Gee, what an off-season that was! I was shocked, shocked I tell you! How ever could he have thought he’d get away with it? The arrogance of it all. How did he think the rest of the club would think of him when they discovered that Trav had been parking in Perty’s reserved spot?
Which was the first thing I’ve read of football since September. There was cricket, American Football, cricket, tennis, or so I heard, the Superbowl, more cricket and the pitch at my local oval is still roped off, so I’ll be able to wander down there one icy morning and watch a Sheffield Shield match.
The most memorable moment of the last six months – wait, make that the most memorable sporting moment of the last six months – was the Washington Redskins win over Baltimore Ravens in December. Down 28-20 very late in the match, the Redskins were driving downfield when the hot quarterback, Robert Griffin III, known as RG3, did his knee. He kept going, threw a great pass off one leg to get them to 11 yards, then crawled off the field. Rookie backup Kirk Cousins came on, threw a touchdown pass then ran in for the two-point conversion. Scores level and the Skins kicked a field goal in overtime.
It was fantastic! It was everything you want of sport, drama, excitement, great tales, I was on my feet cheering and yelling like I hadn’t since the Grand Final. I’m not even a fan of the Redskins, they don’t mean anything to me, but it was such a tremendous few minutes that I couldn’t help but be drawn in.
So, here we are, on the verge of another season of the elite level of the oldest code of football in the world, predictions and prognostications are being typed by manic fingers the length and breadth of this sunburnt land. Fatima, the work experience girl here at the offices of Trans-Dementia Inc (publishers of The ‘Mopsy’ Fraser Cup), has come up with an asterisk rating system:
* – “They can book their flights to Bali today. Ali knows this guy…”
** – “Like, they’re not reaaally that bad. Not really.”
*** – “How do you spell prelimerarary again?”
**** – “Oh my god! They could, like, win the Grand Final!”
I went out to the pub for a beer with Dave and didn’t get back for two days. Luckily, Fatima, plucky little lass she is, had typed up some notes whilst locked in the office.
Adelaide – ****
There are Crows outside on the power lines, they’re looking at me weird, like they’re hungry.
Brisbane – ***
I went to Brisbane for my cousin’s wedding last year, my other cousin is engaged to this guy, OMG, he’s gross but maybe next year or the year after, he could be okay.
Carlton – ***
I had this so good pizza in Carlton, like, there was a new cook, y’know? Bahija vomited on the footpath, gross!
Collingwood – ***
No, wait, like, she like vomited on the footpath in Collingwood! I think.
Essendon – **
Who’s that guy with the weird name? Jobe? Who has a name like Jobe? He’s, like, really good but no-one else is.
Footscray – *
Bahija wanted to go to Footscray but I said like no way!
Fremantle – ****
There’s this, like, inflatable anchor over the front door here. It’s pretty cool.
Geelong – ***
My cousin Ahmed lives in Geelong. He says it’s good, but not great, y’know?
Gold Coast – *
I went there for schoolies. Yuck!
Hawthorn – ****
Lance is so hot! Who are the other 12?
Melbourne – *
All these teams are in Melbourne! This one can’t be good.
North Melbourne – ***
Ali hit a kangaroo with his Commodore and it got up and attacked him!
Port Adelaide – *
There’s, like, Adelaide and there’s Port Adelaide? I’ve got this perfume named Port, so is Port ‘Adelaide’ the perfume version of Adelaide?
Richmond – **
The boss, he has these like weird friends, they talk about Richmond for like, forever, I think the pope used to play for Richmond.
St Kilda – ***
My boss, he’s been, like, out for soooo long! I don’t think he’s ever coming back.
Sydney – ****
Someone here told me they were good. And if you’re good, you’re good?
West Sydney – *
This is my team, like, I, live there and Bahija met this guy and she said, like, “five years later!”
West Coast – ****
Ali, he, like, he went to the mines and he has soooo much money, he reckons he can do anything.
I can’t find the key, I think my stupid boss has locked me in. OMG, he has such loooong lunches, I’ll use his telephone to call Bahija. She is like sooooo dumb sometimes, but she’s my BFF.
Thanx muchly Fatima, you’ve done some great work there. Once again, I apologise for locking you in the office but remember, if you’re going to spend several hours on facebook, you ought to delete the history files. Jaxon doesn’t want to hear about Nerinder, right?
But I’ve founda few post-it notes on the floor – “Swans back six are unsettled” – “Eagles forward line – ???” – “Pav may rise above, take Purps with him”
Good luck, Tipsters
This week, The 2013 ‘Mopsy’ Fraser Cup has been brought to you by Todd Rundgren.