Round 7 – Collingwood v Carlton: 5 stages of grief in a Smith St bar

“I’m like a waterlogged ball, that no one wants to kick round any more…”
– You Am I, Heavy Heart

===
In the last unrenovated Smith Street bar; Sunday.

 

– Whose shout?
– I’ll go.
– I can’t believe this is happening.
– 2 and 5.
– 2 and fking 5.
– Carlton.

 

-How about that, eh?
– I’m bloody fuming.
– You and me both.
– I’m serious.
– Loose men everywhere.
– Every-fking-where.

 

-Pffffffffffffffff…
– You right?
– …fffffffffk it all.
– All of it.

 

Pool balls crash at the back of the room. It’s a good break.

-We’re gone.
– Cactus.
– Gone.
– Bucks?
– Gone.
– Eddie?
– Gone.

 

Slow moving traffic stops outside; cars are caught behind a tram.

-Why does no one hit a target?
– It’s his team now.
– Can’t hit a barn door.
– It’s his fifth season.
– He wanted to lift the skill level. Remember?
– Still waiting.
– Gun players don’t necessarily make good coaches.
– What about gun media performers?

 

-But he speaks so well. He’s a thinker.
– He does. He is.
– He’s got the logic all sorted. The theory.
– He does.
– But it’s not working.
– Well, this is a prac exam. Not a theory exam. Theory is only part of it.
– Yeah.
– The pilot of a plane at some point has to fly the plane.
– Yeah.
– She can’t just learn about propulsion and weather; she has to fly it.
– Yeah.
– Even when things go wrong, she has to fly it. Solve problems on the fly.
– Especially when things go wrong.
– You’d hope.

 

Two bright young things dismount from their bikes; chain them to a parking sign.

 

-How much difference does a coach make anyway?
– Huh?
– Look at Chris Scott there with that 2011 flag.
– Yeah.
– It wasn’t even his team.
– No.
– It’s a player’s game.
– It’s a player’s game.

 

 

-We’ve got shiteloads of injuries.
– Excuses.
– No, look. No Swan, Elliott…
– Excuses.
– Adams, Langdon…
– Excuses.
– Not to mention Keeffe and yer other dill.
– Don’t mention them.
– Reserves were hammered, too.
– Shite.
– It’s gonna be a long season.

 

Janelle from the bar approaches with two fresh pints.

 

-Ahh, thanks a lot.
– Mind reader.
– Jeez, but it’s not a good year to finish low down.
– Fking GWS get the first round draft picks.
– I might follow the Giants.
– Oh yeah – catch up with Heath Shaw.
– He’s going well.
– He is.

 

The bright young things finish their intricate chaining manoeuvre; cross the road. Another bar. There’s always another bar.

 

-What the hell is going on?
– No one knows.
– They’re lazy.
– The players?
– The players, selectors, coaches, the administration, the lot of them.
– All of them?
– I don’t know. Sack them all.
– Send a message.
– Exactly. Complacent, snouts-in-the-trough, old boys.
– We need an outsider.
– A messiah.

 

 

-But there’s still time.
– In 2016?
– Yeah. We’ve gotta be patient.
– It’s going nowhere, mate. We’re getting worse.
– The good times will come.
– They might not. Did you think of that?
– Well. All things pass.
– Like time since our last winning final. When was that?
– I dunno.
– No.

 

 

-But really; we should understand this is a challenging game. There are opponents.
– Oh genius. Bravo.
– And that we are doing our best.
– Oh give the man a trophy for turning up.
– And we will get our turn.
– Bullshite. Look at the Dogs. Look at the Saints. Look at Melbourne recently.
– Yeah.
– Nothing happens on merit. Because you deserve it.
– No.
– Meritocracy is a lovely idea. But the world just doesn’t work that way.
– No.
– It’s not fair. Life is not fair.

 

 

-Lions this week.
– Whereabouts?
– Brisbane.
– Ahh, shite.

 

-Somehow you’re not supposed to mention injuries.
– No.
– Somehow to mention them means that you’re making excuses.
– Yeah.
– But take half a dozen out of any side and the side changes.
– Yeah.
– Change the people, you change the team.
– Yeah.
– Seriously, the team represents Collingwood, they wear the jumper, but those guys on Saturday are not the same people as played in pre-season.
– No.
– They’re young ‘uns. Different needs, different skills.
– So?
– So they are different people. We have to expect different things.
– If you say ‘expectation management’ I’ll be most upset.
– Just be aware.
– Oh, I’m aware of 2 and 5. I’m aware of Carlton.

 

 

Rain falls steadily in the darkness outside now. Headlights are reflected from the road surface; from the tram tracks. They’re onto the red.

 

 

-So if the meritocracy is rubbish…
– Yeah.
– What is it we need?
– Huh?
– Well hard work doesn’t guarantee success; so what’s the difference?
– It’s simple.
– What is it?
– It’s luck.
– Luck?
– Luck.
– You’re kidding.
– No mate, we all underplay the importance of luck in life.
– Am I on Candid Camera?
– Ha ha. No, it’s luck. Just wait for it to turn.
– Genius.
– Makes more sense than any other of these so-called cause and effect solutions.
– Luck?
– That’s right. Play the young kids and wait for luck to arrive.
– Right place, right time?
– Look at Chris Scott.
– Hmm.
– Look at Dane Swan, Bob Murphy, injured. Look at Richard Hadley – premiership in his fourth game. So much luck, mate.
– The shifty shadow.
– There’s so much we can’t control in this life.
– The shifty shadow of luck.
– But we live with the false idea that we can change things.
– Yeah.
– Or that we deserve them.
– Yeah.

 

-So we should just cop it.
– Just cop it.
– Grin and bear it.
– Well stop whining… Maybe just get on with it. Be humble.
– There you go.
– Acceptance.
– Go pies.
– Go pies.

 

A band loosens up in the corner. Glances and twitches. Some big chords.

-I miss Swanny.
– Me too.
– This t-shirt’s got a wine stain.
– Every t-shirt’s got a wine stain.