Standing on the outside lookin’ in

Well here we are, already a third of the way through the season and just as things were starting to find some semblance of order, a whole crate of pears fell of the back of a truck. So here are some observations to ponder of the season so far. It’s time for a spray.

If the Limbo was an Olympic sport, the Selwood boys have the podium covered.

Small forwards are the new senior rookie. Maybe the opening up of the game with throw ups has resulted in the fleet of food getting more of look in, which is only good for the short arses of the world.

If black is supposed to make you look thinner, how fat would Dane Swan look in a Sydney jumper?

If scientists could harness the power of ironic crowd cheers, the need for fossil fuel would be removed after every Dons and Pies game.

What a shame Nick Riewoldt will most likely never get to play in a premiership team. On the upside, nor will Stephen Milne

Is Harry O’Brien the hardest bloke to tackle in football? Did I just compliment a Collingwood player?

Would it be a defensible action if both captains agreed to simultaneously belt Ray Chamberlain at the centre coin toss?

Despite the Gnat’s poor on field performance, the AFL has one thing going for in their quest to win over Western Sydney. Phil Gould is that thing.

If Brereton and Taylor were placed in the same room, could their combined banality and inane stupidity be garnered to supplement the collective powers of ironic cheers?

Should jumpers have dedicated colour panels sown on to them to indicate the various parts of the anatomy to assist umpires in adjudicating a push in the back and high tackle?

If players had one hand tied behind their back, would the quality of disposal of the ball really be any different?

Can you really blame the Dees for turning up the sod when David Neitz says you are no good?

The goal line review is working a treat. Everyone can now make air squares and it will be a ripper when they get some actual cameras somewhere near the posts and not on goal umpire hats.

When will Kevin Sheedy realise he is not the messiah but just a huge millstone hanging around the neck of a lot of  impressionable boys?

If my job description outlined that the key requirements of my employment were being able to kick and catch, wouldn’t you think I should actually be able to fulfil those requirements to maintain my employment?

If a team had 3 ruckman with a collective height of 12.7m, would you think that at least one of them might be able to take a contested mark?

If Jack’s mood reflects the fortune of the Tigers, should Blues fans be very concerned about Mick’s optimism after last week’s debacle on Monday night?

I thought they brought in a rule about staging to milk a free. Is It now on the Auskick CD?

Proof of Port’s resurgence can be seen by the removal of large sheets of plastic from the seats at AMMI allowing actual people to sit at home games. I think there are only nine sections covered now.

Does anyone actually know what Davis King’s diagrams actually mean? Does David know?

If Dermie fell in the forest, would anybody care?

Kevin Bartlett is under pressure to step down from the rules committee. All those in favour. Mr Magoo, welcome to your new job.

After repeating the footage 4 times on Sunday Pre-Game show, I think Andrew Walker might have kicked a goal of some description last week.

We like a close game but could commentators stop barracking for a close game. As much as you try to will a team’s comeback, the relative talents of the two teams will most likely determine the outcome. Not withstanding shit free kicks that is.

Anyone else lining up for electroconvulsive therapy to erase child hood mantra that if you put your head over the ball, the umpires will look after you?

On a similar vein. Thank you rules men for additional seagulls at the footy, and not just the ones eating spilled chips.

Could all teams containing a player whose names rhymes with boo please delist them immediately?

If you had one person to have a shot would it be

a) Travis Cloke

b Buddy Franklin

c) Elmer Fudd

The head is sacrosanct unless you use it as a weapon against the knee.

Are the Bullies really just a tax minimisation scheme for David Smorgon?

Jimmy Bartell makes 4 bloopers in the first 10 minutes of a Saturday night game. Who would have bet on that? Tom Waterhouse at $1.85.

Prior opportunity is a state of consciousness or the G spot of football.

The Three Amigos are

a) a silly American movie

b) a mexican mariachi band

c) three little blokes masquerading as the Carlton forward line

What a revelation it will be for footballers when they realise that the left foot is part of the human body and not something outlined by the Integrity Committee.

Is there a used by date on peptides? If so, was it 17 May 2013?

They say good players have that bit more time and space. If that is true, could Brock Maclean borrow some of it?

Polly Farmer once said that if we didn’t need umpires, we wouldn’t have them. I beg to differ.

Is Josh Hunt’s new tattoo sleeve really good for the Geelong brand?

Beards? Please explain? It’s not Game of Thrones.

There is a reason why Spud Frawley and Jason Dunstall have their own TV show. It’s just not apparent to anyone on this planet

A couple of ideas for theme rounds

Whack the full forward in the lug round
Shirt front Hayden Ballantyne round
Ignore an umpire round
Open slather Stephen Dank supplement round
Jeff Kennett shuts his mouth up round
Nick Maxwell goes to an opponent round (that felt better)

See ya later

About Tony Robb

A life long Blues supporter of 49 years who has seen some light at the end of the tunnel that isn't Mick Malthouse driving a train.

Comments

  1. Yeah, not bad for a Carlton supporter. Very amusing in fact.

  2. Tony

    Yes, yes and very much so yes. Great list, brilliant observations.

    Maybe we could introduce hypercolour footy jumpers so we could inspect the hand prints after a marking contest and dodgy free kick.

    Think it’s an interesting sign of improvement when the Dees fall by 6 goals and are applauded and Port open up seats to the public and that’s progress.

    Not happy with the appropriation of the Three Amigos to be a Blues forward line description, messing with a classic there. What next, Josh Caddy-Shack?

    Sean

  3. TR, these sprays of yours are always good for some big laughs. This one was no exception (and the best line was the Smorgan one … sadly for us Dogs fans though.)

  4. Paul Daffey says:

    Some classics, Tony.

    I reckon ruckmen should be able to take contested marks as well.

  5. Earl O'Neill says:

    Flipping heck, Tony, there’s a lot to think about there.

    David Schwarz had a lot to say about his old club, Didn’t hear about Neitz mouthing off tho.

  6. David Wilson says:

    Great stuff TR. I wondered about my own sanity watching Jimmy B muff his lines on the Saturday night, too. But then, who knows what sort if matinee show he’d already played that afternoon.
    And I could watch that flukey ball bounce away from Milne in the tied GF again & again & again. And have done. It’s worth a look.
    Cheerio djw

  7. David Wilson says:

    Ahh, great stuff Tony.
    I wondered about the state of the planetary alignment watching JimmyB get the yips on the Saturday night, too. But then, perhaps he’d already played some kind(?) of matinee show.
    As for the beards, too much beard is never enough.
    Thanks & cheerio, djw

  8. Tony Robb says:

    Thanks Folks
    Earl your are correct I got my overrated former Melbourne forwards mixed up
    cheers
    TR

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