of the whistle.  Then when Cloke drilled First Blood from 30m out dead in front you felt it was going to be Collingwood’s night.  The Moggies’ Spiritual Leader burst into play for his trademark Team Lifting Goal.  The kick was on line and Stokes’ half-hearted attempt to mark in the goal square should have been a shepherd.  When you saw The Magpie Captain got around him to punch Chapman’s shot through for a behind you knew it was Collingwood’s night.   By the time Big Leroy’s Breenesque wobbler broke at right angles for a goal it was good night nurse.  Bomber had thrown Stevie J onto the ball for little impact but The Suns’ Captain-in-waiting was getting plenty of touches.  He is sure to be hoping that his new teammates are more competent than the fumbling and, in some cases, bumbling mob wearing The Navy Blue & White Hoops on this particular Friday Night.  There were heaps of reasons not to be overly jealous of Geelong.  After the Speedster Wojcinski fumbled a bounce on the boundary line for yet another Handbag turnover, Mrs Wrap said, “They’re rattled Geelong”.  Not long after, this was amply demonstrated when All Australian Enright confused the yellow lines in the interchange gate and gifted the Pies a goal.  Such was Collingwood’s pressure on the ball carrier.  We loaded more Mallee roots onto the coals at the Long Break and breathed a cheeky Malbec to complement the tangy Gippsland tasty our Maître Fromage had put us onto.  But the only heat in the room was coming from the fire.  The Woodsmen had long taken their foot off Geelong’s throat and were happy to be serenaded by the ecstatic 95,241 fans in the stands.  Speaking of Gippsland, hasn’t it been a fruitful recruiting ground for The Maggies.  The obvious ones are Daisy Thomas & Scott Pendlebury but Brent Macaffer, Tyson Goldsack & Jarryd Blair are all Gippsland born & bred.  (Then there’s Ryan Cook & John McCarthy waiting in the wings – Ed)  Make no mistake, this was a watershed match of cut crystal clarity and it will be spoken of whenever SOTG gather to recall Greatest Sides Ever To Play The Game.  And from where we stand now it’s not clear whether that will be Bomber Thompson’s 2-Flag Pussies or the Buckley/Malthouse Future Magpies.  It was not surprising to see red-rimmed eyes in the Pivotonian Dressingroom.  And this time our hearts went out to Little Gary Glitter.  He played his heart out for The Hoopers on the night and throughout the season, and has probably carried a dark secret with him all year; the secret that dare not speak its name – desertion.  If it is true, that he is turning his coat for 30 pieces of silver, then the bitterness of defeat will be even more galling amongst the patrons of the Little Mallop Street coffee shops and the seafood cafés of Eastern Beach.  Should Bomber decide that it’s ‘okay mate’ for him too at The Cattery, the teetering at the abyss shapes more like a plunge.  Collingwood go on to Death or Glory next Saturday Arvo, confident in the knowledge that Their Best Is Enough.  Geelong?  They may well be going on to death by a thousand cuts.

And can we not have any more Collingwood jokes.  We all know where the websites are that list these trivial slurs on a Great Football Club.  A club that has suffered the slings and barbs of outrageous fortune over the eons.  And if every dog has his day – every Magpie has his score.  So read this one and cringe ye who have heaped derision on The Monochromes over the last 20 years.  Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their relationships.  The first says, “My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our sex life is like one premiership after another”.  The second says, “My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the back-to-back victories of 1997 and ’98”.  They then look at their friend, who hasn’t yet said a thing.? “What’s wrong,” they say as their friend starts sobbing.  “Well,” she says hesitantly, “my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on the end of the bed and tell me how wonderful it’s going to be”. Read it and repent.

The Junction Oval Seagulls v The Sons of The West.  The ball was greasy and the contestants nervous.  The Doggies – without Gillard in the team – threw everything at The Feeling Faints but just couldn’t nail them.  They opened with the 1st three majors and there was a sense of Boilover in the air.  The Bullies had The Saints’ playmakers covered and the Football was attritional.  (There’s no such word Wrap – Ed)  There is now Ed.  Only St Kilda’s dour defence was keeping them in the contest.  During the Long Break the van carrying The Seagulls Mojo arrived at the ground and they came out with all guns blazing.  This was an all out onslaught of the most frightening ferocity that matched in every sense Carringbush’s Opening Stanza of the previous night.  When the smoke cleared for the Citrus Huddle Saint Kilda had piled on 7-4 to 1-3.  When Kossy & Rooey kicked the opening two goals of the last it was put down the glasses.  The Sons of The West kept coming but they couldn’t buy a goal and it was a sad farewell for their games Record Holder & Captain.  He was joined by Nathan Eagleton and with Harbrow tipped to head North, Footscray left the field for the last time in Season 2010.  The feeling in the dressing room and along Droop Street would have been flat.  (Not as flat as the pleasant Saturday Morning down at Kardinia Park – Ed)  The Sainters looked powerful, when the match had to be won, but SOTG were left wondering about injuries to Del Santo and Kossy’s inability to dominate the key CHF position.  True, Riewoldt made up for some of his deficiencies, but while Kossy took seven marks and kicked 2-1, only two of the marks were contested and Lake played off him all night, keeping The Bulldogs hopes alive.  Riewoldt’s kicking – a wasteful 3-3-2 would be another big worry for next weekend.  On the night The Kennel Coughs were equally wasteful and it could be said that they lost the game by not being able to apply scoreboard pressure on St Kilda.  But we all know that BKIBF.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.

Comments

  1. Peter Flynn says:

    And GKIGF.

    Cheers Wrap.

  2. See you Friday Peter.

    jdm

  3. I was passed that very same yarn about amonth ago John, but being a conservative type I thought it in appropriate for such a forum.

    I was wrong, again, it came out very well. I needed something to bring the colour back to my whiskers.

    Keep on Wrapp’n.

    Phantom.

  4. Which yarn was that Phanto? There are so many yarns in the Wrap City. That’s our motto – If you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

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