Round 16 Winners and Losers

After a two week absence Winners and Losers has returned bigger and better than ever*. Round 16 saw  Richmond take Richmondness to unfathomable levels as Karmichael Hunt snatched pole position in the “did that really just happen?” awards from Chris ‘arms aren’t meant to go that way’ Judd.

*This is in no way a guarantee.

Winners

Karmichael Hunt

*This film is yet to be classified*

Voiceover: What if Karmichael Hunt kicked a goal after the siren to win a game of football?

Smash cut to footage of Hunt kicking his goal. Sinister sounding music begins to play. Dennis Quaid is seen on his knees, his face centimetres from the screen. He looks up:

What does this mean?

A deep groaning sound can be heard.

The Golden Gate Bridge appears on screen. It is a beautiful day. The bridge begins to shake. Cars a top the bridge begin to stop. The bridge begins to disintegrate.

The groaning sound repeats.

It is a cold morning in Wiltshire, England. A few tourists are gathered at Stonehenge. Light slowly begins to emanate from a few of the stones. As the onlookers approach,  light suddenly explodes forth from each stone, forming a pillar that pierces the sky.

The groaning sound repeats, louder.

The Great Pyramid of Giza appears. There is an eerie silence. It implodes.

The groaning sound repeats, louder and faster.

A ‘person-who-is-obviously-a-scientist-because-they-are-wearing-a-lab-coat’ looks up from a computer screen with a look of horror:

It’s not possible!

The groaning sound repeats, louder and faster.

A montage of  images appear. The Eiffel Tower just topples over. A man tells the President his family has been relocated to a secure bunker. Water breaches the Hoover Dam. Dennis Quaid mentions something about all the planets aligning. The sinister music reaches its crescendo before violently stopping. A voice screams ‘we never saw it coming!’ 

The screen fades to black.

The words ‘from Roland Emmerich’ appear.

Sydney

The Eagles list of outs may be overwhelming, but beating them in Perth remains a tough task. The Swans did what they should’ve done and ascended to the top of the table as a result.

North Melbourne

In the battle of the not-as-good-as-we-probably-should-be’s it was North Melbourne who emerged triumphant. The Kangaroos managed to withstand Carlton and Steven Seagal  Chris Judd to win by a commanding 53 point margin.

The Roos had winners all over the ground. Captain Andrew Swallow, Daniel Wells and Jack Ziebell managed to outstrip the efforts of Chris Judd and the returning Marc Murphy. The three Roos led all comers with 15 contested possessions each and 25 clearances between them, while Drew Petrie became the first player subbed off under the mercy rule.

Scott Gumbleton

No one likes to see a player denied their chance at the top level, so I imagine most folks in the very least were hoping Gumbleton got through his AFL return unscathed. The number 2 pick in the 2006 draft, Gumbleton had only managed 22 appearances in his 6 years at AFL level heading into the game against Port Adelaide.

His return was a success by any measure. Gumbleton had 14 possessions, 5 marks and 3 goals. Most importantly he didn’t break in half. Fingers crossed he can string some games together.

Everyone associated with the Adelaide Crows

I think I even kicked a goal for them.

Chris Judd

For successfully adding “dislocating opponent’s shoulder” to his list of “things I can get away with”.

Note I am making the assumption he gets off here. On one hand this is a massive assumption. On the other, this is a man who got away with eye gouging.

Twice.

Losers

Chris Judd

Seriously, what the hell was that? At what point did that seem like a good idea? There is no possible justification he could offer for what he did. It would be insulting if the tribunal don’t give him a holiday.

Jack Ziebell

Perhaps not the smartest thing he has done, but three weeks?

Daniel Rich

Definitely not the smartest thing he has done. I think his situation was much worse than Ziebells’. Ziebell was attacking a ball that was in dispute and arrived ever so slightly later than Joseph. His error was leaving the ground which led to the high contact. The Rich/Jones situation was worse purely because football had nothing to do with it. There was no ball to win. The play was dead and Rich made an unnecessary and dangerous decision to push Jones into the fence. Like the Judd incident, the non-accidental nature makes it more troubling.

