Round 3 – St Kilda v Adelaide: The Noel’s Caravans/Jock Cheese Cup

BREAKING-

Malcolm Blight to replace Neil Kerley as face of Noel’s Caravans

Green Fields, Adelaide, April 2018

In a jolt to the chummy SANFL-football-icons-turned-caravan-promoters-community, Neil Kerley has quit his post as a spokesperson for the quality yet affordable leisure vehicles that are available at Noel’s.

With the reggae-kitsch and ear-wormish jingle playing over the lot’s PA system Kerls barked, “I’m cooked,” to the mob gathered among the Millards. The gnarled legend then elaborated, “From now on you’ll only catch me by the yabby-rich yet cotton-theft-ravaged waters of Walker Flat. Flogging caravans is a young man’s game.”

Heir presumptive, Malcolm Blight then took an Island Star 21-footer for a spin about Noel’s substantial block, and upon returning frowned at the narrow corridor into which he had to back the van. He was heard to mutter, “I can’t get this in here,” and despite The Messiah and his towed entourage being eighty metres away, another, likely interior voice breathed, “Yes, I can. I’m Malcolm Blight!”

Onlookers attest that the ex-Woodville Woodpeckers star then neatly reversed the caravan to a parking space by the front office, just like a wizened Jim’s Mowing franchisee.

After decades away from Adelaide, we welcome him home and await his work with Noel’s. And Malcolm, watch those bunkers on the 18th at Glenelg, an emu couldn’t escape them.

*
Like the charismatic connection between Adelaide Oval’s hot chips and the ever-newsworthy chicken salt, or early period Miles Davis and the popularisation of modal jazz’s harmonic rhythms, I can’t think of St Kilda without seeing Melbourne band TISM and their music video, “Greg! The Stop Sign!!”

Who can forget the footage of Saints (and Kimba) chap Shane Wakelin, alongside Justin Peckett and those anonymous others, pedaling their gym bikes? That this is accompanied by Beach Boys-styled vocals augments the sumptuousness, and as modern TAC satire’s most illustrious shot the camera then pans past various motivational signages festooned on the walls, including my eternal favourite: “Your (sic) a professional. Keep it simple.”

*
Saturday night and with Blight, Kerley and TISM alumni Humphrey B. Flaubert, Jock Cheese, Eugene de la Hot Croix Bun, and Ron Hitler-Barassi doubtlessly peering at the box (although probably not together) this fixture is underway.

Crow-for-life Mitch McGovern grabs and goals to get us underway but such is my remove from yoof that I can’t read his Anchorman moustache. Is it authentic, ironic or post-ironic? PM me if you can help.

For the Saints, the aspirational housing developer’s dream Blake Acres (You’ll love coming home to Blake Acres), bends it too far at the other end. He’s lively early. While the Crows finished fluently last week they’re stuttering tonight.

Meanwhile the wife is watching The Bridges of Madison County. I trust Clint’s getting a few touches. Young Saint Jimmy Webster (was he in Goodfellas?) is also strong in attack, but the home side isn’t capitalising on their possession. Cam Ellis-Yolmen looks impressive around the ball, and his big body adds some grunt in this Crouchless knickers onball division. Meanwhile, Acres continues to be given too much space.

With daylight savings ended it’s dark at six, but still appealingly warm. I’m watching the game on a device on our patio, but somehow there’s more flies now than there were in January. I should light a mossie candle. I’d also have thought the Docklands seagull curfew to have passed but apparently not.

885 saints have been canonized by Pope Francis (2013–) during his pontificate and most of them (ignoring the five years after their death detail) have turned up to watch their eponymous side. There’s plenty of empty seats across the Docklands stadium so the miracle verification can continue apace.

Tom Lynch again shows his crystal vision and quick kicking which results in a major. He must be in the first six picked, every week. What if next year there’s two Tom Lynches in one side? Speaking of such, how lucky were we to have had so many Nathan Browns play AFL in the last decade?

Eddie finally opens his season’s account with a signature sequence of side-stepping and Sherrin-curling. With the birth of twin girls earlier today, he’s had a surreal day in which life and footy have intersected in beautiful and complex ways.

Then, a Richard Douglas goal is reviewed to a behind because, allegedly, a subatomic fingernail particle made contact with the ball for a zeptosecond. Clearly, the physics is beyond me, but I’m sure these decisions are made using the Large Hadron Collider (LHC).

The second half starts and I wonder how Ron, Humphrey, Jock and co are. I wonder if Kerls is cooking some yabbies and how Blighty hit them today. Sweetly, I’m guessing.

Don’t let me down, Bruce, gets one for the locals and they seem primed. But then the game again descends to the mundane, despite the clear night. Like the final hour of a bikie wedding reception this is untidy stuff, until Betts gets it out the back to break the tedium. JB is settling into his new commentating role. I’d argue he’s better than BT or KB or DK or SK or BJ or VB.

The Crows register three rapidly, and the complexion changes. Then former Pie Seedsman applies an exquisite tackle and we’re five goals to the good. Tex, off a step…

I duck into the boys’ room and coax the youngest to put down his latest Captain Underpants book (No, it wasn’t based upon a Saints’ end of season trip). He’s had a big day.

During the denouement Eddie takes a hanger. The siren sounds. The kick’s skinny, and irrelevant.

