The 2012 ‘Mopsy’ Fraser Cup – Round Twenty

Greetings Tipsters

Hunkered down on the couch to watch the rematch of the Schoolies and the Barbecues, we were informed that it came from some place known as Metricon Stadium and I said “What the hell is a Metricon?”

It came to me all at once, with great thuds of earth shaking import, 400 feet of metallic ziguratted humanoid , its almighty shining feet beclawed, plasmatic death rays mounted on each of its fingers glinting cruelly in the afternoon sun, photonous torpedoes launched from its shoulders of a 90 foot span, stomping down Cavill Avenue, taking swipes at apartment blocks and sending tremedous chunks of marble and polished granite falling to the streets below while refugees from the rust belt run hither and yon in a maelstrom of confusion and hysteria, all the while bellowing in a stentorian voice, 167 decibels of doom broadcasts to a world quivering with fear “I – AM – METRICON!”

The game was always gonna be a letdown after that. Even Gazza’s polished skull couldn’t hold my attention though it was reassuring to notice that Liam Patrick’s given up on the pigtails. For one term the ball bounced off chests, through hands and went shooting off in all manner of directions unintended by the manufacturer. Then the Schoolies remembered that they were, allegedly, professionals and got a bit of a lead happening. I went for a walk, discovered a new restaurant named ‘Amazon Steakhouse’ which I intend to patronise in the near future and upon my return, bearing beer and chocolate, discovered that the Schoolies had maintained that bit of a lead and that the Barbecues will in all likelihood have the #1 draught pique.

Bad Kicking is Bad Football. Later that evening the Sparkies kicked 8.16, which is Very Bad Football. Neverthelss, they remain top of the ladder. Confucian Mick reckons that the Mayblooms and the 4&20s have been hard done by because the Sparkies and the Murder are imposters.

In the Four, that is. He had nothing to say about the Mosquitoes been in the Eight, everyone’s keeping mum on that topic, even Hirdy, who’s secretly training in case he has to pull on the boots and he can barely get through a training session without hearing “Ow crap, me hammy!” but you can’t help but wonder how moving to a new training ground is gonna make a difference to any of this. Although it is at an airport, so maybe, in a high tech bid to combat soft tissue injuries, the players will, instead of Running Jumping Standing Still (short lived mid-1960s rock and roll combo, also activities engaged in by Australian Football footballers) be hooked up to helicopters and will portray the motions without any risk of strain caused by feet hitting the turf. Senior club figures have been most impressed by early trials but for the inherent rotor diameter of helicopters, Said CEO Ian Robson “We want to get ahold of some jetpacks but they’re proving to be very difficult to source going forward. I find this very difficult to believe as I used to watch the Jetsons as a child going forward and jetpacks were very common going forward.”

In later developments, the Tiggers are keen to play a match in Mumbai, India. Seems there are many issues to be worked through (going forward, no doubt) including safety, which will come as a surprise to the millions of backpackers wandering around there on a daily basis. I can only hope that News Ltd finds space in its travel budget to send that cranky ol’ blowhard Patrick Smith over there and he takes a wrong turn or eats something that he shouldn’t or gets stuck into the bhang lassies and ends up sitting on the beach at Goa chanting and muttering to himself or his endless well of negativity gets turned inward and his psyche explodes in a welter of past lives. At what point does his endless harping qualify him as a ‘sports’ journalist?

Cheers Tipsters

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About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.

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