Reflections of an angry man after 5 days on the toilet

I have spent the last 5 days on the toilet with a stomach bug. I have dropped 5kgs. I am angry. Stand back. I’m teeing off about what shits me about football.

1. Malthouse Press Conferences
I get it Mick. You are an angry man. It is becoming old, predictable and boring. Can some Journo have the balls to stand up to Mick and simply say “answer the bloody question with some respect for the fans who pay your salary and want an honest answer”. Richo should have just put one on his chin a few weeks ago after the lack of respect he showed him.

2. Running to the bench after a goal
Just night Garland kicked a goal after 20 seconds and ran to the bench. What is that crap. Are we playing touch football? Was his mum on the phone? If some bloke had come to drag me after one of my career 8 goals I would have thrown myself on the ground and put up a better tantrum than my 15 month old son. I’ve kicked a goal. My confidence is up. Let’s drag him. Genius.

3. The Footy Show
15 years ago it was quite enjoyable to come home after a day on the tools to hear Trev crack a joke and Eddie break a story. These days we are met with the ‘hilarity’ of Billy eating a chilli. How about talking about the footy for 5 minutes. I think Ben Elton’s last show on 9 may have been better.

4. The Fox Footy War Room
Footy is not a complicated game. David King take note. I don’t need to see a 3D image of Dane Swan superimposed over Pythagoras’ Theorem to tell me he hasn’t got a kick. Fat side just means kick to where the blokes are not standing.

5. Lack of Long Sleeve Jumpers
What now for blokes with skinny arms? Tucky, Baysey, Hardie. My heart bleeds for you.

6. Twitter
I don’t give a stuff that Brock McLean went with the cornflakes over Nutri Grain this morning. I don’t need some flog’s message appearing at the bottom of the screen during the footy telling me who they support and that their wife’s name is Sharon.

7. The Essendon Drug Drama
I’m over it. Can’t be bothered saying any more.

8. Sheeds
Respect your achievements Sheeds but every time you bob up in the hideous orange tracksuit and tell me about what a great side you will be, how you are getting games into some bloke I’ve never heard of, how all Melbourne should be shaking etc etc I just want to switch off. Putting 5 blokes behind the ball is not teaching kids how to play.

9. Tom Harley Swisse Ads
Apologies to the 83% of Almanac readers who support the cats and may find this offensive. If I see that bloody Swisse ad again where good old Tom tells me how the glorified vitamin C tablets he is taking gets him performing at this best I’ll spew up. Do they get him through a gruelling 4 quarters of ‘special comments’? Do they give him the energy to make it to the shops and back without dropping the milk and collapsing into the gutter?

10. Oversupply of coaches
My heart bled last week when I heard Brisbane were hoping for more money from their Board as they only had 6 coaches. Gee life’s tough. How many do you need? Forward line, back line, midfield, ruck, sounds about right I think? Why do we need specalist coaches who tell you how to lace your boots, apply oil and deal with crepe paper injuries? Looks like all Choco does these days is pat blokes on the bum.

I don’t have the energy to vent any more. Where is the bloody toilet paper again?

About craig dodson

Born in the sporting mecca that is Wagga Wagga and now reside in Melbourne with my lovelly wife Sophie and son's Jack and Harry. Passionate Swans supporter and formally played cricket at a decent level and Aussie Rules at a not so decent level! Spend my days now perfecting my slice on the golf course and the owner of the worlds worst second serve on the tennis course.

Comments

  1. Very solid rant Craig. Malthouse subscribes to the George Castanza school of thought; always look and sound angry and people will think you are important and busy.

  2. craig dodson says:

    Perhaps dips he thinks its not a lie if you believe it as well

  3. mickey randall says:

    Craig- Nice work.
    And while we’re at it, when did bloody high-fiving enter our sporting culture? Imported nonsense.

  4. mickey randall , if you look at footage from the ’70’s and ’80’s you’ll see the bloke that just kicked a goal trotting back to his position with minimum appreciative acknowledgement – if any – from team-mates. But there weren’t as many tv cameras then , and less hype in general. As well as the high-fiving you dislike , i’m amused by the ubiquitous brushing of passing hands whenever there’s a pause in play after someone has done something footballers are supposed to do – like seeing the ball safely over the boundary . If any one of them has contracted a stomach bug like craig’s but still in the pre-symptom stage the entire team will get it.

  5. Andrew Starkie says:

    Craig,

    agreed with all of that.

    I wouldn’t mind losing 5 kgs, though

  6. On the topic of pains in the arse, I would like to add:
    Players watching the giant TV screen and/or pointing to it after the umpire’s decision;
    Brian Taylor’s infantile drivel ruining the excellent channel 7 telecasts;
    Being forced to watch and hear commercials when attending a live game for which I have already paid top dollar admittance fee;
    Umpires ignoring blatant throwing of the ball (especially by Hawthorn players);
    The consistent cribbing on the mark by a metre or two, as a one per center coaching tactic;
    Tackles on players applying tackles (I.e. not in possession of the ball);
    TV commentators talking up, or down, the likely tribunal consequences of physical clashes. There is a direct correlation between the number of slow-mo replays and the likelihood of suspension. Some charmed players get the, “Nothing much in that incident” treatment, while others (like Stevie J.) are crucified;
    Gamus Interruptus – when ground announcers blast out warnings to patrons to stay off the arena etc., as if the game is all over, when the result is still precariously in the balance, with precious minutes left on the clock;
    Finally, the crowd morons who proclaim, “Spot the Aussie”‘ when the multi-racial ground security staff line the boundary, to protect players and umpires. Such ignorant “casual racism” a la Eddie, in the name of humour.

  7. Kath Presdee says:

    We don’t get the Tom Harley Swisse ads in Sydney, but last year Swisse seemed to be the kiss of death for any performer. Cadel Evans – Swisse; Ricky Ponting – Swisse, Izzy Folau – Swisse, Liz Cambage – Swisse. Likely wins became placings, possible chances fizzled, injuries and poor form abounded.

    Can’t believe Green Edge won stages and had the yellow for four days when they were in a Swisse ad. Maybe the tide has turned…

  8. craig dodson says:

    Appreciate the additions from everyone.

    The curse of the Swisse ads – I like it..

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