West Coast Eagles

The phrase if it bleeds, we can kill it comes to mind. There are only so many injuries a team can cop before it starts to impact on results, and the Eagles held out much longer than most can. I’m amazed at how well they kept managing to chug along without key players like Kennedy, Le Cras and a host of handy first 22 players to boot. On Sunday names like Shuey were added to the missing list and it seemed to finally catch up with them. The Eagles were well beaten by a quality Swans outfit, but I feel the margin had more to do with the Eagles being without the likes of those mentioned above rather than their opponents being overwhelmingly better.

Geelong

A once magnificent beast showing the world it is no longer what it once was. The fear around the name Geelong still remains, but it is fast fading. They are above only the Demons, Suns and Giants for clearances, and aren’t much higher in contested possessions. But it’s the aura as well. For the first time in a long time fans aren’t looking at the fixture, seeing v Geelong, and thinking “we can’t win that”.

That said I can still easily picture Geelong finishing 8th and beating both 5th and the loser of the qualifying final to reach a prelim. The fear remains.

Richmond

Things never said by anyone ever:

“Rocky V is my favourite of the whole series!”

“Being Lara Bingle is on! Awesome!”

“Die Hard was okay, I guess”

“Being a Richmond fan is a pleasant experience”

Richmond fans

It’s like being in the ring with Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson, except each round lasts a year are we’re up to round 32.

Tigers

Richmond is giving actual Tigers a bad name. They are in danger of becoming the laughingstock of the entire Animal Kingdom. Antelope will start mocking them if they get wind of this.

Other members of the cat family

Lions, Leopards, Panthers, Jaguars, Wildcats, even my neighbour’s Siamese cat Mr Jeffries. All sullied by association.

 

 

About Adam Ritchie

My name is Adam. I started watching football with two fellow parapsychologists in an abandoned firehouse. When we’re not watching footy, we’re running our own pest control business. What do you mean I stole that from Ghostbusters?

Comments

  1. Earl O'Neill says:

    Careful about those cats, I’m a Detroit Lions fan. We might even win a playoff next season, if the D-line avoids imprisonment.

  2. Richard Naco says:

    There was a joke told at the GWS Members’ Forum of the sound track to the winning goal, as heard at the incredibly pro-NRL Daily Telegraph sports section:

    “Oh no, why’d he have to mark it, of all people?”

    “Miss it.”

    “Miss it!”

    “MISS IT!!!”

    “OH NOOOOOoooooooo!”

    [queue wailing, rending of clothes & gnashing of teeth as further cracks immediately appear in the edifice.]

    (OK, that last line was mine, but the thought is irrepressible.)

    Needless to say, GWS were quite happy to assume 18th spot to such an outstanding result for a fellow frontier team. Although we do plan to ascend above them again some time soon.

  3. Brad Carr says:

    I’ve got to say I was seriously impressed by Sydney.

    From an Eagles perspective, yes, we had injuries, and as you note Adam, they probably influenced the margin, but Sydney were terrific and would’ve beaten us at full-strength.

    When your side gets belted, you often focus on your own players, who was terrible, etc, and fail to properly recongise your opponent. No such issues this time, I really noticed how good the Swans were. They have always been disciplined and tough defensively, and they still do those things (eg. every time we had the ball across half-back or the middle, they had already got back to man up and close up gaps). But now they have pace as well.

    Credit to them, they are a real threat.

    On another note, the end to the Richmond game was the funniest thing I have seen in years… I’m still chuckling over it.

  4. Adam Ritchie says:

    Earl, for your own health I strongly advise against putting any hope in the Detroit Lions. This almost certainly ends in tears. Knowing their luck not only will Suh and Fairley get themselves in trouble, but they’ll implicate Calvin Johnson as well. Upon hearing the news, Matthew Stafford will go to facepalm and injure his shoulder in the process.

    Haha that’s quality Richard!

    I agree with your thoughts Brad. My aim was certainly not to denigrate the Swans. You’re not top of the table come round 17 without being a quality football outfit. Seeing the Eagles and Swans go at it with both sides fit and firing is something I wouldn’t mind seeing in September.

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