ST KILDA 2.6 3.9 4.12 7.13 (55)
ADELAIDE 3.2 5.7 11.10 15.14 (104)

GOALS
St Kilda: Sinclair, Acres, Coffield, Bruce, Gresham, Geary, Armitage
Adelaide: Betts 3, Walker 3, Seedsman 2, McGovern 2, Atkins 2, Douglas, Jenkins, Gibbs

BEST
St Kilda: Sinclair, Dunstan, Ross, Newnes, Steven
Adelaide: Gibbs, Laird, Jacobs, Seedsman, Douglas, Betts

INJURIES
St Kilda: Membrey (knee soreness, replaced by Wright)

Adelaide: Nil

Reports: Nil

Umpires: Brown, Findlay, Ryan

Official crowd: 19,324 at Etihad Stadium

Our best: Laird, Seedsman, Gibbs

About Mickey Randall

Late afternoon beer, Exile on Main St playing. Sport like cricket, most types of football, golf, squash, horse racing. Travel, with Vancouver my favourite city, but there’s nowhere I’ve not happily been. Except Luton. Reading. Writing about family, sport, music, the stuff that amuses me. Conversation. Wit. Irony. McLaren Vale cabernet sauvignon, Barossa shiraz, Coopers Sparkling Ale. Jazz and especially Miles Davis. Lots and lots of music. I live in Adelaide with my wife Kerry-ann and our boys Alex and Max.

Comments

  1. You’re taking the piss Mickey. Kimba, Kerls, chicken salt, yabbies, Humphrey (what does the B stand for?), Blighty (question answered) – all in one piece. Loved it. I’ll see your Amscol and raise you a Woodie Woodroofes.
    When the game is so mundane we need to find ways to entertain ourselves. Will the “mundane” third round one day rival the rivalry round or the “difficult” second album. Is it because Bruce is away? Does SA have a higher proportion of Bruces (McAvaney; Lindner; Winter etc) than any other state? Is Bruce in Burleigh Heads at the Empire Games (I’d have to tune in to find out). Do they have fox hunting as a nod to tradition? Is Barnaby Joyce in jodhpurs competing for Australia? He has the complexion, girth, enlightened social attitudes and requisite mistresses. Kangaroo royalty? Have he and Camilla been seen together over the weekend? Would their offspring make the first XVIII in the line of succession?
    Much to contemplate. You can take the boy out of Green Fields, but you can’t take the Fruchocs out of the boy.

  2. There’s so much to contemplate PB. I must confess that I’m more interested in our boys’ sports day this week than the Commonwealth Games. I just find it the worst kind of jingoism (is there a good kind?) dressed up as, well, I don’t know what.

    A work colleague and her husband flew to Melbourne and went to the Crows and Saints last night. Hopefully, she can share some insights and experiences that might elevate my recollections. At least she wouldn’t have been caught in a queue.

    Thanks for this.

  3. Luke Reynolds says:

    Mickey, love that TISM clip. The only thing better than their names was their magnificent song titles.
    The Blake Acres line is one of your very best!!
    Happy to see Seedsman doing well.
    The crowd would be very worrying for St Kilda, reckon a TISM reunion gig would triple that figure.

  4. Post-ironic

  5. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says:

    That first half reminded me of a different song of theirs that may have mentioned prunes.

  6. Jennifer Muirden says:

    Surprisingly brilliant and astute observations, Mickey.

    Winners are grinners. Saints are sinners. Sigh.

    TISM rock! Memories of 1987 first year RMIT Uni ball @ Melbourne Town Hall. Greg! The Stop sign!!! Painters and Dockers. Paul Stewart. ‘We’re all going to nude school…nude school, that’s for me!!

    Jimmy Webster – solid defender. Rate him highly. On the night, he could hold his head high. Ditto ever reliable workhorse, Boxer Steven.

    Saints… Don’t go breaking my heart …

  7. Mathilde de Hauteclocque says:

    Genuine giggles here.
    Thanks Mickey. Thanks.
    And I do like and agree with Smokie’s ‘post ironic.’

  8. Thanks Luke. “The Parable of Glenn McGrath’s Haircut”, “Professor Derrida Deconstructs” and “Martin Scorsese Is Really Quite a Jovial Fellow” are among my favourites. Looking forward now to Friday night- should be great. Good luck!

    Smokie- agreed.

    Ah, yes, Swish, Eva.

    Thanks Jennifer. For one reason or another I didn’t catch them live. Would have been terrific. Do you think the Saints need to recruit a few more blokes called Jack?

    Thanks Mathilde. While the game was short on giggles there were a couple second half moments, among the seagulls.

    Thanks to everyone.

  9. Dave Brown says:

    Lovely Mickey. Tony Modra’s spruiking someone’s caravans atm isn’t he? Yeah, not much of a match. Struggle to see how St Kilda win many playing like this. Hate to think what that crowd number would’ve been without the Crows types. And as for Bruces, PB, my favourite Bruce stat is the last four Bruces to have played in the AFL (Lennon, Abernethy, Lindner and Lindsay) are all South Australian, yet the stadium named in their honour is rectangular and in Canberra.

  10. Thanks Dave. I guess spruiking caravans is a (tiny) step in front of flogging funeral insurance. Only a couple years’ back the Saints were the team outside the eight regarded as the most likely to. What’s happened?

    Has Lord Bogan selected a team of blokes called Bruce yet?

Leave a Comment

*